Why are you so tired you just had two extra days off of school**

The thing is though,
The tiredness I feel can't be relieved.
There are not enough minutes, hours, days, months, or years of sleeping that could cure the tiredness I feel.
No amount of sleep will get rid of the weariness I feel.
You see, although I do not sleep much because of the never ending nightmares.
I am more worn from having to drag myself out of bed every morning.
Paint on the smile.
Pile the coverup on my wrists.
My heart feels so heavy.
My mind is overwhelmed.
You see, no amount of sleep could cure the tiredness inside me.

All week I've been dreading friday.
Because I know you're leaving.
Part of me is happy.
You're going to do and see great things.
It's time for a new chapter in life.
But the other part of me is beyond sad.
Because, what if i never see you again?
And what if I can't see you before you leave?
The thought of that breaks my heart.
You mean so much to mean and you always will.
I love you.
And I am forever changed my who you are and the friendship you have blessed me with.

She has many hidden talents,
She never let's anyone see.
But her biggest talent is hiding herself from the world,
She can't let them see.

It's amazing how fast a year can go by.
I still remember that day like it was yesterday.
That sweet day in May.
I remember waking up to a text, "Your sister is in labor."
I think I smiled bigger than I ever have before.
I was so anxious all day.
I had a tournament that day too.
We had just finished our game and I checked my phone.
I saw the message, with a picture attached.
A picture of you.
And while everyone was happy and estatic that we had won,
I had joy in my heart because you were finally here,
After all those long months that never seemed to end, you were finally here.

I remember the day your mom told me she was pregnant with you.
I remember all the days I spent with her while she had never ending morning sickness.
Helping her take care of the house and your sisters.
The sickness never seemed to go away.
I remember that day in class when my ***** sent me a text.
It's a boy!
I was so happy I screamed with excitement.
Everyone turned to look at me but I didn't are.
All I cared about in that moment was you.

I remember the day they brought you home.
I got to hold you for the very first time that night.
I fell in love instantly.
You looked so peaceful wrapped up in that blanket.
Your eyelids flutterling.
Your chest falling and rising with every breath you took;
because you were finally here.
And you were beautiful.
The days and months started to pass and you grew with every passing day.
I watched in awe.
I loved seeing you learn to crawl,
then stand on your own,
then walk.
Now starting to form tiny words.
You are growing into such a handsome big boy.
But you will always be my little bug.

I am literally about to scream.
At my own ******* teammates.
Stop the comments about her.
Stop putting her on the side of "I know why he's being why he's being"
No you don't.
You have no idea even half the situation.
So just shut the **** up.
She's not a bad person, she's just had a rough life.
She's just a scared girl going through a hard time.
But honestly aren't we all?
Stop ******* judging her.
Worry about yourselves.
Please.

Don't cry and say you love me while you're standing at my grave.
Maybe if you'd told me before this wouldn't have happened in the first place.
Don't visit my grave every week bringing flower and reminiscing on old memories.
Maybe if you made more of an effort to talk to me we could have made new memories.
Don't look to the skies at night telling me you miss me asking me why.
Maybe if you'd cared this much before,
I wouldn't be six feet under the floor.

How dare you?
How dare you go and break her like that?
How can you tell her you love her, yet say you don't want to be with her?
Did it make you happy, when you saw all those tears streaming down her face?
She has been hurt enough.
And you know that.
Think of everything she has told you about her past.
Her family, her dad, her stepmom.
She's been broken down enough in the past.
You were the thing that built her back up.
You were the one who changed things for her.
Do you know how much you mean to her?
I don't know if you have any clue.
You know, you're lucky your bigger than me.
If you weren't, I'd be out of my mind to not kick your ***.
How dare you do this.
She is my bestfriend.
She doesn't deserve this.
She doesn't deserve to cry herself to sleep.
She doesn't deserve to have to hide tears.
The ones you caused
She doesn't deserve to be torn down to nothing.
She gave you everything.
Literally.
And all you gave her was a broken heart.
How dare you?

