The Good
Promises of ever lasting happiness
Two beings intertwined by faith
“It’s destiny”
You constantly remind me
Dreams of me and you
I was a lonely flower
Never watered
Never nurtured
Until you walked into my garden
Placed me in your hand
Planted me on fertilized land
I accepted your love
Finally we were good
Maybe to good to be true
Two people in love
On a mission
To prove to each other, our love was true

Bad
But doubt was never far behind
It stood back at a distance
Watching
Waiting for the perfect time
For it to invade my mind
It crept into my thoughts
Switched wires
Pushed the wrong button
Flipped on random switches
Made me believe
You’d never love me
What if you leave
What if this is all a lie
I don’t think this is meant to be
But you were diligent
Determined to prove your love
You’d fight to the death
And wouldn’t rest
Caught a case of the love bug

Ugly
Where’d you go ?
We can make it
But you were a no show
You’re gone
Left
Without a reason
Without a trace
Now I’m haunted with memories
Tortured by Visions of your smiling face
And your greens eyes
What happened to us?
Where did it go wrong
I believed every word you said
Hung on every I love you
Like lyrics from a song
I was prepared to hand you my heart
Gift wrapped it
Shipped it to you
I guess I was wrong
Now I sit here
Sad and stuck
Friends tell me to move on
Others say **** it up
Pain heals with time
You’ll get over it
But how can I forget someone that just vanished

You were my motivation
You gave me reasons to grin
You were why I smiled
You touched my heart
And flipped it on
It’s been off for awhile
Kinda embarrassing to admit
You swept me off my feet
I felt comfort in your arms
But then
You dropped me
Left me laying on the floor
Now every night I have to fight these dark thoughts
And painful emotions
On top of that
Misery has came creeping back
She sits outside my window
Tapping on the glass
I can hear her foots steps looking for ways in
The breaths she take are heavy
Mimicking my own
Her whispers seem to trickle in
Invading my ears
Her laugh disrupts my sleep
I can almost feel her touch sliding down my sheets
I can’t fight her anymore
Hand on the door ****
As I stand at the front door
Staring into her piercing green eyes
She smiles
And it melts me
I’m on the edge of relapse
And she knows I’ll let her In

I’ll cry for you
Ball out my heart
So much so
That my heavy tears
Just my split the pavement apart
No more hiding
No more lies
I’ll cry for you
Expose the feelings
That’s been hiding in the dark
I’ll cry until my eyes are no longer red
I’ll cry until the black lines under my eyes give
I’ll cry until the hidden scares are healed
I’ll cry for you
That’s something I usually don’t do
I’ll cry for you
Maybe I already have

I wear shades
To hide my eyes

A raging storm sits behind them
Stained red from constantly fighting back the high tides

But id die a thousand deaths before I ever cry

I wear shades so you can’t see my eyes
I’m afraid the longer you stare

The quicker you’ll become aware
Of how they’re so empty

Lack sympathy
And dead inside  

I wear shades
Not to save them from the sun rays

But to hide from everyone’s view
They make me invisible

There was only one person
Who I ever wanted to see me

But she walked away
And left me with these shades

Being constantly away from you made me no longer miss this
I remember I use to dream of your lips
And wish for your kisses

It must have been the distance

All I we ever wanted
To sit in each other’s bed
Cuddle and hug

It much have been the distance

I wanted kids
And to pick the perfect place to live
Build a tree house
With a huge bridge

It must have been the distance

Visions of us strolling the beach
Hold hands
And playing in the sand

It must have been the distance

Laughed about having exotic pets
You wanted a tiger
And I was going to teach it to fetch

It must have been the distance
All the wishes we shared
Dead
All our dreams
Turned to nightmares
All hope
Gone

All you wanted was my love
But I wouldn’t budge
All you wanted was for me to smile
But the pain inside
Steadily beating on my skull
Becomes louder then a whaling mom
Grasping her lifeless child
And I can’t help but scowl
All you wanted was me
But my heart was still taking a beating
From the past memories
I couldn’t feel the blanket of happiness you tried to wrap around me
I couldn’t feel joy
I didn’t want you to love me
I tried to convince you
I’m just a lifeless toy
And I guess I finally got through to you
But you didn’t know
You were getting to me
I could finally feel my heartbeat
But it’s too late
Because you’re gone now
Sorry that
I let you down

