It's too bad you didn't get to meet her.
The girl she was before.
The hiatus girl who was ready.
To give. To live, to love.
Years of working on herself
To be a person worthy
To be so self aware
She was awesome if I may say so,
She was open, brave, passionate.
Unfortunately, all those qualities
Made her easy prey.
She's not so beautiful anymore.

This Christmas season
I traveled
One house to another
From friend to friend
With two suitcases
A new CD, and two books
I stayed with whoever offered
Surpringly, there were many.
I left home this Christmas
Because it wasn't home anymore.
A different language is spoken there now.
Even a compass can not stop there.
This Christmas I changed.
The choice came easier than I thought at 6am
On a Monday morning.
Not even really a choice
My feet moved all their own
My hands packed the bags
By 7am I was, at least in my mind,
Homeless.
With no fear.
There was never any fear.
How bizarre to me.
All these years afraid of change
To have no fear once changed.
It's been a while now
With my suitcases and welcoming friends.
I feel more at home than ever actually.
Home really is where the heart is.
Some may think I am insane.
That is just because the world indoctrinates us with material
Things and places.
None of those make us feel good.
Now the rest look insane to me.
This Christmas season was different.
Mentality changing.
Visionary.
Courage filled
Altered.
Special.
I thank God for the changes in me
The growth
I start 2025 new.
Truly new.

Ah! Self reflection.
So many facets.
This time......
Relationships
None of them worked out
Easy ones, hard ones
Short or long
They never worked out.
Common denominator.  . Me.
Not that I did anything wrong
I just never felt like they knew me.
Until the one we never speak of.
So.   after the almighty period of
This so-called self reflection
I have to tell you.
I don't know **** about this topic.

Midnight
On the green
With the smell of
Stale whiskey
*****
Wafting close
Getting lost
In cemeteries
Seeing you over my coffee mug
Through the steam
Quietly watching me
As dawn bleeds in
The day
My passenger seat
Froth on your lips
Getting high
Garth the GOAT
Silly chuckles.
So close on the couch
Warm and calm
With no where to be
Nothing to say
Just breathing together
Finding my hip bones
Karaoke
Drunken nights
Matching shirts
The good stuff
I still smile.

And knowing not which sense to send
A chorus,  verse,  or vision went
Attached to hope off to the wind
Seeking the one for whom 'twas meant
To pull a heart, remind a soul
Rouse a ***** from its safe sleep
Stir water in a stagnant hole
And cull remembrance from the deep
Either hope, wind or current failed
So land no song, no writ, nor sight
Just muddy water has prevailed
And darkness still obscures the light

Might I just dissolve here
Smaller and smaller I become
With each poke. Each ****.
Each blow.
A swallow
A blanket
And I retreat
Into couch cushions
Unseen.

You don't know that I'm failing now,
Nor that your voice I need to hear.
Would my call reach only silence?
One of which, - I - could never bear?
And so I just lie here anguished.
Alone.  Just one more single breath.
Pride... Please depart! Before my heart
Accepts the liberty of death!

Enough of will to hold the words
Not enough to hold the tears
Enough of doubt to stay removed
Not enough to forget years
Enough of pain to stop the heart
Not enough to still the head
Enough of hope to keep on breathing
Not enough to raise the dead.