I haven't eaten barely anything in two days.
I'm sick to my stomach all day,
just the smell of food makes me want to *****.
I'm tired beyond belief;
but I cannot sleep.
Everytime my eyes close I see you.
You haunt my dreams.
It really isn't fun to wake up screaming.
All day long you consume my thoughts.
Every little thing remind me of you.
Suddenly, I feel sick again.
Maybe I'm being selfish,
I mean maybe I should be happy for you.
At the same time though, I wish it were me.
I wish I was the one holding you at night.
I wish I was your goodmorning kiss.
...I wish I was the one having your baby...
I wish I didn't get so sick thinking of you.
Running out of church in the middle of service,
breaking down in the bathroom;
crying on the floor...
Thats not me.
Ive always been the one to hold it together.
I never let anyone see my hurt.
I guess you're my weakness.
My sickness.
If you wanted to,
you could be my cure.

My lounges burn.
My body shakes.
My eyes are
                        F
                            A
       ­                           L
                                    ­   L                  
                                            I
                  ­                              N
                                 ­                      G.

**But no longers do my eyes sting from salty tears.
Say goodbye to trembling from neverending nightmares.
Sweet dreams. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Your names on my birth certificate.
Your DNA runs through my blood.
I have your eyes.
But those are just small physical things.
They say sometimes your dad isn't just the one who helped to give you life,
but the one who actually stands by you.
Cares about you...
and proves it.
At times, you've been more of a dad to me than my real dad ever was.
Ever is.
He gets so disappointed in everything I do.
Grades. Sports. Life.
He yells over everything I bring home from school,
so I dont bring anything home anymore.
If I need something signed for class, I come to you instead.
You never scream. Never yell.
Instead, you just encourage me to do better.
You help me to understand more.
He gets frustrated that I play so much.
But I love it, and I dont know if he gets that.
Instead of being encouraging and supporting, he gets mad over it all.
Another late practice. Another tournament.
Well guess what?
Winners arn't made by sitting on the couch.
Im glad you understand that.
You're always so encouraging and helpful to me.
Picking me up for class.
Staying after your girls are done to give me a ride when Im done.
Simply telling me I had a good game.
Sometimes thats more than he ever does.
Sometimes he doesnt even come.
Sometimes, he doesnt support me in anything.
Even when he knew I was at my lowest point, he kicked me while I was down.
But you didnt. You dont.
You found out what I was doing to myself, and you never once judged me.
You're always there to crack jokes and make me smile.
You're always there for me.
Whether I text you in the middle of the day or the middle of the night.
Thank you.
For all that you've done. All that you do.
I couldn't ask for a better coach than you.

Seriously where the **** are you. I need you now more than ever and I don't know where you are. You've stood by my side since my freshmen year, please don't leave me now. Please. I need you. My rock my anchor my semicolon. Where the **** are you....

My parents think it's just the flu.
I guess it could be if love could get you sick.
I feel queasy all the time.
I can't keep food down.
I'm tired and my body aches.
I tremble and shake.
My head pounds and spins.
But it's just the flu right?
No
I may be sick,
but it is nothing that can be cured by a doctor.
No amount of medicine can make this go away.
There is no cure for the hole in my heart.
Do you know what it's like?
I bet you haven't got the slightest clue.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to try to live with a hole in your heart?
To lie on the floor screaming.
Begging for the pain to stop.
Before you know it,
you're racing for the bathroom.
Running to the toliet.
Your stomach hurts from sobbing.
Here comes dinner.
I go back and curl up in bed.
Tired and aching.
Mom comes in and ask if she can do anything.
I just tell her I do not feel well.
Who knew love could make you so sick.
I miss you.
Every time I think of you;
every word you say to me...
it all just makes me sick.
**But it's just the flu right?

Every night I'm afraid I won't get to give you a hug again in the morning.

Every morning I'm afraid that when I say goodbye for school, it's really just goodbye.

Every day I'm afraid I'm going to come home and you won't be here.

Your body will be here, but your soul...

taken home...

