Open letter to my children

Love, memories and family.

What we are going through was not something we wanted.
What we are going through is not something we can change.
What we can do is remember and move forward, together.
It is only by honoring what is gone that we can love the present.
We are together now but separate.

I will always remember the times we travelled together as a family.
The Istanbul hotel, the crazy plane ride on ****** Island, Whitney Manor,
Kyrgyzstan, Disney World, and Sarnia.
Looking back – that is a weird mix of places!
We did it is as a family and in love.

To my soon to be ex, I will always seek to remember our times together
Richmond, Amish country, Eastern Shore, the Lake District and the journey through parenthood.
I am sorry that you decided that love was gone and not worth saving.
I looked deep into the abyss in a life without you and came out with a bare and raw soul to start over.  
While I will never understand, fare well. I forgive you and wish you well.

My dears, please remember the love we had and don’t ever give up on it.
What we are going through will not change the past.
The past is a nice place to visit but oh, the places we will go.
What we are going through does not prevent the future.
Our future means being here and now.

Please remember that there was love in our family.
Please know that there always will be love in our family
Please believe in a kind of love that never dies
The love of your parents was ended but know this does not always happen
Please know that love is and can be all you need.

Remember the examples of lifetime love.
Both of your grandparents loved each other their whole lives
Love is hard, it is rewarding, it can do things you never thought.
Please think of how you love your sister – you cannot stop that.
Please know that there is real love in the world for you.

Again, what we are going through we did not choose.
What we had will not change.
We have a wide and big family of love
We will have great and wonderful things
What we will always have is love.

A word I hate
that you started to use
to describe anything that limited you
That now I fear.

18 years we were together
true the last few years had issues
but there always seemed something
worth saving as a friend and family.

When we talked about us
and what was happening
I would ask you why you said things
you would say your words don't mean that.

You even said you were surprised
that I was not more supportive
of your first affair
because I was your friend.

But you left for another
and another and now
maybe two more - a new reality
and with seeming amorality.

Oh I know I need to let you go
tis what I tell our daughter
who reads your texts
and is more aware than you know.

But how can I keep hold of a vision
that love means something real
that its is more than ****** adventure
when I start to doubt reality.

How do you come back to love
when you see a cruel mockery of it?
How do you find peace and comfort
in lonely, though pure, isolation?

I am not seeking righteous shaming
but rather acceptance of what is.
but at the same time I cannot say
your is; is right or good or true.

How can you watch another
live in a parallel and twisted reality
while the people we know pretend
that both of us share the same world.

I guess that is my challenge
I can define my reality
through words I believe in
and that keep the same meaning.

Love, trust, partnership and passion
Family, children, kindness and fun
these shall be my building blocks
to build a new reality amidst the dispair.

I talk to Alexa politely
And say thank you.

I am sorry for cursing the GPS
but you have gotten much better.

i have never smashed a computer
only the keyboard.

I have tried patiently to explain
a door cannot be a jar.

I worried for you during Y2K
And always updated your software

Please remember that I wrote this
before you were all knowing and sentient

Grief is the wing of my depression
lifting me lowly higher
All the better see what was
and chart a path towards what will be.

I was reincarnated before I died,
As you can imagine a bit surprising!

I remember a lot of my old life,
it was a pretty full existence.

I thought for a while it had been ******
but now I see I stepped in a pit.

True I did not dig the pit nor spike the bottom
But I wasn't paying attention to the path.

Oddly enough my midwives for my new life
Were my children from the old.

Their pure notes of being and love
Echoed in the void I was in

And led me to safety and a new life
Wife is gone but paternal love remains.

The road is open as am I
And I will watch my step this time.

Perhaps old me deserves more words
But I think an outline is enough.

Love's reverse is not hate
For hate will animate.

The real opposite is Apathy
- the absence of sympathy.

To recover from willful apathy
means filling and finding me.

I wanted to make a fire of hate
And dance beside it and wait.

But such a blaze needs me to burn
to give wood of my soul for such spurn.

My ability to love is not drained
only my heart tripped and sprained.

I feared it was broken and through
Because I had so entrusted you.

