I sometimes struggle to forget
And that can come with a price
Memories are like ghost
My breath fills the air like smoke
A signal of their approach
When I sleep
They climb into bed with me
Settling in comfortably
Evoking dreams that I see when I’m awake
I have a kind soul and a big heart
But Nonchalant
A trauma response
Thicken my skin not my heart
But as of late
Hate has been making its way in
A result
Of feeling love sweet as honey
Neglect bitter as lemons
The two I mixed, made into a drink
One sip
And my old self ceased to exist
I just wished I was warned it would be like this

Mine bloomed from the heart
A precious bouquet
That I seem to want to give away
Each pluck leaves an open wound
Eventually stitched closed by the stem that’s been left behind
Once received I watch as the petals are blown away
Like dandelion seeds
Caught up in a strong gust
Once taken, they’re never taken care of
I guess their short lifespan isn’t enough motivation
But that doesn’t stop me from cultivating
I still keep the roses in the sun where the light is
But the shade came violently and turn them violet

How ironic you’re heart shaped too
Left in the winter unattended
To cold for the attraction of on lookers
Thriving when your surroundings have died
A beacon in the silence
Although clouds smear the sunlight
I still see you from afar  
No reds from roses firstly chosen
But blue
Will you now be picked
The many among the few
Or do your silent songs go unnoticed
Until the sun brings the red back into view

Hurt more times then I’ve expressed
There are things I should’ve let go
But instead I’ve put them to bed
And let them rest in me
Cuffed to past pains
Betrayals turned to chains
That I remain shackled to
So I close
Rather then be exposed
To the world and those that still see life in me
Swatted away attempts to be rescued
As a man hurt is often my companion
Raised and swayed to think that way
But once my perspective is flipped
Failures and lessons turn to small victories
Now I see
How rewarding it can be
To live and to love
Even while hurt
Not completely healed
But still
If necessary a man should live with a hearting heart
Rather then closed one

The way you seem to exist
Freely in my mind
Thoughts of you on display
Like art in a exhibit
Memories enclosed in glass cases
It’s hard for me not to revisit
How have they been kept in such pristine condition
Who is this person
That’s marked each piece with cursive
Below a personal description
A summary of the memory
It’s the re reading that’s stopping these feelings from fleeting
I must look away
So that with each passing day
I get further away

I’m not big into people that quit
On other people
Because they think their mistakes is bigger then them
A quitter is gods worst invention
In my opinion

It’ll be all fine
Once the dusk comes
Once the morning comes
Once the arrays of color
Peaks
Sneaks
Creeps silently into the airways
The sun seems to escort the moon to sleep
Tucks it in
And kisses it on its cheek
As my lips are withdrawn from yours
I know it eats at you
That when you turn to pull me in
I’m already gone
Gone because I waited all night for you
Only for you not to show
I still dream of you graciously sliding into bed
Hoping not to wake me
But I loved when you embraced me still
Now I sleep alone
Will you ever return I wonder
Sometimes I think of you in the morning
When I’m awaken by the bright colors of a burning sun
There’s something about the mornings
Something about the oranges that tell me we aren’t completely done
Or are we

Excuse me miss
Just to let you know
This was everything
Truth be told I sometimes pick up the phone
Just to make sure you haven’t messaged me
Muted conversations
Doesn’t stop the typing
Sometimes I hate the response
Because you just send me silence
But I’m use to the neglect from you
Excuse me miss
Do you sometimes miss me?
Do I miss you?
I run from those revelations frantically
But thoughts of you chase me
Hoping I have the stamina for this marathon
My sprints fall into a jog
There’s no ending in sight
I thirst
But no amount of consumed water cures the dehydration
Because the water wasn’t poured from you
Why must the future be filled with such uncertainty