*Daddy please don't go

For so long
And especially this year, I've been forcing laughter.
Faking smiles.
But then you came along and changed everything.
When our eyes lock I get butterflies in my tummy.
When your name lights up my phone I swear my smile could light up the night sky.
I can't even control it,
It just overflows.
You know how in the movies there's always that one girl?
You know the one smiling like an idiot walking by herself through the halls?
You've turned me into that idiot girl.
And the scary part is,
*I'm beginning to like it

And she's trying her hardest to fall asleep but she can't because every time she closes her eyes, she's terrified of what she sees.

I scroll through Instagram and Facebook and there's even stuff on snapchat of all these people that are so happy and celebrating their dads and it's not fair. Because all I have is pictures to stare at and wish he was here but no matter how much I stare and scream and beg God... He's not gonna come back. No matter how much I miss how. How much I need him. How much I want him he's gona. And I'm never gonna be able to accept that. And it's 9:30 at night in summer and I should be out with friends but I'm not because I'm too sad so I'm just laying here in bed curled in a ball crying so hard I can't breathe writing this stupid ******* paragraph because he's never coming back... And I can't cope with that...

I really think that someone should have a video camera on me when I'm high because I say a lot of ****. And I mean some of that ***** pretty deep and meaningful and then also the comedian in me comes out. Or maybe the clown that makes everyone laugh. I don't really like clowns though. I mean honestly the whole idea and creepy. I mean god knows who the person in that costume could be. He could be the friendly neighbor hood mail man but what if he's a childmolester? And how are we gonna know the difference. My lips are really chapped. I really like this song. Linkin park speaks to me so well. Ahhh now three down doors. Love me when I'm gone. Since you obviously didnt love me before. Isn't that so sad? The way society has utterly ****** with the teenage mind.
Society says "you're ugly. You're not smart enough. You're not thin enough. You're not pretty. You're useless. No one wants you here." So then we finally had enough. We explode. We go insane. We have had enough society says "she was so beautiful in every way and so talented. Oh she had so many people that loved her" it's ****** up. Walking around every day never knowing who you're true friends are. Always wondering whose going to turn their back on you next. Always wondering if all the days I missed practice this season someone would say "it so much nicer without her here. She's so annoying." Always wondering if that "best friend" I made when I was a freshmen and she was a senior. Not she's in humbolt. Anyways I wonder if she remembers she's supposed to be my maid of honor someday. I haven't head from her in so long. There's so much I need to tell her. The pregnancy. The miscarriage. The "am I crazy for wanting to be pregnant again" even though I'm only 17. I'm 17. Almost 18. *******. It's kinda scary. Cause then society comes back and bases our whole lives on what we did during the hardest part of our lives. The part of our lives where our voices in our head scream "don't eat. You're ugly. You'll never be loved. You should **** yourself" and after a while you have to take a blade to your skin because it's the only pain you can control but also it's the only way you can feel anything at all if that even makes sense to feel nothing and everything at all once. And none of this probably even makes sense. So sorry for that. But my mind is a scary messy place. Terrifying and dark. Wow im high. Because the world so low and I wonder what movie Bug saw tonight man I wanted to go with her so bad. But I can't. Cause I'm grounded. Cause they they had to show that picture to my mom. I think I covered it pretty well but my life's hell now. She won't let me do anything and I'm her little ***** because if I talked back at all she'll take everyone. But it's so ******* stupid. Like ahhh ****. ****.  I swear to god I'm going to punch something. Mom even made me talk to people at church. I don't wanna ******* talk about it but if I don't ******* my way through it I can't do my senior project with Danielle and that ******* *****. Well guess wahat. I don't want to talk about it. Of course I'm not okay and you best get off your high horse if you think you are so much better than anyone else who want to talk to me and I won't. I don't even know where I'm going with this. Any of this. Especially my life. I'm really bummed the field trip got postponed. The Nuremberg trials. We were actually gonna simulate them at the court house. Gotta wait two more weeks now. ******* ****. I think I love history too much. I can't even tell you why. It just fascinates me. Something about the heartache and despair I can somehow relate you deep down. Especially during the world wars or the holocaust. Wow I'm tired. And it colds. Wow I'm ******* horney too. Sorry if that was tmi. I miss him. His body against me. A man ni. H ar der. Ha ar dar oh oh ohhhhh. What did I just write. What. Wow I'm really tired. AHHH. My favorite song is on. If you were dead or still alive. I don't care. Such good lyrics. I should text mark and tell him I'm listening to apoctalyptica. Or wait maybe I should text nick. Wait I don't think he's done working. Wait what. It's almost one in the morning. Thad why he's asleep. But I'm 100% fallingig jn love with him. Holy crap it's bad. He's 21. I'm probably just some little kid girl to me. But we're talking outside of work and he's my bestfriend on snapchatting but can you be more than a bestfriend on snapchat? Can you be in real life? Wht about my forever? Can you be my forever? And ******* I just looked at the clock and I started writing and babling at 12:17 and ******* I don't even have the slightest clue of what all I said

