you've taught me
how to turn myself
inside out
and come home.

frozen blades of grass
brushing worn soles
cushioning the pathway
back to your house.
I passed out
and dreamt that familiar faces
swore for a world without me.
I believed them
unconsciously pouring out more tears.
broken nervous words.

I know the roads
that will take me to your street.
too terrified to walk
knowing that it's abandoned
leaving broken glass stuck in my feet.

I've laid here long enough
to realize the pain in my stomach.
Who are we to become so busy?
Who are we to forget?

Holding back
as lines start to blur
we forget who we were
with no answers on what to fix.

cold nights shake me.

"I'll stop believing in you
when you stop being real."

trepidation.
walk on eggshells. Don't make the wrong move. words are more powerful than you know. vanquished by them, yet again. Woulds never heal when written by a blade of sound.
walk away.
hopeless, forlorn. dejected and rejected. failure cuts a knife so deep. why. Never should make a person feel, this way. rejected. a state of being denied, shunned, dropped, jilted or abandoned. Drop-kicked is more accurate. through thoughts and feelings and walls of un-intention. Unintentional doesn't mean, unafflicting. It's not unconditional.
Up, down, turn around. Hide and seek, but words will always find you. Ominous. Noxious. Apocalyptic. Impending and inauspicious, never pending doom. Don't drown. words surround. Overpower and oppress, get in touch with loneliness. Inescapable. Better to surrender. words.
Immobilize. Can't even hear. Things being said, here. take out. shut off. take over. can't control. it's overtaking. seize power. let go. it'll never stop. Beaten. Buried. Conquered. No respite here. Weariness, none do care. Defeated, run-over. a dump truck of cruelty crushing, running over your heart. The soul is next. **** the heart, now defeat the senses. can't, survive. stressed and, suppressed.
The power of a consonant hath never been matched.
Rip apart, tear down from the start. People don't matter when reduced to mere words and petty emotion. Remove humanity. Steal personality. Nothing matters. Anymore. Disheartened and, Decomposed. Striped bare. unaware. doesn't matter, anymore.
forebodingly frightful. frustrating, feeble, failing, falling, faintheartedly framed. Fuddled. Flustered. No solution to this mess. no respite from such unbearable distress. The fright won't subside.
What a great terror, to be left outside. Alone. In the dark. words. tear, destroy. Shut out in the cold, still scared and alone. Abandoned and deserted. Desolate in a land of cruel misintentions. Uneager comprehensions.
Falling, no stopping. Fear suffocating any chance for hope. Fall.

Shhhh.....
I've found a different method now
Shhhh.....
Because you've taught me
what I learnt as a child
Shhhh....
Because words are too loud
So we turn to voice
softer
sometimes

Maybe I should turn to keys
Black and white keys
I play soft slow songs
Pedal pressing down

Maybe I should turn to art
each sketch releasing pressure
no
art reveals too much
and creates too much
stress

No writing
Because that's the whole point
Words are too permanent
Words are too impactful
Words are creatures of immense power

Physical pain on the other hand
is too much pain
and keeping silent is just not
good
for
pain

But no matter what
I must never turn to my mind
Imagination stopped being useful
About 2 years ago

My mind is too repetitive
Pictures repeat too much
Words flash too much
My mind adds salt
My mind adds fire
My mind adds ****.

Why does it have to be so hard?
Being fitting in the castle again, again,
and again.
The vicious circle.

Attempting to shut down the part of me
which it's made who I am
but fiercely intrigued.

You wouldn't
understand that in art and in our lives
what possibly most vulnerable is
An elegant, riveting and haunting inquiry
into tragic, damaged and heartless in the state of mind.

One for surrender,
and the others
is non-existent
If there's the other way around
the possibilities for salvation comes up with it.

Where are you standing up on?

What do you expect from life,
I do wonder,
Life does confuse me,
And helps me think,
It makes up my mind for me,
But sometimes my brain seems to sink,

What do you expect from life,
I do wonder,
I don't expect much,
As life is a compartment of it's own,
Life seems to ponder upon me it always seems to grab clutch,
sometimes it tends to make me moan,

What do you expect from life,
I do wonder,
Life isn't always hidden but isn't always shown,
sometimes it's in the wind and the warm summer's breeze,
You can find it in a fish pond or even in art each different color's tone,
sometimes it slips into your tongue and mouth slipping words out with ease,

What do you expect from life,
I do wonder,
It's probably something yet UNKNOWN......

This one's for me
and I'm gonna watch it burn.
Watch it flicker and pop and crackle and spit.
Gonna take lessons on how to dance with the draft,
also hoping she doesn't ******* out.
I'll make poems out of smoke and shadows
and fading, lonesome, sepia-tone summer photographs.
I want to make dusty picture frames feel like well-loved tuxedos.
I'm gonna see if candlelight can be all the company I need to keep.
Gonna sweep this floor clean,
like it's not what we say, it's what we mean
between the lines of
one too-polished table setting:
one knife,
one spoon,
but two forks for wishful thinking.
I'm gonna eat my fill
and fill my cup again and again,
to the point that I begin to make conversation
with my reflection in the bathroom mirror.
I'll tell that *******, "My friend, you are drunk."
and he'll tell me, "Kid, look who's talking."
Then it'll be back to a glass
that treats its brim like a suggestion.
Gonna have whisky and black lager and champagne
'til my toes and thumbs tingle.
Thin blooded and numbed;
Steeled by my father's novocain.
Come morning, this house couldn't get more hollow.

