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Aug 2013 · 366
My angles
Damaged Aug 2013
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings.
Almost a year ago, September 15th,
two angles were taken home to watch over me.
I could never understand why they had to leave,
but now I know it's because I needed extra eyes watching over me.
Keeping me safe and out of harms way,
their hands on my shoulders when daddy made me afraid.
They took the wheel when the roads got tough,
their arms holding me tight when times got rough.
Now and again I shed a tear,
I love them and miss them.
I wish they were here.
But when I'm feeling sad
and all alone;
I feel my angles right by my side.
Whispering in my ear
*Don't worry, you'll be fine
A little rough. Can't believe it's almost been a year. I miss you Peterlin girls. Fly high
Aug 2013 · 1.1k
A deck of cards.
Damaged Aug 2013
It may seem like nothing to you,
but now I look at it different.
Most people would see a deck of cards as nothing special.
For most, it's just a simple way of entertainment.
But for me, I look at them differently now.
A deck of cards can almost resemble society.
There's different shapes and colors.
Different values.
Isn't that how we are in the world today?
You see the aces and face cards,
they're like gold.
They're high in value.
Everyone wants them.
They're simply perfect.
Then there's the number cards.
You know,
two though ten.
They're nothing too special.
Sure sometimes they can be helpful and useful,
but most of the time they just get overlooked don't they?
Then there's the jokers.
Many people don't need them.
They throw them out or throw them to the side.
Or people just simply laugh at Jokers.
They're useless right?

So now walking around, think about this.
Who are you?
Who do you make others feel like they are?
Do you smile at and be kind to everyone around you?
Treating them as those spotless ace and face cards?
Or do you just overlook people?
Is everyone a number card to you?
And I hate to ask, but are you the bully who makes everyone feel like a joker?
Do you tease, or ignore people?
Making them feel like the most unwanted people in the world?

So the next person you see, really stop and think;
how valuable is this person going to feel after an encounter with me?
A little rough, but I think my point has been made. My coach/history teacher did a little activity with us that was exactly what I said above. It really got me thinking.
Aug 2013 · 337
In that moment
Damaged Aug 2013
I didn't want to let go because you actually make me feel cared for. I heard it in your voice and felt it in the tightness of your hug. *Someone actually cares.
#32
Aug 2013 · 1.2k
Nightmares
Damaged Aug 2013
And she's trying her hardest to fall asleep but she can't because every time she closes her eyes, she's terrified of what she sees.
Aug 2013 · 531
Here goes another year
Damaged Aug 2013
I've had quite a few people ask me for advice about high school lately. I keep just telling each person the same things.
~Don't skip class.
~Turn in assignments on time.
~Listen to teachers.
~Don't party, drink, smoke...
All the same basic stuff anyone would probably tell an incoming freshmen friend. In reality though, I'm a hypocrite.
Every time another person asks I just want to scream
DON'T BE LIKE ME
But I can't say that to anyone, because then they would ask what was so wrong with me.
And I can't tell them because then this fake me will come unraveled.
All that will be left is a scared little girl.
So...
~Don't skip class
~Turn in assignments on time.
~Listen to teachers
~Don't party, drink, smoke...
And for everyones sake...
**DON'T BE LIKE ME
Aug 2013 · 373
I really loved you
Damaged Aug 2013
I'm just a silhoutte.
A lifeless face that you'll soon forget.
My eyes are damp from the owrds you left.
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
Damaged Aug 2013
I wonder if you know,
you're the first one I've loved in a while.
The first one I've gotten comfortable with.
First one I've let inside.
To be honest,
it felt so good again.
To finally have hat place I can run.
A place I can hide.
Though at the same time,
I don't have to hide.
Myself that is.
I know I can be myself around you.
You don't judge me.
You don't look at me different.
You just love me, despite all of the ****.
And you have no idea how good that feels.
Aug 2013 · 284
To be enough
Damaged Aug 2013
All I have are me, myself, and I.
I'm not enough.
Never have been.
Never will be.
So why do I even bother?
Jul 2013 · 392
Sage #2
Damaged Jul 2013
I've spent hours contemplating the right words to say to you but I have come to the conclusion that no combination of any twenty six letters could possibly begin to describe the way I am feeling right in this very moment.
Jul 2013 · 288
I barely even have words
Damaged Jul 2013
I can't even begin to describe the way I feel in this moment.