It may seem like nothing to you,
but now I look at it different.
Most people would see a deck of cards as nothing special.
For most, it's just a simple way of entertainment.
But for me, I look at them differently now.
A deck of cards can almost resemble society.
There's different shapes and colors.
Different values.
Isn't that how we are in the world today?
You see the aces and face cards,
they're like gold.
They're high in value.
Everyone wants them.
They're simply perfect.
Then there's the number cards.
You know,
two though ten.
They're nothing too special.
Sure sometimes they can be helpful and useful,
but most of the time they just get overlooked don't they?
Then there's the jokers.
Many people don't need them.
They throw them out or throw them to the side.
Or people just simply laugh at Jokers.
They're useless right?

So now walking around, think about this.
Who are you?
Who do you make others feel like they are?
Do you smile at and be kind to everyone around you?
Treating them as those spotless ace and face cards?
Or do you just overlook people?
Is everyone a number card to you?
And I hate to ask, but are you the bully who makes everyone feel like a joker?
Do you tease, or ignore people?
Making them feel like the most unwanted people in the world?

So the next person you see, really stop and think;
how valuable is this person going to feel after an encounter with me?

You treat me like I have a disease.
Like Im sick and if you come to close youll catch it,
but its not contagious I wish you could just see.

You see me around everywhere. For Gods sake I live with you.
But you still keep your distance
As if this so called disease is going to leave me and enter you.
You dont know the real me,
You dont  know the girl whos lost.
And hurt.
You judge me, but then turn around and say you love me.
I dont understand

How can you say you love me then turn around and abuse me?
Do you think I just let it go because I pretend I dont care.
No I dont, it tears me up inside and bring me right back to where this mess all began.
You pushed me to this.
Your words and actions push me further into this,
and still you act as if Im the one at fault.
Im the one with the disease.
But the only cure,
is your apology.
Which I know will never come.

I said "I'll see you tomorrow"
But tomorrow never came.
God decided that he needed you back home with him again.
On January 31st God said "your work on earth is done"
I sure will miss you dearly,
but man did we have some fun.
I remember every Saturday from back when I was real young,
You took me up to the lake, we spent all day in the sun.
You taught me how to bait a hook,
An even clean a fish.
You taught me how to cast my line then reel in once it was time.
I remember when you built my mini bike.
All with your bear hands.
You taught me how to ride it and mended my wounds when I crashed.
I remember the days we spent out by our pool,
The weather was warm but the water was refreshing and cool.
You didn't usually come in, maybe once or twice.
But when you did, oh boy was it nice.
I remember climbing on your shoulders and you launching me in the air.
Across the pool id make a big splash
And a big rain shower in the air.
I remember how we used to pick our vegetables in the garden,
We both agreed that after growing our own food store bought things taste pretty rotten.
I remember the time we traveled across the country.
Making fun of people on the plain,
We thought we were pretty funny.
I remember all the motorcycle rides,
The wind flowing through our hair.
Not always knowing exactly where we were going
But as long as we were together I didn't care.
I remember how hard you worked day in and day out.
You were always so selfless, you had a big heart, that I do not doubt.
You always were willing to lend a helping hand.
People knew they could count on you when things got out of hand.
I remember the way you smiled, and your big boisterous laugh.
You were always cracking jokes.
Always using humor to blow off steam and smoke.
I remember you calling me your little bug.
You squeezing me tight, I loved your big bear hugs.
I remember all the little things you use to do.
I'll remember you always.
I'll always love you.

