They've been tossed around alot;
I myself have thrown some too;
Right back from whence they came;
Except for the ones from you.
Those... I tucked in my coat pocket;
The very best and brightest kind,
Like the most beautiful diamonds,
Anyone could ever hope to find.
And yet, even with the care I kept
I could not find them later on
Just like post-parade street trash
So very quickly they'd be gone.
Maybe if they weighed a bit more
Or if they weren't so paper-thin,
I wouldn't find just an empty pocket
Where my keepsakes should've been.

If my heart could purge every mistake,
Made for nothing but pretense sake,
Just where would I be now?

{Well it can't...so I just don't know
How befitting! that hope should go}

If my mind could still and never sway,
So many times throughout every day,
Would I still err somehow?

{Well it won't and I'm sure I will
I'm not the type meant to be still}

If my hands would only long to hold,
The two same hands until I grew old,
Would I wish to savor?

{But they don't and I don't think so
And just why I may never know}

And so I will choose to conform to me
I'll be kind and flippant, and also free
And do myself that favor.

Might there be a little less mundane, a few less wasted days in pursuit of trivial things. More well-chosen words and well-received wisdom. Less appropriateness and more import. This would be a life well-lived.

How strange you saw the devil
Where an angel stood
Made darkness out of the light;
Evil from the good.
Turned innocence into jaded
White right into black
Truth was right in front of you
Now it's at your back.

Could I be a monster?
Cold blood flowing blue.
Heartache lying in my wake,
Monsters need love too!

We used to climb trees.
Scramble up them with our friends
There wasn't anything in those trees we needed
Nothing waiting to be claimed on the highest branch
It was just a tree
And we climbed it for fun's sake
Coming home with splinters,
Scraped knees and embedded dirt.
And the next day, guess what we did?
We climbed the ******* tree again.
Until the world taught us fear
And the tree wasn't fun anymore.
And so it goes on and on really.
Until simple seems so difficult
That we no longer have the courage
To truly live.

Just a jumble
By a troubled mind
Or perhaps a tired one
Who looks through frosted glass
For all the parts to make the whole
Of you.
Collecting your past acts
And contrary present,
All of your tells and words,
Truths and indescrepancies
The slightest of body language
To form an image of a soul
That is unknown
And upon finding the concoction
Rather plain
I can add a little smoke
Or a little drink
And quite simply
Take all those pieces apart
Study them; scrutinize them up close
Until they all blur and skip a bit
Then rearrange them all
Repeating this process
Of infinite possibilities
Until the result is either too beautiful to truly love,
Or too hideous to abandon.
This is how I determine who you are.
By how I construct you
And how I perceive you
In this light or that.
In limitless dimensions,
You easily become
Someone I can love or hate
Hold or let go of
Regard or disregard
I can do this forever.
You are irrelevant.

If we could take all the tiny impressions
And all the memory shards
Of the overlooked insignificant moments
And put them altogether
With the great ones
Perhaps a full soul could be made.

Today may be the day...
That I give up the fight.
Forgive myself for all the wrongs,
That I never made quite right.

Today may be the day...
I find a sought release.
Remove all blame from my past,
And my soul will fill with peace.

Today may be the day...
I finally, "Breach the dam,"
Let purging tears just fall right down,
And love just who I am.

Today may be the day...
My world begins anew.
And I will call today... "Day One",
With an entirely new view.

Today may be the day...
That I know "carefree" again.
And my smiles will be genuine.
Please let the day begin.

"Worthless waste of space!"
"You thief of my fresh air!"
Useless to the entire world.
Drop dead! No one will care!

Can you feel the hatred baby?
The heated ache inside?
The pulse that beats incessantly?
The disgust I do not hide?

A soul that's non-existent.
No conscience left inside.
If not for jail time, baby,
I'd **** you for my pride!

Imagine an enduring torture,
And the pain that will ensue,
Cause Karma's got a lovely way,
Of catching right up with you.

The gun was pointed long ago,
And pointed right at me.
So close... that the barrel,
Was all that I could see.
And then accustom took it's hold,
So I carried on the same.
But then it shifted awful slight,
And found a better aim.
Holding just such a disposition,
( I discern better than some,)
That there was no mistaking,
What was about to come.
And so I had to choose an option,
Though they all were poor,
I must have chose the worst because,
I never saw the door.
And I'll never know who pulled it,
Were you? or I? to blame?
The cocking of that trigger?
I heard it say my name.

A new life granted
Glad to be starting over
Better days await
A totally free spirit
No longer so appeasing

The hours seem to pass so slow
While the years go spinning by
Forgotten dates of long ago
So fixed.  Yet still they fly.
As wind carries forth the seasons
And shadows mark the day
So go the treasured memories
As the mind meets with decay.

Maybe the question you are asking,
Should not be directed toward me.
Maybe the answer you are seeking,
Is right there but you just can't see.

Maybe I slipped right off that pedestal.
Truth is... I jumped of my own accord.
What were you thinking, placing me there?
Tell me... didn't you hear a single  word?

