Well, looking at myself and thinking
I guess I can be a bit smug.
Maybe even a bit dramatic
about how much my life means.
And I was thinking even more
About how I might even be a snob.
Judging the idiots around me
their opinions, grammar and actions.
But then I was also thinking
But if not me, then who?
Maybe, thinking said, it's the same
who we are and who judge
all are really all just people
making it up on the fly.
Influencers and self regard
social media and a life worth living
Are really just different notes
of a song called incarnation.
I still think they're idiots
but recognize I ain't too smart too.
Maybe someday I'll gaze
with simplicity, contentment and love
Not complain or wish woe
Upon my fellow beings
As they live in the world
But for now I'll just admire
the dogs and practice nonjudging.
Letting go means not keeping score
even of the actions you adore.
But what about this thing that I did
Surely I cannot keep that hid.
I was wronged by this and that
So surely I can refer to *** for tat.
My list of wrongs is great and clear
and should be tallied and appear.
But no, you gotta let that **** go
Karma does not read blow by blow
A need to calculate the debts owed you
Will weigh one down anew.
The world will not care that years ago
You was wronged and can't let go.
(To be fair, I've still got a list,
Of the wrongs that still persist).
But that I know this is wrong
is halfway to truth - gong!
Clinging to what I think should be
(As Buddha pointed out to me)
Is the root of suffering and pain
As I revisit my wrongs with no gain.
So I'll put the "facts" in a box of woe,
And set it aside when I really know.
That carrying that box of pain,
Is not worth any gain.
My grievances are over there
And not something I wear.
Someday I'll really ken that pain
cannot be fixed when I complain.
For now my pile is over there
Set aside often outside my aware.
I will declutter and toss the trash
when I get off my lazy ***.
For now I to know this
But living this will lead to bliss.
So, yeah, I'm complaining that I cannot tell "my side of the story" when I feel wronged. **** that's tough. I know it's wrong because there really is no universal tribunal that would look at my life and say, yes, on the whole you were more right than wrong. But we all want one, right? Just got to let it go and remember we're all in the same boat.
I broke on through to the other side
but without having to die first.
Well that I did pass but not this me.
This me looks back on my past life.
Sometimes I wonder about other I's
but in different times and places.
But it's a question I shouldn't ask
I've a chance to re-live this life.
I stumbled through one version of life
And without death, I get to try again.
After being inside for a year
the world seen from panes so clear
As we avoided being near
the lush and new tender life
protected from the pruning knife
Will once again face the strife.
Where once we were spread so thin
and subject to the daily spin
And the unceasing urge to win
This year of the Great Pause
wrapped our lives with a great gauze
Reminded us of the unfinished cause.
Inside our social distance
We removed much resistance
to errors of great persistence.
The sacrifice was great
Yet the plague may soon abate
and pray that we may create
A new way of working and living
old ills and prejudices sieving
thus filtering and a new world giving.
What a strange set of time
My divorce was receding
But fear and death were spreading.
Our leaders downplayed the danger
Ideas of work and friends shifted
Socially distant yet still limited society
Despite the horror and loss
Guiltily I see 2020 as better
Than my year of reboot.
Deep connections forged
in narrow channels
Isolation with a trusted circle
Now the beginning of the end
The pandemic may diminish
Life will speed up again.
Am I ready after such a slow pace?
Slow friendship and simple life
the world made it so.
Pent up desires
May erode my stability
Will I lose my deep friendship
As they seek new adventures
was I just a safe harbor?
That is my fear
What I see as the roots of love
is too slow for many
(how trite to say after so much history)
I wonder what is next.
In my darkest hour
when life was so dour
and all I could do was cower
this little nook threw me a lifeline.
Barely to life I hung
and many a lament I sung
as words spewed from my tongue
this virtual harbor gave me a refuge.
My divorce is done
An action I tried to shun
I still don't understand that one
but you reminded me of the wider world.
I reread my sad spew
and they still resonate as true
But most important for me its a cue
Life is deeper than I knew.
Life in autopilot is without a care
Pain and suffering may seem unfair
But 'this a part of making you fully aware
Life is dukkha but it's only the start.
I bless the rejection
I embrace the dejection
for this is how I learned reflection
Life is good and I hope you too see my peace.
This is the end of this cycle of my poems. I cried while writing them but this site and the comments and readers and other poems were so beautiful. Thank you.
I am at a place I did not expect,
after being so very circumspect
I find that I can inspect.
I find that I am surprisingly stable
I did not think I was able
The myriad voices have fallen like Babel.
I no longer feel sadness at the rejection
Gone is the feeling of abject dejection
the feeling of being under subjection.
I don't, I realize with surprise, miss us
I can say simply where I am without fuss
You wanted others, I did not, no need to cuss.
Life is in the moment and forever,
Everything is open - never say never
I will use my past like a lever.
I am prying open a future life
Dont know if it involves (another) wife
But I will assiduously avoid new strife.
Thank you for reading my rage
as I poured my heart out on the page
now I think I am free from any cage.
Divorce is more challenging than dying
because the source of all your crying
Is still there and seemingly flying.
But what happens to the Other
is not your concern my sister and brother
To be fully alive you don't need another.
I hope that I may find another love
but right now I let my care go like a dove
and parent and friend and float above.