Because I know you're happy now
I can turn away
Breathe a little deeper
Let go of yesterday
Because I know you're happy now
I can now be free
To love another fully
And give him all of me
Because I know you're happy now
I can finally heal
Stop the last ditch efforts
And focus on the real
Because I know your happy now
I can sleep at night
I will always love you
And I'm glad that you're alright.

A bit of me to spoil the pages now.
A little *****
Single words bite me
Strange.
Just like how they whispered about me years ago
Nothing cool about dresses they said
But I loved them
I stopped wearing them
Traded them for grunge jeans and
Board shorts
But there was always a book by the *** wax in the slouch bag
Two inches of paradise and silverfish
I found few precious others like me
They moved on to normal
I stayed awkward
Inverted
With just enough wit to keep
Some around.... sometimes.
Most times I just recoil like the slapped hand of a happy child
Just how the "F" word hits on sunday morning.
I endure apologies for what they are
Admissions of poorly trained minds
I am not breathable
I am not the one who can be invigorated
Nor can I invorigate
I just think too much, too differently
To ever be understood
Or to understand
I've always slept facedown on the lowest cloud
Nearer heaven gives a better view of hell.

When the horizon cuts the sun in two
As to the heart what pain can do
Half entombed to hold the night
Half to blind

There bleeds the day!
There bleeds the day!
Don't cash my chips!
I'm here to play!

"What's this?" you say!
"What's this?" you say!
Go make my bed!
I'm here to stay!

I am coming out of the fog now
Slowly but I am.
Realizing the lessons of the past several years.
I learned to hold on some
Longer than I have ever held on to anyone
I learned there are others out there
Whom I can form very strong bonds with
In different ways
I also learned to let go
I had to
I didn't want to sit on that porch forever
Alone
I learned that too.
I learned to adapt
Which I had rarely ever done before
Never really had to
Because I didn't move much.
Change scared the hell out of me.
But I changed.
Quickly
Purposefully
Courageously
Then I adapted to it.
My whole world is different now
The trees are different here
The pets, you know I'm a dog girl.
Fish and cats are cool though too.
Another thing I learned.
I brought nothing but a few changes of clothes, 6 books, my bible, and my medicine.
I haven't missed "home" at all.
I have only missed one single soul

I'm in every song you never listened to
Every poem you never read
The only reason you don't know me
Is 'cause you popped a beer instead.
I'm in all those highlighted pages
In every tear you failed to see
I'm in every lonely hour spent
Because three shots preceeded me.
I talk with many long-passed ghosts
Because they listen better than you
So if you feel like you don't know me,
my dear,  I'd have to say that's true.

I can stretch your years to decades
Circle back for decades more
And those counterclockwise years will spin
Much faster than those before.
So, perhaps you should surrender,
Avoid us all the riddled time,
Of hijacked links
Emoji winks
And even this here rhyme.

I've actually gotten much worse it seems,
Since taking hold of other dreams,
You see,  my friend, I've gone quite mad,
Each hour...a dream I never had.
No, the sun is real, it always shows
See it or not, it comes and goes
Like me, of somewhat fickle lot
Perfect! All perfect! Until it's not.
By another's, or by my own hand,
Way too irrational to understand
And so my mind just flits around
Like cottonwood petals on the ground
And nothing is as it should be
Minutes filled so frantically
One dream recurs, (my guilty sin),
Two souls become just one again.

And there dies my heart.
It is finished.

The only one who prioritized me
Never even existed
What do you do with that?
Chew on it.

Failure to thrive they call it
Its just an umbrella code they give
To those of us whose bodies
Don't want to let us live
It's the last resort diagnosis
After all of the tests are done,
Every possible cause ruled out,
Every theory disproven, every one.
Its when you lose a little less than half
Of your entire self within a year
Somehow, others think you look ok
Not too much worse for wear
But by year two they recognize
You look less and less alive
No reason, no cure,  no treatment
Its just a ******* failure to thrive.
Trust me, it's a pivotal moment
When you hear it said
Not even half a decade old
At half a decade I'll be dead.
But I feel it (as if touched) I feel it
My body, brain, and soul go slow
I am dying, every part, altogether
And from what I'll never know.

