I GET THE FUSS

i do
i totally do
i hear talk of 'do what you want but hurt no-one'
by hurt they mean harm, i'm sure
but what's the difference

that war
that vicious war
that thing that says 'war is an attack on our existence'
by existence they mean acceptance, for sure
but what's the difference

my place
my impenetrable place
my need to 'not implicate anyone'
by implicate they mean inconvenience, i'm sure
but what's the difference

there's a dark line
between hurt and inconvenience
isn't there
it just isn't there

there's a kind of calm that happens
before you say okay
a calmness that allows me
to carry on this way
and carry on i will
it's all want to do
i love the way you tolerate
the things i share with you

and therin lies a small reward
that fills me to the brim
to be a part of what you see
to go out on a limb
and carry you i will
it's all i'll ever do
i love the way you celebrate
the wings i share with you

i don't see what you don't mind
and i don't mind what you don't see
they might seem incompatible

for me, i saw you speak your mind
but i don't mind, i get it
and i'm not about to forget it
i can't, it's unforgettable
sometimes it feels regrettable
completely unimaginable
it might not seem compatible
but it is

the sweet sunshine
brings warmth even to the deepest dark

your smile
brings warmth even to the coldest heart

so smile like the sun
and keep on shining

it always has a seed.

we dream, we love, we write, we wake
we scream, we crave, we spite, we take
we look, we hold, we think, we knew

we shook, we gave, we thought of you
we gave, we thought you wouldn't mind
we thought it wouldn't be unkind

we try to find some honesty
we try to fein alacrity
we try to give it what it needs
we try to sow some different seeds

but your specific feather
needs a certain kind of weather
and i want to be the tether
that clings to you forever
and glides throughout your zephyr
reflects off all your leather

or a spy within a castle
with everything to hide
or a creepy little rascal
who found his way inside
or a droid up on a planet
with a tendency to slide
or how about a snake
that sneaks in from the side

and then gigantic monoliths
that seep out of the ground
an orchestra that's tuned to fifths
and makes an epic sound

a legacy that's shorter
contained in bricks and mortar
brings nothing but disorder

and this is why i read.

seas of sometimes amidst winds of want
which would you choose?
years of yearning surround cans that can't
and scripted praise meets cryptic prose
like measured fame meets metered foam
safe, as safe is, as safe does
takes that quiet into its loneliness
and waits

the face of fiction shakes more from most
what did you choose?
flirting fantasies can damage dreams
where beaten fruit finds sweetened juice
and sudden breath finds sunken dirt
wish, as wish wants, as wish wants to be
loves that surprise so unconditionally
and waits

and we wait

it didn't have to be this way
i never should have let her
i never should have drawn that line
i'll never let it sever
i'll never let it obfuscate
the square beneath the sand
the angle that's between us
the risk of sounding bland
what's between us is right
it's like dividing a pie
into four

it's not real, it's not even close
it doesn't even get to the start
it's not loose
nor elusive
it just doesn't want to be apart
from this
this addictive remiss
it doesn't want to be a part of it
yet it should
be apart, so it should
remind us of what we would miss
just by saying no, just once
let it go beneath the shade
if it wants to serenade
let it, if it wants
if it wants to be free, let it soar
if it wants to be alone, let it
let it be whatever it wants to be
let it see what you saw
and never want to see it again
we entice, and ignore
and sit back while it takes shape
hope, fate, whatever you want
you know what you want but i can't

wanna play chess?
okay, who goes first?
that's apparently racist.
and we see this every day.