Lessoned learned the hard way
Like waving my hand above a candle flame
Sneaking a touch
Even after moms protest
But what child listens
My curiosity has always been strong
Just take scars from past burns as evidence
Be carful son
She taught caution with everything
Everything except the heart
I wish she explained how to navigate these feelings
No advice about girls and which ones you shouldn’t pick from
Trial and error is seems like
But I’ve had more error then success
Learning that what you give doesn’t always equal out to what you get
Subtle lessons about love I wish came quick
But just like the flame
I didn’t know it would leave scars like this
But like a moth…

Heart of gold
To selfless
To keep the riches to myself
Voluntarily shared the wealth
But most were taking in the form of theft
I use to be filled to the brim
Gold coins overflowing out of the chest
Now when I look inside it
There’s hardly any left
I felt each piece that was taken
Never to be returned
Maybe I should shut the lid
But that’s a lesson I haven’t learned
My heart is to big not to share
So the lid stays open
Even if there’s a risk another gold piece may be stolen

Not a single person has ever fought for me to say in their life
Yet I go to war for all of you
And once the battlefield
Has quiet down
Still you’re gone

The result of being loved wrong
Made me feel superficial
Betrayed by to many Lois Lanes
Turned my heart super cynical
The realization I wasn’t made of steel
Small cuts stretched until they become wounds
Seems I’ve lost my super healing
Tried to find strength in others
Instead of the sun
But no one ever ask how I’m feeling
I use to try to be the difference
But now it’s more like forget it
I’m finished
Can’t you tell by the cape that’s been torn

Attention to details is something I must’ve missed
Karma is a female
And her kisses are death
She told me my heart belonged to her
And she took it when she left
Batted her pretty brown eyes
And I lose my breath
Suffocated from her beauty
Who did I hurt
My Karmas gotten bad
Ten times worse
Golden hands, fresh pink painted nails
Clinched against my throat
Who did I hurt
Bad karma
Has me questioning my worth
She planted me like a seed
But forgot to water the dirt
Sprouted in harsh conditions
Has me questioning my worth

Struck a vein in my heart like you struck a nerve
Now I’m heated
And bleeding
Didn’t know I was so human
Who knew a small *****
Could cause this much blood
Spent so much time trying to cover it up
That I missed the tears
Pouring
But men don’t cry
So I stepped out in the rain and hid it
Numb today but tomorrow I feel it

It’s true
Sometimes I think of you too
And then I get sad
My eyes swell with tears
And I’m on the brink
Of rushing back to the memories
But then I get chin checked
By the way you left
And instead of returning
I inhale
Take a deep breath
And remember
That I’m already gone
But sometimes I think of you too

Flew into the heart of the storm
To afraid to look over my shoulder
I know it’s nothing but an empty seat
Co pilots missing
As always it’s only been me
A message from the tower
Chimes in like the voice in my head
But it just comes across as static
Message unclear
Warnings missed
Is it my fault?
Alone in the cabin
But I still decided to take off
Couldn’t hold on
No applicants deem fit
All protocols cleared
Now I fight to keep the plane in flight
Carrying the hurt and hate
The pain and fear
Saddens and embarrassment
All seating in their separate chairs
But this is where we might all go down
Engine one failed
Brace for impact
The turbulence was stronger then we feared

I wish you well but I
Can no longer keep hope alive
30 total compression
2 breaths
Repeat these steps
Check for a pulse
Nothing yet
So I try again
15 chest compression to keep the blood in rotation
2 breaths to fill the lungs
A slap to the face to shock you awake
But you continue to lay un phased  
Arms burn from the failed attempts
Exhaustion starting to set in
I’m tired
Of trying
I wish you well but I’m
Done

The concrete freezes my feet
As my legs sink
Deeper with each step into the snow
Soaking my jeans
Drenched
Who knew it would be this heavy
The cool air
Runs down the back of my shirt
Chilling my bones
Gray clouds drone above
Bleaching everything in its tint
How depressing
My arms pressed snug against my chest
Hoping to keep in the warmth
But it ultimately fades
I know I’m digressing
Wrestling with the cold within and out
How depressing
Water frozen mid air
Softly drifting in the wind
Melting as it touches my face
Slipping down my cheeks like tears
Quickly I wipe it away
How perplexing
It almost felt real

