In my darkest hour
when life was so dour
and all I could do was cower
this little nook threw me a lifeline.
Barely to life I hung
and many a lament I sung
as words spewed from my tongue
this virtual harbor gave me a refuge.
My divorce is done
An action I tried to shun
I still don't understand that one
but you reminded me of the wider world.
I reread my sad spew
and they still resonate as true
But most important for me its a cue
Life is deeper than I knew.
Life in autopilot is without a care
Pain and suffering may seem unfair
But 'this a part of making you fully aware
Life is dukkha but it's only the start.
I bless the rejection
I embrace the dejection
for this is how I learned reflection
Life is good and I hope you too see my peace.
This is the end of this cycle of my poems. I cried while writing them but this site and the comments and readers and other poems were so beautiful. Thank you.
I am at a place I did not expect,
after being so very circumspect
I find that I can inspect.
I find that I am surprisingly stable
I did not think I was able
The myriad voices have fallen like Babel.
I no longer feel sadness at the rejection
Gone is the feeling of abject dejection
the feeling of being under subjection.
I don't, I realize with surprise, miss us
I can say simply where I am without fuss
You wanted others, I did not, no need to cuss.
Life is in the moment and forever,
Everything is open - never say never
I will use my past like a lever.
I am prying open a future life
Dont know if it involves (another) wife
But I will assiduously avoid new strife.
Thank you for reading my rage
as I poured my heart out on the page
now I think I am free from any cage.
Divorce is more challenging than dying
because the source of all your crying
Is still there and seemingly flying.
But what happens to the Other
is not your concern my sister and brother
To be fully alive you don't need another.
I hope that I may find another love
but right now I let my care go like a dove
and parent and friend and float above.
I know that nature abhors a vacuum
and I should have been more careful.
My cordless wonder was fully charged
As I brought it out the front door.
A still fell upon the street
as the appliance emerged.
The birds on the feeder stopped eating
And fixed their beady eyes on me.
The squirrels sauntered menacingly
their teeth chattering in rage.
Above the clouds began to gather
Swirling in ominous hues.
The trees began to creak and sway
and vines started to writhe.
Clouds of flying insects started to gather
while the ground began to swell with bugs.
Fearfully I raised my fist and exclaimed,
"This really *****!" and brandished my tool.
From all around me a loud groan rolled
as my words were translated to the nature.
Everything went back to normal because
nothing is worse than a bad pun.
My life with you then
is like watching clouds now.
So far away and so elaborate
But the meaning so simple.
I had burned so much of myself
to make a fire that I thought was shared.
But the chilling breeze of utter apathy
Overcame any friendship and love.
Clouds float away to parts unknown
They shift to follow the latest wind.
To me the love felt real
But you yourself are insubstantial.
I want to feel anger for what you did
But to rail against you is pointless.
You will drift from arm to arm
Not wanting to feel the real.
So I will watch you float through life
and realize we were different elements.
I don't yet know what I am
But real and present I will be.
the divorce is almost finalized. I am starting to meet people but so surprised and hurt how quickly she has moved on. I know I need to continue my growth and learn more about me before I can be with another.
A word I hate
that you started to use
to describe anything that limited you
That now I fear.
18 years we were together
true the last few years had issues
but there always seemed something
worth saving as a friend and family.
When we talked about us
and what was happening
I would ask you why you said things
you would say your words don't mean that.
You even said you were surprised
that I was not more supportive
of your first affair
because I was your friend.
But you left for another
and another and now
maybe two more - a new reality
and with seeming amorality.
Oh I know I need to let you go
tis what I tell our daughter
who reads your texts
and is more aware than you know.
But how can I keep hold of a vision
that love means something real
that its is more than ****** adventure
when I start to doubt reality.
How do you come back to love
when you see a cruel mockery of it?
How do you find peace and comfort
in lonely, though pure, isolation?
I am not seeking righteous shaming
but rather acceptance of what is.
but at the same time I cannot say
your is; is right or good or true.
How can you watch another
live in a parallel and twisted reality
while the people we know pretend
that both of us share the same world.
I guess that is my challenge
I can define my reality
through words I believe in
and that keep the same meaning.
Love, trust, partnership and passion
Family, children, kindness and fun
these shall be my building blocks
to build a new reality amidst the dispair.
Why I pick up and bag their crap?
why I dont seem to love a good nap?
What do I find so useful about shoes?
what can I do to amuse?
How can I calmly stop to eat?
How do I get the mysterious tasty meat?
When is it dinner time?
When can I roll in some slime?
Who is at the door ?
who will scratch me some more?
No probably not - they dont ask
but in life just bask.
When one is betrayed
you start to feel afraid.
The one what started it has the upper hand
as you negotiate this strange new land.
Friends and family all wonder why
Surely it takes two for love to die.
"We drifted apart" is shadow of the truth
Because saying 'I cheated' is so uncouth.
Monogamy's limits was privately said
as the reason to declare the marriage dead.
Later denied because it seems so tacky
to be so quick to jump in the sacky.
I know we do not share ideas of right
Nor can I claim superior moral height.
But please be honest to our friends and say,
I threw him out so I could play.
I do not seek to shame
for I share some of the blame
I believed in words and vows and history
how I was so clueless is my mystery.
I can only guess that the chase and capture gives you what I find in love's rapture.
I am sorry for making you pretend
and keep you from what you intend.
I only wish you had not played your role
with such apparent feeling and soul.
For your family is lost and cannot cheer
the latest affirmation that you are dear.
Goodbye and happy chasing the thrill
and I vow to be sure of love that cannot ****.
Sorry I am still working through never expressed anger. During my divorce I have been rather, as the British might say, gormless but only because I was so lost and stupefied.