today is the day that we celebrate freedom
yet i feel like a prisoner within my own home
another surprise to hide in the museum

in my mind, in my might, in all of my kingdom
which i hope that one day will let go of it's own
today is the day that we celebrate freedom

i struggle to capture your intimate wisdom
i couldn't hear a thing that you said on the phone
another surprise to hide in the museum

i'm sorry that you've been reduced to this boredom
a ruse that reminds you you're always alone
today is the day that we celebrate freedom

i don't think it worked out quite like i had planned, um..
couldn't pretend that i'd hide what i'd shown
another surprise to hide in the museum

so what have i learned through all this confusion
my psychic ability to hear this has grown
today is the day that we celebrate freedom
another surprise to hide in the museum

i love everyone
every single one
and everything
every little thing

thank seminal thought
because i never thought
that anyone's special
everyone's special

trust is subtractive by nature
its purpose as random as nature
but i'm only willing to trade
what you might be willing to trade


so i trust what know
and i love what i don't
i use it as currency
in case of emergency

it can buy me your time
bit of yours, bit of mine
i love what i trust
and i know what i don't


at the end of it all it's human nature to seek comfort, and sometimes that happens at the expense of others, whether it's intentional or not.

but when it happens to me it turns the other way round, and i hate what i know, and i fear what i don't, and run devils in the dirt just to make it feel better, to make it make sense or even emulate better; get out of the way, let you have your own way, let you throw it away, hope you find your own way, or just flush it away, i don't care anyway, just in case you forgot.

the things that i hate don't exist
though memory says they existed.
the fear that i try not to feel
destroys me whenever i feel it.
i value the trust that i've earned
precisely because i have earned it.
the love i hold on to has worth
precisely because it is worth it.

i'm not the same
as i was fourteen years ago
then i bought that house

i'm not the same
as i was nine years ago
then i had a kid

i'm not the same
as i was five years ago
then i got that job

i'm not the same
as i was two minutes ago
then read that thing

when it gets to the middle the book will flip over
as it does when you read it from cover to cover
the magnificent light that got drawn up inside
goes and shines its way out from the opposite side

i really don't know what it is i need to unsay.

i really hope it doesn't hurt our lives in any way.

i really wish that freedom was equally applied.

i really want to change the past
and redirect the future
and not be blamed
or pushed into a corner
or made to feel
like i'm a waste of time
or that i fit some crime

i really want to know the difference between allowed and okay.

i really wish that everything else would go away.

god knows i've tried.

chaos
is always there
because it's looking for a reason
to become known.

calm
is always there
because it escaped the chaos
and now it's known.

guilt
is always there
because it makes you assume things
when you should have known.

love
is always there
because it takes the things we feel
and makes them known.

comfort is a state of mind
the rest of it we'll leave behind.

advertising
likes to punch you in the face
so you hear it
loud and clear

when you left
after you punched me in the face
made me fear it
clear and present

social media
tends to punch you in the face
when you let it
presently clear

i don't regret a thing
i stand by what i said, i miss you
no matter what you bring try not to punch me in the head

it's not allowed, out loud

you know you've made it
when you're good enough at showing off
how good you are at listening
and how well you know the song
and show them all how to lead

that's an intractable skill, i mean
finding one between the other
and getting the dance right
between the two

you know you've made it
when you can't tell one from the other
when it flows through you
how well you know the song
and show them all how to bleed

that's an amazing achievement, i mean
putting one before the other
getting the balance right
between the two

you know you've made it
when both sides make sense to you alone
when it glides through you
how much you know you're wrong
an achievement indeed

not choosing sides
but living the moment
we should sometimes try
and achieve
know not the consequence
nor the challenges
just close your eyes
and believe

what is your vice
what is your virtue
and what is your wand

or

what ****** you off
what do you want
and how can you fix it

for me it's the other way round, you see
my vice is i want to be heard
my virtue constructive debate
my wand just ran out of batteries

nothing is absolute, because

i can drive as far as i can
and know i've seen the continent

i can think as far as i can
and know i've reached my imagination

i can study as far as i can
and know i've attained a professorship

i can listen as far as i can
and know i've heard it all

i can give as much as i can
and know it's never enough

i can drift as much as i can
and know i'm still ******* lost

nothing is absolute, except *****
because at least with *****, i'll always be relatively ******.

