Love is when you put someone else's needs before yours.
The misguided love that everyone ever so "needs" to follow.
Nearly one's whole heart in just a single swallow.
The idea of constant gifts and receipts.
Merely leads to greed and deceit.
Love is priceless, who are you at cost?
One's heart has so much value, I mean who would have thought.
It isn't what it always appears to be, love can be hidden is not always what it seems.
Shouldn't it be enternal? Not based on material items.
Based on what you feel as one. Not just some item.
Cloaked as chocolates and precious jewels.
This is what we call love for the fools.

Bottled up emotion.
Beating of word.
Belittled woman.
Breaking her.

Rage rattling. Ripping  heart.  Renounced love. Rigid decisions.

Observations  of a oblivious man.  Obvious he won't.

Keen girl.
Kindling suspicion killing her.
Knowing he would.

Neutral balance.
Natures nourishes.
"Broken" girl
New life shall flourish.

I was a prison to you.
My love wasn't enough to break the cold in your heart.

I was a prison to you.
I wanted affection and I was thrown in a cell.

Cold and broken down.

My love for you was profound.

But I was just a prison to you.

Your eyes became dark when I would ask for a confession of your crimes.

You lied.

I was your prison.

Holding you back from everyone else you wanted.

I was your prison.
I sat in place while another looked up at your face.

Your prison which you left untouched.
My emotions began to turn to dust.

"You monitor me"

You chained up my mind.
But I was your prison and your infidelity wasn't hard to find.

I was your prison.
Because I wanted commitment.

I am my sanctuary.
Too bad it took me awhile to see
instead of being your prison
I was your prisoner

Now I am free.

You look into my eyes.
I feel as though you gaze upon my soul.
Hair aside.
Touching lips.
The slightest touch, what lies ahead is untold.
Slow breath.
Hand and hand. Placed upon chest.
Heart beating.
Everything at rest.
Sudden seconds, feeling like eternity.
Flesh to flesh.
Heavy breath.
Arms caress.
Endless.
From bite marks placed on the  cheek to the attempt of tickling of the feet.
Untold.
Tiny giggles, trying to hold back.
In balance, everything I lack.

My head hurts.
My heart hurts.
I am an utter mess.
Must I confess to you the silent thoughts that loom throughout my head?
The silent thoughts of how I wish I was dead.
But instead.
I bottle it all inside.
For one guy.
I try.
The hardest decision when you want to die.
Hiding everything inside.
Constant lies of "I'm okay"
Must I confess how I am unable to eat without feeling nauseous.
Trying, yet, knowing.
It'll make you sick anyway.
Deprivation of sleep.
Feeling completely empty.
Can nothingness even die?
Nothing is what I feel inside.
My silent thoughts are beginning to leak.
Then he speaks and at that moment the silence is beat.
My heart is content.
The pounding in my head is absent.
Absence..

You may think you love her.
Flawless skin.. big blue eyes..
But what you fail to realize she is nothing but lies.
The tainted porcelain stature that appears to have all beauty captured.
Deep within that porcelain you will find, the hateful engravings of mankind.
The decrepit heart that beats for sorrow.
Will she still your heart today or tomorrow?
A fragment of what you want not what you need.
The depiction of love hidden behind society.
Focus on the girl who isn't hidden behind all the lies.
Who isn't judgemental.
Talking to all the guys.
You think you may love her but what you fail to realize.
You are just one of many.
Of her webbed lies.

You ask me what I'm doing.
I reply "nothing", as I lay ******* smoking away my pain.
He makes me feel this way.
Insecure and unsure.
Fantasizing lips among breast.
Pressure upon chests.
Drowning out the pain leaving me soaking wet.    
Distant strangers.
Fantasy of someone that's not mine.
Constant aching all the time.
No attachment just attraction.
Smoking away your name.

I can feel my heart beating through my throat.
And when you chocked me it was the closest you've been to my heart in years.