Plastic cracked
I seem to be falling apart
The result of your tight clutch
As you hold me close to your heart
And I sink into your breast
I can feel your hurt
Today must’ve been a bad one
Because the pain is so much worse
But what can I do
I’m just a tool
A conduit
And I won’t last much longer
I’ve been over used
Not miss handle
Chip parts
Just shows I’m that frail
A toy
But a solider still the same
My mission is to comfort
And even as I wither
Part by part
I cannot fail

I treated you like trash
Crumbled you up like a *** of paper
Folded you
And stuffed you in my back pocket
Just in case I needed you for later
Your skin was like paper
My personal sheet
That I wrote on
In pen
And permanent marker
Wrote hate you's in cursive
On your forehead
Stained you with footprints
From when you fell and I stepped on you
Tore you in half
When I was frustrated and mad
Then tapped you back
Left you soggy
Black ink
Dripped from your eyes
When you cried
Doodle on you when I was bored
And you wore the markings with pride
Even when I threw you away
You ended up back in my lap
Like a gust of wind blew you back on my path
I'm ashamed I treated you like crap
And you couldn't tame my attention seeking ways

At first glance
The suggestion of us being friends
I couldn't take
It was met by my hate
I wanted to hit it
And drag it to the side of the road like it was a deer
But in my haste
I made it clear I wanted to date
And now I'm shaken
By the second thoughts that appeared
And I don't know if I should mow it down
And watch it struggle to live in my rear view mirror
Or run with it
I shot down friendship
As it sailed across the sea
And now what's left
Is you starting at me
Trying to put back the pieces from the debris

From myself
Lost in the debts of my own mind
Blessed with gifts mishandle
Strangled by fear of failure
Abducted by violence
Saved by love , Kissed by lust
killed my regrets, Left sadness for dead
Emotions once split
Blended until the lines blurred
Unable to correctly detect which one to feel
Attack by the swarm in my beehive
UnImmune to the stings
Swollen from the venom
Drowned in the honey
Life whizzes by
Liked the wind
When I’m high upon a swing
Landed deep in a maze
Sold my soul to false prophets
Hoping to be saved
Happiness can be addicting
But am I willing
To **** parts of myself
Just to taste the feeling

My hearts been broken
And It’s sometimes hard to believe
But it’s no joke
When I say sometimes I could choke
On the fear that it won’t change
Smiling faces help conceal what I’m faced with
Conflicted
Twisted like a drained towel
But somehow i keep it contained
Convinced I can endure it
Don’t need help
I’m sure of it
Wish my mom warned me about the bad weather
The slight drizzle
Turned into heavy rain
And I’m just getting wetter
But not getting any better
The cause unspoken
But well known
I haven’t been the same since god called you home
Sometimes I think I have ptsd

This wasn’t my intentions
But I couldn’t find the right ways to prevent this
Didn’t know who to vent with
So this what you get
When your mind shift to being mentally alone
Not a feeling a condone
But as the sky cries
Not even the clouds gather
To shield me
So as the dirt melts to mud around me
And my boots begin to sink
The wood of the shovel softens up
Seemly molding to my grip
As I begin to move the earth
Deeper and deeper
Until I’m satisfied
That the knotted off bag will fit
And as I cover it
The rain falls more
I feel heavier then before
Almost as if the weather is telling me not to do this
But this is the only solution I could come up with
Who’s to say the contents within it
Just know
You were buried with love

Did my desires get set ablaze
How bad was the flame
Numb to the point
That I still can’t feel a thing
Third degree burns
Am I still on fire
So use to the warmth
I’m unsure
Tossed in the sea
But evaporated the liquid around me
To intense the heat
Fuel by thoughts
I try to keep it contained
But it rises out of the depths
Keeping anything and everything in check
Can’t find the ways to ***** it out
They just get caught in the blaze