When we meet on the other side
When chaotic thoughts have flown
We will love with such a clarity
This world has never known.

In a world where lovers are many
And friends are oh so few
I thought that you would recognize
Which one I am to you.
A friend doesn't care what you bring to the table
They care only about what they serve
They want you to get the very best from life
Not for that which you might deserve.
They may send a funny tshirt
Or the doctor right to your door
They pray for you every single day
On your bad days they pray the more
And not time, nor words, nor distance
Will ever change their love for you
Lovers will come and lovers will go
But thats not what true friends do.
We stick around through lifes follies
Even if we may never speak again
But know dear friend you are with me
Right where you've always been.

Enough of will to hold the words
Not enough to hold the tears
Enough of doubt to stay removed
Not enough to forget years
Enough of pain to stop the heart
Not enough to still the head
Enough of hope to keep on breathing
Not enough to raise the dead.

You don't know that I'm failing now,
Nor that your voice I need to hear.
Would my call reach only silence?
One of which, - I - could never bear?
And so I just lie here anguished.
Alone.  Just one more single breath.
Pride... Please depart! Before my heart
Accepts the liberty of death!

And knowing not which sense to send
A chorus,  verse,  or vision went
Attached to hope off to the wind
Seeking the one for whom 'twas meant
To pull a heart, remind a soul
Rouse a ***** from its safe sleep
Stir water in a stagnant hole
And cull remembrance from the deep
Either hope, wind or current failed
So land no song, no writ, nor sight
Just muddy water has prevailed
Just as darkness over light

Ah! Self reflection.
So many facets.
This time......
Relationships
None of them worked out
Easy ones, hard ones
Short or long
They never worked out.
Common denominator.  . Me.
Not that I did anything wrong
I just never felt like they knew me.
Until the one we never speak of.
So.   after the almighty period of
This so-called self reflection
I have to tell you.
I don't know **** about this topic.

All the fibers remain
So entwined with mine
Head to heart and back again
I don't know why

I think i figured it all out.
Yeah.
Our souls get filled with so much along the years.
It hoards all of the most amazing and most horrible moments.
And we just clutch them to us as if they are needed to maintain our structure.
As if they formed us, somehow.
I don't believe that.
My soul has never changed
It's just harder to reach now because
Of all those moments in there surrounding it.
So I started thinking that it requires a purge.
And how many times I may have partly done that.
In those rare allowed moments I had.
When collapse came
When sobbing that truly hurt the heart occurred.
What if I hadn't succumbed to the need to collect myself?
What if just lay there and sobbed more?
Until I didn't need to sob anymore?
In all those cemeteries that called to me from time to time.
On that blanket looking at 10 story pine trees; the sun changing the color of its needles.
On that carport when I felt like I was close to being fully known.
When all of me was screaming for that purge.
I think if I had just let it happen, let it all go, emptied my soul
I would have stood up
Completely able, completely ready, and completely free to just
Be me again.

What is the cost of safety?
Denying your heart to feel.
Just what will that get you?
Never knowing something real.

A loss is just another day
Be no injury felt at all
Just status quo and que sera
No rise, like-wise, no fall

Have you seen fire formed from a flame?
Or have you seen ash form a fire?
Depends on your brain and your name;
Just how you sell truth to a liar.

The holding on is over now
You have let me go
Just as trees give up their leaves
Slowly, surely
I knew it would be this way
That I wasn't strong enough
To release you first
I never wanted to give up
On that eternal summer
That beautiful season
Of hope and loving
When nothing mattered more
Than being in your arms
When my heartbeat increased with the miles on my way to you
I play in the sun with those memories from time to time
When it's quiet and my mind allows it
Wearing fleece lounge pants that... (like me)
You never wanted.

'T was a throne too high to mount;
Even for Goliath.
Too large to fit; to secure one,
And yet they rose me and I sat.
As Croseus did receive; I did receive.
Until sight (with the clouds) reeled,
To whom I offered exchange.
Granted; humbled; homed;
I fell,
To silent, safer depths.
And yet still they found me.
Silent still I remain.
Of revelations..... none, which they don't already know.
Spare that they are too ignorant to know it so.

