The best to learn I learned at last
And learning I did bloom
Fountain-fed, nurtured well
Given the adequate room
Planted with a seed of trust
And a hand with delicacy
Pink petals of a creamy hue
Are all I need of ecstacy
Fragrance-filled and self-indulged
A privilege beauty can defend
For now I am a blossom
But we all wither in the end

It hit just like a death blow to my head
I've been believing the biggest lie
That you would love me forever (that's what you said)
Love me until the day you die

But I see things now not meant for me
Like midnights pulsing red neon sign
Flashing her to her to me and she
I was (but in the pattern).... a line

Not a diamond overlooked too long
Not your whole life's endeavour
Not the subject of any love song
Not the one you'll regret forever

I was just a women like them all
A single pawn in a game of chess
Humbled now. I take the mighty fall.
While you think of me less and less.

I was not any more seen or known
Than any other plain passerby
But no soul ever wants to feel alone
I guesd that's why I believed the lie.

Being without you kills me
Being with you would **** me too
It's just a terrible tragedy
That this world puts us through.

The Universe sprinkled fairy dust
But we didn't breathe it in
Now the Universe (in its disdain)
Will never sprinkle us again.

I would hazard a guess
That the stars who gazed back at us
On that moonless night
Together in that open field
Have either fallen
Or wish to
From the sadness
That became of us

There will always be
a portion of me
That rides upon your satellite
That one piece I can't recover
And while my soul misses that piece
I don't want it back
Its absence is the only proof
That we ever existed as one
And that is rare
That is special
That is the Universe allowing me
A glimpse of heaven.

My soul is so heartbroken on one side and so red blazing joyous on the other.
And yet it still won't choose.

Just as empires rise and fall
Perception also wanes
Memories but the worst of all
Forgotten garden scenes
Pleasures pulse moves so the more
Like the tides in and out
Depending on which ever shore
Your lover stands on now.

It was a quick flash
And a reset
I knew if I stayed I would die
A souls death
I left
Became something different
Something better

He blew in sideways on a rainy day
With a smile
I called it the ecstaticism.
And oh how I loved!
In between day one and the end
He took me on a ride.
Through the mountains
Winding roads and ups and downs
Just like a dragons's tail
He saved the the deepest drop for last
And all of my security, most of my trust, half of my dignity, and too much of my faith
Fell out of my pockets and into his lap.
I never saw him again.
But he still has all those things.
And suddenly I am blessed with everything I have always wanted
But without those precious things I can't really enjoy any of it.
I still feel something akin to the panic of realizing you can't find your kid in a department store for 5 seconds,
Everytime I see a Red Tacoma.
Which is pretty **** frequently.
It's like receiving quick jolts of electricity without any notice at any given time of any day.
Trauma, it's a *****.

A bit of me to spoil the pages now.
A little *****
Single words bite me
Strange.
Just like how they whispered about me years ago
Nothing cool about dresses they said
But I loved them
I stopped wearing them
Traded them for grunge jeans and
Board shorts
But there was always a book by the *** wax in the slouch bag
Two inches of paradise and silverfish
I found few precious others like me
They moved on to normal
I stayed awkward
Inverted
With just enough wit to keep
Some around.... sometimes.
Most times I just recoil like the slapped hand of a happy child
Just how the "F" word hits on sunday morning.
I endure apologies for what they are
Admissions of poorly trained minds
I am not breathable
I am not the one who can be invigorated
Nor can I invorigate
I just think too much, too differently
To ever be understood
Or to understand
I've always slept facedown on the lowest cloud
Nearer heaven gives a better view of hell.

When the horizon cuts the sun in two
As to the heart what pain can do
Half entombed to hold the night
Half to blind

There bleeds the day!
There bleeds the day!
Don't cash my chips!
I'm here to play!

"What's this?" you say!
"What's this?" you say!
Go make my bed!
I'm here to stay!

I am coming out of the fog now
Slowly but I am.
Realizing the lessons of the past several years.
I learned to hold on some
Longer than I have ever held on to anyone
I learned there are others out there
Whom I can form very strong bonds with
In different ways
I also learned to let go
I had to
I didn't want to sit on that porch forever
Alone
I learned that too.
I learned to adapt
Which I had rarely ever done before
Never really had to
Because I didn't move much.
Change scared the hell out of me.
But I changed.
Quickly
Purposefully
Courageously
Then I adapted to it.
My whole world is different now
The trees are different here
The pets, you know I'm a dog girl.
Fish and cats are cool though too.
Another thing I learned.
I brought nothing but a few changes of clothes, 6 books, my bible, and my medicine.
I haven't missed "home" at all.
I have only missed one single soul

I'm in every song you never listened to
Every poem you never read
The only reason you don't know me
Is 'cause you popped a beer instead.
I'm in all those highlighted pages
In every tear you failed to see
I'm in every lonely hour spent
Because three shots preceeded me.
I talk with many long-passed ghosts
Because they listen better than you
So if you feel like you don't know me,
my dear,  I'd have to say that's true.