Sitting here looking out the window and the light
It goes on
Then off
Then on
Then off.
No ones near the switch.
On
Off
On
Off.
Is that you Opa?
Are you trying to tell us somethig?
Beg us to let you back in. Not forget?
Please don't worry, do not fret.
We're always going to love you.
We're never going to forget

Every day it gets one day closer to the end; and every day I get more and more scared. In a few months it will all be over. We will be out for summer, and you will be gone. Off on the next chapter in your life. I wish I could just freeze time. Stop it right in its tracks. That way I would never have to say goodbye. I want to just stay in this year forever, you a senior me a sophomore. I don't want to say goodbye. Will I ever hear from you? Will I see you again? I am scared to death you are going to forget about me. But I pray to God that you won't. Every night I beg Him "please don't let me lose her." I am terrified I am going to lose one of my bestfriends. I am scared I am going to lose the one who came along and changed everything for me. You gave me a different outlook on things. All the little things you do, all the little things you say; they mean more than you know. Simple things really. Chin up. "Chin up" you always say. "Stay strong" you always say. You are living proof that I am not in this war alone. You are my rock. You give me hope. A friend is an angel who lifts you up when your own wings have forgotten how to fly. You are my angel. You give me strength to get through the day. You picked me up when I had hit rock bottom. You have kept me from drowning all this time. When I fall, you catch me. Instead of letting me hit the cold hard ground. Who is going to be my strength when you are gone? Who is going to throw me a rope when the waves start to consume me? Because if you have not noticed, I am not too good at being strong on my own. Are we ever going to talk? Can I still call you crying my eyes out? Can I still text you if I need advice? Can I just freeze time so you do not have to go? Am I being selfish? I am happy for you; do not get me wrong. And I am proud of you. I am proud that you have made it this far; overcoming all the obsticals you have encountered. Proving to life that you can handle whatever is thrown at you. I admire you for that. I admire you for your kindness. I admire your dedication to your team. I admire the way you still laugh through that day, even though sometimes you might cry through the night. I am going to miss you. Every little part of you. Your smile. Your voice. Your laugh. Your weirdness. Your jokes. Your hugs, maybe that is one thing I will miss most of all. Why? Because they are different. They are not the crap quick hugs most people give. They are big. Warm. Compassionate. Loving. Comforting. When you give me a hug, I feel like maybe for once everything is going to be okay. They are real. This friendship is real. I just pray I do not become only a mere memory.

Cancer please just go away
Please just let my daddy stay
I still need him to cheer me on
And to walk me down the isle with my pretty white dress on
Cancer please just go away
Please just let my daddy stay
I can't stand to see him in all this pain
And watch him struggle as strength he tries to gain
Cancer please just go away
Please just let my daddy stay
I want him to stay around for many more years
I need him here to calm my fears
Cancer please just go away
Please just let my daddy stay*
I love him so much I don't want him to go
Cancer please leave his body is not your home

The last thing I wanted to do was say goodbye.
But I'll know you're sill with me every time I look up to the sky.
The way the stars shimmer, they'll remind me of your laugh.
The way the sun shines, it'll remind me of my angel that has passed.
I miss you so much.
I can't wait to see you again someday.
And I hope you know I'll never forget you. Not a single day.

you know the last time you saw me
you told me to "Tell mama I love her"
you knew something was off
but to me you never said goodbye

Summer nights,
the nights I miss.
Those were the nights full of bliss.
Campfire talks,
card games and more.
Those were that nights I adore.
Days on the boat,
out in the sun.
Those were the days full of fun.
Water fights,
whipped cream wars.
Those were the good memories I have stored.
Pepperoni pizza,
mountain dew.
Those were my weakness, but that you knew.
Nights in the park,
gazing at stars.
Those were my favorite times by far.
I miss you.  I love you.
I can't wait to be home.
Those were the words you said before you left me alone.