Take the girl who walks the straightest.

One with:
Honesty
Understanding
Compassion

Spin her round 3 times.

Let the centrifugal force **** out:
Her Truth
Her Perception
Her Benevolence

Then tell her to walk straight again.

She will never walk straight again.

A useless game of tug of war
Heart and head are equal foes
The soul will lose either way
That's just the way it goes.

There are no more years with which to play
No more months to just idle away
Not much more time for things I should say
Besides, they won't listen anyway.

And so now the white flag will be
flown
As I take my leave to the unknown
Some marble placed and a flower thrown
In place of a love I've never known.

In those deep, deep clutches of the heart
Where every pain is held
And covered with others over the years
All wrapped up together
Every injury, dismissal, loss, and rejection
Disappointment, abandonment, cast off, and failure
How could a heart even grow under all that?

What if stars had no purpose
Other than make us wonder
During peace the wealthy still
Show up to go and plunder
Slimy long-aged miracles
Still find rocks to crawl under
Deadly draughts continue on
Despite the sound of thunder

This Christmas season
I traveled
One house to another
From friend to friend
With two suitcases
A new CD, and two books
I stayed with whoever offered
Surpringly, there were many.
I left home this Christmas
Because it wasn't home anymore.
A different language is spoken there now.
Even a compass can not stop there.
This Christmas I changed.
The choice came easier than I thought at 6am
On a Monday morning.
Not even really a choice
My feet moved all their own
My hands packed the bags
By 7am I was, at least in my mind,
Homeless.
With no fear.
There was never any fear.
How bizarre to me.
All these years afraid of change
To have no fear once changed.
It's been a while now
With my suitcases and welcoming friends.
I feel more at home than ever actually.
Home really is where the heart is.
Some may think I am insane.
That is just because the world indoctrinates us with material
Things and places.
None of those make us feel good.
Now the rest look insane to me.
This Christmas season was different.
Mentality changing.
Visionary.
Courage filled
Altered.
Special.
I thank God for the changes in me
The growth
I start 2025 new.
Truly new.

Might I just dissolve here
Smaller and smaller I become
With each poke. Each ****.
Each blow.
A swallow
A blanket
And I retreat
Into couch cushions
Unseen.

"Two heart cases before me!"
The cat claws down the screen
Its the most dysfunction
The most dysfunction
The most dysfunction ever seen!!!!

Two houses has she in her name
A wet box her friend in the rain
Its the most bizarre thing
The most bizarre thing
That such a sane girl went insane!!!!!

One day my friend
Your eyes will clear
Your head will lift.

Soul unchained
You will feel
Purpose
Peace
Acceptance.

It all waits for you
It waits
On you.
On time.

It holds
Essence
Gravity
Providence
Faith
Eros

Everything

Everythi­ng
You wouldn't do
Couldn't do
Will be done
Anyway.

That is the Universe
It is where we all meet
And where we all meet again.

I love you for your scarred, scared soul.
For every brick you placed around your heart.
Every past injury that you made light of.
For every single time you pushed me away.
For every scattered thought you had;
Every hideous act.
For the self-control you dressed up in from time to time.
For all the pretending that never fooled me, not even once.  
For all your effort to run and hide to protect yourself.
For your desperate claws that lashed out at me when you felt me too close.
For the battle you fought (and lost) between truth and fear.
And no, I could not help you.
But I could love you.
And I always will.
Because I saw you.
I see you still.

To **** true love with idle hands
Is a talent of mere mortal men
Who toss around unholy bands
Until paid with death for every sin.

The drawers won't close.
All those inequities
I paired up and shoved away
Pieces of them hang out
Like stray dental floss
There is no more space
To hide all the pills,
The "fix me's,"
The "miracle cures."
All those disposed of
"Too-good to be trues,"
That never made me good enough,
Are everywhere.
Half-used
Half-wasted.
Just like me.