Even though your words and actions tore me apart.
Parts of my heart cling to you longing for another start.
The thought of not speaking to you kills inside, yet, whenever we do speak you're always full of pride.
I'm beginning to lose my patience with you my dear old love.
How is it that you managed to make me the happiest and the saddest, but now all that's left are traces of internal damage.
Yet, I still love you.
I love the way you hurt me.
I love the memories we had.
I miss trusting you.
Why can't we go back to the way things were?
I'll never be her and I know that now.
Even so I still love you..
But..
I'm moving on now.

I'm sorry that I took my life the night we had our last fight.
I'm sorry nothing I said ever came out right.
I'm sorry you still love me among others.
Please stop wasting your tears on me.
It's making me regret my decision.
I can't take this one back.
I'm not worth your tears.
I'm sorry if you thought I was selfish, but this was the only way to save myself.
From myself.
The path I was leading down.
Would've been the path to hell.
But you see killing myself has its benefits.
My soul is now gone.
What's left of a heart is protected.
I'm sorry I took my life because its hurting you.
But
I'm not sorry because I meant it.

My muse where have you gone?
Unable to talk to you for so long.
I am lost, you are no where to be found.
The weight on my shoulders feels heavy now.
This life I'm stuck in..
I feel gagged and bound.
My muse where have you been?
I reach out in deep sorrow..
Lost and confused
I need you
My muse

You beat me to a ****** pulp with the words you spew at me.

Standing up straight putting on my battle face.
I continue to walk down the line.

Each turn and zig zag that I encounter another wound.
Until I'm in an open space standing in front of you.

You look at me intensely then lean in for a kiss.

I froze still in shock as you slowly slit my wrist.

I tense up, blood profusely dripping from  my  fists.
I look into your eyes as you word "I love you" or was it I never loved you?

I cannot tell...

My vision has become blurry.
Seems like you've disappeared as well.

I need to get up.

I need to get on my feet.

The only one that can save me is me...

History just continues to repeat.

Your smell still lingers from the last time you kissed my lips.
Including the one between my hips.
Beads of our sweat still stain my shirt.
All of the memories continue to hurt.
I push you away.. I allow you to stay.
Why am I feeling this way?
Emotions racing throughout my body.
Wanting you by my side..
If only you hadn't of lied.
I feel so empty.
Our "relationship" was always unhealthy.
I lost myself trying to hold on to you.
I'm lost....
You still don't have a clue.

A collision of continuous spark.
Setting the fire in her eyes.
Heat coursing threw her veins.
Just from hearing his name.
She fell for him.
He held a mask.
Portrayal at it's finest.
The fire she once possessed was overcome by his cold touch.
And for the first time she saw the black in his eyes.
The void is what she became.
Her soul filled with emptiness just from the mentioning of *His name.

I know I'm not her.
Not the talented girl.
The one who peaks your highest interest then kicks you to the curb.
I know I'm not perfect.
I know I'm not her.
But I still have feelings.
That don't just occasionally occur.
I love to sing
Only when I'm alone.
When I sing anywhere can feel like home.
I love to paint pictures of raw emotion.
Nature has feelings too.
I draw and I write
When I'm upset it eases my pain.
Opening up to someone who hurt me has left me in shame.
I love deep conversation especially under the moon.
I love how at place everything felt when I started to fall in love with you.
But I know I'm no one special.
I know I'm not the best.
Every feeling I have comes straight from my chest.
I know I'm not perfect.
But could I be enough?
Enough for you to love.

I loved the way he bit my skin.
The way he choked me.
Had me pinned.
I loved every mark left by his hand.
Until those marks because bruises and the chokes became cries.
All because I call him out on his lies.
Still denies.
I'm dying inside.
I loved the way he called me stupid until his eyes said more.
The way no one could see what happened behind closed doors.
I loved the way he filled me.
Until everything began to flood.
All of the lies were too much.
He lacked emotion in his touch.
I loved the way he kissed my lips until the day the lips weren't his.

I wait for your reply.
Any minute now..
The feeling of addiction starring into a distance as if hours go by.
Biting skin off my lip.
It's time for my high.
Any minute now..
Any minute.
I think to myself then I get lit.
Inhale and exhale.
The cold feeling on my lips.
Maybe if I take off my belt.
Time to take a quick stick.
I lay back feeling numb.
Eyes rolling back.
I wanna go for a run.
Opening my window I long to spread my wings.
Woah, the breeze pushing back I'm feeling dizzy.
You reply, at last.
My heart, beating fast.
I can't breathe feeling so alive.
You.
The reason I love to get high.

