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Damaged Jan 2014
And I can count on a single hand the number of people that cared enough to text me and say happy birthday...
I feel completely invisible
Damaged Dec 2013
You know,
I love you but sometimes I get very upset.
All you seem to care about lately is partying.
All I want is one night with you.
Sober nights can be fun too
Just one night where you're not working.
You're not with your boyfriend.
Just you and me.
I mean is that too much to ask?
For Gods sake I just had surgery.
Can't you just stay with me while I recover?
Or is that buzz and that high more important than me?
Dec 2013 · 399
Millions of thoughts
Damaged Dec 2013
A million thoughts running through my head
They all cause me to weep
A million thoughts running through my head
All I want to do is sleep
A million thoughts running through my head
The voices they won't stop
A million thoughts running through my head
Until the final bullet is shot
Dec 2013 · 368
Just stop
Damaged Dec 2013
stop telling me my hair looks bad
I already hate it enough
Stop commenting on my clothes
I'm only dressed and put together for you
Stop commenting on my body
I stare in the mirror hating myself every day
Stop commenting on my skin
I've tried every remedy in the book to clear it
Stop putting up standards for me to meet*
Im doing the best I can
Dec 2013 · 778
Then and now
Damaged Dec 2013
I'm not the same girl I used to be.
I barely even recognize the face in the mirror staring back at me.
I used to walk with my head held high.
Not a worry in the world, all seemed right.
I always had a genuine smile,
And a laugh so loud.
I used to stand out, a unique gem in the crowd.
Before I could sleep peacefully through a night.
Dreaming sweet dreams, never waking in fright.
Then somewhere along the road,
I must have taken a wrong turn.
For how I live now is nothing my heart yearns.
No longer is my head held high,
My eyes point towards the ground holding back tears to be cried.
Instead of never worrying, I flinch at every sound.
I constantly wonder how much longer people will stick around.
The smile that used to shine so bright, I only do it now to please people.
It fades away every night.
My laugh used to fill an entire room,
Now I drain my energy trying to act like I'm amused.
I never used to cry myself to sleep.
Clutching my pillow saying  
Why me
Now every night my sleep is interrupted,
Unpleasant dreams that leave me horrified, confused, and even disgusted.

Things never used to be the way the are now.
A series of events has turned my life upside down.
The thought of death used to make me scarred...
But now,
I couldn't be more ready and prepared.
Dec 2013 · 1.9k
Not a poem, just a vent sesh
Damaged Dec 2013
I am literally about to scream.
At my own ******* teammates.
Stop the comments about her.
Stop putting her on the side of "I know why he's being why he's being"
No you don't.
You have no idea even half the situation.
So just shut the **** up.
She's not a bad person, she's just had a rough life.
She's just a scared girl going through a hard time.
But honestly aren't we all?
Stop ******* judging her.
Worry about yourselves.
Please.
Dec 2013 · 354
Really though, I'm fine.
Damaged Dec 2013
And the way she said
I'm fine
Was a little to quick
A little too quiet
And a little too often
Damaged Dec 2013
Why don't you want to have a party or anything for your birthday?*

**Because it won't be a party for me it'll be a funeral instead
Damaged Dec 2013
Have you even gotten to your room at night and just start crying?
Not necessarily because you're sad,
But more because you're worn out and tired.

Tired of the drama.
The lies.
The day to day *******.
One tear turns to two then three then four.
Before you know it you find yourself clenching a pillow to your chest begging
PLEASE


no more


But the voices in your head they don't listen.
They keep spilling out words and attacking
And kicking
And screaming.

forcing themselves to be heard


And my heart,
Oh my weary heart.
It begins to pound deep in my chest.

PLEASE GOD MAKE THEM GO AWAY. I NEED SOME REST

But the do not seize, they just keep attacking as they please.  
So I find myself rocking on the floor.
Head clamped between my hands.
maybe if I cover my ears they'll leave
But who am I kidding.
I can't hide.
I can't sleep.
I can't get away from the monster inside of me.
Dec 2013 · 5.0k
I'm just tired
Damaged Dec 2013
Why are you so tired you just had two extra days off of school**

The thing is though,
The tiredness I feel can't be relieved.
There are not enough minutes, hours, days, months, or years of sleeping that could cure the tiredness I feel.
No amount of sleep will get rid of the weariness I feel.
You see, although I do not sleep much because of the never ending nightmares.
I am more worn from having to drag myself out of bed every morning.
Paint on the smile.
Pile the coverup on my wrists.
My heart feels so heavy.
My mind is overwhelmed.
You see, no amount of sleep could cure the tiredness inside me.
Dec 2013 · 463
Problems
Damaged Dec 2013
You see that's the problem.

