It hurts that I can't be with you.
I've become addicted to this numbness.
It's my fault I feel this way.
I allow myself to be hurt only to continue hurting either way.
My heart is telling me to leave.
But I'm persistent.
This hurt is unlike any I've known before.
Please, I can't take no more.
I long for your smile.
Every moment with you is worth while.
Actual happiness.
My heart and face flush,
I stutter on my words.
I just speak.
Consistent smiles
Continuously laughing.
Time flies by so quickly when I'm with you.
Everything that he is lacking.
Why am I so confused?
*Why can't I just end the hurt.
And just be with you..

Heat building up fast.
She's looking for an escape.
Heart pounding.
Ventilation taking place.
Tears of emotion flowing down her face.
Feeling the thumping pace.
She loves him.
You can see it in her eyes.
The way her face glows.
She only sees one guy.
Her whole life, feeding of lies.
Looking for an escape.
Using *** as a way out.
Knowing his "I love You." is a temporary thing.
That's if there was any meaning.
Looking for love in all the wrong places.
Hating herself.
Finally there's Him.
She believes that He is the one.
But that "I love You." turned out to be a "need"
On her knees she cries and pleads.
Hating herself.
She's cries and cries.
Hands shaking as she pulls out a gun.
Breaking her own heart sounds like fun.
All due to another lie.

Feelings unbalanced.
The heavy weight of what I want and what's good for me.
Parts of you drift in my mind.
The sanctions of time, I just wanted you to be mine.
I deserve better and I know that.
But parts of me still feel your impact.
You came rushing towards me creating feelings I cannot describe.   You were my high, I always wanted you by my side.
Please.
Release your grip.
Loving you is toxic.
I feel my lungs collapsing.
Why do you get me like this.
Knots and twists.
Then again there's another.
Feelings pure and alike.
How am I still stuck on your poison when he is granting me eternal life.
You are slowly killing me and he is keeping me alive.
I'm stuck between what I want and what I need.
Help me.
I'm unstable, parts of my heart shattered and loving you was just a fable.
Merely hearing your name and the memories begin to choke me.
Sort of how you would provoke me. I regret everything left unsaid.
All of this uncertainty coursing through my head.
The heavy weight of what I want and whats good for me?
Why won't your presence just let me be..

I watched myself falling in love with you.
The short distance felt like miles
A far stretch from your warm touch.
I watched myself fall in love with you.
When your voice soothed over the voices that told me harm
When I realised I could only fall asleep in your arms.
I watched myself fall in love with you.
The moment I cried in front of you for the first time
Being the first person in a while.
Tears flowing down my face
Your gentle touch wiping them away.
So why am I now watching myself fall out of love with you?
The constant reminder of hurt from my past again
The beginning of the cycle which killed me then.
Forever haunting me.
I'm watching myself fall out of love with you.
I don't know what to do.
I do love you?
Watching myself fall out of love with you.
When your kisses are a reminder of aching lies that you think you're hiding.
The child in my womb that has me crying.
Your kiss used to burn me with a burning moon.
Never too bright just enough to make me swoon.
Now your kiss is just a vacant space.
Each kiss from the lips of which lies trace upon me.
Am I really falling out of love with you?
I'm so confused.
Scared of being hurt again.
I'm having a child with you.

Maybe I'm overreacting
Maybe.. I'm just a loon.
But I hope that these feelings I have are wrong about you.
And I hope you prove them soon.

My heart is full of words I'll never speak.
I will carry them with me to my grave even though they're slowing killing me each day.
That what if.. that I think of everyday.
Have all of my decisions led to this or is there more for me in my journey in this never-ending life.
Was every decision I made..
The right choice?
I'm not sure anymore.
I've lost my own voice.
My life is worth living due to holding my world in my arms.
Fragile being that looks up upon me
Eventually will call me mom.
Maybe my choices were destined to led me where I stand.
What about the what if's..
Is this my final destination or is there more that has been planned?

Your eyes are like a painting and I love getting lost in your art.

