You treat me like I have a disease.
Like Im sick and if you come to close youll catch it,
but its not contagious I wish you could just see.

You see me around everywhere. For Gods sake I live with you.
But you still keep your distance
As if this so called disease is going to leave me and enter you.
You dont know the real me,
You dont  know the girl whos lost.
And hurt.
You judge me, but then turn around and say you love me.
I dont understand

How can you say you love me then turn around and abuse me?
Do you think I just let it go because I pretend I dont care.
No I dont, it tears me up inside and bring me right back to where this mess all began.
You pushed me to this.
Your words and actions push me further into this,
and still you act as if Im the one at fault.
Im the one with the disease.
But the only cure,
is your apology.
Which I know will never come.

There are only so many times you can be broken
    before it becomes impossible to put the pieces back together.
       There are only so many times your heart can be torn
          before it becomes impossible to repair.
            There are only so many beatings you can take
               before you stop fighting back.
                  There is only so much tearing down that can be done
                     before it becomes impossible to be rebuilt.
                        There are only so many times you can fall
                           before you can't get back up.

Tonight's just one of those nights.
You know the ones.
The endless thoughts.
The never ending tears.
Yeah, tonight's just one of those nights.

Sometimes we're lucky enough in life to meet someone special.
To make a friend that is unlike anyone else.
This person will alter your life, whether they realize they're doing it or not.
This friend will make things different.
Make things better.
They'll make the pain melt away.
They'll force all your worries away.
They'll make you laugh and smile in ways you never have before.
And it's the simple things really.
Singing obnoxiously in the car.
Saying hi in the hallways.
Giving you hugs when you're down.
Ahh yes those hugs, those are the best.
The hugs that are so tight they press all the broken pieces back together.
Those are my favorite.
You see, people that can change your life this tremendously, these are people worth keeping around.
These people you should never let go.
These friends, are friends forever.

If I could rewind time-
I would go back and fix my life.
I'd make good choices.
I'd make sure they were wise.
I'd go back to the beginning.
I'd go back to the start.
I'd go back and find a way to keep my life from falling apart.
I'd block certain people out.
And let others in.
I'd erase all thoughts of wanting my life to end.
If I could fastforward time-
I'd find out what will become of my life.
I'd find out all the mistakes I would make.
I'd find out all the risks I would take.
I'd find out all the stupid **** I would do.
I'd find out if I would ever have to courage to tell you *******.
I'd find out a was to avoid all the problems I would have to face.
I'd find out what I would have to deal with day after day.
But for now I have to live in the present-
I have to deal with all the constant surprise.
I have to deal with all the lies.
I have to deal with all the crap.
I have to realize that I may never get my life back.
I have to carry on day after day.
Even though all I want to do is run away.

All I have are me, myself, and I.
I'm not enough.
Never have been.
Never will be.
So why do I even bother?

Babe please don't be mad I'm doing this because I care.
I never want anyone to hurt you again.
Not even lay a finger on your hair.
I know it's scary not knowing what's going to happen next.
But ill be here though it all, at your worst and at your best.
I just can't stand the thought of you being hurt anymore.
Since you told me the story I've had night mares of police showing up at my door.
All too vivid dreams of that day the phone rings
GIRL FOUND DEAD AT SCENE.
I can't let this go and I can't pretend that I don't know.
I love you more than you could ever comprehend.
I can't watch this anymore, the abuse has to end.

It's the same reoccurring dream over and over again.
The same images playing over in my head.
I can't close my eyes, the images immediately appear.
I'm sleep deprived, always facing the same nightmare.
Waking up screaming gasping for air.
Begging God please don't take him, it's not fair.

Don't be around me if I'm.

High

Sad

or tired

And if you're dying to see a disaster happen

Don't be around me when I'm high and sad...

...and it's late...

And if you really want me to fall apart

**Tell me you're in love with me.
Say it from your heart

Promises broken.
Hearts shattered.
Everythings gone.
Everything that ever mattered.
My body trembles.
My heart cries.
My head spins from all the lies.
What went wrong?
I'll never know.
Was this ever anything more than a show?

Your words pierced through my heart like a knife*

You really don't give two ***** about me do you.
How stupid was I to be fooled.
Again.
I thought maybe you'd change.
Decided to let you back it.
But now you're just another mistake.


Stop I don't wanna hear you talk about this. I just wanna have some fun with you

How could I be so stupid to think you actually give a **** about me?
How could I be so stupid to trust you in again?!

