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Apr 15 · 41
That Bean
croob Apr 15
Last night I gleaned the bean within a dream
I picked him up, to sneak a closer peek:
Small in stature, held in high esteem,
I ate him with a sense of awe indeed.

He fed me with protein and fiber -
Without complaint or expectation!
I washed him down with apple cider,
And shat out their amalgamation!

Lovely as all beans can be essentially
Teeming with a truly wholesome beauty
He hugged my gut somewhat caressingly
As he made his patient trek right through me.

Such a fine gentleman is rarely seen;
If only we could be that bean!
Apr 15 · 55
Nature's Way
croob Apr 15
The struggling fish flopped about, needlessly,
As the starved hawk cawed in distance near.
Slapping its ugly flesh down repeatedly,
Drumming funeral songs on bespeckled pier.

The bucking trout stopped breathing,
Unconsciously consumed by dismal fear.
As its respiration grew more measly,
The hawk’s path twinkled crystal clear.

Above the sea, the hawk glid greedily
As the wind’s whipping arms flailed ceaselessly
Above the sea, the trout stared beadily
As the sea’s mouth foamed and fizzled tearfully.

The belly of the bird, how it churned so needily
And the belly of the fish, how it tore so easily.
Apr 2021 · 98
croob Apr 2021
The floorboards of my psyche
creak, aching to be seen.
None perceive beneath skin deep,
which continuously treads on me.

Finding voluntary grasp
on reality repugnant,
I made a momentary lapse
of judgement, which collapsed
into sustained abundance.

You don’t like to be arranged -
strange; I don’t think many would.
Just because you can change, though,
doesn’t mean you should.
Doing so, there’s a good chance
that you’ll remain misunderstood.
Mar 2020 · 157
The Troll's Riddle
croob Mar 2020
Sure as the rising tide,
I'm sure to change my mind.
Much like an aurevoir,
I signify goodbyes.

Sinners fester better in the church,
those Sunday vermin
Pay rapt attention to the sermon,
Those ratdastardly *******
Listen in rapture to the pastor,
Go straight home and beat they meat after
Describe their niece into the searchbar
So they can watch some actors clap her.

What am I?
Who am I?

I guess I'm just a riddling troll under a crumbling bridge.
I'm angry as ****,
And I been for a bit.
******* and **** me too,
And **** all this ****.
Mar 2020 · 185
Poetry, My Ex Girlfriend
croob Mar 2020
Here she comes, a runaway train

I chase her, pleading
Please, baby
Take me back!

She doesn't hear me,
(She is a train)
And speeds off.

I lay my lazy body
on the track;
I have lost
all will to write.
May 2019 · 310
croob May 2019
my self contempt grew so strong it could
have put dwayne
the rock johnson in a chokehold.
it grew wildly as ivy, spiraling
like a broken man,
grew so quickly, like children into adults.

by myself, I wept, swept into a frenzy
like a cow into a hurricane.
i broke down like an old car,
like an interrogated man.
May 2019 · 252
Pair of Noia
croob May 2019
Conspiracies everywhere:
My buddha statue is watching me
smoke drugs and do ******.

Conspiracy is in the air:
I got a vpn to hide my IP
in case my hamster tries to dox me.

Shouldn’t the flag be still
if there ain’t no air in space?
It was all a ruse to win the race
against the soviets
and man,
i’m super over it
croob May 2019
You disappeared into the night
and I woke up to an empty tent.
We'd gone camping, and you'd just up and left.

Dude, there was hardly any food,
and I guess my noisy sobbing had attracted a raccoon.
He approached me somewhat reluctantly
but soon, we began to spoon.

His little claws clung to my shirt,
which hurt, and he smelled sad.
He started to take this thing we had
a little bit too far;
I prayed suddenly for the rumbling
of Tom's oncoming car.

As the raccoon began to **** my back,
I closed my eyes and missed my dad.
May 2019 · 230
Patsy's Day Out
croob May 2019
I brought Patsy to Petsmart for a while
and walked her through the aisles.
I bought her a new collar for ten dollars
so that she could strut with style.

We went to Wendy's for dinner
and she got ketchup on her feathers.

Will I go to hell
if I fed my chicken
chicken fingers?
May 2019 · 1.5k
croob May 2019
She spread her legs and said "eat this *****!"
I said I couldn't, because it was Ramadan.
She slammed her legs shut
like a door closed in anger
and told me to "eat ****, then!"
but I couldn't,
because it was Ramadan.
croob May 2019
I am a man in the woods
I am a saint amongst squirrels
I am
sitting high in a tree,
giggling, pelting twigs at hikers
but only the girls

I mostly eat sticks
but there's been a stick shortage
sometimes i use mud and *** to make porridge
but for some weird reason
it makes my **** orange

fellas, my eyelids are folding inwards
and so are my innards
but i shat out some dirt earlier
so at least we have dinner
May 2019 · 199
croob May 2019
“Your wet lips were a promise of a secret unspoken, nervous laugh as it burst like a pulse of blood from your throat. There will be no more laughter here.”
-Israel Keyes

From the beach I grabbed a girl
Who said she wouldn’t tell.
She was a precious pearl,
Trapped inside my oyster shell.