a message from the past
as azure and astute
as it was back then

it's always been there
as benign and berated
as it was back then

you asked me, so i kept it safe
as amazing and astounding
as it was back then

and it's always been there
as begun and begotten
as it ever was back then

it's a symbol of what everything means to me now
a sneaky, subliminal confirmation of how
you trusted me right from the very beginning
that didn't decide what i thought i'd be bringing
it's something that's closer than ever before
and it's hidden behind an impossible door
so i've worn this thing around my neck
each and every night that i've gone to bed
since i made that re-acquaintance
as if i ever had the patience
or all the gratitude in the world

dreams are things you make up when you sleep
some of them cool
some of them terrible
some of them memorable
some of them horrible
some of them drool

but there is a small certainty
that they're everything you
and exist as a probablility
that you need to pursue
as unlikely as it seems
from the ash to the dust
what we learn from our dreams
we should trust

assume if you must
people are not always right
so assume with care

identity
we all have it
i am me and you are it
what it is that i know is for you to find out
if i work really hard and get good at it it'll earn me a living
but if everyone knew what everyone else knows
there'd be nothing to sell
and nothing to buy
nothing to share
and nothing to hide
nothing to tell
and nothing to write
nothing to fear
and nothing to hate
nothing to look forward to
and nothing to be proud of

but if i manage to keep that ace up my sleeve
that influences time or even technology
that makes the unbendable sceptics believe
that notable pattern in astrology

what i see is mine because i saw it first
and i saw it explode with a perfunctory burst
it might make no sense whatsoever
but that isn't going to last forever

because if you knew what i knew i wouldn't be me
or have we forgotten what it means to be free
or have we given in to our own charity
or would we oblige to that old blasphemy
that says even sinners deserve sanctuary
or is altruism a strange alchemy
or a studious drive to epistemology
or a political divide over ideology
that critically questions theology

we need to keep secrets because that's who we are
but we also need to be fair

if i squint hard enough
i can just see the line
that exists in between
your opinion and mine.

had i let it connect
or just wished it away
i wouldn't have said
what i wanted to say.

when two worlds collide
in a flash of regret
it's best to take heed
it's best to forget.

i am not a microphone
i'm not an amplifier
the things you see around me
aren't because of who i am

stuck inside the present dome
i'm not the pacifier
but what i see around me
still ends up on instagram

that suggests it might have been
concealed beneath the bigotry
of someone who presents a scene
who wrestles objecivity
but what if i was wrong
what if i was late
what if i had heard a song
too visceral to relate

then, yes

i am not a journalist
i'm also not a liar
with everything around me
do i really give a ****

so what, indeed, is all the fuss
i represent the rest of us

imagine a world where you can do what you want
imagine a world where you could truly be free
imagine what you'd do with your spare time
imagine what you could create
or harvest

now
imagine if that happened at everyone else's expense
imagine if you could take what's not yours
imagine the legacy you'd leave behind
imagine how many you'd trample
or harvest

i'd be scared, or ashamed, whichever comes first
this is south africa
i live here
please stop ******* it up

i would hate to live in the fear
of those things
you hate when they're near

in my life i don't ever want to hate
any of those things
but i think it's too late

growing up, getting old
yeah those things
no matter what we're told

living with the hate of this fear
it's those things
that aren't what they're supposed to be

i fear the hate
i hate the fear
i communicate
and they're gone

all possibilities happen at once
all at the same time
it's what we choose that's relevant

all opportunities happen at once
all at the same time
it's what we use that's relevant

all communication happens at once
all at the same time
it's what we hear that's relevant

but in that moment
when you find a forest
with a sunrise in it
that happens for you and you alone
that will happen only once
it gets me every time
and will always be relevant

it's not about how you look
or the clothes you choose to wear
or the way you make your face up

it's not about your heart
or how you choose to feel
or the way you let it get to you

it's not about what you said
or the fact that it was hurtful
or the circumstances that led to it

it's the fact that we can't communicate
that takes away all the beauty in you
a two-way dialog that says: hey wait
i really wanna get to know you
it's across this space that i postulate
how different life would be without you
the thing that harbors all this hate
is exactly how i'll remember you

and is it worth it? i don't know
there's still way too much of it on show

that tiny little crack in time
that you think you've been searching for
has already been
or is waiting to happen
or...
you could take the now
that you already have
and bash it as hard as you possibly can
until it cracks