You’re a man
Taught you must be strong
Dig some more
Are you feeling sad ?
No that’s wrong
So dig some more
That better be sweat
Or are you crying
I don’t want to see a drop
So dig some more
You’re hurting
Missing her bad
So dig some more
You’re winching In pain
Is that from the splinters
Are the blisters
So dig some more
I don’t want you to feel anything
Not anymore
There’s no time to be sore
Become numb to it all
So dig more
You’re only 6 feet down
But we’re not done now
So dig some more

One roach
Now two
Crunch beneath my feet
I don’t know who’s better off
Them or me
They’re antennas still wriggle
Feet still twitch
The second one crawls on the floor
Struggling to get away
But soon it’ll be dead
And I just sit an stare
Tears filling up In my eyes
But I won’t dare weep
And I’m not sad because it’s about to die
At least it’ll be free
But not me
I still have to deal with this pain
Of feeling like the crushed roach

He always smiled
Laughed and cracked jokes
He walked with his shoulders squared
His head always held high
Confidence almost radiated off him
He had so much pride
So it came to everyone’s surprise
When they saw a report on the morning news
He had hung himself
Used a double knotted noose
Tied his hands behind his back
So he couldn’t get lose
And wrapped rope around his ankles
So his legs wouldn’t flail
That just goes to show you
You never really know what someone else is going through

Yeah you’re right
There’s this gapping whole
Inside of me
And it just grows constantly
Mostly because I feed it
With the thoughts that haunt me at night
And there’s nothing I can do to fill it
It even swallowed my heart
Desperately I try to retrieve it
But no matter how far I stretch my arms
I could never reach it

Are you even real
Or was it in my loneliness and seclusion
That my imagination created you
Her eyes bright green
As if she knew
How much I find them so attracting
They’re suffocating and almost crippling
It’s weakening
But are they even real
Because when I look in your eyes
It’s almost as if they’re telling me
Go and hide
Behind this coloration
You’ll find deception
But I don’t know
I can’t go
I’ve been entangled in her words
As if she knew what I wanted her to say
I’m her first love
She only wants me
How can I turn and leave
When these words are so poisoning
They race through my veins
Rotting me
And only she holds the cure
Are you even real
I need to know
My mind says no
But when she speaks her voice melts me
And I can’t help but get lost in her ocean
But I don’t understand
To me you’re perfect
From your hair to your smile
But I can’t even hold your hand
Which leads me to believe
You’re just my imagination

Sometimes I feel like the biggest loser
It ***** being unable to trust
I feel like my heart has been ripped out my chest
And chunked
I don’t know what to do
Where to turn
Or who I can vent too
That’s what happens when you lack trust
If I was trapped in a burning building
I don’t believe anyone would come to my aid
I don’t even believe I deserve to be saved
I know I shouldn’t feel this way
But sometimes I feel I’m as useless as a worm
I’m just everyone else’s bait
And the thing is
I’ve tethered myself to the line

Assume everyone will betray you and you will never be disappointed

-Tobias Beckett

I’ve never received a flower
Or even a rose
But I’m a guy
So it’s acceptable I suppose
No kisses
Or sweets
No treats
That signifies ones feelings for me
No token of ones love
But I have gotten
Disappointment
Watered with hate
Planted in betrayal
Fertilized with lies
And maintained by fakes
Roses are Red
But my roses are dead
And crumble beneath my feet