They tell you that you are beautiful, for a day.
Would they still think you were beautiful if they knew you wished your life away.
Waking up everyday doubting yourself.
"I hate myself.."
"But you have so much worth"
If only you knew..
The constant struggle of being insecure.
The struggle of being a girl..
Lower classmen
"EQUALS"
**** and abuse.
All of that means nothing to you.
Wake up in my flesh and see if you can last the day.
Walking astray the men watch you..
Stalk you like prey.
But everything is supposed to be okay?
"You are beautiful. You have worth"
Clearly beautiful with a ripped shirt covered in dirt.
Brush it off.
Wipe a smile on your face.
Trying to please the standard.
Learning one's place.
Get over yourself.
You simply don't understand.
Constantly being hurt.
Insecurity driving you deeper in the ground.
Absence of sound.
Lacking confidence due to negligence  
So much worth..
If I have so much worth why is there this much hurt?
Why am I pushed into dirt and expected to act as if everything is okay?
I'm just "beautiful" to you.
Not seeing me any other way.
My own being as if that mattered anyway.
I smile as I feel my inner self fade away.

One last trip is all I could ask for.
I want my giggles to turn my insides out.
Watching my cigarette melt while you look at me and smile.
Yet, I'm too busy in my own world to notice the beauty I possess.
The walls move along to the beat of my heart.
I can hear the drums in my chest.
They're watching my every move.
Kisses making my neck melt into you.
I ask for one last trip.
One last trip before my final destination arrives.
Suddenly a road that is leading somewhere.
I remember the flashing lights and the screams.
My giggles turned into cries.
I shouldn't of left.
Alone for hours screaming inside.
I tried.
Scars that I can't erase.
I realized..
I died.

Sick of this pain that I get in my chest.
Not because there's anything wrong with me, but there's something wrong with you.
I'm sick of feeling worthless due to your inability to see my worth.
Sick of being sick from the tears you cause.
The curdling in my stomach every time we argue.
Should love feel like this?
Consistent sickness??
Mistakes I didn't make, yet, I feel at fault.
I ******* love you.
I truly do, but this pain is unbearable.
A mixture of emptiness and sickness.
Acid ripping me apart..
I'm not even me anymore.
Holding on this false smile for my dear life.
Just to make you happy.
But..
Should love feel like this?
It just doesn't feel right.

I once knew someone who showed their love. Overflowing love that was too deep for me to swim in.
I did love him.
For other reasoning.
My comfort in my darkest hours, a friendly face.
The love for him was different.
Wasn't the same.
His love overcame the capacity I could hold.
I was hurt and broken.
Couldn't handle the love he was trying to give.
How could you allow someone to love you to their fullest when you can't even love yourself.
Everyday wishing you wouldn't wake so you can't see the disappointment in their face.
His love was a ocean and I couldn't manage a wave.
I was drowning, yet, he didn't notice because his love was coming in wave by wave.
I need to be able to swim in still waters before I could handle a ocean.
Never got the chance to give my explanation.

I could cry to you a thousand times.
You wouldn't understand the emotion pouring out.

I would tell tales of the stars and the vast ocean.
You would say the ocean doesn't have feelings, that the universe isn't connected.

I could sing to you on my best of days.
You would prefer I didn't speak.

I give in to your deepest desires.
You throw me away after I'm done.

I would hurt myself in order to make sure you were okay.
Even though when I am hurt you're never there anyway.

I would give my last breath to instill the beating of your heart.
You would run in fear while I die.

I could look my best for you.
Yet I wouldn't have your attention.

I could give you everything you need and more.
You wouldn't be satisfied.