It's too bad you didn't get to meet her.
The girl she was before.
The hiatus girl who was ready.
To give. To live, to love.
Years of working on herself
To be a person worthy
To be so self aware
She was awesome if I may say so,
She was open, brave, passionate.
Unfortunately, all those qualities
Made her easy prey.
She's not so beautiful anymore.

Midnight
On the green
With the smell of
Stale whiskey
*****
Wafting close
Getting lost
In cemeteries
Seeing you over my coffee mug
Through the steam
Quietly watching me
As dawn bleeds in
The day
My passenger seat
Froth on your lips
Getting high
Garth the GOAT
Silly chuckles.
So close on the couch
Warm and calm
With no where to be
Nothing to say
Just breathing together
Finding my hip bones
Karaoke
Drunken nights
Matching shirts
The good stuff
I still smile.

The shards you see
There in the grass
Look a whole to me

Perspective be
Diamond or glass
What is it to thee

How strange you saw the devil
Where an angel stood
Made darkness out of the light;
Evil from the good.
Turned innocence into jaded
White right into black
Truth was right in front of you
Now it's at your back.

it was that last shot
That exposed you
Oh yeah a little Seagrams
Can bring out the best in all of us baby
But no worries
That ugliness will be excused
right?
Every woman before me excused it
Hmm
Too bad I am a different kind of woman
So what do I say when you ask......
"Babe I'm feeling sad right now. Can you help me with my feelings?"
After no consideration (because I know right from wrong)
I respond
AYFKMD?
Then I leave.
Easy.

Seems such a waste
Of energy....
In frozen space
To grab a falling star
When we spent too much already
Just to get to where we are

It's a steady drip on a window sill
Hitting the backside of my brain
That never quits, will never quit..until
I bring all thought to you....a-gāin.

I sit with glasses perched
And a steamy cup
With all my consolations
Gathered about
Less of me now
And more of them
All my little pleasures
Acquired over the years
That bring me peace
Beauty and smiles
Pope and puzzles
Almond brush plants
Glass wind chimes
Dickinson and Morrison
Duritz and moonlight
Caffeine and nicotine
Impossible dreams
In my pajamas
Almost comfortable enough
To not miss a single thing

Shattered pieces fall like rain
Drop, and bounce, to fall again
Leaves will shake
Boughs will break
A hero will live; die in vain

The wind will still, and then will blow
A season comes as seasons go
Earth will turn
Love will yearn
'Tis God himself that makes it so.

Furrow no more
Thy weathered brow
O'er times before
Or even now

Play well the part
For which thee were cast
With all your heart
ACT ONE  'til the last

Offer naught a (sigh)
At the curtain's last fall
But smile AND cry
At the end of it all

'Tis not a sep-er-ā-ted place
In the seam of joy and strife
Rather, the most perfected space
That connects a death to life.

As tired is to weary,
Love to in-love be.
As sorrow is to anguish,
Lone....to lonely me.

A fraction,; mill-i-meter,
Minūte; yet.. severe!
There's just but a breath between
Desolate; nadir.

Content with the portion which I gave;
Any more I would have been a slave.
Enough reserved with which to save
myself from the untimely despair;
Just the perfect ration left to spare
To bring myself back round to fair.

How to define the love of soul?
To see beauty in a tear
Decipher the truth from a lie
Spoken solely out of fear
Embrace another's hidden pain
Until all the pain subsides
Recognize a man's courage
While that same man just hides.
To notice what the vision craves
With the chaos all around
Hear the purest melody
Even when there is no sound.  
Forgive the human condition
Ignore parts to see the whole
Silent trembling lips know how
To define the love of soul.

Sleep now, my love.

As the sun rises on my face,
Rest your mind, rest your head.
In that subdued and shuttered place
With that memory -filled bed.
Go be where the angels dwell
And the little children play.
And think not of me, for a spell.
Think naught of me today.

It's just like sluggish raindrops
The way they slowly trickle in
All those memories we had to tuck away
To begin
To begin...again.

The only thing to do now
Is try to avoid the pain
Fill up the hours right until
My last breaths start to wane
Then use that sacred moment
Just as life begins to drain
To return to all I knew of beauty
And to see your face again.