He blew in sideways on a rainy day
With a smile
I called it the ecstaticism.
And oh how I loved!
In between day one and the end
He took me on a ride.
Through the mountains
Winding roads and ups and downs
Just like a dragons's tail
He saved the the deepest drop for last
And all of my security, most of my trust, half of my dignity, and too much of my faith
Fell out of my pockets and into his lap.
I never saw him again.
But he still has all those things.
And suddenly I am blessed with everything I have always wanted
But without those precious things I can't really enjoy any of it.
I still feel something akin to the panic of realizing you can't find your kid in a department store for 5 seconds,
Everytime I see a Red Tacoma.
Which is pretty **** frequently.
It's like receiving quick jolts of electricity without any notice at any given time of any day.
Trauma, it's a *****.

A bit of me to spoil the pages now.
A little *****
Single words bite me
Strange.
Just like how they whispered about me years ago
Nothing cool about dresses they said
But I loved them
I stopped wearing them
Traded them for grunge jeans and
Board shorts
But there was always a book by the *** wax in the slouch bag
Two inches of paradise and silverfish
I found few precious others like me
They moved on to normal
I stayed awkward
Inverted
With just enough wit to keep
Some around.... sometimes.
Most times I just recoil like the slapped hand of a happy child
Just how the "F" word hits on sunday morning.
I endure apologies for what they are
Admissions of poorly trained minds
I am not breathable
I am not the one who can be invigorated
Nor can I invorigate
I just think too much, too differently
To ever be understood
Or to understand
I've always slept facedown on the lowest cloud
Nearer heaven gives a better view of hell.

When the horizon cuts the sun in two
As to the heart what pain can do
Half entombed to hold the night
Half to blind

There bleeds the day!
There bleeds the day!
Don't cash my chips!
I'm here to play!

"What's this?" you say!
"What's this?" you say!
Go make my bed!
I'm here to stay!

I am coming out of the fog now
Slowly but I am.
Realizing the lessons of the past several years.
I learned to hold on some
Longer than I have ever held on to anyone
I learned there are others out there
Whom I can form very strong bonds with
In different ways
I also learned to let go
I had to
I didn't want to sit on that porch forever
Alone
I learned that too.
I learned to adapt
Which I had rarely ever done before
Never really had to
Because I didn't move much.
Change scared the hell out of me.
But I changed.
Quickly
Purposefully
Courageously
Then I adapted to it.
My whole world is different now
The trees are different here
The pets, you know I'm a dog girl.
Fish and cats are cool though too.
Another thing I learned.
I brought nothing but a few changes of clothes, 6 books, my bible, and my medicine.
I haven't missed "home" at all.
I have only missed one single soul

I'm in every song you never listened to
Every poem you never read
The only reason you don't know me
Is 'cause you popped a beer instead.
I'm in all those highlighted pages
In every tear you failed to see
I'm in every lonely hour spent
Because three shots preceeded me.
I talk with many long-passed ghosts
Because they listen better than you
So if you feel like you don't know me,
my dear,  I'd have to say that's true.