i've done nothing wrong
but i'm willing to concede
that i got it right

dark
miserable
forgettable
unimaginable
it's obviously
the best that you got out of me
because that's all i can see

but i won't forget it
because you were a part of it
every single bit
imaginable
unforgettable
miserable
and dark

thank you for your time
your patience and your crime
thanks for what you said
we'll never be dead

i'll keep you alive in the palm of my hand
so you can explain it to me when i don't understand

and suddenly we pause, relax
not so much to leave the tracks
to stop and catch a breath of air
there's plenty of it everywhere
it gets abused, but that's okay
it's said all that it needs to say.

silence has another verse
the seriousness is just as terse
it means so many things, you see
draws a line between you and me
takes the things that make you proud
and makes you say them out aloud.

i heard you, yes i feel the same
a tired, fractured, pointless game
the same we tried to play before
that left me wanting so much more
it took some time to manifest
appreciation at it's best.

thank you for the time we shared
thank you for the times you dared
to let me hang along with you
for giving life a different view
understanding how it goes
is a quality in you that shows.

a soul that's
lived a life that's fed up
always ends up
in a landfill
full of souls

it's the hardest thing i've ever had to learn how to do
care more about where i'm at than i do about you
goes against my ethos, my ethics, my soul, godammit
i never thought it would go this far
but it has
and you're in it
if we could begin it again it
wouldn't be the same, would it

because where we are now
is not what we were
what i don't know
is how we let it happen in the first place

i feel
i feel drained, should i
i feel empty, tired and used

i'm real
i'm really fed up, should i
i'm really not very good at this

i think
i think you love me, should i
i think you're the hole in the sink

and as much as i keep filling it up
you just keep on pulling the plug
let it get to the brim, please

you say i spend my time living it up
but i think there's more under the rug
let's get to the rub, please

let me find my own way
and i can help you with yours

because nature has a funny way of helping those who help themselves, in and of itself, myself

and i think that nature has a means to an identity, the wealth, the stealth, the self

i need to be me before i can ever be a part of you.

what you have to say
no, what you have to say
let's see what happens

what you want
no, what you want
i told you

what you need
no, what you need
you need money

what you learn
no, what you learn
you know

because i told you
you need money
but i can't know what you want
because you won't tell me
so i can't help you
you need love
but you don't want what i know
i could help you
but you don't want that
so let's see what happens

we don't enjoy what we do
and don't do what we enjoy
that **** only matters
when it's free

we don't need what we want
and don't want what we need
that **** always happens
to me

a clock without a maker
is improbable at best

so many moving parts
precision engineered
there's a chorus of hearts
that noise that i feared
the moment it starts

so at your sudden behest
i will hasten to wake her

i think
no, i don't wanna think
i feel
a bit disappointed
it's real
no, but it's not my fault
i think

are you okay?

yeah, i suppose
i'm in a bit of a state of wth
a state of honest introspection
i'm trying to gather together all of the ends
i need to mend

but actually
i'm in a bit of a state of ***
where did i lose that perfection
i'm trying to convince all of my friends
to what end, i wonder

i wonder where i would've been had i just let it go
i wonder how my secrets are starting to show now
i wonder how so many of you know

i wonder what would've happened had i just stepped up
i wonder what it's like to get out of the snow now
i wonder if i should probably give up

and into that dream
like a breeze, it breathes
immaculate

whether it's kruder & dorfmeister
or under the shower
it means the same to me

plain or indifferent
lost and belligerent
it was always meant to be

the wall, the fall, the east, the west
we're better than the rest
south on fourty-second
fourty seconds less
must be madness, she reckons
randomness at best

but, oh! bless you
i thought you sneezed
you did, didn't you
didn't you

it's happened already, we know this, for sure
but nothing solidifies it more concretely
as when i hear you say it to your friends

it happened a year ago, completely, for sure
because when we both started acting discretely
i had already seen two different ends

one in which the path would straighten
and we'd grow the same way, as before
one in which we end up so far apart
that it wouldn't
matter
it might even have healed by now
but i didn't anticipate the third
or the fourth
or the fifth
nor the sixth
the seventh, eleventh
the eighth, the hate
the ninth, not mine
not even yours, surely

because i really care for you, and i don't want you to die
i just want us to be honest about what's left of you and i