I mean well
But I can’t stop my mind

I want to be left alone
Not because of you

Because loneliness is what I’ve always known
Currently how I am

I don’t deserve happiness
And happiness is a package deal that comes with you

Visions of us hugging, cuddling
It plagues my thoughts

You’ve invaded my mind
I must stay away from you

That’s what the saddens in my heart say
But my conscious wants you to stay

I don’t know what I should do
So I do what I always do

I’ll distance myself
And hope I don’t lose you

Metal
Or steal

Aluminum
Or tin

No longer coated with silver
I remember I use to shine

But now I’m covered in rust
And invaded by the weeds of the earth

Frozen in place
Can’t move my face

Dreams of me stretching out my limbs
But cursed never to move

I pray to the sun
And scream at the moon

I’m cold to the touch
Inside, an empty shell

Press your ear against my tin frame
Knocked on my chest

Echos is all you’ll hear
Peak into my rotted holes

No heart would appear

I wish I was asleep
I hate being awake

Because it’s *****
I feel like I’m emotionally stuck

I got the worse luck with love
Either that

Or a serious case of bad luck
I wish I was sleep

So I could dream of a better me
Someone who’s always joyful and happy

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes
Permanently

But not to prey
Because sense you’ve been gone
I’ve misplaced my faith

You might think that I’m just,
Lazy

But give me a break
I just hate to be awake

I never thought
That snippets of my past would catch up with me now

Little by little
They’ve been flooding in

And I’ve lost some courage
And wouldn’t dare dive in them now

Great swimmer, but stranded in the middle of the sea
Even Michael Phelps would drown

And all the while I’m drifting
A boat appears

Circling desperately
Here to rescue me

Written on its side
“Love is the way”

I can see it on the Captains face
He doesn’t want me to stay

But love is what got me here
Stuck, stranded

And to afraid to be saved by it now
So instead

I let it sail on a head
Maybe next time

The way you walk that’s me
The way you talk thats me
The reason your up past dawn
With an hour of sleep
On the brink of losing your mind
Urges of drugs
And thirst for a burning drink
You’d take anything to unwind
Yes indeed that’s me
Im the reason you seem to drown in the tears
I can’t tell if it’s courageous
Or dangerous
You think you have no fears
But a man who fights his emotions
And holds back his tears
Clearly still feels
Yes
You’re cold now
But who do you think molded you this way
You’re my personal entertainment
My mud
My clay
If you were to rush into battle
I’d be your sword
And your shield
Let’s face it, you’re only you because of me

Her love
Is a ray of sunshine
It’s piercing bright
And I’m so afraid i cover my eyes
And run from her light
It’s so strong
And even though she’s not around
I can still feel how it pulsates
Every fiber in me gravitates towards it
But she doesn’t understand
How much I am a broken man

What I don’t show
There’s no love to give
It’s all be taken by the darkness
Thats bunkered down within me
And each time I go up against it
Another piece of me is just torn apart
From my soul
To my heart
She just might be my last chance
But if I go at it once again
I might not come back
The same man
As when I went in

My demons are like wolves
They run in a pack
Snarling and growling
Ready to attack
And the hairs on their back
Stand up like blades of grass
Foaming at the mouth
Snapping their teeth  
And biting at my feet
No matter how far apart my strides
I can’t outrun them
Anymore then I can outrun the sun
That streaks across the morning sky

I’ve lasted this long
But the hunt is still on
Cries for help
Get lost in the night
Blood leaks from rotted bites
Wounded from past fights
The woods stained red
All over the branches, leaves and trees
Even on the twigs that snap underneath my feet
And ever so often
If you’re close enough
You can hear echos of my shrieks
Whispering through the air
Because now one has ahold of me
It’s teeth rips and tear at my flesh
I can tell as I scratch at its eyes
It’s goal is my demise
Canines all the way to the bone
And as I look back
Here comes the pack
I must free myself
Of what has a hold of me
Because if I don’t..

Who knows if you can keep me smiling
Permanently
For an eternity
Because past pains still live in my heart
And serge through my veins
The thought of you not being here
Has already started to turn this smile upside down
So take the camera and snap now
And distill this glimpse of happiness into a thin fragile frame

I urge to feel your lips
Not out of lust
But I’m hoping when we kiss
I can taste your trust
Will it be sweet a soft
And slick like a buttery croissant
Would I get lost In the texture
Lose control and barley keep my composure
Are your kisses thrilling like a roller coaster ride
Because I love the rush
And getting me pumped up full of adrenaline
Is a must
Are your kisses full of life
Because if so
Hopefully you can turn on the lights inside my darken soul

I’ve hurt enough
At the point of giving up
But when I look in your eyes
And catch a glimpse your smile
You make me forget
I got the worse luck with love

Now I realize
You are my healing
The first and the last
Could we trust In destiny
I can’t see the end of this
I just want to feel your kiss
Just one time on my lips
I realize how much I need you
And how much I love you

