What did we really fall into?

In the beginning we fell into friendship.
We had the same interests, we got along.
We could talk for hours about nothing and everything.
Playing  jokes on each other all the time, making fun of one another, laughing until we couldn't breathe.
It was magical.
Then the magic became even more powerful.
Soon it was phone calls, letters, spending every moment we could together.
Deep conversations, spending time with each others families.
I just cant forget the was your lips felt so soft on mine.
The way hot hot skin felt pressed againt me.
My heart beating faster than a druggies.
Then I guess it became just physical.
I felt the love drifting away.
But I kept telling my self that since I'd given you a part of me,
maybe youd stay.
**** my thoughts. My stupid decieving thoughts.
Because then, I dont know where we fell;
but it was terrifying.
The distance grew.
Conversations got shorter.
Eye contact got awkward.
And I couldn't even look at you without tears welling up in my eyes.
Why'd you make me say goodbye?
What did we really fall into?
Love? Lust? Hate?
Or was it just a neverending pit?

Is trying to convince myself that I'm not head over heals in love with you.

You know,
I love you but sometimes I get very upset.
All you seem to care about lately is partying.
All I want is one night with you.
Sober nights can be fun too
Just one night where you're not working.
You're not with your boyfriend.
Just you and me.
I mean is that too much to ask?
For Gods sake I just had surgery.
Can't you just stay with me while I recover?
Or is that buzz and that high more important than me?

"How'd you sleep?"
Good

I didn't, I never do

"How was school?"
Good

It's full of ******* ******* and hypocrites

"How are your friends doing?"
Good

I don't know, they don't talk to me anymore

"How are you?"
Good

**I'm screaming inside, can anyone hear me?!

It may not seem like a lot to you.
But it means the world to me.
Sitting in your room for hours on end;
music playing in the background.
Laying on the bed for hours on end.
Each of us on our phones in our own worlds;
but at the same time, we are in a world together.
Just our own little world
Not feeling the need to entertain each other constantly,
but when we do have something to say...
all the silence fades away.
I love borrowing your clothes.
It brings me comfort.
Smelling your perfume all day;
it's comforting knowing that at least some part of you is with me.
It may not mean much to you,
that we have the same music interests or that you know every last secret about me.
But it makes me incredibly happy that I don't have to be fake around you.
You accept me as I am;
And that means the world.
It may not seem like much to you when you ask for rides,
or when we go out to lunch.
But it brings me joy
Windows down
music blasting.
Not a care in the world.
Just me and my bestfriend
I love getting lost with you.
Driving all around trying to figure out which way to go,
whcih exsit to take.
You probably think nothing of it
Though, I love it.
Because that extra time we spend lost is just more time I get to spend with you.
You may not think about the future,
but I do all the time.
It terrifies me when I get the thought of you not being in it.
**Because you mean the world to me

Comets, asteriods, falling stars.
All said to be destructive forces that do nothing but destroy right?
But, why do they have to be destructive?
When I think of falling stars,
I think of light flying through the sky.
Giving light to everything in its path.
I thought you were my falling star
Someone sent into my life to bring me joy and light.
Something to wish and hope for at night.
Like many people do while watching the stars in the fields.
But in reality, you were the opposite.
You came into my life and at first, I was blinded by your smile.
I fell in love with you.
You were my everything, I gave you everything.
All my secrets, hopes, dreams, and fears.
You were the light of my life
my falling star
Creating light not destruction right?
WRONG
Because then you left, how dare you.
You made me feel so strong and important, then you tore me down to nothing.
You destroyed everything I hope for. All the dreams and plans we had.
Burnt down to nothing.
So I guess my theory was wrong, right?
Falling stars really dont light the world.
They just destroy.

Not feeling anything is a pretty attractive option when you don't like what you're feeling.

*Perhaps death will hurt a lot less than life

Too numb and need to feel?
visit my steel friends under the mattress

Feeling too much and want to be numb?
visit my glass bottled friends hidden in my closet

Feeling stressed and need to settle down?
visit my smelly green friends, breathe them in slowly

Too many thoughts and can't sleep?
visit my friends in daddy's medicine cabinet, he won't notice

**what if I visited more than one friend at once?

Her smile turned to tears,
her hopes turned to fears.
Her dreams turned to nothing,
shes wishing for something.
Her days were slowly slipping away,
shes trying to be strong but shes starting to fade.
Her mask is so flawless,
she acts like she could care less.
Her hearts broken...
This isnt the life she had chosen.