You know a whole lot about me,
That which I am and chose to share.
Yet still you regard me as "special,"
As someone for who you truly care.

Lessons are sometimes rarely learned,
And mistakes? often repeated in vain.
You have jeopardized all that is you,
"Now stop it! And don't do it again!"

I have sought truth with the diligence of a missing set of keys.
Never to find it. At least not in its whole state.
Its never altogether. Its always scattered in bits and pieces and the wind blows one or another in from time to time when I leave the door open.
And then I collect them...and try to solve the riddles written on them before they will even make any sense and then try to assemble them together...you know ..see if I have all the pieces yet. But I never do. And I find it so ironic that this search for truth entails deciphering lies more often than not and even more ironic that a majority of them are my own which I must have.tossed into the wind ages ago and forgotten about.

There bleeds the day!
There bleeds the day!
Don't cash my chips!
I'm here to play!

"What's this?" you say!
"What's this?" you say!
Go make my bed!
I'm here to stay!

Ill rest my head here for a while...
Laying here wondering how she has me so beguiled,
When i think of her I always smile,
Time with her eternal, away I revile,
I want to *** in her but make no child.  Boom ya!

All the heightened minutes
Trying to keep pace
With parallel boredom
And overfilled space
Every touch is counted
Each whisper as well
The overall auras
Like secrets we tell
It's an intrigue of such
Known only to one
Tucked in so uniquely
With webs that we spun
From amateur housing
To seasoned decay
Time's ever-dividing
Day into a day.

So much effort, so much time,
To emerge with an empty hand.
So many trials, so many tries,
More hurt than one should withstand.

So many years, so many smiles,
Gone overnight like a star.
So much confusion, so much illusion
How did it go this far?

Lovers are lovers and then they are not,
Forever, a fervent quest,
That's not guaranteed, not guaranteed
Even when giving your best.

Taking a break from feeling for now,
To heal, to reflect, to discern.
Still desiring to love and yearning to trust,
Naive heart has so much to learn.

I wish that it was misting and cool right now.
That I could go lie in it, my tears mixing with the rain
Just to feel a part of something pure
But it's not and I'm not crying right now anyway.
Rather I sit surrounded by those who don't know me...never knew me.. never wanted to, and never will.
Did they never catch a glimpse of me? After all this time..
Never saw the heart I hold that bleeds for them
The mind that reasons for them
The sacrifice the abandon the belief inside of me
The beauty of my faith  which was lost so long ago
That I reclaimed in order to believe yet again in them
I've been searching for beauty myself but I'm not finding it here
Portions at times...rations maybe  but no more.. not enough
There's too much ugliness here for me...too much greed
selfishness, immorality, disloyalty, lies and pain here for me.
And I can't belong to this.
I wish that it was misting and cool right now.
That I could go lie in it, my tears mixing with the rain
Just to feel a part of something pure

I hear the bells as well my friend
Those knocks upon the door
That never should be opened
To the faint,.. of that I'm sure.
And friend, I too, I dress in white
To contrast the blackened span.
I too feel nauseous at the sight
Of the passionless hearts of man.
So I've kept company with a soul
Whose thoughts are so absurd
They tapped until they formed a hole
With taps I never heard.
Where stars, ideas, and ghosts collide
Then tumble out to space
With all the agonous shrills that died
To never find their resting place.  
I chase perfection in my brain
Where the mad race has no end.
And deem myself quite insane
Just like you,  my evil friend!

Dreams that seep through crevices,
As we drop them at our feet,
Just as when all hope departs,
The heart slows down it beat.

Lame and injured...soul and mind,
Enjoy no quickened breath,
Abandoned dreams and hopelessness,
Bring but an early death.

Go ahead... think your smarter,
Than me .. go right ahead.
In fact I did agree with you,
"Your so smart" (pouty lips) is what I said.
And then went on pretending
To be a naïve simple fool,
That was all to my advantage, baby,
Letting you think we were "cool."
But I found the truth behind your lies
And I heard everything you said
Then I pretended I loved you too
While you were in my bed.
But you deemed yourself unworthy
And I'm not some naïve simple fool,
Think yourself smarter all you like
But I'm sending you back to school.

The house is quiet, except for the hum of the clothes dryer, which I started to make sure the tennis shoe my son soaked trying to remove the dog poo, was dry before school starts.

I can choose to spend these lonesome hours before all the others start to wake in any way I desire. And I choose to sit here at this computer and try to write a way into others' hearts.

The sun isn't quite up yet, but as soon as I start to see light break through my dining room window, I will be moving to the back deck, where I always, get to see a perfect sunrise.

And I can move back and forth, sometimes side to side, and if I feel like exerting the energy, almost even in a circle (almost), on my wooden swing,  with daybreak in my eyes.

It won't be much longer before the rest of the house wakes up, and I  begin all the daily tasks, like pouring cereal, putting the dogs outside, and trying to get the kids to do just what I say.