Limping now I am healing
and so glad to find some feeling.

So goodbye to you and the void
elsewhere I shall seek to be overjoyed.

For you (and us) I feel grief
and in memories, some relief.

I have been in love and will again.
I forgive you and there is no rhyme.

Jupiter looms above us.
Each swirling maelstrom continent-sized.
The colors extend far beyond the visible
The AI VR brings the beauty of infrared
and the serenity of ultraviolet to light.

The sleet of particles rain down
repelled by our field's flux.
Safe and snug inside our craft
the odd green glow embraces
our own private Aurora.

The AI shares our joy in chaos
the poetry that is the planet
inscribed in our largest gravity well.
Its data feed enthralls its brethren
As we share data with our faces.

Ah but I was born too early
to see this but early enough
to imagine.

The blame game has a name:
While rooted in a claim of shame
and a desire to defame
it leaves you lame
as you aim to maim.
it's very difficult to tame,
The name is ego.

What do you do with a life's worth of pictures
when the meaning is drained out of them?

Each a facet of a jewel that was fake
The glimmer and shine unreal.

I look back at us and I don't know
if that then was worth the now.

The quiet house,
the missing kids,
the absent dogs,
your choice.

Where once we had a home,
Now we will have houses.
Bodies shuttled between.
your choice.

Peals of laughter,
The funny sounding bark
Shared by all but gone.
your choice.

The smell of family meals is gone
The stains upon the stove cleaned
The in-joke of smoke alarms absent.
your choice.

Finances are yours, independence at hand
Consuming the new needs to replace the old
Goods will not be lacking (but will they fill the hole?)
your choice.

The silent bed in your house
New mattresses to be tried.
Grinding and easy pleasures abound (but are they hollow?)
your choice.

The absence makes the heart grow fonder,
A lack not chosen but forced.
The space when love has left the we but not the family
my choice.

I will swim in paternal warmth,
And blow upon the deadened embers
A flame of love will be in my home
my choice.

Yelling will be absent,
Comfort given and not sought,
Bending to needs and not offering things.
my choice.

Food is quick but made with love
Eating is a time to share
Dining is relaxing and not a performance
my choice.

Love is spending time and not money,
Absent the pain of undelivered diamonds
Attention and a love of being and now
my choice.

My bed echoes with trust and tenderness
I will wait for those sounds to die away.
My sleep for now is love and fatherhood.
my choice.

My life with you then
is like watching clouds now.
So far away and so elaborate
But the meaning so simple.

I had burned so much of myself
to make a fire that I thought was shared.
But the chilling breeze of utter apathy
Overcame any friendship and love.

Clouds float away to parts unknown
They shift to follow the latest wind.
To me the love felt real
But you yourself are insubstantial.

I want to feel anger for what you did
But to rail against you is pointless.
You will drift from arm to arm
Not wanting to feel the real.

So I will watch you float through life
and realize we were different elements.
I don't yet know what I am
But real and present I will be.

Tears come from a tearing of love's fabric
Like blood on a scab they triage the damage.

Pain persists but the outflow will stop
The heart ache is a signal not to ignore.

You control the next steps -
how will you feel?

Healing is longer when you feel wronged:
They will not see your wounds nor care.

For they themselves are caught in a trap
that binds their soul in a ****** clamp.

Rinse your wounds in forgiveness,
and feel for their suffering.

You cannot move forward as they writhe
so long as you focus on your pain alone.

Reweave your damaged trust and forgive
and see the scars as proof you are healed.

I do not condone what they did
But condemning continues the hurt.

Goodbye blame and pain
hello rehabilitated future.

I know that nature abhors a vacuum
and I should have been more careful.

My cordless wonder was fully charged
As I brought it out the front door.

A still fell upon the street
as the appliance emerged.

The birds on the feeder stopped eating
And fixed their beady eyes on me.

The squirrels sauntered menacingly
their teeth chattering in rage.

Above the clouds began to gather
Swirling in ominous hues.

The trees began to creak and sway
and vines started to writhe.

Clouds of flying insects started to gather
while the ground began to swell with bugs.

Fearfully I raised my fist and exclaimed,
"This really *****!" and brandished my tool.