I've actually gotten much worse it seems,
Since taking hold of other dreams,
You see,  my friend, I've gone quite mad,
Each hour...a dream I never had.
No, the sun is real, it always shows
See it or not, it comes and goes
Like me, of somewhat fickle lot
Perfect! All perfect! Until it's not.
By another's, or by my own hand,
Way too irrational to understand
And so my mind just flits around
Like cottonwood petals on the ground
And nothing is as it should be
Minutes filled so frantically
One dream recurs, (my guilty sin),
Two souls become just one again.

The only one who prioritized me
Never even existed
What do you do with that?
Chew on it.

Failure to thrive they call it
Its just an umbrella code they give
To those of us whose bodies
Don't want to let us live
It's the last resort diagnosis
After all of the tests are done,
Every possible cause ruled out,
Every theory disproven, every one.
Its when you lose a little less than half
Of your entire self within a year
Somehow, others think you look ok
Not too much worse for wear
But by year two they recognize
You look less and less alive
No reason, no cure,  no treatment
Its just a ******* failure to thrive.
Trust me, it's a pivotal moment
When you hear it said
Not even half a decade old
At half a decade I'll be dead.
But I feel it (as if touched) I feel it
My body, brain, and soul go slow
I am dying, every part, altogether
And from what I'll never know.

When we meet on the other side
When chaotic thoughts have flown
We will love with such a clarity
This world has never known.

Enough of will to hold the words
Not enough to hold the tears
Enough of doubt to stay removed
Not enough to forget years
Enough of pain to stop the heart
Not enough to still the head
Enough of hope to keep on breathing
Not enough to raise the dead.

You don't know that I'm failing now,
Nor that your voice I need to hear.
Would my call reach only silence?
One of which, - I - could never bear?
And so I just lie here anguished.
Alone.  Just one more single breath.
Pride... Please depart! Before my heart
Accepts the liberty of death!

And knowing not which sense to send
A chorus,  verse,  or vision went
Attached to hope off to the wind
Seeking the one for whom 'twas meant
To pull a heart, remind a soul
Rouse a ***** from its safe sleep
Stir water in a stagnant hole
And cull remembrance from the deep
Either hope, wind or current failed
So land no song, no writ, nor sight
Just muddy water has prevailed
Just as darkness over light

Ah! Self reflection.
So many facets.
This time......
Relationships
None of them worked out
Easy ones, hard ones
Short or long
They never worked out.
Common denominator.  . Me.
Not that I did anything wrong
I just never felt like they knew me.
Until the one we never speak of.
So.   after the almighty period of
This so-called self reflection
I have to tell you.
I don't know **** about this topic.

All the fibers remain
So entwined with mine
Head to heart and back again
I don't know why

I think i figured it all out.
Yeah.
Our souls get filled with so much along the years.
It hoards all of the most amazing and most horrible moments.
And we just clutch them to us as if they are needed to maintain our structure.
As if they formed us, somehow.
I don't believe that.
My soul has never changed
It's just harder to reach now because
Of all those moments in there surrounding it.
So I started thinking that it requires a purge.
And how many times I may have partly done that.
In those rare allowed moments I had.
When collapse came
When sobbing that truly hurt the heart occurred.
What if I hadn't succumbed to the need to collect myself?
What if just lay there and sobbed more?
Until I didn't need to sob anymore?
In all those cemeteries that called to me from time to time.
On that blanket looking at 10 story pine trees; the sun changing the color of its needles.
On that carport when I felt like I was close to being fully known.
When all of me was screaming for that purge.
I think if I had just let it happen, let it all go, emptied my soul
I would have stood up
Completely able, completely ready, and completely free to just
Be me again.

What is the cost of safety?
Denying your heart to feel.
Just what will that get you?
Never knowing something real.

A loss is just another day
Be no injury felt at all
Just status quo and que sera
No rise, like-wise, no fall

Have you seen fire formed from a flame?
Or have you seen ash form a fire?
Depends on your brain and your name;
Just how you sell truth to a liar.

'T was a throne too high to mount;
Even for Goliath.
Too large to fit; to secure one,
And yet they rose me and I sat.
As Croseus did receive; I did receive.
Until sight (with the clouds) reeled,
To whom I offered exchange.
Granted; humbled; homed;
I fell,
To silent, safer depths.
And yet still they found me.
Silent still I remain.
Of revelations..... none, which they don't already know.
Spare that they are too ignorant to know it so.