If I told you how i feel
Would you really listen
Blood gushes from a fresh wound
Melting the snow
When struck by the sun it glistens
Thoughts run wild
Fear a wolf that roams free
Cornered
And it has me back to a tree
Mouth tented red
Pieces of me missing
Wedge in between its teeth
Panting hides it’s face behind a veil of steam
Strands of fur sticks to my hands
Proof I withstood the attack
It sits
As I slump to the ground
Eyes fixated on me
I can sense it’s frustrated
Shifting its feet
Unsure what to do
Because if it kills me
It would cease to exist too

Good news is all they want to hear
So I lie when their near
All the while what I’m suffering with
Whispers in my ear
But my pain you’ll never know
Peering in
But you can never see passed the closed door
Pills gulped behind it
Red
To take away the aches
White to relax
Down the hatch
Splash
What an impact
On the couch I crash
Closed eyes
Helps stop the world from spinning
Motionless
Keeping the contents in my stomach from spilling
Groggy
To weak to adjust my laying arrangements
Text shows I’m needed
Everyone’s so damage
What I’m feeling is back seated
I have no time to hurt

Hearts turned to stone
How can we leave this alone
Excuse me if I riot
To long have we been kept quiet
Waited long enough
It’s time to replace pleads with distress
Love couldn’t conquerer hate
Branded criminals
In a glance
I fear no repercussions
Of this distruction
It might not be the right way
But peacefulness couldn’t come with me today
So your walls I spray
Blacked out
Your glass I shatter
Let it crumble beneath my feet
Let your building fall to ash
To angry to ask
It’s time to take

Face purple from choking
Slap away helping hands
To afraid to open
Emotions rusted
From the lack of being used
Lips once a healthy brown
Now turned blue
To late to change
Pain is like glue
Once dried and settled
It’s hard to remove
And I’m stuck
Unable to move
To think I’ll be fine one day
Hard to believe
Holding my breath for so long
I can’t breathe

I don’t want to fight
Or be at war
But you
You drew you sword
Ready to charge
Contempt in your eyes
You rather us shed blood
Just to protect you pathetic lies
And there I stand
Pen in hand
Fueled by anger
Slowing pulling me under
Hate building in my heart
Eye swollen
Because of the inability to cry
You’ll never know how I feel
Unless I put them between the lines
Ive alway hid how I feel
But even faced by your steel
I still
Rather write my truths
Pass them on
Then directly expose my secrets to you
Hypocritical
Blamed you
Like I’ve done no wrong
I could at least commit them to paper
But you chosen to slash
And split my skin
Then expose what you’ve kept within
And even if I die
What I’ve wrote will always be found in between the lines
But your sword will eventually rust and crumble to dust

Feet in the sand
I can still feel myself sinking
Water cold to the touch
The tides roll in and out
Past my ankles
Now up to my knees
And out in the distance
The ocean is as blue as the naked sky
They both seem to never end
Lost in a gaze
The water has risen a bit higher
Now tugging at my hands
Playfully pulling me down
But still in place I stand
Tamed by how calm the water has become
Now that it’s grown
Wrapping itself around my waste
The breeze amplifies it’s frigidness
And now my body starts to quiver
But I’m rooted
And can’t escape this aquatic landscapes
Up above
The last signs of life
A group of seagulls
Passing by
As the water has risen up
Past my neck
Covering my eyes

My memories of you don’t seem to age
I can still remember your full name
I can’t seem to forget
And it’s the one thing I regret
Thoughts flash like lightning
And leave just as quick
I drown in them
Sink all the way to the bottom
Like a damage battleship  
Unequipped with life rafts
This wasn’t a war I expected to lose
But you out witted and tricked me
**** these human emotions
I quit
I can either live being taunted my these vision of you
Or set ablaze this dynamite stick
And blow myself into oblivion

Should I replenish your thirst
Or just let you wilt
Wait until the ground **** you dry
No remorse felt
Your bright yellow
That could attract a crowd
Slowly turned to beige
Your core
Once a perfect brown
Blacken
How quickly you’ve seem to age
At a distance I watch
Beautiful once
But anyone else would think you’ve rot
None knowing what you need

