As I am dreaming, I start to feel you.
Soft small hands patting my face.
You pull on the blanket,
you pull my hair.
You've got my attention,
I know you're there.
I open my eyes and what do I see?
Cute bugs smile casted on me.
You giggle and coo;
and giggle some more,
you lose your balance and fall to the floor.
I smile a little and let out a giggle too,
because although I hate being woken up,
I could never get mad at you.
That mocha skin,
those big brown eyes.
That squeal of excitement when you are surprised.

So goodmorning bug,
I hope you slept well.
You are the reason I keep trudging through this hell.

I really do just want to scream

and shout

and let it all out.

*But I can't because people won't understand.

Mama please don't,
please do not cry.
I promise you it'll be alright.
I'll take the beating this time, I'll put up the fight.
Mama please, just dry your eyes;
*I promise you everything will be alright.

There are only so many times you can be broken
    before it becomes impossible to put the pieces back together.
       There are only so many times your heart can be torn
          before it becomes impossible to repair.
            There are only so many beatings you can take
               before you stop fighting back.
                  There is only so much tearing down that can be done
                     before it becomes impossible to be rebuilt.
                        There are only so many times you can fall
                           before you can't get back up.

It may not seem like a lot to you.
But it means the world to me.
Sitting in your room for hours on end;
music playing in the background.
Laying on the bed for hours on end.
Each of us on our phones in our own worlds;
but at the same time, we are in a world together.
Just our own little world
Not feeling the need to entertain each other constantly,
but when we do have something to say...
all the silence fades away.
I love borrowing your clothes.
It brings me comfort.
Smelling your perfume all day;
it's comforting knowing that at least some part of you is with me.
It may not mean much to you,
that we have the same music interests or that you know every last secret about me.
But it makes me incredibly happy that I don't have to be fake around you.
You accept me as I am;
And that means the world.
It may not seem like much to you when you ask for rides,
or when we go out to lunch.
But it brings me joy
Windows down
music blasting.
Not a care in the world.
Just me and my bestfriend
I love getting lost with you.
Driving all around trying to figure out which way to go,
whcih exsit to take.
You probably think nothing of it
Though, I love it.
Because that extra time we spend lost is just more time I get to spend with you.
You may not think about the future,
but I do all the time.
It terrifies me when I get the thought of you not being in it.
**Because you mean the world to me

Parents are supposed to build their children up.
So why are you tearing me down?
Parents are supposed to bandage the scrapes and cuts.
So why are you the one creating the scars?
Parents are supposed to calm their children down when they are upset.
So why am I more upset when you are around?
Parents are supposed to calm your fears.
So why am I more afraid when you are around?
Every time you open your mouth, another part of me breaks.
   I broke when you called me a freak.
      I broke when you told everyone; and made a joke out of me.
         I broke when you took my childhood away.
            I broke when you told me I'd never be good enough.
               I broke when you told me you gave up on me.
                  I broke when you told me I was a disappointment.
                     I break every day when you scream.
                        I break every time you don't say goodnight to me.
                           I break everytime I think of our relationship,
                              it breaks me because it shouldn't be this way.

I haven't eaten barely anything in two days.
I'm sick to my stomach all day,
just the smell of food makes me want to *****.
I'm tired beyond belief;
but I cannot sleep.
Everytime my eyes close I see you.
You haunt my dreams.
It really isn't fun to wake up screaming.
All day long you consume my thoughts.
Every little thing remind me of you.
Suddenly, I feel sick again.
Maybe I'm being selfish,
I mean maybe I should be happy for you.
At the same time though, I wish it were me.
I wish I was the one holding you at night.
I wish I was your goodmorning kiss.
...I wish I was the one having your baby...
I wish I didn't get so sick thinking of you.
Running out of church in the middle of service,
breaking down in the bathroom;
crying on the floor...
Thats not me.
Ive always been the one to hold it together.
I never let anyone see my hurt.
I guess you're my weakness.
My sickness.
If you wanted to,
you could be my cure.

I found all the old letters.
I read them all again, some twice through.
Smiling with all the sweet words you said.
Remembering how you said you missed me.
Reminicing on you telling me you wanted nothing more than just to hold me.
I found your old sweater.
The one you gave me that one day in the snow.
We spent hours outside acting like children.
Once we were done I was numb,
though you were freezing youself, you gave it to me selflessly.
Every now and than I put it on.
Sit on my bed all wrapped up in you.
I can smell you on it,
so badly I wish you were next to me in this bed again
I found our old pictures.
All our good times.
The endless memories.
Back when things were simple, happy, unbroken.
I found myself in tears.*
Thinking of everything we had.
I thought it would last forever.
We shared so much;
secrets, tears, laughs, and smiles.
Everytime I find something,
I break a little more.

My parents think it's just the flu.
I guess it could be if love could get you sick.
I feel queasy all the time.
I can't keep food down.
I'm tired and my body aches.
I tremble and shake.
My head pounds and spins.
But it's just the flu right?
No
I may be sick,
but it is nothing that can be cured by a doctor.
No amount of medicine can make this go away.
There is no cure for the hole in my heart.
Do you know what it's like?
I bet you haven't got the slightest clue.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to try to live with a hole in your heart?
To lie on the floor screaming.
Begging for the pain to stop.
Before you know it,
you're racing for the bathroom.
Running to the toliet.
Your stomach hurts from sobbing.
Here comes dinner.
I go back and curl up in bed.
Tired and aching.
Mom comes in and ask if she can do anything.
I just tell her I do not feel well.
Who knew love could make you so sick.
I miss you.
Every time I think of you;
every word you say to me...
it all just makes me sick.
**But it's just the flu right?