I'm hurt.

I feel used.

I'm confused.

But most of all,

I'm curious...

Why the **** did you have to be the one to break me?
I cant even breathe. Everything reminds me of him. Night isn't the same without his sweet goodnights. I just don't understand
Jul 2013 · 372
Hoping youre okay
Damaged Jul 2013
Just want you to know I love you.
I care.
Im worried.
And most of all Im here.
Jul 2013 · 264
Going under
Damaged Jul 2013
I feel like I'm sinking.

Drowning.

It's
      
       getting

                      harder

                                     to

                                             *B
                                                  R
                                                      E
                                                          A
                                                               T
                                                                   H
                                                                        E
Damaged Jul 2013
I don't really think it's the darkness I'm afraid of.
It's what is inside the darkness.
Because inside the darkness hide the truth.
The lonliness.
Inside the darkness is everything I've ever hid inside.
Inside the darkness is thousands of unmasked lies.
Inside the darkness is tears,
screams,
and blood.
Inside the darkness is a scared little girl,
just wanting to be loved.
Jul 2013 · 409
Sage
Damaged Jul 2013
Have you ever loved someone so much

*that you forgot to love yourself?
Jul 2013 · 334
Maybe there is hope?
Damaged Jul 2013
To be completely honest,
I am utterly terrified about the upcoming generation.
Scared that they will destroy this world even more.
No values.
No morals.
No respect.
I mean, look at the generation raising them;
aren't we bad enough?
But today,
I was shown a little glimmer of hope that maybe;
some of them won't be so bad.
Today I heard about what a good friend of mines little brother did, letting a man know he is thankful for him serving this country. I will admit, I don't know any adults that would do that, much less an eight year old. Like I said, maybe there is hope.
Jul 2013 · 350
There's a difference
Damaged Jul 2013
There's a difference between wanting something and needing something.
You're that difference.
You see, there are a lot of things I want.
I want my parents to be together.
I want them to be civil.
I want my medical problems to go away.
I want more money.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
I could go on and on but honestly,
I think I would run out of room to write.
There's a million things in the world I want..
But you,
*I need you
Jul 2013 · 722
Complete venting
Damaged Jul 2013
I don't know how much more I can take. I spend all my days smiling but all my nights crying. Every day it gets harder and harder to mask the pain the wells inside me. I walk around every day like my life is so great when really, I know that I'm just a huge mistake. People yell at everything I do. Everyone pushes me away or pulls themselves away. Everyone walks away from me. I care so much for others and I just get left out in the dust like a piece of trash. I don't even know if it's worth it to stick around anymore. I mean why should I? It's not like anyone would notice if I was gone anyways. I'm "too nice" appearently. Well guess what? I'm the way I am because I never want people to feel the pain that I'm in. I never want anyone to feel left out or unloved the way I do every single **** day of my life. I never want people to feel like they arn't really wanted or appricated. Whether it be in the classroom, on the court, where ever. Everone has a right to know that they are loved and cared about. I walk around all day and my eyes sting because I'm fighting back tears. Yet no one notices. For once it'd be so nice for someone not believe me when I tell them I'm okay. Sometiems I really want to admit it, but I just can't. I don't want to show that I'm weak. I have so many people I have to be strong for. I feel as if the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders and every day it weighs me down more and more. Every day it becomes more and more of a struggle to even get out of bed. Why should I get up to go walk around in a place where I'm not even wanted or appricated? Why do anything at all anymore? Why can't I just...not?
Jul 2013 · 436
Razors coming out to play
Damaged Jul 2013
One turns to two.
Then three.
Then four.
Soon theres a tiny puddle of blood pooled up on the floor.
But she still stands up,
cleans the mess and gets dressed.
No one can know how she really feels,
she's depressed.
She'll put on that fake smile,
and joke with you all day.
Though, the second she gets home the smiles fade away.
She reaches for someone only to find cold hard steel.
It's the only thing she has anymore,
leaving reminders of pain that was just to real.
Jul 2013 · 430
I feel absolutly nothing
Damaged Jul 2013
You think you can shoot me down and **** me,
well go ahead and try.
But you'll find it harder than you think,
*because I'm already dead inside.
Jun 2013 · 844
Jumbled
Damaged Jun 2013
Do you days ever get so jumbled,
that nights run into days and days run into nights.
Reality becomes your dreams,
dreams becomes nightmares,
and night mares become reality.
Reality that runs into the night.
Or day?