Clears throat
Even when I try to breath it hurts

Because inside everythin is broke
I want to be helped

But afraid of being healed
Slam shut my eyes, and pretend everything is not real

Control by my vicious thoughts
Trapped in my **** mind

I want out
Have the key to the locked door

But barricaded myself in
I’m In pain

It’s stiffing
Pretending no, delusional maybe so

It’s as real as the wind
And I’ve been at war inside my own skin

Almost beating into submission
But I refuse to give up

I’ll fight my demons two by two
Welcome them aboard my ark

And I’ll win
No matter what

Or til death
Do us part

You’re 24
Inside you’re colder then the morning tide
And the anger you carry around
Hotter then the sunrise
It’s been awhile since another has made your heart soar
Maybe that’s why your hide
Is thicker then a Russian boar
So caught up in not getting emotionally attached
You lost that thing that made you human
Buried everything down so deep
That the soil weeps
Keep this up
And you’ll die before you ever feel your heartbeat

He’s no longer responding
It’s perplexing
Because no one knows why
Yesterday he was doing just fine
And in this room it’s frightening quite
Because everyone knows he’s about to die
His mother angrily yells at the doctor
While she stands over his bed
Why! Why!
My baby
This is my son
And he’s not going to die
Devante Devante
I can hear her repeating my name
But the sounds of the world has finally gone mute
And the lights of the room ceiling
Slowly
Fade to black
And if you crying over my shoulder right now
I’m sorry
I tried to fight it
But I just couldn’t fight my way back
I was to lost
Let myself be overcome with pain and misery
Unhappiness was my purgatory
But at what cost
My life
Yes my life
I gave it away
I’d do anything just to feel a little less
It’s why I injected myself
With an illegal amount
Of morphine

Loves doesn’t last forever
But a broken heart does
My heart was already in pieces
Before love ever invaded me
Now I’m loveless and heartless
Hoping that’s happiness is getting closer with every breath I breathe

It’s rushing in
Already up to the dash
Drowning in the pain of my present
Future
And past
And I caused this crashed
Swerved off the road trying to dodge all of my issues
Trapped by the seatbelt, strapped to the seat
So tightly bonded by it
I can feel the blood filling into my cheeks
Even if I could move freely
The more the water rushes in
The will to live doesn’t seem to motivate me enough to try and escape
My head is all banged up
And the pain from the whiplash
Rings and gnaws in the back of my head like a migraine
Skull cracked like the bumper
Blood spills out
Like the water flooding in from the shattered glass
There’s no one riding shotgun
Except the issues
While the anger and pain
Rides in the back seat laughing and slapping hands
But they don’t shield me from the impact
Or stop the full force of the blow
I tried to hide my hurt
Maybe that’s why I ride alone
But you could see it clearly like the tire tracks in the dirt
I’ve always tried to convince myself pain is mental
And the more I didn’t think about it
It would all go away
But now that the water is all the way up to my neck
And breathing is a luxury I’ll soon forget
You can lie to yourself all you want but you can’t fool your own heart

Don’t open locked doors to previous pain unless it’s a time travel machine that’s leads to the future,present or past

I can’t look at myself in the mirror because I’m scared of what I might see
The man looking in
Outspoken and proud
Artistic and witty
His head seems to be in the clouds
And man he’s got a great smile
But the man that’s looking out
Pouts
Bags hang low like luggage
Eyes redder then freshly killed shark prey
You can tell his been crying for awhile
His lips sealed shut
His one black tooth makes him ashamed to smile
But the man looking in says
This tooth makes me unique
Yeah only and idiot would believe that too
I can’t look at myself In the mirror
It’s to easy to peak into my broken soul
I’m corrupted down to my roots
And I’ve tried yanking them out
But there’s no use
My reflection is so ugly
But i guess I did this to myself