In these hallowed halls where I wallow in the way that
I only seem to appreciate the preciousness of days
Once they've passed,
here's what I'm gonna do:
I'm gonna write questions on one side of the wooden window blinds,
and write punchlines to completely unrelated jokes on the other.
I don't know why. Maybe just to **** with people.

I'm gonna reminisce with full streets of ghosts
That glow like kerosene lamp posts
all the while, stomping my feet, just to prove that I can.
Gonna make toasts to the isolated;
to the quarantined and the misanthropes.
I'll boast that lovers are not unlike poachers,
but I'm not gonna mention that in every other under-cover dream
I seem to swoon like ivory elephant tusks.
I'm gonna gamble on Dusk
because I think it's got a little less honesty,
but a little more promise than its
attention-*******, good-for-nothing, go-getter big sister Dawn does.
That flirtations *****.
Gonna give Christian names to half drawn caricatures
of people who only ever existed when the lights died out
and the snow fell heavy.

I'm gonna let the levies break.
I'll go insane, just ******* lose it--
do the Boot-Scoot-'n'-Boogie in a onesie
with the hind flap flying free and the Greek Theatre masks of
Comedy and Tragedy painted on my *** cheeks,
(because no one should ever take their art too seriously)
And I'm even not gonna even care who sees,
partially because there's no one around to watch anyway,
but mostly because I want,
more than anything, to just be me.
Or at least I want to want that.
See, I read somewhere that,
"You should always be yourself…
unless you can be a unicorn,
then always be a unicorn."
And that really struck home for me because,
even though I've never really ached to be
the ******* love child of a Narwhal and Zebra
(In my imagination, unicorns are
striped and impecable swimmers)
I truly believe that Men will always dream of being Titans
and Titans will always dream of being Gods
and Gods want nothing more than to be Wind--
to twist with lit candle sticks
and teach the lonesome how to dance.

A one-step waltz tip-toed to distract.

But the fact is, I'm bound to take a few back steps.
I'm gonna think about her.
Gonna harbor hard feelings towards back bedroom dealings
that I have no right knowing about.
Gonna pray like a desperate atheist
that they keep their knees locked in a one night stand.
I might break down.
Only once, just long enough to regain my strength.
Then I'll tame the earthquakes in my hands, like I always do.
Gonna find what it takes to move on.
Not just regenerate, but to grow stronger than I ever was before.
So I'm gonna meticulously straighten these place settings:
One knife.
One spoon.
A healthy dose of wishful thinking.
Gonna try my hand again at dancing with the back draft;
I heard she's been aching for a duet,
and with all the life of candlelight
I'm gonna ignite the coal shafts beneath my eyes.
Gonna finally see me as the man I am,
not the titan I wish to be,
because I heard somewhere that,
"You should always be yourself…
Especially when all you've known
all you've ever shown
is some mythology."
So raise your glass because this one?
This one's for me.

Hey, darling, did you see my heart fall out from my chest, walk backwards, trace that air kissed pathway and look for my heart dropped, lying like a trash, toffee wrapper in front of that rose hued walled café which serves the blueberry coffee with Irish cream that you love the way sea loves the shore, pick it up love, hold it in your hand, and walk backwards, you are one of those people who never leave a novel in the middle, please don’t throw me away, I am not stale yet ,but yes I am delicate like a flower, pour water and place me in vase, will you dear? I know you have had a chunk of it, its little filthy filled with bite marks, girls with dewy eyes and hair colored brighter than spring and darker than winter stole away my summer, but will you trace it and breathe your crimson colored fall leaves into it, they will burn brighter than the candles at Christmas.

Hey darling, walk backward to the starting point, when we met for the first time, at that Mexican restaurant downtown where you always drank Sangria with slice of mandarin orange on the side, I was the glass that you sipped through, did you notice I was scarred on the rim, your tongue slipped through, and deepened the cut down the surface, funny how I was never able to pierce your tongue and you trampled all over my heart like way rivers trample over the rocks in between the course of their flow, walk toward, to where you placed my heart in a vase, darling please wrap it up in bandages and kiss it ,I sleep wrapped up in your quilt for the last time in your queen size bed, please darling, fit my heart inside my body with half of yours attached to it like the planktons to the sea floor .

Hey darling, I have a heart big enough to forgive you, for I know you hold your breath inside your lungs for too long and never sing out the lyrics you write every night, darling, wake me up, trace the skin covering the rib cage, fold your hand into mine the way origamists turn sheets into work of art, and lets walk forward, walk forward giving into a start of a new season.