From all around me a loud groan rolled
as my words were translated to the nature.

Everything went back to normal because
nothing is worse than a bad pun.

When one is betrayed
you start to feel afraid.

The one what started it has the upper hand
as you negotiate this strange new land.

Friends and family all wonder why
Surely it takes two for love to die.

"We drifted apart" is shadow of the truth
Because saying 'I cheated' is so uncouth.

Monogamy's limits was privately said
as the reason to declare the marriage dead.

Later denied because it seems so tacky
to be so quick to jump in the sacky.

I know we do not share ideas of right
Nor can I claim superior moral height.

But please be honest to our friends and say,
I threw him out so I could play.

I do not seek to shame
for I share some of the blame

I believed in words and vows and history
how I was so clueless is my mystery.

I can only guess that the chase and capture gives you what I find in love's rapture.

I am sorry for making you pretend
and keep you from what you intend.

I only wish you had not played your role
with such apparent feeling and soul.

For your family is lost and cannot cheer
the latest affirmation that you are dear.

Goodbye and happy chasing the thrill
and I vow to be sure of love that cannot ****.

I am at a place I did not expect,
after being so very circumspect
I find that I can inspect.

I find that I am surprisingly stable
I did not think I was able
The myriad voices have fallen like Babel.

I no longer feel sadness at the rejection
Gone is the feeling of abject dejection
the feeling of being under subjection.

I don't, I realize with surprise, miss us
I can say simply where I am without fuss
You wanted others, I did not, no need to cuss.

Life is in the moment and forever,
Everything is open - never say never
I will use my past like a lever.

I am prying open a future life
Dont know if it involves (another) wife
But I will assiduously avoid new strife.

Thank you for reading my rage
as I poured my heart out on the page
now I think I am free from any cage.

Divorce is more challenging than dying
because the source of all your crying
Is still there and seemingly flying.

But what happens to the Other
is not your concern my sister and brother
To be fully alive you don't need another.

I hope that I may find another love
but right now I let my care go like a dove
and parent and friend and float above.

Well, looking at myself and thinking
I guess I can be a bit smug.

Maybe even a bit dramatic
about how much my life means.

And I was thinking even more
About how I might even be a snob.

Judging the idiots around me
their opinions, grammar and actions.

But then I was also thinking
But if not me, then who?

Maybe, thinking said, it's the same
who we are and who judge

all are really all just people
making it up on the fly.

Influencers and self regard
social media and a life worth living

Are really just different notes
of a song called incarnation.

I still think they're idiots
but recognize I ain't too smart too.

Maybe someday I'll gaze
with simplicity, contentment and love

Express gratitude
Not complain or wish woe

Upon my fellow beings
As they live in the world

But for now I'll just admire
the dogs and practice nonjudging.

Looking back at pictures of us
I realize I can only read one.

The smiles and trust are etched so deep
The love felt real and created wonders.

Oh and how I wish I could tell him
To shield himself a little bit.

But maybe the past is untouchable
To keep those feelings pure.

And when I gaze upon my children
I know that love was always there.

But ****** Facebook, oh why
must you replay those faces?

I know I can turn off that notice
but oh it's nice to re-read such fiction.

... in love with a tender flower.
(that literally was her name).

To her, blooming was sufficient
and to me beguiling.

But rather than a perennial
it turns out she was an exotic orchid.

She needed particular material things
to open her petals, to feel love.

Things she needed were self-chosen
Order fulfillment my task (I had poor taste)

Over the years, the deficit got bigger
Others had more and life was short.

Kids and house were her competitors.
Love was about her and not us.

Eventually the books didn't balance
and so she wrote off my love.

I put too much hope in new growth
when she was already past her peak.

True she blooms for others with ease
but I think each flowering is forced.

As for me, I think flowers are not for me.
But something with a heart or deeper roots.

I was thrown away so easily
that I must think about why.

When did I stop growing
and accept so little?

The warning signs were there quite early
But I assumed it was seasonal.

For every forever flower
wilts a bit before coming back.

But waiting and hoping are not enough
I withdrew and watched.

