He tells her it's over, he's leaving
he's done.
She wanted an explanation
but he didn't give her one.
So angry, shocked and confused
she sat there in that same spot
for hours, she couldn't move.
Finally she gets up to go lay in her bed
Surprising glad she was alone
She didn't feel like explaining what happened to anyone
Ignoring the constant rings from her phone
A short time later, a knock at the door
He changed his mind
He came back to tell her he wouldn't leave her anymore
But disappointment sets in
as her friends walk in
Even more tears now because it wasn't him
Her friends refused to see her upset they were taking her out
and not sit here and cry over this *******.
Renea you're alright you can do this
Just get yourself together
Life isn't always blue skies and sunshine
There's going to be stormy weather
Use your strength as a shield to keep away the pain
Just as an umbrella shields you from getting wet by the rain.
So, out they are
And of course at a bar
Soon she's regretting she even came
Until she heard the voice of an angel asking her name.
She turned to look and as she expected it wasn't who she wanted it to be
Just another strange guy at the bar that she didn't care to see.
But there was something different about him
Something genuine and sweet
She couldn't ignore him and be mean
My name is Renea.
Well hey Renea, my name is Chris.
So do you often come out to places like this?
Sometimes, but not often
I don't want to be here now but I got dumped today
So my friends brought me out
they said they were tired of seeing me frown.
“Well, you are here now
Let me buy you a drink .
No-don't give me that look it's not what you think.
I too,want to see you smile.
All I ask is to give me a chance with just one dance.”
Normally there wouldn't be a chance, a dance, not even a glance
But she couldn't walk away
She couldn't say no.
Could he make her smile?
No sure why but she needed to know
And wanted to find out before it was time to go.
She gave him one dance,
one dance after another
And for the rest of the night there was no one else there
Just the two of them dancing and smiling at each other.
The time had come the night was over.
As he walked her out SHE asked HIM if he wanted her number.
When she got home she laid by the phone
Hoping he would call and eventually he did and so it began
Everytime they'd meet
He swept her off her feet
His warm, long, tight hugs
His soft gentle touch
His meaningful, passionate kiss
She couldn't get enough
Though she'd never felt it before
She was certain she had fell in love.

Secrets...
I have many
Skeletons....
A closet full
I've lost count of my regrets...
Endless array of excuses too

Memories....
I suppress them
Fears....
I push them back
They can't hurt if I don't remember...
Keep it dark, fade to black

Healing....
That's a fantasy
Healthy mind....
A far off dream
I'll never just be "normal"
Happy wasn't meant for me

Acceptance...
Thought I'd achieved it
Forgiveness....
Thought I forgave
Thought I put it all behind me....
Memories coming now in waves

Bits and pieces....
Keep on flashing
Pictures....
Forming in my mind
Wish that door would stay locked tightly
I'm afraid of what I'll find

How....
To keep it locked away
Close.....
The door lock it tight
Put the monsters in the closet....
May they never see the light

Okay, I brace myself, "okay" being a sort of mantra either spoken alone or placed at the end of every sentence with the lift of a question mark. I do try and keep this okay thing to myself, packed in my head along with other stuff, okay?
And so I stumble, verbally if not silently, okay okay (okay?) as I count down the minutes (25) when I absolutely MUST leave the house even if this time it is By Choice, For Pleasure, whatever that is. I'll call it Not Torture.
I haven't practiced removing the grimace for such a long time I fear it's stuck there.
I scared a Boy Scout earlier in the day and I swear I did nothing at all scary. I bet there will be Boy Scouts out there. Maybe not at the bar but at the Target. I've never seen a Boy Scout at the Target but one time my friend saw a Mormon in the parking lot. He was racing headlong toward him and he panicked, my friend, so  he blurted out "You are the devil." The Mormon was pretty upset.
By now I have to assume there are Boy Scouts everywhere and naturally I am scared to death. I assure you I can develop a full blown phobia over a matter of hours and that's when I try not to think about it. Well, you try not thinking about Boy Scouts! Especially after you've resolved to NOT THINK ABOUT BOY SCOUTS. Aversion therapy doesn't work in case you were gonna suggest that.
Can I sue the Boy Scouts?
How many minutes do I still have left?
Is it still legal in West Virginia to walk behind someone saying over and over again in either of their ears YOUR GONNA DIE YOU'RE GONNA DIE? I'm pretty sure they legalized it within the borders of NYC (even Staten Island, which surprises me). This was due to a statute made during the whole explosion of Performance Art.
How many minutes do I have left?
Why don't I get a prize, twenty bucks or something, for fooling everyone and convincing them I'm okay?