I don't much feel like being a person today
I would rather fall in to the pit
then put in the effort to dig myself out of it
I'm far to exhausted to give a ****

I feel immensely alone and utterly empty
it seems all people wish to evade me though
they have indeed spoken to me all day
I'm stuck in a state of dreaming

Today I feel like playing pretend. I am thin, happy,
on stage, loved, people wish to see me and call
my name as I pass, in awe of my magnificence
I radiate confidence and kindness as I glide through life

But none of this seems to be true
I am living life in this dream that turns nightmarish
when another wakes me from my conscious mind
and I am forced to enter that empty place

That empty place inhibited by the rest
by those who live life for the sake of living
who laugh and cry for beauty, truth, and love
while I weep for myself and my pitiful existence

If only I believed at least one of them could understand
the state of living half dead and half asleep
I don't allow myself to except them as they are
They are people who I take the opportunity from

I don't give them the chance to know me, though who
is to say they would like such a chance? They deny
me the gift of living by their existence
they confound and terrify me in a way that causes me to float

I hover above life, never engaging in it.
Why shouldn't' I take a final plunge, i'm always two seconds
from that rattling bottle, that rope, that gun.
Why not reach for it and hold it lovingly like they hold their lives?

I welcome the thought of death in my conscious mind and
subconscious alike. Should I be struck down I would not weep
for my body or soul. I would instead thank the opportunity
to  break away from this mindset without the fault on myself

So why don't I go home and gather up all the pills
find a sturdy rope in the garage and a tall chair
lock the door to my room, tie a knot, swallow the liquor, wait ten minutes
and jump.

I think I might just  do that.

This is a place I am not alone
Wind whistles and I do not cry
as time floods through the overgrown grass
that envelopes my naked knees

I stand on this hill
Poised for love to paint me
in to its folds of memories
and eternally weeping hold

Now is my time to live
to enter the ranks of those
who walk each day with
the confidence to exist softly

I built a home within
this ever bleeding heart that
will always exist for you
my long lost love I will never know

You are my stranger fixed
on a point in time I can't find
The one I can never meet is
the one I will always love

So I am planted with these roots
that happily search the soil
for a purchase to grow from
as I wait above for everything

The rain pangs loudly
against my window as I
cry in time with it

The splendor of existence
pains the wearer as we
grow but cannot shed
the cloak we hath been swathed in  

We wish to change
calamity to kindness
poverty to prosperity
a broken mask for simple powder

Picked for us
is the robe we bear
from birth till  death
we must remain how we are

Lest we can find
the switch in life
that provides one with the opportunity
to be all we dream of being

We wear what fits the changing
tides that remain the same
the metaphors of life
forever remains inside us

I had to **** us
if I hadn't we
would have suffocated
underneath our masks

I wish I loved you
how I should have
you were everything
I wanted to want

I wish I was ready
for everything you gave me
you were the best I could dream of
but I guess I don't want perfect

I want horrible pain
I want ecstasy and passion
I want a gin swirling romance
scented with cigarette smoke

Or maybe I should be alone
I don't understand how
love works since
I couldn't feel how you felt

I'm sorry my first love
You changed me, you made me
you broke me, you kissed me
with a passion that scared me lifeless

I spent
all night
crying over you

I wept
until the
pain started killing

I could
not cry
any more tears

Everything broke
time froze
while I died

I broke again dear
my heart is falling apart
because I hurt you