i overheard someone describe me today
an ugly word
a guilty word
****
they think they can define me by a couple bad nights
with this word
this *****, disgusting word
****
i thought i could trust
thought word wouldn't spread
until the word on everyone's lips was
****
people who i thought cared
who know me better than this
to realize i'm not just some
****
what i don't understand is
why everyone has the time to talk
about what ***** have been between my legs
yet they don't have time to learn
the thoughts between my ears
or the hurt between my ribs

romance is giving me the last bite of your sandwich even though it's the best part with the cheese running down the sides
romance is holding the door for me when your arms are full of books and papers
romance is playing with my ***** hair when i haven't showered in days because you know i love it
romance is patiently holding water to my lips when i'm too drunk to keep my hand steady
romance is giving me your last cigarette when i've had a long day, even though i know you won't be able to scrape together change for a new pack
romance is asking me to marry you with a key ring because that's all we have the money for because we're young and crazy
romance is sitting in the back of the car laughing at nothing because our eyes get so squinty when we're ******
romance is leaving what you're doing to come pick me up when i called you crying for no reason
romance is holding my hand and my head and my heart in silence when i can't find the words to express the chaos inside my own mind
romance is listening to me ramble about the same old ****, and caring just as much as when i told you the first time
romance is the way you smile when i'm sad, the way you cradle my head in your neck, the way you kiss me on the nose, the way you text me good morning and goodnight every day, the way you tell me you love me and mean it
romance is you, and me, together

he told me, he likes 'alternative' girls
i'm pretty sure he meant it as a compliment,
but it was not received that way.
don't get me wrong
there's nothing wrong with pursuing an 'alternative' lifestyle
or an 'alternative' style
or an 'alternative' taste in ******* men
but there's something wrong with being called an 'alternative' girl
i'm not sure when i transitioned from a person to a preference
or when my body became a fetish rather than a human form
like there is some stigma attached to the piercings in my ears
or the tattoos on my body
that means i must be a freak in bed
or that i must be totally down with casual ***
and not being called the next day
as if i didn't show you secret parts of me, and i don't mean my body
and being ignored when you see me in public
as if you never called me beautiful, and i almost believed it
and now you're sitting with your 'mainstream' girl
who is more approved by the onlookers to your average life.
despite how you may perceive who i am,
i will never be your alternative girl.

A boy once gave me a flower
A daisy, freshly plucked
Fragile petals still intact
With the touch of shining silk

The flower gleamed with innocence
A genuine vision of peace
In the sun, it came to brilliant life
But in the dark, it shied in silent grief

Such a flower is precious
An intangible golden triumph
One to be treasured and celebrated
For it will thrive in careful hands

I buried the flower.

Like a foolish child
Plucked the petals
Given to the wind
In an act of ignorant haste

last night i gave in
i told myself i wouldn't be in this place again,
but then there i was
one cold hearted message from you
and i was back
sitting in the bathroom, dull scissors in hand
letting the blood and the tears run together.
now my arm is marked
with all the pain that was previously unseen.
i can't deny my heartache anymore
as everyone sees it spelled across my skin.
i just wish this all would end.

why can't i write about happy things?
i want to tell of love,
of breathless nights, and twinkling stars
of soft grass and beautiful sunlight
but the words will not come
the phrases don't string themselves together
all that i can tell of is the hurt
of the days of being lost and forgotten
of the loneliness that overwhelms me
i know this world is beautiful
but it won't reveal itself to me anymore

i don't think you really understand
when i say that i need you.
when i say that i need you, i mean that i need you like a mechanic needs WD-40. how am i supposed to fix anything without you to smooth the rusty corners of my crooked work?
when i say that i need you, i mean that i need you like a plant needs the sun for photosynthesis. and even though a plant will bloom in artificial light, i need the authentic rays of your genuine beams
when i say that i need you, i mean that i need you like an artist needs paint. i'm here trying to create something beautiful but can't find anything beautiful within myself to build with
when i say that i need you, i mean that i need you like i need to listen to the same sad song on repeat, over and over, until every bone in my body is sore with the pain of the risk i'm taking by loving you

i love roller coasters
but i'm starting to get sick

This isn't right without you

i shouldn't see the stars without you
the ocean is too far without you
i shouldn't feel the grass without you
even cars shouldn't pass without you
i shouldn't feel the breeze without you
leaves shouldn't shake from trees without you
i shouldn't see people smile without you
the weight begins to pile without you

with you stars shine bright, showing the expanse of the skies
with you the ocean is right next door, opening it's arms to me
with you the grass is warm and soft, tickling beneath my feet
with you cars fly by, showing promise of a road less traveled
with you the breeze is inviting, a brief essence of fresh life
with you the leaves fall gently, accepting their time of departure
with you smiles grace faces, making their owners appear blissful
with you the weight is pulling, one way and then the other






with you i cannot breathe
fighting the ocean of strife alone
with you i have your hand
but my fingers are always slipping
with you i cannot win
torn between two worlds that will not merge
with you my head is bowed
scared to look up and see the truth
with you there is love
but a love so heavy i'm not sure i can carry it