I could tell you that I never loved you..
Even though I know it's a lie.
In reply you would say "same"

"They Say Love Hurts" and "I Feel Sick"
Mere memories to what I'm feeling now..
What is this?
I was in love with you..
Ever so madly.
Willing to rip myself apart for you ever so gladly.
But now..
What is this?
Do we just exist?
Together again.. I still love you...
But am I in love?
I don't think I am.
Holding on to something that wasn't there for so long.
Moving on... In circles.
A cycle that never ends.
Why do I go back to him?
"Do what makes you happy"
What if I don't know?
Just going with the flow to the unknown.
My heart is an uncharted aybss that was once full of nothing but a heated bliss.
Now.. Nothingness.
He even called me cold hearted merely due to a small reflection of myself.
For a moment I became what was hurting me.
And God, did I ever feel so free.
Back to the question of love.
Should love feel like this?
If not please tell me.

Amidst the storm your rain touched my skin.
Rain engulfing me in a sweet embrace.
Until the rain that kissed upon my lips and healed my bruises.
Turned into a downfall of acidic juices leaving me stuck in place.
Amidst the storm your rain burned my skin.
A few drops turned into a sea.
Leaving me suffocating in a sea of maybes.
Maybe the sweet embrace of your rain will come again.
Look beyond I see a clear path.
Whether I choose to take it there's no way back.
Amidst the storm I began to swim and with every kick the irritation was held back.

I ran out of trust.
Each lie you would tell building up..
The bleeding from my heart causes my ribs to rust.
Beginning to crack.
At every lie..
Three words I would take back.
But, I can't.
I love you.
"I love you too"
Wondering if it's just another lie.
Manage to flip it around on me.
"Investigating.. Monitoring me"
If I'm such a bother just let me ******* be.
Why are you with me?
My anxiety is killing me.
You say you feel forced.
My heart scorched.
One word and the triggered was pulled.
Forced.
The worst.
Swearing you love me, yet, you feel forced to talk to me.
Let me be.
You love me...
You love me..
Let it be.
I ran out of trust..
But, I must keep trying..
I must.

My mother noticed I'm in denial.
Noticed my fake smile.
In denial.
Generic lines she spoke,
"Follow your heart."
So close.
I choked.
Follow my heart?
What I've worked so hard for?
Or
What comes naturally?
The awaited hurt compared to the continuous mirth.
The one that makes me smile?
I'll finally admit I'm in denial.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Memories just play back in your head.
Curling stomach.
Imagines of him in your bed.
Frozen at the thought about being hurt again.
Wanting to scream into a pillow and cry out loud.
You can't breathe.
Screams, nothing but streams down your face.
You can't move.
Your heart begins to race.
"Why?!!!"
Putting your all into someone and still getting hurt.
While trying to save what you had with them you lose yourself.
The "I love you" that once warmed your heart is now the reason you prefer to cry in the dark.
No one can hear your internal screams.
Ripping yourself at the seams.
Why can't you see that I've fallen apart?
Why can't everything just restart..
These silent tears will be the death of me.

I beg you now.
From the moment you stole my heart I've been at your mercy.
Tell me...
Tell me you don't really love me so my heart can stop beating.
Tell me you don't love me so all this pain and heartache has no meaning.
You tell me you love me and I'm slowly dying inside.
From all the lies that you would hide.
How I wish I wasn't alive..
I love you more than I love myself.
You.
Always full of pride.
Blind to see what's in front of you.
Lingering thoughts now.
I'm insecure.
Would you rather me be a *****?
Rather I don't care and want nothing more?
You are killing me.
Just tell me you don't love me.
Then I'll vacation from this reality.
I'm tired of killing each other slowly.

You tighten your grip.
My little serpent.
Intoxicating me with your slithering tongue.
Too bad you weren't the only one having fun.
You wrangle and twist between my thighs and hips.
Sinking your fangs into my ***** lips.
Little do you know you fell into your own trap.
Rattling vibrations cling to my ***.
Twist your way in me as I make them clap.
Applauding your attempt to escape.
The harder you squeeze the better my ***** tastes.
Do hurt me my little serpent.
Better yet my little servant.
Continuously please me as you've fallen in my lap.
You told me you loved me as did I say the same.
Foolish to believe only one played this game.
Lies slither from a serpents tongue.
Too bad you met the mother of all of em.

