Everyone's entitled to their own opinion.
And mine is this.

The loneliest moment is when you're sitting on your bed crying and you scroll through your contacts but end up putting your pone down in the end and not contacting anyone. Because 90% don't care at all, 9% are just curious, and that 1% left over. Well, they're starting to pull away too

**This is true loneliness

I hope you know how much I value you and your friendship.
You're as sweet to me as chocolate.
And that's a lot better than the sour patch kids that usually surround me.
If you wonder why I tell you every little thing that happens,
it's because you have my complete trust.
If you wonder why I always want to sit next to you at dinners or on the bench or in the car,
it's because every second with you counts to me.
If you wonder why I'm so clingy,
it's because I've lost a lot of people and I don't want to let you slip away.
I know I'm overly nice some,
I hope it doesn't bother you.
I just never want you to feel hurt.
I know what it's like to feel hurt by others and it would hurt me to see you that hurt.
If you wonder why I do everything I do,
it's cause I love you.

Your words pierced through my heart like a knife*

You really don't give two ***** about me do you.
How stupid was I to be fooled.
Again.
I thought maybe you'd change.
Decided to let you back it.
But now you're just another mistake.


Stop I don't wanna hear you talk about this. I just wanna have some fun with you

How could I be so stupid to think you actually give a **** about me?
How could I be so stupid to trust you in again?!

*I mean nothing to you

I promise you I'm not afraid to die

I see all of you crying.
Upset because you think it's finally come to an end;
but you're all wrong.
This is just the beginning of something new.
I know without a shadow of a doubt you're all going to go far in life.
How do I know this?
I know because I see that each and every one of you is special.
You've all touched peoples lives in one way or another.
Each of you have touchd my life.
44-Helping me when I couldn't remember a play as the 5.
22-Never failing to make me laugh with the weird things you do and say.
15-Giving me rides, letting me help you coach.
32-Showing me what true friendship is.
10-Always there with advice.
Every single one of you is amazing.
I know you're sad that this season has come to an end;
but where one journey stops...
another begins.

And even though the cut this time was an accident, it felt good and I didn't cry.

*And even though you always see me smiling, all I really want is to die

When you've lost everything you love
And everything that matters
Nothing else really matters to you anymore.
Because what else is there to lose?

It's you.
You.
It's always been you.
From the very beginning
All the way back to when we were little kids without a clue.
Running aroud the school yard in our uniforms.
It started as a cute little kid crush
Then we grew and feelings did too.
Middle school came and you made my heart skip beats when you looked at me in the hallways.
Then I was really sad cause you went onto highschool and we grew apart and I thought
owell it wasn't meant to be
But here we are again all these years later and somehow we've found each other again
And as I look back through old yearbooks and I find your pictures circled or with hearts around them I realize it's always been
You
No matter what no matter how I always ******* come back to you because it's you.
It's always ******* been you.
You...

I used to be afraid to die

Now I'm afraid to keep living

*I don't want to live without all of you

It's the last week of school
And I'm sitting here in bed crying because I'm scared.
And I'm scared because you'll be leaving.
And I don't want you to leave because you've been my hope and strength.
I don't know if you fully understand either
The way I look up to you.
All the locked messages from you on my phone.
The way my eyes scan the crowd for you between classes,
just hoping to make eye contact; maybe to reassure me that you havn't forgotten me.
Do you understand why I text you so much?
I simply want to just talk to you.
I feel like were not going to talk much soon, so I feel a need to get it all in now.
Maybe if you don't fully understand why I do all that I do,
think of the way you think about Bug.
Now do you understand?
I feel bad*
Because I want to get you a really nice graduation present,
but I just don't have the time to do what I was planning.
And I feel bad because I've gotten mad at you when I shouldn't.
And I've said things I shouldn't have, and I probably hurt you.
So I feel bad.
And I feel bad because I think I'm being selfish.
Not wanting you to leave.
Am I?

They say some people come and go and have little impact.
Others leave footprints on your heart.
I hope you know which one you are.
You have changed me in a way I will never be able to describe.
You have been a way better friend than I deserve.
You are beautiful and you are going to go far.
I believe in you. I love you. And I thank God for you every single day.