Reluctantly, I set her free
Right after we ******.
Back then I was a cuck,
Not confident enough.

The next time i struck,
I stuck those ****
into garbage bags
And wet from the rain,
smoked a celebratory cig
down to its filter;
It was official!
I was a killer.

I murdered several more in between
But those memories exist for me
To relive in my quiet dreams.
The only one you need to know is
My final victim, Samantha Koenig.

I sewed her eyelids open wide
To take a ransom picture
And then I went inside
With my family to eat dinner.

They caught me in Texas; I was done
In by her credit card
Which i’d stolen from
Her boyfriend’s unlocked car.

I said. if my daughter doesn’t have to know
That I killed a bunch of worthless hoes,
I’ll tell you where the others are.

But before the beans could spill,
I wrapped my hands around my throat
In the small comfort of my cell
Until my labored breathing stilled
And I made my merry way to hell.
May 2019 · 199
croob May 2019
Little green men,
on the streets;
eating fake meats
and bumping sick beats.
croob Apr 2019
scrubbing the grime from my skin,
cutting my nails with a knife,
plucking the hairs on my chin,
oh my god, this is the life.

taking care of yourself is in style
and being hygenic is fun;
shower just every once and a while,
and dry off well when you're done.

i pick big scabs from my flat ***
and brush my teeth until they're white.
daily, i eat eyeballs en masse
in hopes of improving my sight.

being hygenic is fun
and taking care of yourself is in style.
this body is your only one
so treat it gently like a crying child.
croob Apr 2019
my boyfriend is a horde of rats,
and no, i'm not just lonely.
this is no delusion, Pat,
i feed him cheez-its
and he loves me.

i give him fancy clothes to wear;
he sleeps below the kitchen sink.
i give him little baths in there
when he begins to stink.

got an issue?
kiss my ***.
love is love,
and that is that.
Apr 2019 · 383
croob Apr 2019
fear, it looms
like jack the ripper.
midnight monsoon
oozes into my room -
shadows seethe and slither
like fervent snakes.
wild winds whir by abloom
in sharp, unnerving whispers,
leaving little in their wake -
fear: it takes, and takes, and takes
and rarely does it make mistakes.
Apr 2019 · 171
croob Apr 2019
i am running out
of patience and time
of money and ****
of my house naked

i am a product
of bad parenting
of good parenting
so buy me
Apr 2019 · 281
argument with mom
croob Apr 2019
bruh, *******! it’s useless.
i’m moving to nantucket, massachusetts.

ill pack my bags
and my ol doorags

and you better believe
I’ll bring Roofus,

formerly known
as the family pug —

smugly, he rests his ugly mug snugly on mine.
we think we’re better off on our own.
Mar 2019 · 338
advice from dad
croob Mar 2019
run out of misery
or it will outrun you
like usain bolt.

never join sam's club -
it is not a grocery store,
it is a cult.

if you get a girl
it isn't your fault;

you'll understand more
when you're an adult.
Jan 2019 · 141
croob Jan 2019
the strangest sight does not perturb me
the strongest wind can not rustle me
i have seen the grass grow and die
i've seen the vultures feast and fly
i am a helpless standerby

i tip my hat
to the crows who land on my shoulder as if to say,
"you do not scare me,"
for i do not mean to.
Jan 2019 · 280
Dear cattle,
croob Jan 2019
Dying one by one, day by dying day, unphased, we dug you makeshift graves, as players in nature’s ****** games. Oh, calf I sat with all night, as you went out like the light of a staggering candle - half the way I felt, smoothing out your ratted pelt, prepared me not to gaze but glare at God.