I’ve never known you
I wish that wasn’t true
You live inside of me
I can hear your footsteps echoing
As they pound against pine wood floors in your bedroom
You’ve must have decided on the room in my head to lay you own
Because when you sleep I can feel your snoring trickling into my jaw bones
And redecorating must not be your forte
It tickles me how you clumsily drop things everyday
You nail at my skull constantly
As you try to get the frames you banged in to stay
And god I hate it when the hammer catches your nail
Because when you yell
Your screams rings in my ear
Like a small child playing with a doorbell
When you dust it’s hell
It gets caught in my nose
Like gum on clothes
Buts it’s all worth it
Because when you laugh it sets a fire In my soul
And makes me wish I wasn’t so cold
It seems as so
Your the girl of my dream
But the thought of loving someone like you
Dies behind my eyes

Sip sip
That's all he ever did
Until the words that fell off his lips became slurred
Afterwards
His verbal abuse were mimicked by his fist
Sip sip is all he ever did  
He drank so much
He would stumble through the house
Like his vision was blurred
He sips until the liquor was the sweat that poured out of his skin
He sipped until his kidneys began to fail
His drinks was his cell
And he drank even more because he could not make bail
His pain was deep
So he drank until he’d fall over
Crack his skull and eventually fall asleep
In the morning through the halls
Were the echoes of him weeping over broken picture frames
Faceless portraits
No more family
Abandoned by friends
So he stood above the sink
And began to drink
And what hurt him the most
He could never make it up to his kids
So he drank until the faceless portraits
Had no names

I’m a cowboy
Chasing the sunset
No breaks
No rest
No intermissions to catch my breath
Hand on the neck of my whip
Choking It until my fingers turn red
The sound, so satisfying so crisp
As it rips through the hairs of my steed
Provoking it
To use it’s full speed
On a crying horse I ride
Birds above screech
They’re feathers falling from the sky
Possession, abandoned on the dusty plain
This is the path of my own choosing
I pray the lord my souls to keep
Because i plan not to make it home
I’m a cowboy
That chases the sunset
And I’ll continue to
Until I’m dead
Or until it makes me feel alive

If you needed help
I was there to save the day
No superpowers
No cape
But I’d carry your pain
Off into the folds of space
And sacrifice my happiness
Just to see a smile or your face

Whenever you felt like you had nothing left
And wanted to give your last breath
Just to walk on the side of death
I was there
To offer my life force
Just so you could live on

If you felt weak
I was there
To be that pillar for you to step on
I’d be your strength
I could handle it all
I thought I was that strong

But when I slipped and fell
Could no longer deflect bullet shells
When my flesh was under destress
I couldn’t count on any of you
There was no one there
To yell
To encourage
Or motivate me to get up

Defeated
No longer devoted to his crusade
Broken
No longer in the business to save
You’re so called hero
Has joined the other side
Where stealing, hurting and pain pays

SOS
Help please
Shooting flares in the air
Notice me
Heart racing
Heaving breathing
I can’t breathe
I feel pain
And the strain to smile
Is to much for me
There’s a man in the mirror looking at me
And he’s obviously hurting
His eyes blood shot red
Nails blackened
Skin peeling
Hair missing
Clothes ripped
He’s obviously dead

Ground quaking
The rails rattle
Pebbles jumping
Panic written as a bad punchline on the conductors face
So he yanks the chain link lever
And blast the horn
It rings in my ears like a siren
As he aims it at my face
Hoping to invoke enough fear in me
That’ll make me move out of my place
And even though
The light at the end of the tunnel is closing in
It doesn’t raise the hair on my skin
Because I’m plague with thoughts from within
Repeatedly playing over and over again
Where are you now that I need you

To far gone
Out floating in the sea
Past the sunset
Beyond the horizon
Even if I waved the white flag
No one would notice me
I’m out to far
I could yell
Flail my arms frantically
But i don’t believe there’s anyone out there
Brave enough to rescue me
Until then I’ll just stay
In this boat
No paddles to steer
I gave into the current many moons ago
I’ll let the wind engulf me
And continue to sail

But wait
Maybe it’s not to late
I sold my happiness
When it wasn’t even for sell
Maybe if I just try for 5 seconds
I could somehow escape this cell
No faith in another
To pay my bail
So I hide behind my pride
Eyes shut
Because even though on the outside I can’t cry
I can feel the tears flowing in the inside
I prayed a thousand times
Hoping help would be sent my way
But It just left me exhausted
And out of breath
I just want to make it to Monday morning
But I’ve had enough
The only way I can survive
Is by staying alone in this boat
So I’ll sit here and wait
And continue to sail
Until I can find my way back