The problem with bein the strong one,
The one who's always there for everyone else.

Once you need someone,
No ones there.
I've spent my whole life always being the one people lean on, and now as I look around when I'm at my lowest point... I can't find anyone
Dec 2013 · 857
Used
Damaged Dec 2013
Your words pierced through my heart like a knife*

You really don't give two ***** about me do you.
How stupid was I to be fooled.
Again.
I thought maybe you'd change.
Decided to let you back it.
But now you're just another mistake.


Stop I don't wanna hear you talk about this. I just wanna have some fun with you

How could I be so stupid to think you actually give a **** about me?
How could I be so stupid to trust you in again?!

*I mean nothing to you
Dec 2013 · 321
Kay Kay
Damaged Dec 2013
I know I say it a lot,
But you're my strength.  
And I just wanna thank you for that.
For holding me and just letting me cry.
You didn't try to tell me it would be okay.
You didn't try to calm me down.
You just let me be sad.
And sometimes, that's all I need.
I need someone to hold me when I'm feeling low,
To remind me that I'm not alone.
Dec 2013 · 1.1k
Porch light
Damaged Dec 2013
Sitting here looking out the window and the light
It goes on
Then off
Then on
Then off.
No ones near the switch.
On
Off
On
Off.
Is that you Opa?
Are you trying to tell us somethig?
Beg us to let you back in. Not forget?
Please don't worry, do not fret.
We're always going to love you.
We're never going to forget
Dec 2013 · 1.0k
Calling my Opa home
Damaged Dec 2013
The last thing I wanted to do was say goodbye.
But I'll know you're sill with me every time I look up to the sky.
The way the stars shimmer, they'll remind me of your laugh.
The way the sun shines, it'll remind me of my angel that has passed.
I miss you so much.
I can't wait to see you again someday.
And I hope you know I'll never forget you. Not a single day.
Damaged Dec 2013
Most nights there's something stopping me.
Keeping me from running my car into the guard rails.
Keeping me from just taking one pill to sleep.
Keeping me from making the cuts too deep.
I'm still somewhat careful.  
But honestly, why should care anymore?
Is there really any reason to stay on this earth?
If there is someone let me know soon,
Before mommy finds me dead in my room.
Damaged Dec 2013
Too numb and need to feel?
visit my steel friends under the mattress

Feeling too much and want to be numb?
visit my glass bottled friends hidden in my closet

Feeling stressed and need to settle down?
visit my smelly green friends, breathe them in slowly

Too many thoughts and can't sleep?
visit my friends in daddy's medicine cabinet, he won't notice

**what if I visited more than one friend at once?
Nov 2013 · 319
Reflections of me
Damaged Nov 2013
Every time I look at you I see  so much of myself.
*And you have no idea how much that scares me
Nov 2013 · 331
Rough random thoughts
Damaged Nov 2013
Laying here in the middle of the road just looking at stars and to be completely honest
I wouldn't even care if I got hit by a car
At least then I could finally be with you up there wherever you are.
Nov 2013 · 374
Christmas
Damaged Nov 2013
People keep asking me what I want for Christmas.
But the thing is no one can give me what I truly want.
Because the only thing I want it for my dad to get better.
I want the cancer to leave.
I don't want this to be the last Christmas for him and me.
Nov 2013 · 915
Lies
Damaged Nov 2013
They check your wrists
But never your sides
They'll believe all the smiles
*Concealing the thousands of lies
Damaged Nov 2013
Because congratulations
It ******* worked.
You've belittled me down to nothing.
I don't even know my own worth.
Nov 2013 · 530
Please I'm begging
Damaged Nov 2013
Someone just wake me up from this nightmare
Nov 2013 · 415
Late night writes
Damaged Nov 2013
Roll it up
Breathe it in
Let the hot air warm me to the skin
Take a puff
Hold it in
Feel the numbness start to sink it.
Light it up
Feel the glass on my skin
Finally this is where I feel okay again.
Damaged Nov 2013
I don't think it's normal for a 16 year old to wonder about these things.
*What would be the quickest way to rid the pain?
What would I have to do to **** the demons that drive me insane?
Would anyone notice if I was no longer around?
Would anyone care if I were six feet
                 U
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Nov 2013 · 296
Is it even worth it?
Damaged Nov 2013
I know how the saying goes
Fall down seven times
Stand up eight

But I've come to the point where getting back up,
Isn't worth all this heartache
So emotionally drained
Damaged Nov 2013
And so starts another day.
Here we go again.
The bullying, the abuse, the lies that never end.
Fighting my demons as I walk around.
So many people stomping me to the ground.
Here goes another day of trying to stay strong.
Fighting back tears, making the most of things that will go wrong.
Here goes another day forcing a smile.
Fighting my demons I've been fighting for a while
Nov 2013 · 490
The decisions I make
Damaged Nov 2013
Make it hard to fall asleep because when I close my eyes
I remember
That night last week.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I remember the way you looked at me.
I remember the way you said my name.
I can still feel the hot prickles of your skin against mine.
I remember the taste of your kiss upon my...
              Lips
                  
                   Neck

                          Hips....