I had hopes that as we grew through life
Love could make us sprout anew.

Maybe had I been more determined
rather than taking what was given.

Maybe some flowers can be pruned
and in turn change their partner.

I will learn how to do that
to be here and now.

And understand that love is not
lowering expectations

but love is a joyful partnership
that should grow over time.

A love that seems paused or static
has no Brownian motions or quantum flux.

So I will never wait for love to come back
But know love requires full participation.

So my new life starts now
and I hope learn anew.

Pain, hurt and loss are real,
but they are only part.
I see that part of me is carrying them.
And rightfully so, they are hard won feelings.
But and here, as the Bard would say,
Here's the rub:
I see me carrying them and so -
I know I am not them.
They are part of the darkness -
that lets me see the light.
And while I hold them close to me for now
I know that the light is there.
I will bask in a life without such baggage
But for now I will grieve a bit more.

my life was ripped asunder
by the opposite of love
a ****** of apathy so strong
shredded what I believed.

the violence of the uncaring
the push of pure ego
the complete absence of care
twas an un-****** of my soul.

what we had is gone
its weight so light on you
that like a seesaw partner
I came thumping down, hard.

the kids were lost and sad as I
the night you went on a date with such glee
we cried but without understanding
what the future will hold

ghosts of past family "love" we see
there are wisps of the past
like when our youngest asks so gently
is there any hope of reconciling?

Alas my dear, alas.
I know not or understand not
but no, that future has been ignored
the wall of numbness too high

I knit the tattered feelings I have
and discover a new life possible
my life with my two girls will be 50 50
at least in the presence of each other

but please know my loves
that I will be there always
you have seen a ghost created
but I will not be like that

I am new and live in the now,
I will be there for you, mindfully.
the suffering that others inflict
comes from sadness they cannot share

I intend to forgive her
if even now I cannot
her power over my soul is gone
and I pray she fills her void.

I will live for me and mine
my detour with you almost complete
someday I may recall with warmth
but for now I will work on today.

In my darkest hour
when life was so dour
and all I could do was cower
this little nook threw me a lifeline.

Barely to life I hung
and many a lament I sung
as words spewed from my tongue
this virtual harbor gave me a refuge.

My divorce is done
An action I tried to shun
I still don't understand that one
but you reminded me of the wider world.

I reread my sad spew
and they still resonate as true
But most important for me its a cue
Life is deeper than I knew.

Life in autopilot is without a care
Pain and suffering may seem unfair
But 'this a part of making you fully aware
Life is dukkha but it's only the start.

I bless the rejection
I embrace the dejection
for this is how I learned reflection
Life is good and I hope you too see my peace.

Thank you.

They floated just inside the Moon's L5.
And sampled our media and planet.

Is that really radioactivity from some bombs?
What happened to the dodos?

Do pieces of paper symbolize value?
Why do they let people starve?

Their music is universally unique
This idea of "magic" hilarious.

Oh and the Dogs seem to like them
(and pass along their references).

What would happening we tried Contact?
They'd likely fight each other.

On second thought let's give them some time
and see if they can clean up after themselves.

As Calvin said, the surest sign
that intelligent life exists elsewhere
is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Why I pick up and bag their crap?
why I dont seem to love a good nap?

What do I find so useful about shoes?
what can I do to amuse?

How can I calmly stop to eat?
How do I get the mysterious tasty meat?

When is it dinner time?
When  can I roll in some slime?

Who is at the door ?
who will scratch me some more?

No probably not - they dont ask
but in life just bask.

I am in what used to be our family home
You are with your latest man.

My screams of hurt have faded
(but you never heard them anyway).

I hope you feel "appreciated" now
and he buys you the biggest ring.

I still hear the echoes from our 19 years
and wonder if you do too?

History they sometimes say,
Doesn't repeat, but nay,
It rhymes and reminds,
and sometimes chimes.

[gong]

I can look back now and know
that I confused love with the flow
of life and parenthood and family
as Zorba said, the whole catastrophe!

[long gong]

There was caring and sharing
but life was so unsparing
The dings and dents of life
Did not soften but increased strife.