*Perhaps it's only afternoon.
Totally scrambled thoughts. Insomnia at its best.
Damaged Jun 2013
but I did.
And now there's nothing I can do.
Every day for the rest of my life,
I'll have to deal with this.
Every day I have to wake up, look at myself in the mirror,
and pretend I'm not disgusted... with myself.
I'll forever have to live with ruining something so precious.
Something(one) so fragile.
Something(one) who couldn't even fight back.
Forever I will be haunted with what could have been.
Have you ever made a mistake so big words can't even form how bad you feel for doing it?....Cause I have
Jun 2013 · 340
I need to get out of here
Damaged Jun 2013
Running away has never sounded so good.*
No more pain.
No more fights.
No more nightmare filled nights.
No longer I'd be a burden.
No longer would I trouble you.
No longer would I tangle up your life, I'm sorry it was what I consumed.
Damaged Jun 2013
Please I'm begging you;
don't be another hole in my heart.
Don't be another tear, another scar.
**Be the stitches that rebuild me
Jun 2013 · 834
#21
Damaged Jun 2013
#21
I hope you know how much I value you and your friendship.
You're as sweet to me as chocolate.
And that's a lot better than the sour patch kids that usually surround me.
If you wonder why I tell you every little thing that happens,
it's because you have my complete trust.
If you wonder why I always want to sit next to you at dinners or on the bench or in the car,
it's because every second with you counts to me.
If you wonder why I'm so clingy,
it's because I've lost a lot of people and I don't want to let you slip away.
I know I'm overly nice some,
I hope it doesn't bother you.
I just never want you to feel hurt.
I know what it's like to feel hurt by others and it would hurt me to see you that hurt.
If you wonder why I do everything I do,
it's cause I love you.
Jun 2013 · 344
All I need
Damaged Jun 2013
I just need assurance that someone out there still has hope in me.
Jun 2013 · 3.2k
Drained
Damaged Jun 2013
I want to be able to sleep again.
I'm tired of fighting to fall asleep,
being afraid of every little creak in the house.
I'm tired of being scared of what might take me in the night.
I'm tired of waking up with cold sweats.
I'm tired of waking up screaming.
I'm tired of the terrors,
being deathly afraid of all too vivid dreams,
feeling as if I am being held down;
no where to run...I can't even move.
I'm tired of being tired.
Insomnia that never goes away. It wears me down after a while
Damaged Jun 2013
My lounges burn.
My body shakes.
My eyes are
                        F
                            A
       ­                           L
                                    ­   L                  
                                            I
                  ­                              N
                                 ­                      G.


**But no longers do my eyes sting from salty tears.
Say goodbye to trembling from neverending nightmares.
Sweet dreams. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.
Jun 2013 · 273
Scattered thoughts
Damaged Jun 2013
Every day.
                      Every hour.
                                             Every minute.
                                                                        Every second.

I hate myself more and more.

                                                                                                     But every time I try to run away,
                                    
                                                        I get trapped by the truth;

                                                                                                                                                                     *
That
                                                                                                                                                      everyone
                                                                                                                                              else
                                                                                                                                                      hates
                                                                                                                                                                me
                                                                                                                                                                      too.
Jun 2013 · 853
What upsets me the most
Damaged Jun 2013
is that I have this sinking feeling that won't go away.
A feeling that, that was the last hug.
The last spoken conversation...