I call you a trouble maker because you got detention.  
But really it's because you're a thief.
You stole something very fragile of mine.
*please be careful with my heart

I don't know how much more I can take. I spend all my days smiling but all my nights crying. Every day it gets harder and harder to mask the pain the wells inside me. I walk around every day like my life is so great when really, I know that I'm just a huge mistake. People yell at everything I do. Everyone pushes me away or pulls themselves away. Everyone walks away from me. I care so much for others and I just get left out in the dust like a piece of trash. I don't even know if it's worth it to stick around anymore. I mean why should I? It's not like anyone would notice if I was gone anyways. I'm "too nice" appearently. Well guess what? I'm the way I am because I never want people to feel the pain that I'm in. I never want anyone to feel left out or unloved the way I do every single **** day of my life. I never want people to feel like they arn't really wanted or appricated. Whether it be in the classroom, on the court, where ever. Everone has a right to know that they are loved and cared about. I walk around all day and my eyes sting because I'm fighting back tears. Yet no one notices. For once it'd be so nice for someone not believe me when I tell them I'm okay. Sometiems I really want to admit it, but I just can't. I don't want to show that I'm weak. I have so many people I have to be strong for. I feel as if the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders and every day it weighs me down more and more. Every day it becomes more and more of a struggle to even get out of bed. Why should I get up to go walk around in a place where I'm not even wanted or appricated? Why do anything at all anymore? Why can't I just...not?

I was warming up tea and I put it in for a little too much time.
But it was too long so my tea boiled over and made a mess.
But that didn't mean I could never make tea again.
It just meant I had to wipe it up better and be more careful next time.
This reminded me of life.
That sometimes things bombard your life and everything happens at once.
And what happens?
You break
You boil over
But no matter what it is, not matter how much it hurts.
You just have to pick yourself up.
Brush off your hands.
And smile a little longer.

And so starts another day.
Here we go again.
The bullying, the abuse, the lies that never end.
Fighting my demons as I walk around.
So many people stomping me to the ground.
Here goes another day of trying to stay strong.
Fighting back tears, making the most of things that will go wrong.
Here goes another day forcing a smile.
Fighting my demons I've been fighting for a while

Everyday it gets harder to carry on.
Everyday it gets harder to stay strong.
Everyday I put on a fake mask.
Everyday I lie about things I get asked.
Everyday the mask gets thicker.
Everyday I feel like a plant starting to wither.
Everyday people ask "how are you?"
Everyday I lie saying, "great! and you?"
Everyday I realize that I have to carry on.
Everyday I realize its the struggles that make me strong.
Everyday I remind myself that though its stormy now, the clouds won't last forever.
Everyday I tell myself, for now I just have to bear this ****** weather.

I'm sorry I'm not thin enough
I'm sorry I'm such a ***** up
I'm sorry that I don't always have the best attitude
I'm sorry I'm such a mess
I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy.
But don't worry.
I'll be gone soon.
I won't be in your way anymore

*Im sorry I couldn't hold on

I shouldn't feel this good.
I shouldn't feel this much relief.
Dragging steel across my skin,
then staring as it bleeds.

Parents are supposed to build their children up.
So why are you tearing me down?
Parents are supposed to bandage the scrapes and cuts.
So why are you the one creating the scars?
Parents are supposed to calm their children down when they are upset.
So why am I more upset when you are around?
Parents are supposed to calm your fears.
So why am I more afraid when you are around?
Every time you open your mouth, another part of me breaks.
   I broke when you called me a freak.
      I broke when you told everyone; and made a joke out of me.
         I broke when you took my childhood away.
            I broke when you told me I'd never be good enough.
               I broke when you told me you gave up on me.
                  I broke when you told me I was a disappointment.
                     I break every day when you scream.
                        I break every time you don't say goodnight to me.
                           I break everytime I think of our relationship,
                              it breaks me because it shouldn't be this way.