I've been here before
I've knocked on this door
And now that it's open again I can't get it closed.
As I walk through the doorframe
of saddness and shame
I walk into a place that seems full of hate
This place is so dark, so lifeless and black,
it's an ongoing tunnel that makes me feel sad.
As I walk on and try to find a way out,
All the faces around me are full of judging thoughts and doubt.
This place is so cold.
I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well.
I've fallen into hell.
But when I turn for the door,
it is not that which I find.
It's the realization
that I'm inside my own mind.

I've had quite a few people ask me for advice about high school lately. I keep just telling each person the same things.
~Don't skip class.
~Turn in assignments on time.
~Listen to teachers.
~Don't party, drink, smoke...
All the same basic stuff anyone would probably tell an incoming freshmen friend. In reality though, I'm a hypocrite.
Every time another person asks I just want to scream
DON'T BE LIKE ME
But I can't say that to anyone, because then they would ask what was so wrong with me.
And I can't tell them because then this fake me will come unraveled.
All that will be left is a scared little girl.
So...
~Don't skip class
~Turn in assignments on time.
~Listen to teachers
~Don't party, drink, smoke...
And for everyones sake...
**DON'T BE LIKE ME

Mama please don't,
please do not cry.
I promise you it'll be alright.
I'll take the beating this time, I'll put up the fight.
Mama please, just dry your eyes;
*I promise you everything will be alright.

I hope you know.
I really hope you know that right now,
you're by far one of the only things keeping me holding on.
I hope you know that the simple little things you say,
they make my day.
My bestfriend doesn't even say things like that to me.
I hope you know you're keeping me holding on.

I can't explain why you're so important to me.
I'm not in love with you.
We've never been intimate.
Never even held hands.
There's no feelings between us,
but yet so many.
Maybe it's the way we've know each other since we were kids,
playing tag all day on the playground.
Or maybe the way we just got close last year,
but if feel like we've known each other for eternity.
Could it be how much we have in common?
Music, movies, star gazing.
Maybe it's the way we can talk for hours about nothing and everything.
One minute talking about what our favorite tupac song is, the next crying in each other's arms because cancer took him from me, and now he's taking her from you.
Maybe I like the way I feel so safe and comfortable around you.
Knowing you'll always stick up for me like you did the other night.
Are you important because I like the way my names roles off your tongue?
Or maybe it's the drunk conversations at 2am.
Or the 4am car rides,
both of us too high and tired to even know what we're saying.
Spilling all our secrets.
Maybe you're important because you're so much like me.
And if I can't save myself,
*at least maybe I can save you

God, please keep watch over him.
Please give the surgeon steady hands.
If I lose another person, I wont be able to stand it.
You've take my baby cousin.
You've taken Sophie and Cynthia.
You took my big brothers first baby away from him.
Please don't take him away from me.
It's not fair.
To lose everyone I love.
To break more and more every day because I feel like it should have been me to go;
not them.
Feeling like I should have been the baby who wasn't strong enough.
Feeling like I should have been the one in that boat.
Feeling like I should have been the baby who came home to meet you before my family even met me.
The hole in my heart is big enough.
Please,
just let Grandpa be okay.
I have enough guardian angels in the sky,
I need this one to stay here on earth;
right by my side.
*Please

but every midnight poem is about him

Like maybe speed.
That way I could run far away
So you aren't the one that has to find me

And I can count on a single hand the number of people that cared enough to text me and say happy birthday...

Someone just wake me up from this nightmare

Because congratulations
It ******* worked.
You've belittled me down to nothing.
I don't even know my own worth.

There's just something about you.
The way you walk
The way you talk
The way I get lost in your eyes.
The way every time your name lights up my phone I get butterflies
And everytime you smile at me my heart stops.
You make me giddiy like a little ******* Christmas
And every ounce of me is falling in love with you

Sweet little angel watching over us all,
you're the one that catches us whenever we fall.
Sweet baby boy flighing high up above,
every thought of you we have is full of love.
Though your time here was too short and we had to say goodbye,
you will forever be the apple of our eyes.
It wasn't fair how soon from us you had to part,
but you will live forever in our hearts.