*The last goodbye.
And if it was and if I'm right about this sinking feeling I cant seem to shake, I just hope you know that I am forever changed because of you. You have brought me through a lot and looking at you I really see the real meaning of strength. I want you to know that every day I pray that God will always show favor to you and that he'll surround you with twice the guardian angles than you actually need. Because I never want you to hurt anymore. And I never want you to have to hurt again. You, the girl that does so much to make sure everyone else is happy, you deserve to be happy. Truly happy. This is my wish for you. Even if we never talk again, just know that I love you with all my heart and you have been the biggest inspiration in my life and I will never forget you Kay Kay. <3
Jun 2013 · 1.3k
What I'm not
Damaged Jun 2013
I'm the bounceback.
I'm the second choice.
I'm overlooked.
I don't make people stop and stare.
I don't make people take second looks.
I'm no comfortable in my own skin.
I'm always the awkward third wheel.
I never get asked about when I don't show up at school.
I'm not pretty.
I'm not skinny.
I'm not worth anything.
Damaged Jun 2013
My heart stopped for a second.
We got onto highway 49 and traffic was stopped.
There was an accident.
Thoughts raced through my head.
I hope everyone made it.
I hope no one is too terribly hurt.
I hope it wasn't you.
I know you live down this way and the thought of that made me sick.
We slowly got through the traffic and I held my breath.
The closer we got to the scene the harder I prayed it wasn't you.
Finally,
we passed it.
Your car wasn't there and neither were you.
Relief rushed over me and finally,
I could breathe again.
Jun 2013 · 253
Stuck.
Damaged Jun 2013
I'm caught somewhere between the person I am,
and the person I want to be.
The hard part is,
I don't know where to run.
Damaged Jun 2013
I have this card for you
it's not much;
but I'm hoping it'll mean something.
Damaged Jun 2013
My heart  sank to my stomach.
Tears welled in my eyes.
I got to the car just as my knees were about to buckle.
I climbed in and just curled into a ball in my seat.
I didn't care that it was hotter than hell.
I don't really care about anything anymore.
But I mean it's hard to care anymore.
Why care when no one else does?
You could spend all your time always trying to make sure someones okay.
Trying to make sure they feel loved.
Making sure you're always more than nice...
And all you'll get in return in silence and avoidance.
Almost like they don't even care.
#32
Jun 2013 · 769
Soon to be graduate
Damaged Jun 2013
It's the last week of school
And I'm sitting here in bed crying because I'm scared.
And I'm scared because you'll be leaving.
And I don't want you to leave because you've been my hope and strength.
I don't know if you fully understand either
The way I look up to you.
All the locked messages from you on my phone.
The way my eyes scan the crowd for you between classes,
just hoping to make eye contact; maybe to reassure me that you havn't forgotten me.
Do you understand why I text you so much?
I simply want to just talk to you.
I feel like were not going to talk much soon, so I feel a need to get it all in now.
Maybe if you don't fully understand why I do all that I do,
think of the way you think about Bug.
Now do you understand?
I feel bad*
Because I want to get you a really nice graduation present,
but I just don't have the time to do what I was planning.
And I feel bad because I've gotten mad at you when I shouldn't.
And I've said things I shouldn't have, and I probably hurt you.
So I feel bad.
And I feel bad because I think I'm being selfish.
Not wanting you to leave.
Am I?

They say some people come and go and have little impact.
Others leave footprints on your heart.
I hope you know which one you are.
You have changed me in a way I will never be able to describe.
You have been a way better friend than I deserve.
You are beautiful and you are going to go far.
I believe in you. I love you. And I thank God for you every single day.
Half of this probably doesn't even make sense
May 2013 · 341
Hello I am _____?
Damaged May 2013
Sitting here doing this project at 12 o'clock at night;
I have to answer the question "Who am I?"
It's an interesting question,
and I can't answer it.
Because I don't know who I am anymore.
I just know that I'm not alright.
May 2013 · 1.3k
I'm hard to love
Damaged May 2013
How could I love someone who's already so broken?
How could I love someone whose heart is in pieces?