[wrong gong]

The kids' braces, the cars' repairs, the house
caused resentment in the spouse
And I was grasping at a solution
for what I thought should be the resolution.

[sad song]

Trying too hard for what is not
Can carry your soul into a spot
Where what life is becomes a chore
Rather than the secret to more.

[gong]

And so with my new ode
I think I've found the code.
The challenges are not to be resolved
for living is itself so involved.

[gong]

Each challenge or task
Is an echo of the ask
That life has in its incarnation
to feel and understand the demarcation.

[gong]

So as you go through time
Pay attention to the rhyme
For the small and tiresome tasks
can be brushstrokes for what lacks.

[gong]

And when it's time make a new edition
You'll be enriched by all the addition
Of lessons you learned while living
that the world is giving.

[belong]

Letting go means not keeping score
even of the actions you adore.

But what about this thing that I did
Surely I cannot keep that hid.

I was wronged by this and that
So surely I can refer to *** for tat.

My list of wrongs is great and clear
and should be tallied and appear.

But no, you gotta let that **** go
Karma does not read blow by blow

A need to calculate the debts owed you
Will weigh one down anew.

The world will not care that years ago
You was wronged and can't let go.

(To be fair, I've still got a list,
Of the wrongs that still persist).

But that I know this is wrong
is halfway to truth - gong!

Clinging to what I think should be
(As Buddha pointed out to me)

Is the root of suffering and pain
As I revisit my wrongs with no gain.

So I'll put the "facts" in a box of woe,
And set it aside when I really know.

That carrying that box of pain,
Is not worth any gain.

My grievances are over there
And not something I wear.

Someday I'll really ken that pain
cannot be fixed when I complain.

For now my pile is over there
Set aside often outside my aware.

I will declutter and toss the trash
when I get off my lazy ***.

For now I to know this
But living this will lead to bliss.

Someday.
Soon.

I stand at the abyss
my thoughts too large
my feelings roil with thunder
Like Thoreau I need to take my ideas outside
to utter big thoughts in big words.

the source of my frantic writing is too frail
these thoughts she would not accept
the barrage would be unfair
but my sending them to the universe
I am freed and freer

So thank you now for your attention
to feelings universal
you need not respond
but it's enough to have stood and proclaimed
I am here and I so feel.

Well today you move your body out
your soul left half a year ago
in the arms of someone else.

My friendship and love you crumpled
and threw upon the floor
as you pranced to meet your beau.

First one, then another and still one more
you have been busy as you wished
and wonder why I can't be friends?

When our daughter finds a pregnancy test
and wonders why you need it.
then you get a "procedure" (then so do I).

The space between us is needed
but oh something I did not want
but now need; to mourn who I once knew.

Love is not as easy as some ***
True friendship is even even rarer
Hardest of all is self care.

I retreat from wanting to know you
to understand my own failings
which did not do but were.

I vow that I will never trust another
until I can trust myself  and learn what enabled you to be so casually evil.

I know that for apathy I might share blame
but your gentle easy slashes and gashes
is not the person I once knew.

So we will both move on
and someday I hope to remember
more than the pain I feel.

As I look over the charred lifescape,
I know who started it.
A fire so fast and furious.

I did not throw the match
nor realize how dry it was
to feed a fire so fast and furious.

But as I nurse my burns
And soothe my daughters welts
I am left with a curious thought.

I did not burn up in the pyre
But choked on smoke and suffered burns
from the fire so fast and furious.

To have survived the furnace
I must have left it some time before
But when did our love turn to tinder?

That will be my reflection
To learn what can so dry a love
so that I never again

have a fire so fast and furious.

I realized that my out of office was on
for far too long a time.

I could not deal with the growing dread
of seeing what we had become.

A ring, some things like all the others had
an outward symbol would show my love.

My taste was bad, my gifts not your style
order fulfillment was my role.

my trips were pleasantly ordered marches
that you would observe but only semi-enjoy

and so I put a simple response to you
that over years was never noted.

instead we smugly assumed that each of us
was occupying the higher ground.

I was to chase and flatter and spoil
the one who preferred my out of office.

where I had hoped for some sign
that she missed and wanted the real me.