She asked me
“Now that I’m gone, how does the sun feel’
It feels unreal
Like it’s not even there
There’s no radiating warmth
And when I stop and reach for the sky
It slips through my fingers
I’m just grabbing at air
But when I stand motionless
Does the earth stop spinning
Do the birds that dare to challenge the sky
Do there wings stop flapping midair
Would the fish in the sea
Stop swimming because of me
If I stop moving
Would animals stop living
Would a lion stop haunting
Would a dog stop digging
Would the moon
Escape from its orbit
And head towards earth
If I stopped moving
Would the world even care

Stop
Retract and hide
Someone is showing interest
Quickly
Close the door
And lock it
Blasts music until blood drips from your sockets
Do whatever you can
Just don’t let them inside

All my ex’s drink
Was that because of me?
These are my last night thoughts
And if that’s the case
Take a shot for me
For the time you wasted
Take a shot for me
For the countless nights I couldn’t sleep
Take a shot
For all those times I didn’t eat
Because the stress was to much
All the food forced down
Would end up coming back out of me
Viciously
Take a shot
Until your kidneys explode
Take a shot
Until the regrets you hide
Pour out of you like the lies
And the empty bottle you drown in like ocean tides
Drink until your liver fails
And your stomach swells
Take a shot and don’t stop for me

Be cautious were you lay
Because often we betray
She said she loved me
But every action she ever portrayed
Was erased
When I found out she was kissing another on the lips
While his hands found a home on her hips

My only regret
I didn’t stick it out with you
Promised I’d fight
But when things got congested and tight
I walked out
Wish I never did
Wish we didn’t live on two different soils but we did

My only regret
I didn’t leave you when I had the chance
I couldn’t eat
Nights without sleep
Never thought something like this would happen to me
I was faithful since day one
But that still didn’t stop you from cheating  

My only regret
Falling in love
Again
Despite the thoughts in my head
Warning me
Don’t do it
Falling in love is stupid
And when it’s over your going to feel useless
Realizing love is a combination best served without you

I started losing my mind
When everyone that said they loved me started leaving
I started gasping for air
When I realized I stopped breathing
Carpet burns on the forefront of my toes
As a result
Of trying to stop myself from swinging
I couldn’t call for help
Because the rope around my neck stopped me from screaming

I don’t smoke
It’s uncool to choke
And it would probably calm me down
But I like being angry
And I like being down
Trying to pick my words carefully
But I have no filter
So it all flows out of me carefree
And steadily like a stream
Whatever pops in my head
I say it
And I meant it
I’m burden with foul language
When someone flips my switch
And I lose my ****
Deep breathes
1.2.3
Can’t let this loneliness get to me
It just might cause insanity
I’m ok
My persona
Is just a loner
I guess this is just me though
But the person who’s talking
Is my alter ego

Don’t wait till I’m laying in a casket
To tell me how you really feel
Save your tears
And the sobbing you’re doing across my lifeless chest
Quit the yelling
And the heartbroken distress you’re in
You’re only disrupting my rest
It doesn’t matter what you reveal
It won’t return the life and color to my skin
No my eyes won’t well up
From the revelation of feelings you’ve been hiding within
My face would stay as dryer as desert snow
Its way to late

Spaceship
Spaceship
Where should I go
I’ve left earth
Couldn’t live with the humans anymore
I got tired of the deceit, in the white of their smiles
And the lies that sat in the pupils of their eyes
Spaceship
Spaceship
where should I go
Maybe to Mars
Highjack the rover
Let myself become engulfed in the ongoing
desert storm
Falling harder then Minnesota winter snow
Being around these beings for to long
Corrupting
All they do is steal
And **** each other meaninglessly
Spaceship
Spaceship
Please take me away
The farther the better
I cannot stay

If you don’t love me anymore
Tell me
Its okay
Because this
E
M
P
T
I
N
E
S
S
E
That’s settled in
Will eventually
Tear me A  P  A  R  T