They tell you that you're beautiful.
They tell you that you were strong.
But what they don't seem to understand is that they have it all wrong.
They tell you that you're flawless.
Yet you only see your flaws.
You see the scars that remain hidden.
Sweaters every day, Who am I kidding.
Behind your smile your life isn't worth while.
"you're perfect"
"Am I even worth it?"
They tell you that they love you.
You've heard it all before.
Every broken heart that you've ever endured.
You deserve the best as what they say.
Yet your ridiculed and mocked almost everyday.
They tell you..
"You mustn't fall, you can't be defeated."
Somewhere along the line.
You begin to think they really mean it.

You said you'd love me like there was no tomorrow, yet, tomorrow is here and you are gone.

No ordinary being.
The light in the darkness.
You.
Her silent tears at the thought of you leaving.
Heart stops beating.
To her.
Her everything.
So many feelings
But..
You don't see them.
Loving you more than herself.
To her.
Her poison and her remedy.
Her smiles and her tears
To her..
Loving you...
Her greatest fear.
You leaving.

Oh, "father" do claim me as your own? Claim me as your forgotten child, 17 years, alone..
A shame, you miss me grow. Turn into the beautiful woman that leaves men in woe.  
Oh, "father" I think I need some help. Words cannot explain to you the pain I felt.
Innocence lost of such a young age.
A father who doesn't even care whether his child's a victim of ****.
Knowing you are alive and you truly don't care.
What, do you think that a holiday card would get anywhere?
To make up for the things you've done.
No matter where I go, I have nowhere to run.
Oh,  "father" I wrote you just once, a call out of distress, a call from my heart.
The things I've heard.. is what they say true?
Should me being raised to hate you, truly be where  my heart subdues?
I wish to believe there is good in a "man" who roams around freely without grasping his child's hand.  
Oh, "father" I have it much more to say.. I'll leave the rest for another day.

He welcomes me with a selfish grin.
Couldn't contain the thoughts he had within.
"My Lord I've waited until this day"
I shall join you and together we can play.
I will be another tormented soul as long as you personally torment me.
Send a fire up my spine.
Waiting for the day where you said "you're mine"
Hot embrace.
Smoke trickling down my legs.
Sudden realization of a ***** dream.
Until the day I do not wake
Then we can truly be.

Unbearable heartache.
Pierced trust.
She learned to cry in silence.
No one cared to hear her speak.
Her tears flowed in silence.
Distance being not even a few feet.
Cried so much she couldn't breathe.
Yet
She didn't make a sound.
False claims sworn by those that are lovers
Those that are friends..
Claims that are broken.
Leaving her at ends.
Heart beating out of her chest.
Tears now flowing down her neck.
She learned to cry in silence.
Deep breath
Crooked smile
Turnt over as though she wasn't crying all this while.

By the time I realised I loved you the stars had already aligned and our fate was written in stone. 
By the time I realised I loved you, 
I had realised that you hated me.
I hate me..
I was scared and I felt alone.
Pushed you to the side.
For a guy that led me to my demise.
I loved the energy and the sweet embrace in which you gave. 
I wasn't ready for love.
I dug my grave. 
My life is a spiral that led me to my son.
Undying love 
Beyond the moon and the sun.
The soft touch which before I oftened miss.
Now I look back at the memories and thank you for this.
You led me to a path that gave me the world.
I just hope that the path you chose led you to yours.

Hot breath.
Leaving me restless.
Slow heartbeat.
I lay out in defeat.
Messy hair.
Clothes everywhere.
I fall asleep and to my surprise when I wake..
You're still there.
Looking at me.
Gazing into my eyes
"I'm falling in love with you" is the first thing you say.
My heart tells me to run away, but I lay unable to move.
Then the craziest thing happens..
"I already fell for you"

I wake up tired going on 9hrs of sleep.
Always tired.
Nothing wrong with me.
Left my hair in the bun that I slept in.
Haven't brushed it in weeks.
I just want to sleep.
It's nice outside today, but I'd rather stay inside.
The sun hurts my eyes.
Why do I always cry?
Thoughts in my mind are always on repeat.
Please cease.
Maybe I should eat.
Nothing to make so I go back to sleep.
Why do you haunt Me?
Leave me be.
Only thing to look forward to
Poetry.
And even then..
You too will leave me.