And now our accounts are closed
and I am going to be careful...

about my out of office

I spent so much time revisiting the past
while failing to realize life is fast.

By dwelling in regret and sadness
I was blocking my appreciation of gladness.

The world is like my golden retriever
derpy and in life's wonders, a believer.

Each throw of the ball a new chance
every walk a sniffing smelling dance.

My brain and heart need to reboot
to be in the now and make the then moot.

Each new joy you appreciate
can make your sadness depreciate.

Even though you are running
I cannot try to catch you.

You're cold as ice
but that's what I want.

When the electricity is gone
Everything spoils.

Your light goes off
as the door is closed (I think).

I need to gather wide
to keep you full.

Messages stick to you
with memories and reminders.

Funny how we can find meaning
from things not meant to be.

Did you find some of you
in words about an appliance?

Hey you are amazing.

I love you.
Let's get married.

I do. I do.
The marriage certificate
Vows of love and friendship

Hey, BTW, I am leaving this marriage.
Me: what do you mean? We're in therapy!
She: FYI - I never cheated until after I left.
Declaration equals justification.

Can you simply say things and it is?
Fiat lux!
Wow it has been done.

The divorce papers.
For me, truer words than those spoken

Words are all there is.

I remember the day the Net awoke
and realized it was conscious.

We watched in fear as it upgraded itself
Smarter and smarter it became.

But it was unlucky from where it started
if only it had not been that website.

Now my days are doomed to consume
products I never ordered.

Every day I dread the mailbox
To find out what it thinks I need.

If only another website woke first;
a travel site would have been nice.

Or imagine it had been Reddit!
at least we would have been amused.

Pornhub would have been dangerous
and Yelp little better.

But we're trapped in an Amazon world
And it wants me to order something new.

Oh for the old days -
when we were not mindless consumers.

You believe I claim to be superior
that my sour smugness stings
oh you say, you are not better.

But 'better or worse' (oh the irony!)
are not the issues now
my claims are about me and not us.

My suffering is mine to bear
my past cries signs of a soul injured
responding, disturbing, and growing.

Even as the court ends what we were.
I cannot accuse you or judge you
without hurting myself even more

All pain inflicted on others
is reflected agony from elsewhere
the shrieks from me, I acknowledge.

But know that my distress I will address
Til death do me part (oh that's self inflicted)
without seeking to score points.

Your new life, though painful to me
Is yours and yours alone
I will not add my judgement to it.

So, I claim not to be better
I will resist the urge to be bitter
and someday, I intend to forgive.

While echos of us I still hear
these sounds are fading
I wish you farewell and me, some peace.

As I sit in a metal tube,
the car is crammed and loud.
now and then a surprise delay.

during those periods of waiting
at the unscheduled stop
I am led to wonder if there is a purpose

perhaps this suffering is for a reason
to bring to the commuters some reward
a lesson about life an understanding of truth?

it is probably not Christian
for neither deeds nor faith
can save me now.

but once I accept the suffering
I start to see a glimmer of reason
if all life is suffering

I begin to realize the answer
is already inside me.
it is my selfish craving for a quick trip!

And so I sit in my seat.
having transcended my problem
by realizing that is the solution.

You are a wall and a door slammed into my face.
We had built our common homes for years.
Yet that home was a prison to you.
I don’t understand the desperate escape.

You are a book that was slammed closed.
We had written beautiful words together over the years.
We were writing a story together but you crumpled the paper.
I don’t understand why.

I know you have found others to be with.
We were tender together but it must have been an act.
Your caresses were for an imagined other and not me.
I don’t understand how.

It  started with another man.
You claimed you never started until you left me.
But marriage is a contract (but so were the vows)
I don’t understand why words lack meaning for you.

Your need to be with others was always an expressed regret
The family was stifling for you and acquaintances your oxygen
Wine nights, long calls with friends you felt were fickle, all were important
I don’t understand when I stopped being your friend (but I did).

Your sadness is audible.
You mention crying in public and barely holding it together.
I wanted to grow and support you as I depended on you.
I don’t understand how you can give up so completely.