I've been thinking...
*And I still don't have an answer for you.
May 2013 · 334
New beginnings
Damaged May 2013
Laying under the stars you grab my hand.
The butterflies in my stomach start to dance.

*Could this be the start of something new?
May 2013 · 536
The what ifs in life
Damaged May 2013
What if one day,
I just wasn't anymore.
Damaged May 2013
I'm alive,
But am I really living?
I sleep,
So why am I still so tired?
I get out of bed every day,
But am I really awake?
I don't really find much funny,
So why do I fake the laughs?
I'm not actually saying anything of much importance,
But my mouth is moving.
I don't actually want to know,
So why am I still asking?
I'm not really happy,
*But I still have to smile
May 2013 · 2.4k
Happy birthday Bug
Damaged May 2013
It's amazing how fast a year can go by.
I still remember that day like it was yesterday.
That sweet day in May.
I remember waking up to a text, "Your sister is in labor."
I think I smiled bigger than I ever have before.
I was so anxious all day.
I had a tournament that day too.
We had just finished our game and I checked my phone.
I saw the message, with a picture attached.
A picture of you.
And while everyone was happy and estatic that we had won,
I had joy in my heart because you were finally here,
After all those long months that never seemed to end, you were finally here.

I remember the day your mom told me she was pregnant with you.
I remember all the days I spent with her while she had never ending morning sickness.
Helping her take care of the house and your sisters.
The sickness never seemed to go away.
I remember that day in class when my ***** sent me a text.
It's a boy!
I was so happy I screamed with excitement.
Everyone turned to look at me but I didn't are.
All I cared about in that moment was you.

I remember the day they brought you home.
I got to hold you for the very first time that night.
I fell in love instantly.
You looked so peaceful wrapped up in that blanket.
Your eyelids flutterling.
Your chest falling and rising with every breath you took;
because you were finally here.
And you were beautiful.
The days and months started to pass and you grew with every passing day.
I watched in awe.
I loved seeing you learn to crawl,
then stand on your own,
then walk.
Now starting to form tiny words.
You are growing into such a handsome big boy.
But you will always be my little bug.
Damaged May 2013
They say everything happens for a reason.
But still I don't understand why;
why did you two have to become angles in the sky?
I still find myself believeing that I'm just going to wake up and this will all be a terrible nightmare? Really I just need someone to talk me through this. Everyone else just tells me to **** it up.
Damaged May 2013
It's so much easier to just let the red water flow
than it is to bother you and admit I can't do this on my own.
Damaged May 2013
But maybe it not really sadness for a reason.
What if you've just been hurt a lot so the feeling becomes normal.
You know; that sad feeling?
It's not really sadness you show either.
It's not a sadness where you cry all the time and you're always frowning.
You hide the sadness with smiles and laughs.
Convincing yourself you're completly fine.
You get used to it.
Or maybe it's not the kind of sadness where you have a reason to be sad.
You just are.
You don't want to see anyone
or talk
or eat
or do anything.
Maybe we get so used to feeling this sadness in a way we are addicted;
because that's all we know?
But maybe it's not necessarily the sadness we get addicted to.
Rather,
what we do to stop the sadness.
Maybe we really just get addicted to whatever is going to **** the pain at the end of the day.
Or maybe that pain at the end of the day is what's going to cause us to finally feel something;
because we've been numb for so long.
We arn't necessarily sad, but we arn't really happy either.
We just are.
But maybe at the same time maybe we are sad.
And we're sad because we numb,
and we don't care anymore.
But maybe we should care?
Becuase when we don't care we tend to hurt others.
But they hurt us so why not hurt them?
I mean, isn't it only fair they feel the same pain.
Or maybe...
We all have secret addictions no one knows.
The title is a verse from a song. I was listening to it and it just stuck out at me. I dont know why.
May 2013 · 303
Where are you?
Damaged May 2013
Its funny how you say I should stop.
It's not good for me.
That you're going to stick with me through it all.
But when I try, when I reach for you because I can't do it on my own,
you're nowhere to be found.
May 2013 · 572
Morning time writing
Damaged May 2013
What did we really fall into?