'why's it so secret?'
i asked
just moments before
she didn't tell me

i just can't say it

i know you're right
you know it hurts
i don't want to lock you up
in the same prison i'm in

but then again

you know i'm right
i know it hurts
you didn't want to lock me up
in this thing that i'm in

so i won't talk
if you don't talk
and we'll pretend it never happened

and i'll wake up
and you'll wake up
and do it all over again

i shouldn't play
this game you play
it always ends up just the same

but you have that trust
and i love that trust
for that i'll take the blame

because you are
what you are
and it's all the same

the troubling thing about the existence of god
is that there's no direct proof
but there's definitely something that keeps us alive
or more precisely motivated

when i look back at the interesting life that i've trod
and feel damaged and aloof
i want to believe that i managed to survive
but it's so much more complicated


beauty in complexity
is all there needs to be
distracted by futility
i'll never get to see
trapped in the complicity
of me

you're not alone
even though you pretended
open your mind
in case you forget it

but i'm alone
so don't you forget it
what did i find
it wasn't intended

you used to be the best in me
but i had no idea
you loved me, you sheltered me
so i hear

like a withered leaf
on an old and dying tree
you left me no choice

the earth and the trees
and the visceral breeze
the distance it takes to its end
five nights with freddy
and everything's ready
to start what it needs to amend.

and then there's a spark
the black and the dark
a distorted reality field
if i could choose either
i'd probably want neither
i'd wait for whatever's revealed.

so when there's no choice
when i've run out of voice
it doesn't mean time has an end
i wish that i'd practiced
those things that i missed
and i'll willingly let them amend.

and when we connect
it'll never be perfect
and that's why i went my own way
and now that i miss you
please know that i miss you
and that's all that i wanted to say.

one day when you're a space engineer
come look me up and i'll buy you a beer.

nothing
is what it is
so please stop asking

something
is what it should be
and not this dark thing

everything
is what i want
so i'll keep on shining

fascinating
to see it glow
to see it glimmering

emancipating
it starts out small
but ends up blinding

anticipating
because i never know
when the cracks start to show
and i shout and i swear
and i don't even care
and i try not to dare
and i battle and stare
we're an excellent pair
we've got so much to share
but it's way out there
and it's wrong to compare
that just wouldn't be fair
there's no reason to go
because you never know
what might be waiting

timing
is what it is
it's everything

it's not lonely
it's death
because nobody knows

it's not only
my breath
because i need it

it's not next week, or last month or whatever you said
omega to aleph
sleep til next week
i don't mind
i don't care
i do what i want
and say what i should

one last crony
is left
and now we know
now we know

it must be a combination
of what you expect
and what i provide
that makes everyone take it so seriously

it could be retaliation
a solid precept
that makes us divide
and we all mistake that so mysteriously

it hurts to be found in the one place i know
all battered and bruised but still part of the show
it hurts to admit i was found in the dust
amidst all of the things that you said i would trust
it hurts to remind myself why
i became so insatiably shy
the depth that i saw in your eyes
the colour i saw in those skies
an unrequited lullaby
an unintended alibi
it hurts me to tell you but know that i must
forever conceal what lies under this crust
no matter how badly i want it to glow
no matter how well it can flirt from below

it might be the fascination
that makes me reflect
on how much we hide
and poison the fray inconspicuously
i shouldn't have acted so viciously

it's my cruel imagination
i dared to inspect
i'll keep it inside
and i'll practice until it speaks consciously
i shouldn't have acted so viciously

frustration is something that happens only to me
i shouldn't have acted so viciously
that scar is the half that i don't want to be
i shouldn't have acted so viciously
it's just a small notch above what you can see
i shouldn't have acted
another attempted analogy
i shouldn't
and i'm sorry
*i shh