It wasn't supposed to mean anything...

    **So why do I suddenly still care so much
Nov 2013 · 449
Change
Damaged Nov 2013
Things change and people do to.
It just ***** when the ones changing are the ones you never though would leave you.
Thanks for letting me know you literally give zero ***** anymore.
Oct 2013 · 467
Those special friends.
Damaged Oct 2013
Sometimes we're lucky enough in life to meet someone special.
To make a friend that is unlike anyone else.
This person will alter your life, whether they realize they're doing it or not.
This friend will make things different.
Make things better.
They'll make the pain melt away.
They'll force all your worries away.
They'll make you laugh and smile in ways you never have before.
And it's the simple things really.
Singing obnoxiously in the car.
Saying hi in the hallways.
Giving you hugs when you're down.
Ahh yes those hugs, those are the best.
The hugs that are so tight they press all the broken pieces back together.
Those are my favorite.
You see, people that can change your life this tremendously, these are people worth keeping around.
These people you should never let go.
These friends, are friends forever.
Damaged Oct 2013
And once again her so called friend,
will leave her to go off with yet another guy.
And once again she'll be alone at lunch,
sitting in the bathroom while she cries.
Damaged Oct 2013
There's many different reasons I've herd for why a person cries by them self.
No one can know we are hurting.
No one can see our pain.
We don't want anyone to know that we are weak.
We don't want to be judged.
And maybe also, because no one looks cute when they cry.
Oct 2013 · 814
I have nothing else to lose
Damaged Oct 2013
When you've lost everything you love
And everything that matters
Nothing else really matters to you anymore.
Because what else is there to lose?
Oct 2013 · 712
Complete rambling
Damaged Oct 2013
So I guess it's true.
Everything is true.
You don't ever stop loving the first person you fell in love with.
You just deal with not having them in your life.
You learn new ways to go throughout your day.
You reconstruct your life.
It's almost as if you're building an entirely new life.
You no longer have to take another person into consideration when making plans.
And as freeing as that may be to some, to others it's as painful as being stabbed with a knife.
It's as if a part of you is empty.
The nights are suddenly longer and lonelier when you don't have the sound of his heartbeat lulling you to sleep.
The days are lonely too.
No sweet texts to brighten your day and make you smile.
No more daydreaming in class and drawing his name in hearts all over your notebook.
Losing your first love causes you to have to reconstruct routines.
It causes you to always wonder what more could have been.
But most of all, it reminds you that nothing last forever... And there is nothing we can do about it.
Not sure why all these feelings have suddenly hit me. It's been almost three years. Why can't I let go of you?
Oct 2013 · 403
How about it Bug?
Damaged Oct 2013
Let's just run away.
Let's just get drunk.
Yeah that sounds about right.
*Lets just run away and get drunk
Oct 2013 · 423
Those nights
Damaged Oct 2013
Tonight's just one of those nights.
You know the ones.
The endless thoughts.
The never ending tears.
Yeah, tonight's just one of those nights.
Oct 2013 · 1.1k
Cancer
Damaged Oct 2013
Cancer please just go away
Please just let my daddy stay
I still need him to cheer me on
And to walk me down the isle with my pretty white dress on
Cancer please just go away
Please just let my daddy stay
I can't stand to see him in all this pain
And watch him struggle as strength he tries to gain
Cancer please just go away
Please just let my daddy stay
I want him to stay around for many more years
I need him here to calm my fears
Cancer please just go away
Please just let my daddy stay*
I love him so much I don't want him to go
Cancer please leave his body is not your home
Sep 2013 · 364
How does it feel?
Damaged Sep 2013
Do you know what it's like?
To walk in the room and immediately wanting to leave.
Do you know how it feels to look around as everyone waits for coach to show up
Knowing no one really wants you there.
No one would notice if you were gone.
Do you know what it's like,
To feel hated.
By every single person you see?
Do you know what it's like to feel like me?
Sep 2013 · 424
To my best friend
Damaged Sep 2013
Babe please don't be mad I'm doing this because I care.
I never want anyone to hurt you again.
Not even lay a finger on your hair.
I know it's scary not knowing what's going to happen next.
But ill be here though it all, at your worst and at your best.
I just can't stand the thought of you being hurt anymore.
Since you told me the story I've had night mares of police showing up at my door.
All too vivid dreams of that day the phone rings
GIRL FOUND DEAD AT SCENE.
I can't let this go and I can't pretend that I don't know.
I love you more than you could ever comprehend.
I can't watch this anymore, the abuse has to end.
Sep 2013 · 730
Relapse
Damaged Sep 2013
I shouldn't feel this good.
I shouldn't feel this much relief.
Dragging steel across my skin,
then staring as it bleeds.
Sep 2013 · 1.4k
I'm not ready to say goodbye
Damaged Sep 2013
Every night I'm afraid I won't get to give you a hug again in the morning.