Weary, we carried your bodies and buried them in the backyard; not hard, you just need a tractor or a strong stomach. We lifted your body down into wet mud, which swiftly sunk it. Plunk - we set down our shovels. The other cows huddled in a bubble ‘round your place of rest, bereft - and then, I’m sorry, but we left.
Jan 2019 · 129
Wisdom William #4
croob Jan 2019
“gas your trash paintings of jesus’ head
and exchange your cross for some cash.
It’s a known fact that god is dead; we fought,
he and i -  bashed, he passed,
simply automatic, undramatic as that.
I yelled to the sky, “the guy is gone, at last!”
I danced on his grave and bade his descent,
and the next holy role call, he was marked absent.”
-Hehehehe in Hell

“just shut it, satan,
you are the worst.
i’m writing a poem,
go eat some dirt.”
-Wisdom William
Jan 2019 · 597
croob Jan 2019
friends are not objects to keep.
they have lives beyond you,
and more important things to do.
they're ever-changing as the leaves,
with shifting values and beliefs.

solitude's a sickness, that creeps
and crawls, a savvy spider;
solitude's a sneaky snake, a viper, coiling tighter.

soon, you will get used to it, the lack
of laughter, the endless quiet.
then you will make friends anew,
but someday soon, they will leave too,
you can't do **** to fight it.
Jan 2019 · 365
betta blues
croob Jan 2019
starved for your tepid touch,
i don't speak, and don't ask much.

i can't give you what he can;
i can’t even be a man,

but i've never known such class
as your tapping on my glass.

simply, i like you a lot;
it's too bad i've got fin rot.
Jan 2019 · 645
croob Jan 2019
i'm a COOL baby,
i ride a motorcycle.
vroom vroom; i'm leaving.
Jan 2019 · 174
stop hounding me
croob Jan 2019
how to write wit that resonates?
how can i break through to you?
what if i can't satiate
the reader's need for gloom and doom?
perhaps i want to write about
my dog and not my misery.
he's got a tiny snout! i shout.
he's small, yet long! i declare,
but no one seems to ******* care.
Jan 2019 · 251
croob Jan 2019
there is a look my mother wears
when she bears bad news,
like she is sorry to be speaking.
she reeked of sorrow and cheap *****;
her voice is ugly when its squeaking.
tears were flowing easy like good writing when she shut the door.
i took a bath to ruminate, and then i took a shower too,
i scrubbed and sobbed and scrubbed some more,
but nothing could clean me of you.
Jan 2019 · 244
croob Jan 2019
"A new dawn has dawned upon us,
like a spawned epiphany.
Spring has sprung, the snow has melted;
I've known love, but never felt it.
The gloom has gone, our days are brighter,
yet I've never been more tired.
Here we go again, like hamsters,
spinning in our endless wheels.
A brand new season, a brand new cancer -"

"Chill," she says. "Drink some chamomile."
Jan 2019 · 417
mr snowman
croob Jan 2019
frozen as a corpse
melting slowly
as a tortoise,
staring blankly,
no remorse,
solemn, silent,
almost done,
dying for
your bit of fun,
and still, still,
as the buried sun.
Dec 2018 · 219
if you are afraid
croob Dec 2018
if you are afraid of boats
and afraid of swimming,
afraid of fighting a shark and
afraid of winning,
grow up.
Dec 2018 · 512
croob Dec 2018
She tells me to take things more seriously
or else no one will take me seriously.
I say, seriously?
An intervention?
She says no, no, nothing like that,
sitting in front of a banner bearing the words
INTERVENTION!!! with three
gaudy exclamations points, just like that.

god, how haven't you learned yet
to fix all your problems?
you forklift your issues, and in addition, you put on a front!
yes, all right, all right, but we’ve all got our goblins.
Not to mention your addictions - furthermore, your predelictions towards -
yes, all RIGHT, i know you’re right, but you’re still a *****.
the banner flutters
to the floor.
just kidding, thanks for the honest and valid criticism of my character sincerely
Dec 2018 · 1.9k
The Funny Man
croob Dec 2018
The clown would’ve been beaten up and down
a long time ago, if he didn't know
how to force scowls into smiles,
bafflement and battles into laughs
like startled bells and baby rattles.

Who would he be now, if he didn't know
how to play the jester, how to stitch
his words together
like the mouth of a snitch
or a quilt of dodo feathers?

He learned it from pain: how to be a joker,
how to act the fool.
Does it count, still, as stand-up comedy
if he's just crying on a stool?
Dec 2018 · 186
bad poems
croob Dec 2018
bad poems
are like children:
abundant and
but unlike kids,
bad poems
never die.
Dec 2018 · 122
the folly of biscuit
croob Dec 2018
Biscuit, no! what did you eat?
i told you not to eat raw meat!
bad dog, i should send you to the pound!
think life's hard now? well, wait it out.
you're lucky i don't throw you in a ditch.
in this house you're a female dog
but in the pound, you're some mastiff's *****.
Dec 2018 · 437
i have one brain cell
croob Dec 2018
they say "write what you know"
so here i go:
Dec 2018 · 176
croob Dec 2018
a poem a day
will turn you gay