*I mean nothing to you

I see all of you crying.
Upset because you think it's finally come to an end;
but you're all wrong.
This is just the beginning of something new.
I know without a shadow of a doubt you're all going to go far in life.
How do I know this?
I know because I see that each and every one of you is special.
You've all touched peoples lives in one way or another.
Each of you have touchd my life.
44-Helping me when I couldn't remember a play as the 5.
22-Never failing to make me laugh with the weird things you do and say.
15-Giving me rides, letting me help you coach.
32-Showing me what true friendship is.
10-Always there with advice.
Every single one of you is amazing.
I know you're sad that this season has come to an end;
but where one journey stops...
another begins.

I scroll through Instagram and Facebook and there's even stuff on snapchat of all these people that are so happy and celebrating their dads and it's not fair. Because all I have is pictures to stare at and wish he was here but no matter how much I stare and scream and beg God... He's not gonna come back. No matter how much I miss how. How much I need him. How much I want him he's gona. And I'm never gonna be able to accept that. And it's 9:30 at night in summer and I should be out with friends but I'm not because I'm too sad so I'm just laying here in bed curled in a ball crying so hard I can't breathe writing this stupid ******* paragraph because he's never coming back... And I can't cope with that...

Too numb and need to feel?
visit my steel friends under the mattress

Feeling too much and want to be numb?
visit my glass bottled friends hidden in my closet

Feeling stressed and need to settle down?
visit my smelly green friends, breathe them in slowly

Too many thoughts and can't sleep?
visit my friends in daddy's medicine cabinet, he won't notice

**what if I visited more than one friend at once?

Because congratulations
It ******* worked.
You've belittled me down to nothing.
I don't even know my own worth.

I can't explain why you're so important to me.
I'm not in love with you.
We've never been intimate.
Never even held hands.
There's no feelings between us,
but yet so many.
Maybe it's the way we've know each other since we were kids,
playing tag all day on the playground.
Or maybe the way we just got close last year,
but if feel like we've known each other for eternity.
Could it be how much we have in common?
Music, movies, star gazing.
Maybe it's the way we can talk for hours about nothing and everything.
One minute talking about what our favorite tupac song is, the next crying in each other's arms because cancer took him from me, and now he's taking her from you.
Maybe I like the way I feel so safe and comfortable around you.
Knowing you'll always stick up for me like you did the other night.
Are you important because I like the way my names roles off your tongue?
Or maybe it's the drunk conversations at 2am.
Or the 4am car rides,
both of us too high and tired to even know what we're saying.
Spilling all our secrets.
Maybe you're important because you're so much like me.
And if I can't save myself,
*at least maybe I can save you

I found all the old letters.
I read them all again, some twice through.
Smiling with all the sweet words you said.
Remembering how you said you missed me.
Reminicing on you telling me you wanted nothing more than just to hold me.
I found your old sweater.
The one you gave me that one day in the snow.
We spent hours outside acting like children.
Once we were done I was numb,
though you were freezing youself, you gave it to me selflessly.
Every now and than I put it on.
Sit on my bed all wrapped up in you.
I can smell you on it,
so badly I wish you were next to me in this bed again
I found our old pictures.
All our good times.
The endless memories.
Back when things were simple, happy, unbroken.
I found myself in tears.*
Thinking of everything we had.
I thought it would last forever.
We shared so much;
secrets, tears, laughs, and smiles.
Everytime I find something,
I break a little more.

Every day it gets one day closer to the end; and every day I get more and more scared. In a few months it will all be over. We will be out for summer, and you will be gone. Off on the next chapter in your life. I wish I could just freeze time. Stop it right in its tracks. That way I would never have to say goodbye. I want to just stay in this year forever, you a senior me a sophomore. I don't want to say goodbye. Will I ever hear from you? Will I see you again? I am scared to death you are going to forget about me. But I pray to God that you won't. Every night I beg Him "please don't let me lose her." I am terrified I am going to lose one of my bestfriends. I am scared I am going to lose the one who came along and changed everything for me. You gave me a different outlook on things. All the little things you do, all the little things you say; they mean more than you know. Simple things really. Chin up. "Chin up" you always say. "Stay strong" you always say. You are living proof that I am not in this war alone. You are my rock. You give me hope. A friend is an angel who lifts you up when your own wings have forgotten how to fly. You are my angel. You give me strength to get through the day. You picked me up when I had hit rock bottom. You have kept me from drowning all this time. When I fall, you catch me. Instead of letting me hit the cold hard ground. Who is going to be my strength when you are gone? Who is going to throw me a rope when the waves start to consume me? Because if you have not noticed, I am not too good at being strong on my own. Are we ever going to talk? Can I still call you crying my eyes out? Can I still text you if I need advice? Can I just freeze time so you do not have to go? Am I being selfish? I am happy for you; do not get me wrong. And I am proud of you. I am proud that you have made it this far; overcoming all the obsticals you have encountered. Proving to life that you can handle whatever is thrown at you. I admire you for that. I admire you for your kindness. I admire your dedication to your team. I admire the way you still laugh through that day, even though sometimes you might cry through the night. I am going to miss you. Every little part of you. Your smile. Your voice. Your laugh. Your weirdness. Your jokes. Your hugs, maybe that is one thing I will miss most of all. Why? Because they are different. They are not the crap quick hugs most people give. They are big. Warm. Compassionate. Loving. Comforting. When you give me a hug, I feel like maybe for once everything is going to be okay. They are real. This friendship is real. I just pray I do not become only a mere memory.

