I cleaned out my closet,
Earlier today,
And with very little thought,
Threw most everything away.

But I found a few lost feelings,
On the top shelf, in a stack,
A pile of old photographs,
Of times I can't get back.

And tears I had already cried,
Returned to me again.
And I foolishly wished things could be,
The way they were back then.

But there is no chance of that,
I shouldn't dwell on it anymore.
You are not the same person at all,
The person I loved before.

The now silent cell phone,
And the muted tv,
The every day longing,
For the one I can't see.
The look to the night sky,
The feel of the wind,
The wasting of past time,
That nothing can mend.
My bed full of dreams,
My heart bounds within,
A journal completed,
Of days way back when,
We would hold hands,
And laugh on the beach,
Just writing together,
With no need for speech,
And the sun warmed,
Our eyes that we closed,
And forever was all,
Even time dare propose.
No cigarettes needed,
No liquor would do,
To escape from the truth,
That I never had you.

I like wildflowers. Just not the ones you picked for me.
And placed in that vase on the table.
They died within 4 hours and left the water cloudy
and putrid smelling.

I like playing games. I'm actually very good at them.
I'm very competitive, you know.
And smart...did you know that?
Smart and intuitive.

I like freedom, too. I'ts like the first breath of air,
After coming up from the shallow end.
It makes me new somehow,
New and alive, very alive.

I don't like promises. I don't make them.
And neither should you.
They just make liars out of otherwise,
Honest people.

Words of love that have long since past,
As the breathless state just could not last,
Just as a pardon, by the sinner, is forgot,
Or as a winner's waste of a lifetime's lot,
Just as seasons do come and seasons do go,
And the truth disturbs all we used to know,
Just as an instant can blemish many years,
Or simple joy is replaced by mixed up tears,
Just as a lie makes the worst foe of a friend,
All things do hurry to their own end.

All at once change arrives and swiftly,deftly...  alters all.
Unprepared and caught off guard we struggle not to fall.

And facing the unfamiliar instills us all with fear.
Not knowing to expect a smile or to expect a tear.

And the things we held so close to heart and believed would never go,
Are now nowhere in our sight or reach, for change has made it so.

Yet we are still expected by society and nature in kind,
To plod ahead courageously, uncertain what we'll find.

And so the sun rises yet again, another morn, another day.
And we must rise right along with it, and head about our way.

Grasping out so carefully, for things, which we believe,
Time itself can never change, and things that will not leave.

And we hold them tight with iron grip, as close as close can be.
But once again change arrives and rips them away.... so easily.

And once our years have wisened us, we learn to take this heed:
Change can alter any moment and truly nothing is guaranteed.

Don't be alarmed!
I have something to say.
Was wanting to inquire,
What you're doing Saturday?

Doesn't have to be this one,
Could be a week or two or so,
But I want to take you with me,
To a place I love to go.

It is a little bit out of the way,
And we may be out a bit late,
But I will drive while you relax,
I'm asking you out on a date.

I know "dork" is what you're thinking,
And I have to say I agree,
I promise you will make it to church,
We will have fun you will see.

It's one of my favorite places,
And I know you will like it too,
If you have sandals... wear em',
Let me know if it's good for you.

I now believe in angels, sent from God, you see,
It became supremely evident the day you came to me.
All of your great qualities, they make you rise above,
Posessing only goodness,... faith -and hope -and love.

And I have never known before, a spirit that's so true.
And seeing your souls'  inner beauty, I long to be like you.
And though you are not "perfect", as no one here can be,
The mere fact that you WANT to be, is inspiring to me.

And when I am around you, my heart aspires to be,
Faithful and pure and genuine for all the world to see.
And I began to change myself, and look for a nobler way,
To live my life with conscience clear, "better" every day.

I wish to be a reflection of all your strength and truth,
And I can finally believe in life, as you are living proof.
And I am truly honored that God blessed me with you,
That he thought that I deserved to know a heart so true.

And I hope that you realize the purpose that you hold,
As I hear true angels in disguise, are seldom ever told.
But, I know, without a doubt, look close, you too will see,
A higher powers' infinite  plan brought you right to me.

I now believe in angels, since I have held your hand.
A gift from God sent just for me to help me understand.
And since I know it may be meant for our paths to turn,
I felt a need to thank you for what you 've helped me learn.