Give me a reason to stay alive
Give me a reason to not take my life tonight.
Give me a reason to not bring out the blades
Or to not shatter that mirror, the cold glass soothes the pain.
Give me a reason to keep holding on
Give me strength I'm not really that strong.
Give me courage to keep carrying on
Give me a reason to keep smiling, acting as if nothing is wrong

Laying in the quiet you breathe out and I breathe in.
Our bodies pressed together skin to skin.
A tangled up ball of hot skin and sweat.
Sticky sweet cotton breath.

Out bodies moved in unison
My hands tangled in your hair
You squeezed my body right
Left me gasping for air.

This time was more than just a hookup
This was more than just some fun
This was me and you together
Two souls becoming one

Today, I actually felt a little happy.
Wanted.
Loved.
But you noticed and couldn't let me have my happiness could you?
"Freak with all those cuts and scars"
Do you really think that made me feel better?
You took my happy day and turned it to ****.
I hope you're happy now.
Because Im not.

Don't be around me if I'm.

High

Sad

or tired

And if you're dying to see a disaster happen

Don't be around me when I'm high and sad...

...and it's late...

And if you really want me to fall apart

**Tell me you're in love with me.
Say it from your heart

I fell in love with the little things really.
I fell in love with the way you say my name, the way it rolls off your tongue like smooth velvet.
I fell in love with the way you laughed,
And also with the way you made me laugh once again.
I fell in love with your eyes, the deep blue reminding me of the ocean; my favorite place.
I fell in love with your honesty,
You're broken and not afraid to let it show.
I fell in love with the way I feel so safe in your arms,
When you let me cry and you kiss my forehead telling me it'll be alright.
I fell in love with our car rides,
Singing along to every song we knew; our voices blending in perfect harmony.
I fell in love with the way you complete me,
Finally filling the emptiness I've felt for so long.
I fell in love with your honesty,
Never keeping a single detail from me.
I fell in love with evey ounce of you.
I fell in love with the way you love me too.

Laying here with you
4 bowls in.
I feel the rush through my body as were here skin to skin

Laying here with you
My window open wide
Nothing could go wrong with you by my side

Laying here with you
Pandora playing softly
Goodnight, sweet dreams, you sure are lovely.

They check your wrists
But never your sides
They'll believe all the smiles
*Concealing the thousands of lies

I wasn't even out of my car yet and I broke down.
We made eye contact; for me it was painful.
No wave.
No nod.
No smiles.
From either of us.
It hurt me because now I realize I overreacted,
I should've stayed more calm when I talked to you.
I shouldn't have let it get to me.
Why did this upset me so much?
I saw you again in the locker room.
I know you saw me too.
Again;
nothing.
No smile.
No wave.
From either of us.
You may not know but the simple and enthusiastic "Hi Bree!" with a warm smile after,
well that really brightens my day.
I tried talking to you, but got no response.
Maybe your phone was dead? Or maybe you got it taken away in class?
Or maybe I ruined things.
Maybe I shouldn't have even responded in the first place.
Responded in the morning and said I was just asleep.
Maybe all these thoughts running circles in my head are useless;
but if I know one thing for sure it's that I don't want something this stupid to come between us.
And if I know anything else, it's that I was stupid and I'm sorry.

is that I have this sinking feeling that won't go away.
A feeling that, that was the last hug.
The last spoken conversation...

*The last goodbye.

Do you days ever get so jumbled,
that nights run into days and days run into nights.
Reality becomes your dreams,
dreams becomes nightmares,
and night mares become reality.
Reality that runs into the night.
Or day?

*Perhaps it's only afternoon.