No matter what you do.
   No matter how hard you try.
      There's always that one person.
        The one pushing you down.
*I just wish I knew why

They say everything happens for a reason.
But still I don't understand why;
why did you two have to become angles in the sky?

You know,
I love you but sometimes I get very upset.
All you seem to care about lately is partying.
All I want is one night with you.
Sober nights can be fun too
Just one night where you're not working.
You're not with your boyfriend.
Just you and me.
I mean is that too much to ask?
For Gods sake I just had surgery.
Can't you just stay with me while I recover?
Or is that buzz and that high more important than me?

is that I have this sinking feeling that won't go away.
A feeling that, that was the last hug.
The last spoken conversation...

*The last goodbye.

Seriously where the **** are you. I need you now more than ever and I don't know where you are. You've stood by my side since my freshmen year, please don't leave me now. Please. I need you. My rock my anchor my semicolon. Where the **** are you....

Who the hell are you?
It's like I don't even know you anymore.
Helf the time when I look at you all I wonder is
where did my bestfriend go?
We made so many promises to each other
That we would stand by each other.
That we would help one another.
That we wouldn't let high school get the best of us.
I meant it when I said it, but it's pretty obvious you didn't.
Parties every weekend.
Opening yourself up to anyone and everyone.
You complain you get taken advantage of too much, but it's your own fault.
Is it hard being that easy?
You complain that guys keep hurting you because they only want you for your body
and then they leave you...
well here's a little thought;
say NO once in a while
Holy **** is it that hard to stand up for yourself?
You told me you feel bad about all the things you've done with him.
And him.
And him.
You said you feel like you made a mistake...
but then you go and do it again.
It's the same story time and time again.
Listen though,
the first time you do something it's a mistake.
Every time after that,
it's a choice.

It's two am.
Why can't I sleep?
Why am I wide awake?
Oh wait I know;
Because sleep and I aren't friends anymore.
My mind races when I try to rest.
The voices don't shut up.
I can't close my eyes.
I can't escape the nightmare.
The same **** one.
Daddy's in it.
He's saying somethig,
what daddy I can't hear
HELP
Im coming daddy hold on
Help me please
But I can never reach him in time.
Something always holds me back.
I scream and cry and;

wake up Bree, *** it's okay. It was just a dream. Go back to sleep

But it wasn't just a dream and it's not that easy to just go back to sleep.

And that's why at two am I'm still wide awake.

Can't you leave me alone?
Can't you see I've had enough?
If you haven't noticed, my life if kinda rough.  
Do you like to harass me?
Do you enjoy giving me a hard time?
*Does it make you feel good knowing you're the reason I'll be dead in no time

I fell for you like the rain fell from the sky.
At first suddenly, then all at once.

I fell for you like the bolt of lightening.
Violently and strong.

I fell for you like the clap of thunder.
Loudly and fearfully.

You fell for me the way the way birds swim in the sea.
*That'd only happen in my dreams

I don't even really know what I'm writing or what I'm saying right now. All I know is I have a million things and a million voices in my head and they're going to be the end of me. Or maybe it'll be society that'll be the end of me. Or maybe it's the boy that works the drive through. Maybe he's the one that's really driving me crazy. My head is spinning around a million miles an hour and I don't know how to stop it.
You're ugly
You're fat
Your skins not prefect
You too white
Your hair is frizzy
Your outfit doesn't match
He's never going to like you
No one will ever love you
You're worthless
You're not good enough
You're a ****
Don't eat
**** yourself
The blades are still under the mattress
SOMEONE MAKE THE VOICES STOP
Please...
*Im begging you