You are in every shadow,
And every dim lit place.
And in every dusk filled crevice,
I think I see your face.
You are in every sunbeam,
And shine too bright to see.
But whenever I feel warm,
It's 'cos you are with me.
You're in every single smile,
That my lips ever make.
And in every single thought,
And in every chance I take.
You are every single beat,
In my ever-hopeful heart,
And the only source of comfort,
When my whole world falls apart.
May our whispers be uplifted,
To the angels on the wind.
So by GOD's grace we can be,
Together, my dear friend.

born contrary to common man
turned internal forevermore
no deviation from the stoics plan
each day is the same as before
no highs no lows ever shone
temperate consistent with mean
mind is numb body is drone
no hint joy has ever been seen
also no sadness just infinite plain
thoughts discussed only inside
no elation and yet no pain
nothing to show hence nothing to hide
surrounded by unaltering vision
sight is flat and color free
precise with no need of precision
only methodical rigidity
hope knows not of what to entreat
soul knows not of what to contain
already within no place to retreat
removed disconnected insane

Where will thy spirit settle,
For it has known...
Beauty in the reeds,
Peace upon the shore,
Sanctity of an empty horizon.
Yet returns to the helm restless every time.
Unsatisfied yet unweary.
Unanchored yet still tied.
Riding whims waves,
At its own mercy.
Seeking a harbor to find one,
and yet another...
Only to turn its sail away,
And return to the helm once again.
Will the current ever breach the captain's will?

Well, for only the second time since I bought this thing, (my laptop), I have moved it from its' fan pad to join me in my favorite spot.

And I am currently wondering whether the cigarette ashes that may fall into it while I type could light the **** thing on fire, for which i would just have to laugh since I have no back up CD made yet, and for what it's worth, my life's work is on this harddrive. I need to quit smoking. The **** commercials you hear on the radion have me deemed a murderer, so now I don't listen to the radio either. I am strictly a CD girl now. One of these days I may catch up a bit and get an IPOD, but I am beginning to think the devil uses all this technology to make real relationships a thing of the past.

I also am missing my mouse out here. I am pretty sure if this use this little fingertip pad long enough, I could teach Braille to a 1 year old.

This is the first time in weeks I have actually used my swing for any duration, and you know what, I miss it. It is kind of hard to type on it though as it sits next to me and rocks a bit with every letter I type.

I've decided, for now, to stop my foolish searching for the meaning of everything, and the end all to everything. For now, I'm just gonna live..day to day..hour by hour...second into the next.

Up until about a year ago, I didn't even know how much I liked to swing, or how much I love to fly kites, or look at Dogwoods, or read philosophy, or even write poetry. I took a detour, a very long one, into a mind sedentary world with no hope, no dreams, no happiness.

And unfortunately, the only way out is the way I came in, which will take me as long to get beck to where as I started, as it took me to get here.

I love to feel the strong breeze that's blowing today. I felt it earlier while taking a walk, and going to the park, but then it was blowing while the sun beat straight down. Now I am in the shade and leaves are blowing onto the deck, and I swear if I had that hammock I keep promising myself to buy, I would be falling asleep on it right now. The kids are gone, daughter at a friends house, and son at grandmas next door. I put the puppies on their leads, and it is only me here right now. It's been forever since that happened too.

I need to get back to me...and I need to stop putting so many demands on myself. If I feel like going to the beach...I should just get in the car and go. I deserve that.. I deserve to smile and laugh and drink my coffee and talk to strangers like I know them  while they look at me like I'm crazy. I deserve friendship. I deserve and desire the love of friends.

Companionship, shared intellect and joys. Freedom. You know I could sit for hours and hours, maybe even days..if I had the liberty and just enjoy nature, and not really think of anything at all. Sometimes it feels like people and responsibilities get in the way of what I was truly meant to be and the things I truly want to do. I wish there was a place where I could just be, you know be...BE.

And one day I want to see my soul in someone elses eyes and just know without question that I'm not so different. That I'm connected somehow, with someone or something, and that I'm not really crazy. That I'm me and I am exactly what I was meant to be and I'm beautiful because I am me. I don't want to adapt to anything or want anyone to adapt to me. I just want to find the place where I fit perfectly.

But the never ending searching for this place has proved unsuccessful. So I believe the answer is to wait for clarity. And it will come. It will come, I know it will. As for now, I'm going to enjoy my coffee in the breeze...on my swing, and just close my eyes and breathe in the wind.

Could we disappear just you and I?
Or make the whole world go away?
Like a magnet I am so drawn to you.
I don't know why I feel this way.

All I know is your in my head,
At any given time of day.
And I love having you there,
And I just want to say...

You have so impressed me,
With everything that's you.
And I easily let you see inside,
Like I usually never do.

It really doesn't matter,
That I can't touch your face.
You are here, right beside me,
As I sit in my favorite place.

And if God be willing,
And Lady Luck is fair,
One day I'll cross the distance,
And you'll be {waiting, sitting} there.

I will not call, I will not call,
Not call on him again!
I do not lie within his heart.
I lie in place of sin!

He calls me there, He calls me there,
I hasten to the call!
I do not lie within his heart.
Not partly, not at all!

I call for him, I call for him,
I wait with no reply!
I do not lie within his heart.
I dim the lights and sigh!

He calls me there, He calls me there,
I should not go but I...
Hurry into loveless arms ,
Then hurry home to cry!