It's usually a panicked rush to find a missing shoe or bookbag, and changing shirts a couple times. This morning I did a few preliminary tasks to prepare. Glad I got up early today.

I will not move another
Quarter inch in your direction.
For tireless miles I've walked in the past,
To seek out un-offered affection.
Instead, I'll stop and wait for you,
To realize that you want me too!

And if that time shall never come,
And unveils a true opportunity,
To feel a hand press into mine,
And receive kisses unbegrudgingly,
I'll about face and willingly go,
To unafraid one with love to show.

The now silent cell phone,
And the muted tv,
The every day longing,
For the one I can't see.
The look to the night sky,
The feel of the wind,
The wasting of past time,
That nothing can mend.
My bed full of dreams,
My heart bounds within,
A journal completed,
Of days way back when,
We would hold hands,
And laugh on the beach,
Just writing together,
With no need for speech,
And the sun warmed,
Our eyes that we closed,
And forever was all,
Even time dare propose.
No cigarettes needed,
No liquor would do,
To escape from the truth,
That I never had you.

Just as death claims his prize
6 more souls awake; arise
Mortality never has, nor can
Still the beating heart of "man."
As tender trickles fill the bowl
Earthly tasks consume the soul
Becoming all the eye can see
Til blinded by eternity.

You look to what's in front of you,
I look to what's behind,
And I discover twice as much,
Of what you hope to find.

For what will be has already been,
Everything is repeated.
And before you even lose the game,
You've already been cheated.

You can read every new bestseller,
Knock on every new neighbor's door,
Just keep wishing for your happy ending,
But that too has been done before.

So take a right instead of a left,
Choose to smile and not frown.
But even the village idiots know,
That what goes up must come down.

Is this too harsh for you, my friend?
I've saved the best for last.
There's no future that awaits you,
That isn't in your past.

Ever present, though never here.
You are the one I hold most dear.

Perhaps the absence is the bait,
That snares my soul unto this state.

Of hopefulness, that's never sated,
For a love that's long awaited.

But if it called upon my door,
I dare not answer..this is sure.

For fear of what might be exposed,
'Tis best to leave my door full closed.

For while your eyes can't fix my face,
I am my own self, (my own disgrace,)

Hope lives on, while apart from near,
You are the one I hold most dear.

It is a feeling.
I become all feeling with it.
And though I have only felt it once before,
I recognize it so clearly.
Denial of it isn't even a thought.
I would be foolish to think that.
And I am no fool.
Its not a heaviness, more of a shift.
And it doesn't come slowly.
It's a snapping of twigs in the dark;
At different decibels, on all sides,
Giving away the proximity.
And I flinch with each one.
Like tiny shocks to the system.
Internal twitches.
And I suffer it for a bit.
Until I just am unable to suffer it.
And with a sort of keen guage
I know just how much wrath I will need to overtake.
To silence the twigs.
Derision yields to Decision.
And there will be no pause.
Only. Linear. Forward. Movement.
And then I start bruting myself about;
Not in an attempt to protect myself at all. No.
That motive will be thought of much later,
In a vain attempt to pardon my action.
No.
I stand up tall now... not out of fear.
But to become the threat.
To BE the aggressor.
And I desire that power
With such a fierceness,
That just injuring, will never do.
No. In that moment, I MUST destroy. Completely destroy.
And I do.
And the satisfaction I find in doing that, and in doing it so well,
Is the most dangerous thing
That darkness ever held.

I do not need these walls to live!
Not even my old swing.
In fact if truth be told, my friends,
I do not need a thing.
For my Father, he is with me.
With every breath I draw in.
And I can hear him whispering,
"You must begin..........again."
And I know there is a lesson here,
That somehow I will grow.
That I've been holding on too tight
To things I should let go.
And take a deep liberating breath,
Faithful and worry- free.
Trusting the Shepherd will lead me,
Exactly where I need to be.

I guess I will allow myself,
Just a little while,
A little time to cry alone
Before painting on a smile.

I failed today and failed not just me,
I failed another.
Maybe I was just not meant to be,
Anybody's mother.

I tried so hard to keep it all together,
But I just couldn't do it.
I tried to make everything look ok,
But everyone saw through it.

And I will take the full blame on me,
For the way things are right now.
May I just give up this hopeless fight,
Or would I be failing again somehow?

I wish I could somehow start over again,
At a time when things were still bright.
But that is just so not possible,
There is no way to make it right.

So what becomes of a tired soul,
Who is even undeserving of rest?
Failure is failure no matter what,
It doesn't matter if you did your best.

It is a sacred place
Where statues of memories stand
And familiar voices echo from wells
Where the wind blows the dandelions
To grow the falling stars
That I wish upon

Ah! Self reflection.
So many facets.
This time......
Relationships
None of them worked out
Easy ones, hard ones
Short or long
They never worked out.
Common denominator.  . Me.
Not that I did anything wrong
I just never felt like they knew me.
Until the one we never speak of.
So.   after the almighty period of
This so-called self reflection
I have to tell you.
I don't know **** about this topic.