I lived in Resolve.
Such a quiet and beautiful place.
Bountiful air; restricted space.
An intusscepted portal.
Until a very peculiar slant of light,
With heavenly spin; point just right,
Pierced my singular soft spot
(through sheets held tight)
And made me mortal.

If anyone ever wanted to know me
All they would have to do is read my poetry.
My whole life, my entire being is in there.
My past, my present, my future....all there.
All the joy and loves I've known right there
Along with dreams that failed,
Opportunities lost, faith forgotten, faith renewed
Desires, secrets, ****** encounters
My sweet side, my dark sides
My fears and my inadequacies
Humor, habits, hope, and hang ups.
All there.
The things my heart breaks for
The things that couldn't break me.
Even the things I purposefully broke.
But so far no one has had the urge
To read all this nonsense
And I am okay with that.
Better to know myself than to be known.

Appropriate hello and thank you
With the offer of a shower
Not known for weeks.
Shakes so fine you could call them
Vibrations.
Brittle bone ******* on white skin
Near death he was.
Hungry, dope sick, and dying
Right in front of me.
And I watched that locked bathroom door
As one waits for another's last breath
Quiet, still, patient.
Until the water turned off
And then I retreated a bit
As if to offer some tiny bit of dignity
Shoving half a leftover cake into ziplocs
For his exit.
Reminding myself I'm such a hypocrite
To think I've got it all together
That he is somehow less than me.
Truth is we are all a ******* mess
All with our own unique addictions
Fighting over and over again
With personal demons
That we made ourselves and
Losing every time.

There are way too many of us
Expecting the knock to come one day
Praying that the phone won't ring
And take what's left of hope away

There are way too many of us
Hidden here sharing our shame
While living useless helpless days
From dawn to dusk ...the same.

There are way too many of us
But somehow still unseen
By others in their perfect worlds
Whose children are so clean

There are way too many of us
Who make our worlds so small
Because even friends don't understand
The pure horror of it all

There are way too many of us
Hearing that what we do isn't right
Tough love or enabling?
Whatever helps us sleep at night.

There are way too many of us
Just waiting for the sky to fall
Wishing today might be the day
That just puts an end to it all.

If I must die today my Lord
Please let me die with grace
Let me pass expressionless
With no ill upon my face.
And if I must die today my Lord
Please let me unencumbered be
Of any regret that has long since passed
As I traverse from me to thee
And if must die today my Lord
Please send the peace to those still here
That death was my greatest pardon
And with pardon comes no fear.
And if I must die today my Lord
Please do not let me writhe
And again return to me the dignity
With which I lived my life.
If I must die today my Lord
Please turn the mood to grey
And usher calm into this room
Lord, If I must die today.

All the nasty names they have
For you who I call friend.
Foul mouth from the "righteous" ones
Of which there is no end.
But it is because of you
My heart is able to break
For the ones with glassy eyes
And for the ones that shake
For every single soul that
Sought and yet could not find
A connection they so needed
A-**** those we call man"kind."
Too many just ignore you,
Therefore they can not see
Gods purpose in your sickness
Is to cure someone like me.
Ill from my own ignorance
Til I asked you for your name.
And then you shared your story
And I'll never be the same.
For those chains that you always wear
They have somehow set me free
God taught me what real love was
By revealing you to me.
So I call it a true blessing
Through God's mysterious way
That I can see the beauty of
The addicts for which I pray.

I read back a decade ago
Words that were written just for me
So beautiful and so pleading
To accept what was meant to be.
I relive the only era
I have ever known passion true
Embittered by the knowledge that
I lost it all when I lost you.
Delusional I guess I am
Believing to this very day
That a pad, a pen, and passport
Could take a decades pain away.
Taking daily mental pictures
Of things I have no way to share
Thinking you would want to see them
But you probably wouldn't care
"It's time to let him go" they say.
"You can't move on unless you do."
Ten years later and still alone.
Because my heart belongs to you.