When I picture my paradise,
Through inward, pensive eye,
There's no end to the horizon,
And nothing mars the sky.
And I am lying naked,
Half in shade under the trees,
My partial sunsoaked body,
Being soothed by fleeting breeze.
I take up a ****** journal,
And all the words fall into place,
Then spirit, body, mind, and soul,
All greet the sweetest face.
And like tumultuous rivers flow,
Our ****** too shall be,
For when I picture paradise,
You are making love to me.

The day greeted me with a sharp vision,
Piercing me from in between,
The mingled branches by my window,
With aim, so markedly keen.

And it beckoned me to that window,
To behold the drops of dew,
Like diamonds, sparkling everywhere,
No matter what the view.

And at once I wanted a wider scope,
And ventured out the door.
And I saw my familiar surroundings,
In a way I not had before.

My breath must have escaped me,
And yet I was just unaware,
Til my lungs filled again so fully; quickly
And I was renewed right there.

I soaked in all of the elegance,
Until the moment had passed.
Taking mental snapshots, aware
Such beauty would not last.

I have a thousand little voices going on in my head at any given time and I filter them how I choose I guess.
There are a few very persistent ones, however, that it looks like I will either have to start listening to, or beat the **** out of , but I haven't decided which yet.
Yes, yes, everything seems to be going status quo, but I am still standing exactly where I was ages ago. Lost in the middle of nowhere, with no seeming destination of any kind.
I keep waiting for everything to fall into place , waiting on certainty, but it never comes.
I keep pushing for it though, and it feels like it hates my pushing because once I start to fix my way on something, I get pushed back.
Little pinches really, voices that say, "Stop kidding yourself!"
I don't feel connected to anything ....not one single thing anymore.
It's just me out here paddling a ******* canoe in a circle.
I think once I get used to it..I can be ok with that..maybe.
All I know is nothing fits...not anymore...I have 2 left shoes in different colors and sizes and no feet to put them on anyhow.  Who really cares, anyway?    Ok ...off to church now!

I hold tight to the inner core which is me.
It holds all my passion and all of my pride.
Too important and vital to let others see.
The center of all that I am and what I hide.

A possession of priceless value; component key.
To the opinions I hold and all choices I make.
I am unsure if I belong to it or if it belongs to me.
Enduring presence which no force can break.

Without it I would unguidedly wander,
Amidst others so aimlessly lost,
Its' asset I will never dare to squander,
I have no desire to know the cost.

Purposelly given for me; and not to share,
And I will always hold it in the highest revere.
It's worth to me?; the world does not care.
I know it solely, and it soully to me..... is dear

Just what exactly is being sacrificed here,
And tell me just how long the pain will last.
How unfair it is that I must choose to hurt,
And leave someone very special in the past.

Good vs. Great, what an evil salvation,
****** upon me without an invite.
What a weight to carry, a choice to make,
Between.." maybe right" and "maybe right."

There is a freedom which comes with choice,
But also a prisoners' wage is paid.
As you lock yourself in just as you escape,
With every single choice that is made.

Ah! To let you believe I became your victim
Theres no better reward for me
I chose and took your soul ...you fool
Too ignorant to see
I don't allow a glimpse within
Despite you thinking so
How bored I have become again
With all the status quo
With all the base humane of weak
Of all the stupid fare
Even now I dumb this down
Just so that I can share
Oh have you met the devil?
I guarantee that you have not.
He sends me presdisposing
Of all unworthy lot.

Tell me the difference between......

A good man and a great one...
A little white lie and a lie........
One who cheated and a cheater.........
A promise and a vow..............
An honest answer and an oath
Punishment and cruelty
Dislike and hatred
Believing and faith
Loving and being in love
Knowing and understanding
Holding and clinging
Resting and relaxing
Writing and expressing
Overlooking and forgiving
Ignoring and forgetting


Is there any difference
At all?, ....I am not sure.
In fact, I think them quite the same,
But one with so much more.

Today I place you where you belong
Not where I wan't you to be
For the lie which has held me hostage
Now in truth has set me free

T'was never a word that you uttered
Nor any gift that you had shown
That made me hold u so exalted
No. That blame is all my own

Funny how the brain can ration out
a senseless amount of care
Giving the most to one so common
And the least to one so rare.

You were never my Anam cara
Not my soulmate, nor " the one"
Just another man, of many men
When it was all said and done.

And so...

Today I place you where you belong
Not where I wan't you to be
For the lie which has held me hostage
Now in truth has been set free

Sometimes just for nostalgia,
I re-read the poems of the past.
You wrote with such conviction,
And a hope which did not last.
But just to see those words again,
Makes my world again so clear.
Filled with courage, without doubt,
The days of yesteryear.
When all the "black and white" of it,
The search for a perfect tree,
"Trouble" in all it's glory,
Meant everything to me.
And though I no longer speak it,
And all hope is gone it seems,
Believe me, not one day goes by,
When you aren't in my dreams.