put the key in the ignition, the car into drive, and all your gross post-*** insecurities to the back of your mind. forget you don’t have a license. forget she’s asleep in the bed that knows your panic attacks like they’re a late-night tv special and roll out onto the road - don’t hit the neighbor’s buick - drive. drive.

take the route you used to sneak over to your boyfriend’s house in 7th grade. feel the ghosts of his hungry pubescent hands under your bra, get that old lump in your throat, wish you could go back in time and scream that you weren’t ready and that you’d never be ready and that one day you’ll be seventeen driving down his street hating the way he used to own you. remember that his street is also your street. remember that you’re worth owning things too.

pass by the house your best friend used to live in, back when summers meant hot cheetos and horchata instead of cigarettes and cheap sangria. pray that one day you’ll be that way again, happy and fearless and okay with being alone. scold yourself for praying.

forget where you’re going until your stomach growls and the road gets narrow. then keep driving.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

1. The other day I woke up and thought I knew who I was
I fell asleep and somewhere in between I lost myself
I lost the feeling in my stomach too
but we're still talking about how much we have in common.

2. My sweater got stuck on the hanger this morning
I started to rip it down
eventually I broke plastic and skin.
I haven't been back in my room since.

3. 12:06 PM Today my best friend came home and took most of our makeup
12:07 PM I messaged her and mocked our friendship.
12:07 PM She was in trouble with her grandma and had to hurry. She didn't know.
12:08 PM I broke down crying.

4. I woke up at 7:32 AM and took 4 shots
drank 2 beers
smoked four bowls
drank half a bottle of NyQuil and woke up the next day.
I have yet to figure out why.

5. I wanted to be a horse trainer for 9 years
then I decided I wanted to be an artist
worked on becoming a tattoo artist
matured into a writer
fell in love with photography
now I'm not even sure if I like school.

6. First scars appeared at 9
worst scars at 15.
First attempt at 10
almost wasn't an attempt at 14.

7. I've been happy the past few days
but I still want to **** myself
because soon I'll be drowning in depression
and succumbing to anxiety.

9. Once I got so bored
I thought myself into sorrow.
I didn't come out for a few hours
but by dinner I was laughing.

10. I used to be in love with a boy
but I didn't know
so I used whatever I could get
and now I'm alone.
I don't blame him.

11. I've mentally lost myself
as I screamed into the mirror
and it wasn't me talking to myself.
I don't really remember being there
but I was.

last night you pressed your coffee cup
to your cherry lips
& told me you kissed men when you were mad
girls when you were sad
& jackson bailey when he felt like it
you said you never really wanted to feel like this
like the night was a war
& you were just another solider fighting for some light
in your life
there were two good things that happened
sadness
& days when jackson bailey just wanted to hold you
instead of forcefully unhinge you

if i could have just held you
let slip under the sheets a sudden disbelief that
love wasn't about unbinding a woman at the seams
it seems we're all just little pieces
of some drunken mans broken dreams
& i want you to be free
i want you to breathe like that
with your skinny little frame
pressed up against a jukebox
bobbing your head to some incredible time stopping tune
instead of trying to erase the way the moon looked last night
i want your cotton shirt hanging on a tree
& your long brown hair floating on the breeze
& i want someone to kiss you
because you feel like it

Today I watched rain spatter like paint on my window pane
and I remembered how you looked the last night I ever saw you breathe
I remembered how you told me it was like heaving for air
when you don't have the lungs to lead
Yesterday I watched a feather fall from a birds wing
and I thought of how you floated through life
wishing you could fly away
I couldn't give you those wings
the wings you needed to pull the strings life couldn't give you
If I could've said "I know how it feels"
to be the beaten up vet looking into an empty bottle of whiskey
with the empty heart flooded with never ending sounds of a gun
to be the adopted child torn away from his mother
the woman beaten and battered by a man called friend
I could've said "I know what it feels like"
but I never did
and now I'm sitting here with your casket on my shoulder
Praying to God that someone will be bolder
than I ever could and hoped someone would
because now I'm sitting here collecting daisies in an open field
under your favourite sycamore tree
and I promised you I would write letters when you moved to Tennessee
You never made it
I carved your name in the pavement where you picked up that dying bird
and told me every single word of the songs your mother used to sing
about putting life in everything
You told me you couldn't do it
If I could have told you I know what it feels like
to lose your focus on the 9th inning of that World Series we call life
Instead you used your knife and carved a ****
and laid yourself in a bed of ashes
and I swore to God I'd never erase it
I couldn't erase it but time
It was always ticking, tick
tick
tick
If I could've wrapped my arm around yours
threw you on a boat and brought you to Venice
so you could have seen what beauty was
or I could've given you a mirror

I seem to have sipped on too many glasses of your name
now it's all over the bathroom floor

Reduced to a puddle of "I'm sorry's" and "Oh no's"
My sadness is not a wound for you to heal
or scrapped knees for you to kiss

Bones brittle like your words
promises like radio static

I wish I knew the shades of your intentions
Your words in the dark.

Dry swallow these pills just like you did your pride
These hands clumsier than this manic heart of mine

I wouldn’t mind being your morning coffee
Sleepy, warm, against your lips.

I tried to be a flower
attempted to be a kiss
trying not to be disappointed because
I’m still only human.

I couldn't believe how loved i felt
That thin cigarette stick
Between your index and *******
You inhaled
You exhaled
I couldn't stop smiling
It was a good day to be in love
Heavy rain
Quiet night
Your pale fingers ruled the world
It ruled mine

They keep telling me that there is more fish in the sea
But you were the whole ocean for me

sometimes you're a sickness when you're inside of me,
sometimes you're a cure