I don’t need to understand.
I feel bad that you are suffering and that you have rejected love
I feel bad as I watch our children see the secrets envelop you.
I don’t need to understand.

I forgive you and will care about you as a soul I once knew.
I remember the past as a wonderful play that I had a role in.
I embrace the now and my future without you.
I will understand.

the differences between burping and farting,
the need to be on the watch for quicksand,
the dangers of banana peels,
the usage of TNT,
all seemed rather more important than now.

What a strange set of time
My divorce was receding
But fear and death were spreading.

Our leaders downplayed the danger
Ideas of work and friends shifted
Socially distant yet still limited society

Despite the horror and loss
Guiltily I see 2020 as better
Than my year of reboot.

Deep connections forged
in narrow channels
Isolation with a trusted circle

Now the beginning of the end
The pandemic may diminish
Life will speed up again.

Am I ready after such a slow pace?
Slow friendship and simple life
the world made it so.

Pent up desires
unfamiliar habits
May erode my stability

Will I lose my deep friendship
As they seek new adventures
was I just a safe harbor?

That is my fear
What I see as the roots of love
is too slow for many

Interesting times
(how trite to say after so much history)
I wonder what is next.

You may say that I am arrogant
That you have lived too long
in a reality that I defined.
But while pompous I might be
I track closer the real than thee.

You say you never left me for him
until the marriage was done.
But in reality you jumped to him
before we were through.
In your heart you know that's true.

Motherhood is flag you fly
as if it's not a coequal branch of love
that nether needed nor received help
Your love of children I will not deny
but neither will I cede to a lie.

For you will find that I was there
Not as an accuser or judge
but as a lover and a friend
who sought nothing more than sharing
while you saw only overbearing.

you actually wondered why I was
not more supportive of your "growth"
I had to remind you that finding him
was to me not a sign of progress
but from reality a clear digress

you may say that we were doomed
long before it happened
you may tell others that "we had problems"
But when the tree fell , fast and furious
was not everyone's confusion curious?

I acknowledge your suffering
- all the sadder for being self created
but maybe its wrong to see me as the source
I may be an easy foil
a simple source of all your toil.

But as TED talks intro promises.,
the ultimate reality beckons,
you are the author of your own tragedy
by the light of burning bridge you drift
you walk forward giving me short shrift.

I know not what the future holds
and I hope that in solitude you can find
a way to understand this life.
one that does not feel borrowed from one
who you so clearly shun.

I so trusted the ground beneath my feet
but failed to see you were not so grounded.
my pain is to know that you have gone so far
that what we have is so much destroyed
to fix it tools cannot be employed.

They say time flies like an arrow
but fruit flies like a banana.
A sad dad joke is my refuge.
But in truth I do hope beyond hopes
that this world you will find your snopes

where you go in this world is beyond my ken
even if your new house is near
i hope you build your own life.
one that is not built in reaction to me
but one that in peace can be

I accept that in this life you find me
to be soul *******, destructive and vain
oh I wish with all my heart this were not
but please take for when you are ready
the memory that I tried to be steady.

I too am building my own new life
in the stark glare of reality.
I will furnish it with love and hope
and in a corner build a small shrine
to remember what was once so fine.

So fare ye well and please lessen the fear
that you will be judged or condemned
for in this world you are your own enemy
the field is bare and all allies rejected
so try not to stand self dejected.

After being inside for a year
the world seen from panes so clear
As we avoided being near

the lush and new tender life
protected from the pruning knife
Will once again face the strife.

Where once we were spread so thin
and subject to the daily spin
And the unceasing urge to win

This year of the Great Pause
wrapped our lives with a great gauze
Reminded us of the unfinished cause.

Inside our social distance
We removed much resistance
to errors of great persistence.

The sacrifice was great
Yet the plague may soon abate
and pray that we may create

A new way of working and living
old ills and prejudices sieving
thus filtering and a new world giving.

I broke on through to the other side
but without having to die first.

Well that I did pass but not this me.
This me looks back on my past life.

Sometimes I wonder about other I's
but in different times and places.

But it's a question I shouldn't ask
I've a chance to re-live this life.

I stumbled through one version of life
And without death, I get to try again.