You took my hand
You held me tight
You told me everything would be alright
You gave me courage, when I was afraid
You always find ways to brighten my day
You make me believe, that I am not alone
You understand me more than anyone I know
You came into my life at the perfect time,
And you understand whats running through my mind.
Im so thankful to have someone like you in my life.
Sometimes your words are all that get me through the night ♥

I really wish you would have been there.
I wonder if it would have made you proud.
To see me back finally starting again.
I wish you could have seen me finally make my free throws.
I wanted you to see the look in my eyes when I made my layups.
Everytime I did something good,
I found myself looking into the crowd for your approval.
Only to find no one.
I'm not going to lie and say I didn't have a good weekend.
I played well.
I scored.
Got tons of minutes.
I can honestly say I feel like I left it all on the floor.
But there is one thing that could have made this weekend better;
you.
I know you didn't even have importanat plans either.
You were just dinkering around in the yard and going to the bar.
Couldn't you just take one weekend for me?
I just want to show you that I'm worth it.
That I can do it.
I want to prove to you that this isn't just a waste of your money.
I want so badly to make you proud.
*But I can't do that if you're not there.

If I could rewind time-
I would go back and fix my life.
I'd make good choices.
I'd make sure they were wise.
I'd go back to the beginning.
I'd go back to the start.
I'd go back and find a way to keep my life from falling apart.
I'd block certain people out.
And let others in.
I'd erase all thoughts of wanting my life to end.
If I could fastforward time-
I'd find out what will become of my life.
I'd find out all the mistakes I would make.
I'd find out all the risks I would take.
I'd find out all the stupid **** I would do.
I'd find out if I would ever have to courage to tell you *******.
I'd find out a was to avoid all the problems I would have to face.
I'd find out what I would have to deal with day after day.
But for now I have to live in the present-
I have to deal with all the constant surprise.
I have to deal with all the lies.
I have to deal with all the crap.
I have to realize that I may never get my life back.
I have to carry on day after day.
Even though all I want to do is run away.

There's never been a stronger urge to just **** myself.

What a wonderful way to settle the day and head into night.
Your best friend, hot tea, and a pipe

Make it hard to fall asleep because when I close my eyes
I remember
That night last week.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I remember the way you looked at me.
I remember the way you said my name.
I can still feel the hot prickles of your skin against mine.
I remember the taste of your kiss upon my...
              Lips
                  
                   Neck

                          Hips....

It wasn't supposed to mean anything...

    **So why do I suddenly still care so much

They're the scary ones.
The,
What if I don't stop at the light?
And I let that semi hit me
What if I veered a little to the right
Let the guard rail crush me like stone
What if I went so fast around those turns I couldn't control the wheel?
Id like to tumble down the hill and say goodbye
What if I decided to make it home safely?
But pressed a little harder in the tub
What if I didn't wake up tomorrow?
*What would you do?

Who the hell are you?
It's like I don't even know you anymore.
Helf the time when I look at you all I wonder is
where did my bestfriend go?
We made so many promises to each other
That we would stand by each other.
That we would help one another.
That we wouldn't let high school get the best of us.
I meant it when I said it, but it's pretty obvious you didn't.
Parties every weekend.
Opening yourself up to anyone and everyone.
You complain you get taken advantage of too much, but it's your own fault.
Is it hard being that easy?
You complain that guys keep hurting you because they only want you for your body
and then they leave you...
well here's a little thought;
say NO once in a while
Holy **** is it that hard to stand up for yourself?
You told me you feel bad about all the things you've done with him.
And him.
And him.
You said you feel like you made a mistake...
but then you go and do it again.
It's the same story time and time again.
Listen though,
the first time you do something it's a mistake.
Every time after that,
it's a choice.

And maybe I care to much.
But honestly even though your writing wrench my heart,
I'd rather read your writings because then at least I know you're okay.

As I read tears well in my eyes.
All I can think is "Don't give up, not tonight."
Or the next.
Or the next.
And every next day after that.
Don't give up.
I love you.
I want you.
I need you.
I know it's hard, but please Kay.
It'll be alright.

You told me before that if you had to live on this hell hole of a planet, then I did too.
Now I'm going to say the same back to you.
I know it's hard.
I know it hurts.
But please,
just hold on.
I promise you...
It will be alright.

The monsters don't live under the bed or in the closet anymore.
They live inside my head.
They feed on my heart.
They still scare the living **** out of me.
Maybe now, even more so then when I was little.
Because when I was young, mommy or daddy could make them go away;
check behind the closet doors...peek under the bed.
Give me a kiss, tuck me in, and my fears would melt away.
But now that Iv'e grown up, I have to face the monsters alone.
Mommy and Daddy can't calm my fears anymore.
I face the monsters by myself;
and Iv'e never been so afraid.

Things change and people do to.
It just ***** when the ones changing are the ones you never though would leave you.