Take the girl who walks the straightest.

One with:
Honesty
Understanding
Compassion

Spin her round 3 times.

Let the centrifugal force **** out:
Her Truth
Her Perception
Her Benevolence

Then tell her to walk straight again.

She will never walk straight again.

A useless game of tug of war
Heart and head are equal foes
The soul will lose either way
That's just the way it goes.

There are no more years with which to play
No more months to just idle away
Not much more time for things I should say
Besides, they won't listen anyway.

And so now the white flag will be
flown
As I take my leave to the unknown
Some marble placed and a flower thrown
In place of a love I've never known.

In those deep, deep clutches of the heart
Where every pain is held
And covered with others over the years
All wrapped up together
Every injury, dismissal, loss, and rejection
Disappointment, abandonment, cast off, and failure
How could a heart even grow under all that?

What if stars had no purpose
Other than make us wonder
During peace the wealthy still
Show up to go and plunder
Slimy long-aged miracles
Still find rocks to crawl under
Deadly draughts continue on
Despite the sound of thunder

This Christmas season
I traveled
One house to another
From friend to friend
With two suitcases
A new CD, and two books
I stayed with whoever offered
Surpringly, there were many.
I left home this Christmas
Because it wasn't home anymore.
A different language is spoken there now.
Even a compass can not stop there.
This Christmas I changed.
The choice came easier than I thought at 6am
On a Monday morning.
Not even really a choice
My feet moved all their own
My hands packed the bags
By 7am I was, at least in my mind,
Homeless.
With no fear.
There was never any fear.
How bizarre to me.
All these years afraid of change
To have no fear once changed.
It's been a while now
With my suitcases and welcoming friends.
I feel more at home than ever actually.
Home really is where the heart is.
Some may think I am insane.
That is just because the world indoctrinates us with material
Things and places.
None of those make us feel good.
Now the rest look insane to me.
This Christmas season was different.
Mentality changing.
Visionary.
Courage filled
Altered.
Special.
I thank God for the changes in me
The growth
I start 2025 new.
Truly new.

Might I just dissolve here
Smaller and smaller I become
With each poke. Each ****.
Each blow.
A swallow
A blanket
And I retreat
Into couch cushions
Unseen.

"Two heart cases before me!"
The cat claws down the screen
Its the most dysfunction
The most dysfunction
The most dysfunction ever seen!!!!

Two houses has she in her name
A wet box her friend in the rain
Its the most bizarre thing
The most bizarre thing
That such a sane girl went insane!!!!!

One day my friend
Your eyes will clear
Your head will lift.

Soul unchained
You will feel
Purpose
Peace
Acceptance.

It all waits for you
It waits
On you.
On time.

It holds
Essence
Gravity
Providence
Faith
Eros

Everything

Everythi­ng
You wouldn't do
Couldn't do
Will be done
Anyway.

That is the Universe
It is where we all meet
And where we all meet again.

To **** true love with idle hands
Is a talent of mere mortal men
Who toss around unholy bands
Until paid with death for every sin.

The drawers won't close.
All those inequities
I paired up and shoved away
Pieces of them hang out
Like stray dental floss
There is no more space
To hide all the pills,
The "fix me's,"
The "miracle cures."
All those disposed of
"Too-good to be trues,"
That never made me good enough,
Are everywhere.
Half-used
Half-wasted.
Just like me.

It's too bad you didn't get to meet her.
The girl she was before.
The hiatus girl who was ready.
To give. To live, to love.
Years of working on herself
To be a person worthy
To be so self aware
She was awesome if I may say so,
She was open, brave, passionate.
Unfortunately, all those qualities
Made her easy prey.
She's not so beautiful anymore.

The shards you see
There in the grass
Look a whole to me

Perspective be
Diamond or glass
What is it to thee

How strange you saw the devil
Where an angel stood
Made darkness out of the light;
Evil from the good.
Turned innocence into jaded
White right into black
Truth was right in front of you
Now it's at your back.

it was that last shot
That exposed you
Oh yeah a little Seagrams
Can bring out the best in all of us baby
But no worries
That ugliness will be excused
right?
Every woman before me excused it
Hmm
Too bad I am a different kind of woman
So what do I say when you ask......
"Babe I'm feeling sad right now. Can you help me with my feelings?"
After no consideration (because I know right from wrong)
I respond
AYFKMD?
Then I leave.
Easy.

Seems such a waste
Of energy....
In frozen space
To grab a falling star
When we spent too much already
Just to get to where we are