Tangled mind,

Kisses down my spine.

Physical touch

Forbidden heart that I cannot reach

Your words..

Your actions..

Hurting me.

My dear nemesis, I love you so

You spew your "love" towards me so you can gain control.

Crumbling..

I fall.

Frozen as your hand hits the wall

I try to leave and you lower your guard

Just to leave me shattered as you become explosive

Shards..

Tearing me down, never missing a beat

I will take my leave..


And in the end, you will taste defeat.

Not me.

He called it love, while I stood here bleeding.

Pleading.. For this pain to stop.

"I love you, but I can't show it"

As your words dug deep in me like knives

Barely alive, numb to your touch

I'm dying inside.

Throat swells..

Bloodshot eyes

I have no more tears left to cry


Tired of exposing your lies

You still deny..

I still try...

I'm sorry..
My pride, my little sprout

These weren't my intentions

A broken family wasn't the plan I had planned out


I still try..

I still try, staggering with the will to survive for you

My seedling

My entire being

I've had enough of the constant bleeding

We'll be leaving

The slow killer that I can't escape.

It constantly waits

And waits

Waits...

For me to make my final move.

Each time I get closer, yet, each time isn't as soon..

As I hoped for it to be

Depression is killing me slowly

I just want to be free

Free from this feeling

From this world

The ounce of hope I have in my seed

Couldn't survive without me..

I can't live within me..

Let me be

Please let me be

I know I'm dying slowly

Why me..

Sun on my skin

Envisioning him

Warm breeze flowing in my sleeve

Where have you been?

Down in dirt

Bury my knees

Grief,

Let me be..

I miss your embrace

The way your touch brought bliss to my face

But you're hurting me

Let me be

Buried to my knees

Cold wet nights

Trembling hands

What I would give to feel your warmth again..

You come with a shovel and weeds

I tremble

Your misdeed

You bury me

Warmth..

How I miss your embrace

Tears flowing

Blood draining

My body is no longer aching

Cold hands

My heart is no longer breaking

You lie to your peers

They don't know how you behave behind a closed door

Your encore.

Twisted face

You painted man.

Is this part of your ever scheming plan?

Outside serenity

Hidden anger

Hard working "family" man

Inside you always combust

My soul

Rust.

Calm with them

A storm with me.

You are "happy"

While you're hurting me.

Your withering trophy.

I'm left to die.

Desperately try to leave.

Your grip tightening on me.

If only they knew.

The real you.

The quiver in your lip when disrupted.

Shaking our seed.

His lip busted.

Your anger out of control.

This home feels so cold.

The things you've done to me.

To our seed.

Taking our leave.

I know I am not the first person you loved.

You are not the first person I longed for.

We have both suffered loss in which..

The blood on our blades is thick.

Dealt with more scars than we have skin.

The sacrifices we've made..

No appreciation.

Our love came unannounced

In the middle of a cold January night.

The soil under us in which our first seed was planted.

Love came to us.

We took it for granted.

But we can heal..

Together.

I will write to the salt of sweet sweat that lingers on your skin.
And I will not be afraid
of your scars..

The ones that remain within.

I will love you.

I do love you.

Your warmth grips me at last

And the days ahead of us are within our grasp.

As long as you allow it to stay.

But I will not love you when you scorn me with a thousand blades.

Your words forever branded to my skin.

Trying so hard to hold onto you while you just pull away even harder.

The rope tearing my flesh

Shredding to the bone.

I can only hold on for so long..

And I'm afraid.

Not of your scars, but afraid of mine.

Afraid of wasting my time.

Our time is on the line.

My scars pressed against your scars.

I mean you no harm.

I know I'm not the first person you've loved..

I'm hoping to be your last.

Growing old with you

Our withering scars

All in a flash.

You aren't the first person I've longed for..

If given this chance.

You will be my last.

Waking with rust in my throat.

The red stain on my pillow.

Just waiting to choke.

Aching bones

High pitched tones.

Pierced my head.

The living dead.

This illness.

Mentally..

Physically...

Let me be.

This pain

No endurance.

I can't tolerate..

It's taunting me.

Mouth full of red

Sensitivity to light

I'm dizzy.