But I think I'm falling in love with you*

Gotchu on my mind when I listen to all them love songs

So I guess it's true.
Everything is true.
You don't ever stop loving the first person you fell in love with.
You just deal with not having them in your life.
You learn new ways to go throughout your day.
You reconstruct your life.
It's almost as if you're building an entirely new life.
You no longer have to take another person into consideration when making plans.
And as freeing as that may be to some, to others it's as painful as being stabbed with a knife.
It's as if a part of you is empty.
The nights are suddenly longer and lonelier when you don't have the sound of his heartbeat lulling you to sleep.
The days are lonely too.
No sweet texts to brighten your day and make you smile.
No more daydreaming in class and drawing his name in hearts all over your notebook.
Losing your first love causes you to have to reconstruct routines.
It causes you to always wonder what more could have been.
But most of all, it reminds you that nothing last forever... And there is nothing we can do about it.

As I am dreaming, I start to feel you.
Soft small hands patting my face.
You pull on the blanket,
you pull my hair.
You've got my attention,
I know you're there.
I open my eyes and what do I see?
Cute bugs smile casted on me.
You giggle and coo;
and giggle some more,
you lose your balance and fall to the floor.
I smile a little and let out a giggle too,
because although I hate being woken up,
I could never get mad at you.
That mocha skin,
those big brown eyes.
That squeal of excitement when you are surprised.

So goodmorning bug,
I hope you slept well.
You are the reason I keep trudging through this hell.

Everything on the outside seems so great,
but on the inside everythings such a mess.
I put on an act every day,
Ive really become a good actress.
I can fool everyone with my smile,
they all thing I have it together.
In reality though,
Im falling apart.
Im closer to death than Ive ever been.
No one would notice or care.
Im just waiting for the right moment to be alone.
Say goodbye.

Nights are getting longer.
I lay in bed just staring at the celing.
Days are getting harder.
Due partly to the lack of sleep.
Partly because It's getting harder to pretend I'm not falling apart.
Every time someone says "How are you?"
I just want to pour my heart out.
Finally let someone know I'm not okay.
Or when I say,
"I'm good."
I just want someone to look me in the eye and say "I know you're not."
For once I don't want to feel invisible.
More and more tears stream down my face
The pain wells inside until I break.
Silver steel friends coming out to play.
I do my best, but it's never enough.
I do my best to stay strong,
but I won't lie...it's tough.
I don't really trust anyone anymore,
I have my past to thank for that.
You see, I try my hardest day in and day out...
but really I just want to lay down.
Six feet under.
Underground.

Why do you insist on doing this to me?
Hurting me over and over again.
Was my love not enough?
I was always the one who never gave up on you,
though I had a million reasons to.
I guess I just knew that somewhere inside you there was a fragil boy.
Someone who was at the edge of a clif ready to jump.
Reaching out for anyone to hold onto to.
So I grabbed you and didnt let go,
and I still dont want to.
But now you insist that I let go.
Let go of all the memories, talks, stories.
Everything.
But I cant, every day it haunts me.
If you really want me to let go, then Ill have to leave this place.
Say goodbye.
Slip into the darkness of nothingness.
If you insist.

Cute boy moves in next door.
Girl falls for boy, nothing you've never heard before.
The cute boy that moved in up the road
He's really quite cute and and cares about her, it shows.
The boy and girl, they start to hang out.
Girl falls for boy without a doubt.
Now what happens next some of you may ask?
Well the boy and girl grow closer as time goes past.
Staying up late.
Sneaking out.
Empty bottles.
Pipes all around.
One thing leads to another,
Three beers turns to four.
But neither of you pass out,
Just wait there's more.
The couch is too small so they move to the bed.
His candy sweet words fill the girls head.
The hours pass by.
Two fades to three.
The sun starts to rise as their eyes meet.
A final kiss before they close their eyes.
A girl and the boy next door,
Sleeping peacefully side by side.

Ive told everyone Im over you
and everyone believes me.
I act like I dont care that your gone
but its all lies.
And everyone believes them so easily.
But honestly, I dont know if Ill ever get over you. Ever forget you.
I can still remember everything you said.
All the times you held me in your arms.
Whispered I love you.
My heart still aches, every ******* day.
Everytime I hear your name, it feels as if my heart is going to be torn out of my chest.
I feel sick to my stomach like Im going to puke when people talk about you.
Tears still flow for you, every **** night.
Every night I dream of you, your face haunts me in my sleep.
Because honestly I still love you.
I always have.
And I always will.