How dare you?
How dare you go and break her like that?
How can you tell her you love her, yet say you don't want to be with her?
Did it make you happy, when you saw all those tears streaming down her face?
She has been hurt enough.
And you know that.
Think of everything she has told you about her past.
Her family, her dad, her stepmom.
She's been broken down enough in the past.
You were the thing that built her back up.
You were the one who changed things for her.
Do you know how much you mean to her?
I don't know if you have any clue.
You know, you're lucky your bigger than me.
If you weren't, I'd be out of my mind to not kick your ***.
How dare you do this.
She is my bestfriend.
She doesn't deserve this.
She doesn't deserve to cry herself to sleep.
She doesn't deserve to have to hide tears.
The ones you caused
She doesn't deserve to be torn down to nothing.
She gave you everything.
Literally.
And all you gave her was a broken heart.
How dare you?

Every day it gets one day closer to the end; and every day I get more and more scared. In a few months it will all be over. We will be out for summer, and you will be gone. Off on the next chapter in your life. I wish I could just freeze time. Stop it right in its tracks. That way I would never have to say goodbye. I want to just stay in this year forever, you a senior me a sophomore. I don't want to say goodbye. Will I ever hear from you? Will I see you again? I am scared to death you are going to forget about me. But I pray to God that you won't. Every night I beg Him "please don't let me lose her." I am terrified I am going to lose one of my bestfriends. I am scared I am going to lose the one who came along and changed everything for me. You gave me a different outlook on things. All the little things you do, all the little things you say; they mean more than you know. Simple things really. Chin up. "Chin up" you always say. "Stay strong" you always say. You are living proof that I am not in this war alone. You are my rock. You give me hope. A friend is an angel who lifts you up when your own wings have forgotten how to fly. You are my angel. You give me strength to get through the day. You picked me up when I had hit rock bottom. You have kept me from drowning all this time. When I fall, you catch me. Instead of letting me hit the cold hard ground. Who is going to be my strength when you are gone? Who is going to throw me a rope when the waves start to consume me? Because if you have not noticed, I am not too good at being strong on my own. Are we ever going to talk? Can I still call you crying my eyes out? Can I still text you if I need advice? Can I just freeze time so you do not have to go? Am I being selfish? I am happy for you; do not get me wrong. And I am proud of you. I am proud that you have made it this far; overcoming all the obsticals you have encountered. Proving to life that you can handle whatever is thrown at you. I admire you for that. I admire you for your kindness. I admire your dedication to your team. I admire the way you still laugh through that day, even though sometimes you might cry through the night. I am going to miss you. Every little part of you. Your smile. Your voice. Your laugh. Your weirdness. Your jokes. Your hugs, maybe that is one thing I will miss most of all. Why? Because they are different. They are not the crap quick hugs most people give. They are big. Warm. Compassionate. Loving. Comforting. When you give me a hug, I feel like maybe for once everything is going to be okay. They are real. This friendship is real. I just pray I do not become only a mere memory.

God, please keep watch over him.
Please give the surgeon steady hands.
If I lose another person, I wont be able to stand it.
You've take my baby cousin.
You've taken Sophie and Cynthia.
You took my big brothers first baby away from him.
Please don't take him away from me.
It's not fair.
To lose everyone I love.
To break more and more every day because I feel like it should have been me to go;
not them.
Feeling like I should have been the baby who wasn't strong enough.
Feeling like I should have been the one in that boat.
Feeling like I should have been the baby who came home to meet you before my family even met me.
The hole in my heart is big enough.
Please,
just let Grandpa be okay.
I have enough guardian angels in the sky,
I need this one to stay here on earth;
right by my side.
*Please

I love the times when the smiles arn't forced.
I love it when I can't stop laughing.
I love it when all the sorrow is dulled.
I love the people who make this possible.
I love how they are always there for me.
Making me smile.
Making me laugh.
All the jokes we have,
the relationships we've built.
All the long car rides, overnighters, team dinners.
I couldn't ask for better friends and more than that, family.
I love being truly happy when we are all together.
And I hate being apart.

I see all of you crying.
Upset because you think it's finally come to an end;
but you're all wrong.
This is just the beginning of something new.
I know without a shadow of a doubt you're all going to go far in life.
How do I know this?
I know because I see that each and every one of you is special.
You've all touched peoples lives in one way or another.
Each of you have touchd my life.
44-Helping me when I couldn't remember a play as the 5.
22-Never failing to make me laugh with the weird things you do and say.
15-Giving me rides, letting me help you coach.
32-Showing me what true friendship is.
10-Always there with advice.
Every single one of you is amazing.
I know you're sad that this season has come to an end;
but where one journey stops...
another begins.

Who the hell are you?
It's like I don't even know you anymore.
Helf the time when I look at you all I wonder is
where did my bestfriend go?
We made so many promises to each other
That we would stand by each other.
That we would help one another.
That we wouldn't let high school get the best of us.
I meant it when I said it, but it's pretty obvious you didn't.
Parties every weekend.
Opening yourself up to anyone and everyone.
You complain you get taken advantage of too much, but it's your own fault.
Is it hard being that easy?
You complain that guys keep hurting you because they only want you for your body
and then they leave you...
well here's a little thought;
say NO once in a while
Holy **** is it that hard to stand up for yourself?
You told me you feel bad about all the things you've done with him.
And him.
And him.
You said you feel like you made a mistake...
but then you go and do it again.
It's the same story time and time again.
Listen though,
the first time you do something it's a mistake.
Every time after that,
it's a choice.