Every morning I'm afraid that when I say goodbye for school, it's really just goodbye.

Every day I'm afraid I'm going to come home and you won't be here.

Your body will be here, but your soul...

taken home...

*Daddy please don't go
I'm so afraid my dad isn't going to pull through. I won't be able to bear losing my dad.
Damaged Sep 2013
I hope you know.
I really hope you know that right now,
you're by far one of the only things keeping me holding on.
I hope you know that the simple little things you say,
they make my day.
My bestfriend doesn't even say things like that to me.
I hope you know you're keeping me holding on.
Sep 2013 · 3.4k
Leaving
Damaged Sep 2013
All week I've been dreading friday.
Because I know you're leaving.
Part of me is happy.
You're going to do and see great things.
It's time for a new chapter in life.
But the other part of me is beyond sad.
Because, what if i never see you again?
And what if I can't see you before you leave?
The thought of that breaks my heart.
You mean so much to mean and you always will.
I love you.
And I am forever changed my who you are and the friendship you have blessed me with.
Matthew James Walker I will miss you so much it hurts. You are truly a blessing to me and you mean the world to me. Have fun with all your adventures. I love you.
Sep 2013 · 1.3k
Invisible
Damaged Sep 2013
And another day will go by the no one notices the girl wearing a sweater in warm and sunny weather
Sep 2013 · 533
Pain
Damaged Sep 2013
The pain I can't handle overflows into the knife,  

I wear my brokenness on my arm.

I want to give up my life.
Damaged Sep 2013
As I read tears well in my eyes.
All I can think is "Don't give up, not tonight."
Or the next.
Or the next.
And every next day after that.
Don't give up.
I love you.
I want you.
I need you.
I know it's hard, but please Kay.
It'll be alright.

You told me before that if you had to live on this hell hole of a planet, then I did too.
Now I'm going to say the same back to you.
I know it's hard.
I know it hurts.
But please,
just hold on.
I promise you...
It will be alright.
"You are braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem. And smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, if we are ever apart I will always be with you"
Sep 2013 · 584
Good
Damaged Sep 2013
"How'd you sleep?"
Good

I didn't, I never do

"How was school?"
Good

It's full of ******* ******* and hypocrites

"How are your friends doing?"
Good

I don't know, they don't talk to me anymore

"How are you?"
Good

**I'm screaming inside, can anyone hear me?!
Sep 2013 · 301
Want to know?
Damaged Sep 2013
Want to know why I don't care anymore?


Because at one point, I cared too much


Want to know why I start all the fights and and press blades to my skin?


Because I need to feel something


Want to know the real me?


*Let's spend a night alone, then you'll see
Aug 2013 · 637
Well shit, my life
Damaged Aug 2013
Each day as evening startsto set
The ace builds in her chest
She knows she must go to bed
And try to get some rest

She hugs her tearstained pillow close
When no okne is around
And cries for one she loved and lost
And screams without a sound

Other see her in the day
They think she's doing well
But every day as evening sets
She enters her own hell

Time hasn't healed her pain at all
Or quieted all her fears
So every night alone in bed
She sheds those silent tears.
Found this on pinterest. It fits me perfectly
Aug 2013 · 684
I'm doing my best.
Damaged Aug 2013
Nights are getting longer.
I lay in bed just staring at the celing.
Days are getting harder.
Due partly to the lack of sleep.
Partly because It's getting harder to pretend I'm not falling apart.
Every time someone says "How are you?"
I just want to pour my heart out.
Finally let someone know I'm not okay.
Or when I say,
"I'm good."
I just want someone to look me in the eye and say "I know you're not."
For once I don't want to feel invisible.
More and more tears stream down my face
The pain wells inside until I break.
Silver steel friends coming out to play.
I do my best, but it's never enough.
I do my best to stay strong,
but I won't lie...it's tough.
I don't really trust anyone anymore,
I have my past to thank for that.
You see, I try my hardest day in and day out...
but really I just want to lay down.
Six feet under.
Underground.
Trying my best to express everything running through my head...Not even sure if half of this makes sense of if I'm just mindlessly rambling..
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