There's many different reasons I've herd for why a person cries by them self.
No one can know we are hurting.
No one can see our pain.
We don't want anyone to know that we are weak.
We don't want to be judged.
And maybe also, because no one looks cute when they cry.

People keep asking me what I want for Christmas.
But the thing is no one can give me what I truly want.
Because the only thing I want it for my dad to get better.
I want the cancer to leave.
I don't want this to be the last Christmas for him and me.

There's a difference between wanting something and needing something.
You're that difference.
You see, there are a lot of things I want.
I want my parents to be together.
I want them to be civil.
I want my medical problems to go away.
I want more money.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
I could go on and on but honestly,
I think I would run out of room to write.
There's a million things in the world I want..
But you,
*I need you

stop telling me my hair looks bad
I already hate it enough
Stop commenting on my clothes
I'm only dressed and put together for you
Stop commenting on my body
I stare in the mirror hating myself every day
Stop commenting on my skin
I've tried every remedy in the book to clear it
Stop putting up standards for me to meet*
Im doing the best I can

Do you know what it's like?
To walk in the room and immediately wanting to leave.
Do you know how it feels to look around as everyone waits for coach to show up
Knowing no one really wants you there.
No one would notice if you were gone.
Do you know what it's like,
To feel hated.
By every single person you see?
Do you know what it's like to feel like me?

Why don't you want to have a party or anything for your birthday?*

**Because it won't be a party for me it'll be a funeral instead

Sitting here doing this project at 12 o'clock at night;
I have to answer the question "Who am I?"
It's an interesting question,
and I can't answer it.
Because I don't know who I am anymore.
I just know that I'm not alright.

One of the worst feelings in the world is loneliness.
Sitting in the dark by yourself in the wee hours of the night gently crying.
Nobody knows what's going on with you.
How could anybody realize what's happening?
Everybody you know is resting peacefully in their bed awaiting the new day tomorrow.
But for you, there's no difference in the days.
Everythings just one endless blur.
Sometimes, it's as if you're not even there.
Just flesh, taking up space.

And the way she said
I'm fine
Was a little to quick
A little too quiet
And a little too often

I wonder if you know,
you're the first one I've loved in a while.
The first one I've gotten comfortable with.
First one I've let inside.
To be honest,
it felt so good again.
To finally have hat place I can run.
A place I can hide.
Though at the same time,
I don't have to hide.
Myself that is.
I know I can be myself around you.
You don't judge me.
You don't look at me different.
You just love me, despite all of the ****.
And you have no idea how good that feels.

Running away has never sounded so good.*
No more pain.
No more fights.
No more nightmare filled nights.
No longer I'd be a burden.
No longer would I trouble you.
No longer would I tangle up your life, I'm sorry it was what I consumed.

I didn't want to let go because you actually make me feel cared for. I heard it in your voice and felt it in the tightness of your hug. *Someone actually cares.

Every day I break a little more inside.
Waking up putting a smile on my face,
faking the smile. The laughs.
Hiding the tears. The hurt.
Some days;
most day...
I just want to curl up under a rock and hide.
No one would be able to hurt me there.
I wouldnt be an inconvenience anymore.
Id be out of sight out of mind.
The way everyone wants it.

but I did.
And now there's nothing I can do.
Every day for the rest of my life,
I'll have to deal with this.
Every day I have to wake up, look at myself in the mirror,
and pretend I'm not disgusted... with myself.
I'll forever have to live with ruining something so precious.
Something(one) so fragile.
Something(one) who couldn't even fight back.
Forever I will be haunted with what could have been.

You see her smile.
You see her laugh.
You think everythings fine as she walks into class.
You think she's got it together.
You think nothings wrong.
You dont see how much shes been hurting for so long.
She comes off strong.
Never to show she is weak.
But when the night comes, tears are all she sees.
She's tried to stay strong, even as everything goes wrong.
But she's not sure how much longer she'll be around.

Laying here in the middle of the road just looking at stars and to be completely honest
I wouldn't even care if I got hit by a car
At least then I could finally be with you up there wherever you are.

I have this card for you
it's not much;
but I'm hoping it'll mean something.

Most nights there's something stopping me.
Keeping me from running my car into the guard rails.
Keeping me from just taking one pill to sleep.
Keeping me from making the cuts too deep.
I'm still somewhat careful.  
But honestly, why should care anymore?
Is there really any reason to stay on this earth?
If there is someone let me know soon,
Before mommy finds me dead in my room.

I know I say it a lot,
But you're my strength.  
And I just wanna thank you for that.
For holding me and just letting me cry.
You didn't try to tell me it would be okay.
You didn't try to calm me down.
You just let me be sad.
And sometimes, that's all I need.
I need someone to hold me when I'm feeling low,
To remind me that I'm not alone.

Where do you turn when your path is straight?
How do you love when all you get back is hate?
Who do you talk to when everyone leaves?
In the middle of a war, how do you find peace?
Where do you find color, when your surroundings are black?
How do you find happiness when the only feelings you have are sad?
Who do you put your trust in, when everone else has betrayed?
In what do you find comfort in at the end of the day?
All of these questions,
I have yet to find an answer to.
If anyone has an answer,
Please come find me soon.

Every time I look at you I see  so much of myself.
*And you have no idea how much that scares me

I really do just want to scream

and shout

and let it all out.

*But I can't because people won't understand.

I love the times when the smiles arn't forced.
I love it when I can't stop laughing.
I love it when all the sorrow is dulled.
I love the people who make this possible.
I love how they are always there for me.
Making me smile.
Making me laugh.
All the jokes we have,
the relationships we've built.
All the long car rides, overnighters, team dinners.
I couldn't ask for better friends and more than that, family.
I love being truly happy when we are all together.
And I hate being apart.

I can't even begin to describe the way I feel in this moment.

I'm hurt.

I feel used.

I'm confused.

But most of all,

I'm curious...

Why the **** did you have to be the one to break me?

All I have are me, myself, and I.
I'm not enough.
Never have been.
Never will be.
So why do I even bother?

I know how the saying goes
Fall down seven times
Stand up eight
But I've come to the point where getting back up,
Isn't worth all this heartache

There are only so many times you can be broken
    before it becomes impossible to put the pieces back together.
       There are only so many times your heart can be torn
          before it becomes impossible to repair.
            There are only so many beatings you can take
               before you stop fighting back.
                  There is only so much tearing down that can be done
                     before it becomes impossible to be rebuilt.
                        There are only so many times you can fall
                           before you can't get back up.

Every day.
                      Every hour.
                                             Every minute.
                                                                        Every second.

I hate myself more and more.

                                                                                                     But every time I try to run away,
                                    
                                                        I get trapped by the truth;

                                                                                                                                                                     *That
                                                                                                                                                      everyone
                                                                                                                                              else
                                                                                                                                                      hates
                                                                                                                                                                me
                                                                                                                                                                      too.