A faint breath as I held the gun to my head.
Attempts were made before.
Never before have I been so sure.
So insecure..
Stolen gun and a stroll in the night.
The night that I took my life.
Everything seemed so right.
Heartbeat no longer fast.
I had to hurry up and act.
Before they got back.
I was losing track of placing notes alongside their bedroom doors.
Notes that has been written months in advance.
Never had the courage.
Always had the chance.
Letter to my lover which I kept by my side.
What's the point of being alive if you don't feel alive?
Maybe it was all a mistake.
Who will know.
If only they paid attention they would've known.
The funny part is most will think this is just a poem.

You constantly ask if I'm alright.
As if I don't say the same thing everyday.
"I'm okay"
But, you know I'm lying..
Although you don't know deep inside I'm crying.
"I love him so much"
Love him so much as I feel my blood rush.
You ask me if I'm okay..
Unable to mention being under the influence.
Being under him...
Friends I lose them...
Blacked out memories from that night.
I reach out to my lover..
Only to fight.
This isn't right.
"I'm not alright..."
Please stop asking me before I break.
Please your daughter's life is at stake.
Possibly a victim for a second time.
Yet, accusations are carved into her head.
She is always at fault for something she didn't do.
I didn't give anything to him.
He took away my choice.
I speak as loud as I can to get you to understand, yet, somehow you can't hear my voice.
Explaining why your opinion is a "fact"
Firm hands around my neck tightening their grip as I give my opinion back.

"Prove your love to me. Tear out your eyes."
I tore out my eyes, all for your lies.
I loved you and I was blind.
I 'was' blind.
My sight has been given a second chance.
A beautiful man who appeared in a glance.
Took me in and nursed me to health.
Cleansed my wounds and kissed my eyes.
Made me realise I am alive.
"Prove your love to me and look into my eyes"
I can now see the love and even though I 'was' blind.

I have the same dream.
The dream that excites me.
Waking up, do I scream?
Not wanting your in-between.
Twelve years old.
Walking alone.
Three approach me.
Starring at the graveyard trying to look away.
Hoping for avoidance.
Starring up and down my legs.
Passing by, heart racing.
The smell of liquor and your misguided tongue.
Asking a twelve year old for a little bit of fun.
Running, pulling hair.
"Where do you think you're going?Get back here."
Stone wall meeting lips.
Legs shaking.
Pain between hips.
Blade illuminating, turns being taken.
Taken.
Reliving the memory.
Waking up.
Exciting.
What's wrong with me?
Please old memories.
Stay away from me.

The fact that your no longer here.
Your presence stands besides me.
Residing on the tip of my tongue.
You linger.
Memories,Oh how fun.
Lifeless body.
Such cold hands.
I  long for the warmth of your lips Yet, I can't even feel warmth in your hands.
This wasn't part of my plan.
Falling for you..
Falling..
I continue to fall
Into the icy depths of hell.
You said you would catch me?
Yet, I continue to fall.
You lit the ignition deep within my frozen heart.
Now I'm burnt and you are no where to be found.
No where to be found..
Your lifeless body is all that's left now.

Thank you for the memories. The once wanted touch that is now a memory I wish to erase traced on my skin. The constant thought of you cheating on me.. grasping my throat I couldn't breathe. "I would never cheat on you, why don't you 'believe' me"... Cowardly "man"
You lie to get her thighs.
You lie
You lie
You ******* lie
Hatred etched into my heart.
I hate you so much, yet, I have a fresh start.
Admittance is all I asked.
But your own acceptance is what you lack.
Another pair of thighs to whom you also lied.
Rip out my eyes I'm tired of the treachery.
You lied to me to protect me?
Yet your lied killed me.

The way you look at me and tell me it's okay.
The way you kiss me, upon my cheek, gracefully.
The way your heart beat corresponds with mine.
Falling asleep, losing track of time.
The way you look at me, moving my  hair out of my face.
It's the little things you do that take me to another place.
Kissing and biting along my neck and breast.
When we kiss and you are short on breath.
The slight gasps, when you flinch.
Wanting to kiss you, all over, every inch.
Laying next to you.
Looking you in your eyes.
You make me forget about any other guy.
The way you giggle when I kiss your neck and chest.
Giving me security.
Letting me feel at rest.
The way my insecurities melt when I am with you.
Wishing I knew more, so much I want to do.
The way you wrap yourself around me,
holding me,
ever so tightly.
Making me feel like everything is  right.
How you have me so emotional.
Opening my scars.
I'm not used to bleeding through.
Slowly losing myself in you.
The way you make me feel is so hard to explain.
The little things you do, that drive me insane.
I hope one day I'll be able to tell you how I feel.
Until then,
let's just live,
let's just feel.