In the beginning we fell into friendship.
We had the same interests, we got along.
We could talk for hours about nothing and everything.
Playing  jokes on each other all the time, making fun of one another, laughing until we couldn't breathe.
It was magical.
Then the magic became even more powerful.
Soon it was phone calls, letters, spending every moment we could together.
Deep conversations, spending time with each others families.
I just cant forget the was your lips felt so soft on mine.
The way hot hot skin felt pressed againt me.
My heart beating faster than a druggies.
Then I guess it became just physical.
I felt the love drifting away.
But I kept telling my self that since I'd given you a part of me,
maybe youd stay.
**** my thoughts. My stupid decieving thoughts.
Because then, I dont know where we fell;
but it was terrifying.
The distance grew.
Conversations got shorter.
Eye contact got awkward.
And I couldn't even look at you without tears welling up in my eyes.
Why'd you make me say goodbye?
What did we really fall into?
Love? Lust? Hate?
Or was it just a neverending pit?
Apr 2013 · 403
I need support
Damaged Apr 2013
Once
Just once
Can't you support me on something?
Just one thing?

**Why is it so hard?
Apr 2013 · 470
I wish you could've seen me
Damaged Apr 2013
I really wish you would have been there.
I wonder if it would have made you proud.
To see me back finally starting again.
I wish you could have seen me finally make my free throws.
I wanted you to see the look in my eyes when I made my layups.
Everytime I did something good,
I found myself looking into the crowd for your approval.
Only to find no one.
I'm not going to lie and say I didn't have a good weekend.
I played well.
I scored.
Got tons of minutes.
I can honestly say I feel like I left it all on the floor.
But there is one thing that could have made this weekend better;
you.
I know you didn't even have importanat plans either.
You were just dinkering around in the yard and going to the bar.
Couldn't you just take one weekend for me?
I just want to show you that I'm worth it.
That I can do it.
I want to prove to you that this isn't just a waste of your money.
I want so badly to make you proud.
*But I can't do that if you're not there.
Damaged Apr 2013
I wasn't even out of my car yet and I broke down.
We made eye contact; for me it was painful.
No wave.
No nod.
No smiles.
From either of us.
It hurt me because now I realize I overreacted,
I should've stayed more calm when I talked to you.
I shouldn't have let it get to me.
Why did this upset me so much?
I saw you again in the locker room.
I know you saw me too.
Again;
nothing.
No smile.
No wave.
From either of us.
You may not know but the simple and enthusiastic "Hi Bree!" with a warm smile after,
well that really brightens my day.
I tried talking to you, but got no response.
Maybe your phone was dead? Or maybe you got it taken away in class?
Or maybe I ruined things.
Maybe I shouldn't have even responded in the first place.
Responded in the morning and said I was just asleep.
Maybe all these thoughts running circles in my head are useless;
but if I know one thing for sure it's that I don't want something this stupid to come between us.
And if I know anything else, it's that I was stupid and I'm sorry.
Maybe you'll see this maybe you won't. Maybe you'll say something maybe you won't. Maybe we'll be okay maybe we won't. But I hope to God I didn't **** things up too bad.
Apr 2013 · 431
I'm still here
Damaged Apr 2013
Daddy found the website.
He asked me what it was.
I told him that I didn't know.
I'd never seen it before.
Sweet lies rolling off my tongue so my secrets wouldn't be poured out like sour milk.
So that's why now I've changed my name.
I'm still the same writer, same person, same girl.
I'm just full of hidden damage.
I've been torn apart by this world
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