No longer am I able to sleep.

Open sores

Bleed some more.

Drain me

Entirely

Maybe then I'll sleep peacefully.

Mouth full of rust

Heart with no trust

This pain engulfs me.

Aching hands

Broke mans land.

If only my rust could turn to gold.

The only thing I haven't sold

My dignity..

Just take me.

How I want your hunger to be exclusively for me.

I want your attention.

My selfishness..

Growing.

Is it bad to not want someone with wondering eyes?

Wants and needs,

I so desperately, need..

I want..

You to think of only me when we're apart

Apart from being between my thighs

Tires of being fed your growing lies.

I want to be desired.

I plead,

Envisioning..

Swallowing seed..

Feed me.

Only me.

Cravings,

Let me be.

The vacant touch

I hungrily ache for.

Your hidden secrets

I'm not her.

Your screen is your being

Within the same home

I'm left to wilt.

Gleaming,

I wait . .

I hungrily wait.

While you envision

Other women.

My body aches.

Is it too much to be desired by you?

Desired by others

I turn them down.

Only to be left alone

Your face buried while you turn down the sound.

Desired. .

I'm tired. .

My wants.. Needs..

Neglected.

You don't care

Hurting those you "love"

I cannot bare.

My sanity

I'll protect it.

Your lies

Can stay over there.

We can both have our secrets.

If that is what you choose.

I will be desired. .

And eventually I won't care if it's not from you.

The trembling has begun again

I'm covered in a mist of sweat

Again.
Again.

Pounding in my chest

Can't forget your stench

Vague whispers

Venomous breath

Tears dripping down my face

While,

Sweet salt drips from another place

Warm fluids of ecstasy

Inside of me

Gone without a trace

I still shake

Everytime I still break

I can't even look at your face

1 in the chamber

Just 4 chambers to crack

The numbness amplifies the silence I'm about to give back

Hollow bones in an empty chest

Dying womb

Can't bring back the dead

Longing to join

Can't take the steps

So much closer to my last breath

Take me instead..

You disgust me.

Wondering snake

Full of deceit.

I'll bound your hands and gut you out

Wretched, filthy, you stink.

You blinked

Cut your eyes open

You mustn't miss a beat.

Forced to watch as he hungrily stuffs me with meat

Warm and juicy he stretches me loosely

I moan
I cry


Laughing,
as I watch you die inside.


You weren't so displeased when the woman wasn't me?

Please

Don't stop looking at me.. Baby


Watch this bull take me for a ride


Hot fluid building up inside


Positions you were too small to reach


Forbidden territory

My juicy fruit dripping down his cheek


Laughing as I watch you struggle to touch your ****.

Your fantasy is finally a reality.

If only you didn't disgust me

Then it wouldn't be the last thing your eyes would see.

Constantly throbbing

My kitty aches.

Feed me your **** for goodness sake.

You compulsive liar

Down room

Lit screen

Your primary desire.

Consume.


Next to me at night.

While I shower..

Your phone glares in another room.

All you do is consume.

Consume.

I do hope it catches up to you.

Wishing you a long limp journey.

Wanting to feel others hot seed fill within me.

You can watch with your small little ****.

The thing I ache for.

I hope it rots.

I want my happiness to be fulfilling.

Lucky you getting to watch multiple men fill in.

Constantly throbbing

Aches and desires

Starting to want more..

I'm growing tired.

You discard them

Block them

As if I wouldn't notice.

I call 67

a female voice is noted.

She is quiet

In denial

She doesn't know you.

Numbers blocked in your phone.

"Going fishing"

Brings no fish home.

Addicted to your phone

Addicted to women when you aren't home.

I feel so alone

No warm embrace

Lack of tenderness.

Your sour taste.

Empty ***

Your anger explodes

No need to yell

Hit things

No need to pull a belt towards a 6yr old

My broken heart

Home of 4

Soon to be 5..

Fallen apart.

Everlasting lies drip from your rotting mouth.

Wanting to leave

But

No where to go.

Clinging to the past

Hoping hope will show.

Gnawing for a way out.

The weight you've left me with I will carry on my back

Once we leave there is no coming back.