Lie to me.
Cheat on me.
The usual things you do.
Hurt me.
Belittle me.
I know that's getting off for you.

Pay attention to me.
Love me.
Please, love me.
All I asked of you.

Built up courage to leave.
No longer tears on my sleeve.
Now I'm the one that's hurting you?

Pay attention to her.
Love her.
Please..
Love her the way  I loved you.

I wish I could erase you, erase all the time we spent.
The kisses you would place upon me ever so tenderly followed by the bruises you would leave on my neck and chest.
The tears would stream down my face and you would tell me you loved me.
You wanted us to run away.
I was the one who should have ran free.
I tried to go and you pulled me by the hand, got aggressive with me again, And you call yourself a man.
Our love-hate relationship.. where was the love.
Given the opportunity to have never have met you.
I would turn it down for you made me strong out of your own weakness, that's why I'm forever bound.
Trying to erase the pen leaving nothing but a smudge.
I guess some things are better left untouched.

"I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU."*
I cry screaming as I leave new memories on my skin.
The thought of finding out these feelings are right..
Where do I begin?
Old memories race through my head.
Wishing I could go back and erase all of the beatings I was fed.
But, instead.
I lay beside you..
You are not him.
You treat me ever so gently, yet, I feel hurt within.
Your words pierced through my heart.
Worse than any beating I could have been dealt.
You hurt me, yet, you are my haven.
Parts of me long to leave you, but it's as if engravings are permanently placed on my heart.
The thought of leaving..
Putting my head to rest.
"I love you.. I love you."
Why won't these feelings egress.

I am told that I have no idea of how far the limits of your love can reach.
Show me.
Show me the way to that love.
Embrace me with a stolen kiss.
What is there to lose from any of this?
I have no idea?
Then show me what's on your mind.
Why its so hard to miss.

I'm sorry for I tend to speak my mind.
I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear.
I'm sorry I do not care much for politics.
Rather than why we are all here.
I'm sorry I tend to gaze up at the sky and wonder if the moon and ocean are distant lovers that cannot be.
I'm sorry that you think I don't make sense to you.
I'm sorry for being me.
I'm sorry I believe in being faithful through the eyes as well as the heart.
I'm sorry I fell in love with you.
I'm sorry I still loved you as you tore me apart.
I'm sorry that we argue and I'm sorry you don't understand.
I'm sorry that I am a woman who understands the ways of a man.
I'm sorry that I can never be good enough for you.
I'm sorry you deny it.
I'm sorry that your heart wonders else where even though you try so hard to hide it.
I'm sorry I'm so observant.
I'm sorry I'm not a fool.
I'm sorry that I long to spend my life with you.
I'm sorry I'm incomplete.
Do you understand?
I'm sorry my explanations aren't good enough for you.
I'm sorry that I feel more than most.
I'm sorry for you.
I'm sorry that you can't see what's in my mind.
I'm sorry that you'll never experience what it's like to truly live.
I'm sorry you'll never understand my words of nonsense.
And you still don't understand?

Heat building up fast.
She's looking for an escape.
Heart pounding.
Ventilation taking place.
Tears of emotion flowing down her face.
Feeling the thumping pace.
She loves him.
You can see it in her eyes.
The way her face glows.
She only sees one guy.
Her whole life, feeding of lies.
Looking for an escape.
Using *** as a way out.
Knowing his "I love You." is a temporary thing.
That's if there was any meaning.
Looking for love in all the wrong places.
Hating herself.
Finally there's Him.
She believes that He is the one.
But that "I love You." turned out to be a "need"
On her knees she cries and pleads.
Hating herself.
She's cries and cries.
Hands shaking as she pulls out a gun.
Breaking her own heart sounds like fun.
All due to another lie.