And my bestfriend doesn't even see that I'm
Crying
Screaming
Pleading
*Someone please save me

I am 100%

So completely

Utterly

And without a single doubt,

In love with you

Every single part and ounce of me longs for you.

**I don't know if I've ever wanted anyone more than I want you

I found all the old letters.
I read them all again, some twice through.
Smiling with all the sweet words you said.
Remembering how you said you missed me.
Reminicing on you telling me you wanted nothing more than just to hold me.
I found your old sweater.
The one you gave me that one day in the snow.
We spent hours outside acting like children.
Once we were done I was numb,
though you were freezing youself, you gave it to me selflessly.
Every now and than I put it on.
Sit on my bed all wrapped up in you.
I can smell you on it,
so badly I wish you were next to me in this bed again
I found our old pictures.
All our good times.
The endless memories.
Back when things were simple, happy, unbroken.
I found myself in tears.*
Thinking of everything we had.
I thought it would last forever.
We shared so much;
secrets, tears, laughs, and smiles.
Everytime I find something,
I break a little more.

It's the same reoccurring dream over and over again.
The same images playing over in my head.
I can't close my eyes, the images immediately appear.
I'm sleep deprived, always facing the same nightmare.
Waking up screaming gasping for air.
Begging God please don't take him, it's not fair.

Daddy no.
Daddy please don't go.
I still need you
Even more than you know.
Who's going to be there to walk me down the isle?
Who's going to pull out the shotgun when a boy takes away my smile.
Who's going to fix the leaks in the roof?
Or **** the spiders that lurk in my room?
Who's going to check the closet for monsters or fight off the ones under my bed?
Who's going to calm the fears that run through my head?
Who's going to teach my kids someday how to catch the biggest fish?
Or how to turn last nights leftovers into a fresh new dish?
Daddy no
Please don't go
Can't you see I still need you,
More than you know.

I'm getting bad again
The sadness inside just continues to grow.
I hate breaking promises,
But can I please just let go?

I don't even really know what I'm writing or what I'm saying right now. All I know is I have a million things and a million voices in my head and they're going to be the end of me. Or maybe it'll be society that'll be the end of me. Or maybe it's the boy that works the drive through. Maybe he's the one that's really driving me crazy. My head is spinning around a million miles an hour and I don't know how to stop it.
You're ugly
You're fat
Your skins not prefect
You too white
Your hair is frizzy
Your outfit doesn't match
He's never going to like you
No one will ever love you
You're worthless
You're not good enough
You're a ****
Don't eat
**** yourself
The blades are still under the mattress
SOMEONE MAKE THE VOICES STOP
Please...
*Im begging you

I fell for you like the rain fell from the sky.
At first suddenly, then all at once.

I fell for you like the bolt of lightening.
Violently and strong.

I fell for you like the clap of thunder.
Loudly and fearfully.

You fell for me the way the way birds swim in the sea.
*That'd only happen in my dreams

Higher than a cloud, I'm never coming down.
I like the was it feel up here.
All the pain is numb, the voices in my head remind me of what I've become.
All the painful symphony's dead.

I cant do this.
I don't know how to go on.
Daddy please come back.
I'm really not that strong.

What did we really fall into?

In the beginning we fell into friendship.
We had the same interests, we got along.
We could talk for hours about nothing and everything.
Playing  jokes on each other all the time, making fun of one another, laughing until we couldn't breathe.
It was magical.
Then the magic became even more powerful.
Soon it was phone calls, letters, spending every moment we could together.
Deep conversations, spending time with each others families.
I just cant forget the was your lips felt so soft on mine.
The way hot hot skin felt pressed againt me.
My heart beating faster than a druggies.
Then I guess it became just physical.
I felt the love drifting away.
But I kept telling my self that since I'd given you a part of me,
maybe youd stay.
**** my thoughts. My stupid decieving thoughts.
Because then, I dont know where we fell;
but it was terrifying.
The distance grew.
Conversations got shorter.
Eye contact got awkward.
And I couldn't even look at you without tears welling up in my eyes.
Why'd you make me say goodbye?
What did we really fall into?
Love? Lust? Hate?
Or was it just a neverending pit?