I was lost
Felt like a *** of paper
Tossed to the side
To unimportant to be picked up
I've never felt so low
I was broken
Like fire fly
Who's **** didn't glow
Maybe I should buy a gun
And scattered this wicked thoughts in my brain
But I've never been the one
To hurt myself
By my own hands
I couldn't slit my own wrist
Or even punch myself
With my fist
Even if I ever did contemplated suicide
I couldn't commit

I saw you gasping
Thrashing

Mouth gaped open
Pearly white teeth

Laughter gone
Misery glued to your face

Dying
Sinking

Blue eyes
Blood shot red

Inches from death
Hero, I am not one

The savior is dead
Threw you a life jacket instead

Saved your life
Except, I'm the one drowning

Why does it rain
When the sun shines
Dude are you blind
It’s just Mother Nature
Laughing and crying at the same time

I was always so focus
With keeping other people head above the water
I never seemed to notice
I was the one that started to drown

The feeling of being numb hasn’t gone away
Since you been gone
My heart is afraid to beat
And the thought of love
Is as uncomfortable as and old seat to flop in
Instead it’s been replaced
With resentment
Against the unfaithful
Hatefulness and disgust
Erupted inside of me like a busted vein
And now it course within me
Keeping the love and trust
In shackles and chains
Oppressed like the black man
Since you been gone
I often wonder was I wrong
Did letting you go for your own sake
Was that a mistake
The thought that I change you
Turned you into someone that was always angry
Was that something I could take ?
Since you been gone
The memories we made still rage on
Sometimes I wish I could just forget
I’d empty all the money In my tank
Into a wishing well
Just to wish away the spell
This undying love you cast on me that hasn’t warn off
Since you been gone
I’ve never felt more alone
Now come back

You fool
You idiot
You’ve fought off lust for so long
Only for it to end like this
You slipped up
Fell right into her wanting arms
In your mind
A thousand thoughts
How can I get myself out of this?
But you’ve been here before
Back for the third time
Ands she’s asking for it
You idiot no go home
But lust had you so so blind
And when y’all kissed
Even though you felt like you were kissing a dead fish
Regret
Second thought
Out of sight out of mind
Now you’re on top
She’s asking your repeatedly
Stick it in
But your hearts pumping
Trying to stay focus
But the act your partaking in
You know is one of the seven deadly sins
But the word no it’s like an oiled up pole
You can’t keep it in your grip
There’s just no way you can win
Ok ***** it
I give up
I give in
Flesh against flesh
Skin against skin
Lips against lips
Her breast in your hand
Now she’s on top
But pains she’s in
Ok let’s try this one more time
You’ve just had “***”
With one of your closest friends
No their more like “family” members
Well they’re not going to consider you family anymore
Once they found out you’ve slept with their kin
Now disappointment is a fatal scent
Lingering on your breath

A poem a day
Keeps the pain away
It keeps these eyes
Drier then a desert sky
A poem a day
Keeps me from dying completely inside
It’s my defibrillator
And keeps my pulse alive
A poem a day
Corrals my faith and keeps it intact
A poem a day
Keeps the demons at bay

I haven’t seen you do this in awhile
It’s 2018
And you still haven’t cracked your first smile

A cheater is going to cheat
And a liar is going to lie
If you take them back
Don’t be surprised
When they do it for a second time

I would like to believe this to be true
My heart has been longing for such
But im scared
Not for me
But for whatever beauty decided to take a chance on me
My soul that’s been awfully quiet
Whispers
You should have a good woman
But I’m plagued with the thought
Should a good woman have you
The answer is no
While most people carry baggage
I pull loads
Inside I’m cold
Permanently a blizzard blows
My heart is a black hole
Lord knows the affect I would have on you
I’d emotionally **** you
Change you without your consent
Ripped you if your joy
And fill you with resentment
But I cannot lie
I couldn’t hurt a fly
I’m just so damaged inside
It would take a miracle to repair me
The pain I carry is so heavy
I’d hurt you
Just because I’m hurting
Am I worth the risk
Yes
But who would be willing to give up themselves
Just to save me
And if that’s the price you’d have to pay
I good woman does not deserve me