Do my tears bring you mirth?
All of my pain, my whole reason for existence on this earth.
Look at me and tell me what you see.
I care not for my so called "beauty"
You are down, I am your savior.
Whilst I'm down there's no such behavior.
You think you fill my head with lies at ease.
Little do you know these lies don't appease.
Strike me down if you must.
Rather have you as an enemy, than someone that I falsely trust.
Sit there and mock me if you must.
I will not fall for your bluff.

Every time you look at me I swear my heart skips a beat.
Stop.
This feeling. Why do my knees get weak?
Why can't I speak?
Whenever I'm around you I swear I can't breathe.
But then I open my mouth and constant words fall out.
Unable to control my speech.
You don't realize what you do to me.
Feelings please leave.
Get out.
Your touch lingers on my skin.
The heat leaves when you move your hand and I am shivering.
Being told I don't have a heart.
"Always so serious.. why don't you smile?"
All they ever say.
But,
with you I could smile all day.
Melting..
All my anger melting away.
I could be with you everyday.
If only everyday wasn't so far away.

I can't remember to forget you.
Forgetting you is nearly losing a piece of myself.
The piece that has been dealt for all the pain that I felt.
I can't remember to forget you.
Bruises placed upon my skin.
The memories in which I can't tell where they end and where they begin.
I can't remember to forget you.
My first love.
Scars etched in my heart.
I can't
Remember to forget you?
Can't remember to forget.
A twisted way..
I miss it.

I watched myself falling in love with you.
The short distance felt like miles
A far stretch from your warm touch.
I watched myself fall in love with you.
When your voice soothed over the voices that told me harm
When I realised I could only fall asleep in your arms.
I watched myself fall in love with you.
The moment I cried in front of you for the first time
Being the first person in a while.
Tears flowing down my face
Your gentle touch wiping them away.
So why am I now watching myself fall out of love with you?
The constant reminder of hurt from my past again
The beginning of the cycle which killed me then.
Forever haunting me.
I'm watching myself fall out of love with you.
I don't know what to do.
I do love you?
Watching myself fall out of love with you.
When your kisses are a reminder of aching lies that you think you're hiding.
The child in my womb that has me crying.
Your kiss used to burn me with a burning moon.
Never too bright just enough to make me swoon.
Now your kiss is just a vacant space.
Each kiss from the lips of which lies trace upon me.
Am I really falling out of love with you?
I'm so confused.
Scared of being hurt again.
I'm having a child with you.

Maybe I'm overreacting
Maybe.. I'm just a loon.
But I hope that these feelings I have are wrong about you.
And I hope you prove them soon.

My heart is full of words I'll never speak.
I will carry them with me to my grave even though they're slowing killing me each day.
That what if.. that I think of everyday.
Have all of my decisions led to this or is there more for me in my journey in this never-ending life.
Was every decision I made..
The right choice?
I'm not sure anymore.
I've lost my own voice.
My life is worth living due to holding my world in my arms.
Fragile being that looks up upon me
Eventually will call me mom.
Maybe my choices were destined to led me where I stand.
What about the what if's..
Is this my final destination or is there more that has been planned?

I no longer feel the need to care.
Blood.
Scattered everywhere.
"What happened?"
"Why am I here."
These feelings driving me insane.
After all I'm always the one to blame.
I wonder what happened here.
Looking around I freeze in place.
My body..
My brain scattered over the drapes.
My so called escape.
Trapped.
No emotion.
I feel numb.
I should've thought twice before I held that gun.

I thought everything would be alright.
Maybe If I had passed away that night.
Look at me mom.
Don't you care?
Am I the only one who sees the blood everywhere?
I can't get up.
I'm drained.
I'm weak.
And to think you barely gaze upon me makes me think.
Was I just an annoyance?
Was I just another sin?
The water is still running and my throat is shut.
I can't speak mom.
Can't you see my blood?

I never wanted to end my existence more than I did when you told me we should end it.
Two years of constant heartache and tears because I thought you would change.
Do you think everything is a game?
Am I even sane..
For still loving you.
My heart is beating out my chest.
You have my heart and you chose to eat it.
Now there's nothing left in me because you chewed all my pieces.