This isn't right with you

she thinks i should take pills
swallow these capsules
meant to fill my 'chemical imbalance'

i hate taking pills
giving up the control
proving i can't fix myself

keep your **** pills
i can break through this
the mind can be overpowered

......right?

i fear the chase
you a desperate hunter, i the desired treasure
your words enticing, luring me in
a sweet treat, tempting me towards the trap
i will run
i will not give in to this race
i have seen the end
i have known the heartbreak
i have felt your heavy hands upon my shoulder
i grow weary, yet this time i press on
this time i will not turn back

at least not now

i can't help but wonder
if you kissed her the way you kiss me

maybe one more cigarette will do the trick
maybe the smoke will fill my mind until there's no room left for these thoughts that i can't bury inside any longer. maybe it will choke out the memories of loves past and loves released. maybe it will **** the weary cells within me.
maybe one less meal will fix my mind
maybe depriving my body of the proper nutrients will **** out the hatred from my bones. maybe an empty stomach will provide an empty mind. maybe i will be so focused on my hunger that i won't be able to focus on regrets.
maybe another drink will solve things
maybe i won't remember any of this tomorrow, and i will awake with a fresh mind and a fresh start to this life that i've so gloriously ******. maybe if i could just forget for a moment, if i could just let go for a few moments, it will all pass away and the stars will shine again.
maybe a little more pain will make it leave
maybe by tracing this razor across my skin, the demons will flow out with the blood, ceremoniously intertwined together. maybe if i can just feel something, anything, i will remember that i'm still alive.
maybe one more kiss will take me away
maybe if we could just press our lips together, the pain and the guilt and the doubt will fade away into the bliss that is our love. maybe if you would just put your skin on mine, and i could feel your heartbeat, and your blood, and your life, then i will know that there is a reason i'm alive. maybe if you trace your fingers down my spine, i will know that there is a reason i'm here. maybe i will finally realize that i'm worth it, despite the evil inside trying to choke out any hope of my freedom. maybe if you could just hold me one more time, i will feel safe in my own skin again. and i will take back my body like a victor. and i will own my skin, and my hair, and my bones and my lungs and my heart, and remember them as the gift that they are. maybe i will win.
maybe

Headaches, again
Time for another desperate attempt to suppress the need
Block out the noise, drink more water
You are full.

Itching, under my skin
One piece won’t hurt, right?
One leads to many, drink more water
You are content

Jitters, distracted
The sweet aromas surround me, as if they can satisfy
Then I hear the soft grumble, drink more water
You are determined

Smoke, filling my mind
Replacing all that’s been lost in this fight
Another cigarette, drink more *****
You are forgetting

Concentrate, use your tongue
Pleasing him has become more important than bread
A little longer, drink more water
You are empty

Bliss, almost free
I feel like a kite that’s been let loose on a windy day
Eat everything in sight, drink a coke!
You are guilty

Shameful, but act happy
Holding his hand, no thanks, I ate already
Change the topic, drink more water
You are hiding

Pressure, stubborn
He knows my lies, pushing some carrots my way
Chew nervously, drink more water
You are weary

Laughing, releasing
No dessert in this world could compare to how he makes me feel
Bring me closer, drink me in
I am full.

he kissed me like you do
an unknown face
accompanied by a familiar touch
he adored me like you do
as if my body
was a place he'd love to travel
he wants me like you do
my beauty desired
like a prized work of art
he stares at me like you do
searching my eyes
for something missing in him
but i turn away
he doesn't know me like you do
he doesn't care like you do
he doesn't need me like you do
he'll never love me like you do

the thoughts only flow with the liquor
my mind is only clear when it's clouded
free expression comes with a dose of self medication
releasing my inhibitions on the world
if only in the form of a sloppy poem

here am i,
again
this place of quiet desperation
of lonely nights
of harsh realities
the likes of which i am unable to cope

and then there's you
the innocence of your eyes
the clever curve of your lips
the strong hold of your arms
with our fingers intertwined, the fear fades
when you hold me, the world seems small
and we kiss, and life is beautiful again

and it's here
in your arms
i feel whole again

i hope this is a joke
that you don't really feel this way
like i threw away something great
for no reason other than selfish pride

i hope this is a prank
that you don't really think that i
never loved you and never cared
about you, who held my heart for so long

i hope you get a good laugh
that you are trying to poke fun at me
while hiding your own tears
because i know you can't believe your own lies

my mind is always running
in circles
around itself.
but today, i found peace
in the ring
of your laughter.

what kind of a boy
would love a girl
who does that
to herself

i'm hurting too.
don't you see it?
your face is blurred by my tears,
maybe that's why i haven't seen things clearly.

my heart's broken too.
can't you feel it?
a faint humming keeps me alive,
rather than the beating of a healthy love.

i'm desperate too.
do you hear it?
i strive for the sound of your voice,
but your words feel distant now.

i'm sorry too.

someday

i want to fall

unspeakably

in love

with you.