a poem a day
keeps the ***** away
croob Dec 2018
lets go to a club, pleaded dan. no thanks,
i resisted. not my thing. but please, it'll be a good time, he insisted
and anyway you're lonely, i know.
no im not, i told him, but i was, so,
while my pal talked up a pretty gal, i waited
for him to finish, sipping a bit at my drink
and soon enough, i'm loaded. my self esteem's eroded
within the first few minutes
and by the end, when their flirting's spent,
is entirely diminished. no luck? he came back
and asked, as though he ******* cared -
i felt the world folding in on itself
like an hunchback, or a lawnchair. i rose,
to punch him in the nose.
hey, what the ****? he said,
but he didn't even stumble.
then he bashed my head against
the wall and watched me crumble
to the floor, no more, no more, no more
"but what the **** man," he said, again
I'm lonely, i said, i'm lonely, dan
i'm lonely and in need.
he pulls me up by my shirt:
"no, you're just fat
and full of alcohol
and greed."

at first I was hurt
for a long time, for
many years, i disappeared
into myself because i knew
that he was right. and when i go
one day, swiftly into the light
i **** a ****** up in heaven
(as it turns out
there aren't 72
there are 77.)
Dec 2018 · 268
croob Dec 2018
i eat some dirt for nutrients
but some worms crawl into my mouth
their guts erupt like mount vesuvius
they're in my throat now, get them out!

but then i choke, and soon i'll croak,
the worms spread through my sinuses
and all because i was too broke
to buy some ******* vitamins.
Dec 2018 · 784
the pit
croob Dec 2018
When my brother forces me to eat his vegan snacks
i look beyond this mortal plane and through its
hidden cracks; i close my eyes and am a king
in some far off land, sycophants sing a symphony
for me, for me, for ME! "-and it's gluten-free,"
says my brother, and i am snapped out of my reverie.

i made a hole inside my head, a ceaseless pit for enemies
a place for me to put them mentally, because i can't
afford to dig a whole hole in my backyard, 500 meters deep;
i am a ******* poet, man, and ****, big pits ain't cheap.

In some recess of my mind it occurs to me
that if i'm truly unhappy
maybe i should just put myself
in the ******* pit
croob Dec 2018
You need, indeed, a man, or steed,
a stallion of the purest breed, of course -
You need a muscled, manly horse -
A thoroughbred will do so nicely.
So here’s what I suggest you do:
Give up. Horses are quite pricey,
and clearly men don’t like you.

-Wisdom William
Dec 2018 · 405
the world's horror
croob Dec 2018
empathy's a skill to ****
as quickly as
you can
watch folks' heads fall
off their necks in
the fissures of
the net.

if you want no tears, no fear,
you first must become numb
some folk will cry, 'insensitive!'
but some folk are ******* dumb.

(in order for your life to start
cut the cord from your heart
to the net and fall apart.)
Dec 2018 · 249
croob Dec 2018
last night, i met a *****.
a pretty one, in heels.
it is clear, furthermore,
that she has no regard
for the hearts she plunders,
or the lonesome souls she steals.
she fell asunder like a split tree
struck lucky by thunder
and unlucky by me.

that girl is so lovely,
though she doesn't show it;
that girl, she made love to me,
though she doesn't know it.
a sort of sister poem to 'woman' i guess.
croob Dec 2018
what the hell is this 'oof' ****?
i want to bond with my son,
but i still don't know what a 'boof' is.

my son is vindictive; is 'fort-night' addictive?
****'s sake, i feel like a ******!
Dec 2018 · 734
croob Dec 2018
you're yappy
as a drooling
sack of dogs
and as happy
as a vietnam
you're ******
as downtown
new orleans
as banksy
as amy schumer
worn and round
as a linkin
park CD
and yet
you're lovely as
a dumb *****
could be.
Dec 2018 · 261
the point of poetry
croob Dec 2018
children fill their lonely nights with conjured monsters,
mothers fill their lonely nights with men;
me, i fill my lonely nights with winding words of whining,
finding solace in my fertile, pacing pen.
Dec 2018 · 1.5k
cabin fever
croob Dec 2018
me and the old lady
in our cabin, chillin
livin off the grid
livin off solar panels
and psychedelic drugs
roastin meat and
makin sweet love.

knock knock knock.

i turn to her in disbelief;
we live in the woods
south of nowhere
in a **** cabin
who could that be?

she huffs, shrugs
the knocking
so i go
to open it
(we're nudists)

it's a grizzly
i freeze

but he's wearing
a suit, cradling
a briefcase
in his paws
the ****

he asks me
if i'm interested
in being mauled
i ask him
how can you talk
you're a bear right
and then he mauls us

and then i wake up
and it's just me,
my bed,
and my beloved
Dec 2018 · 193
riddle me this
croob Dec 2018
what's the difference between love
and Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease?

no, really
i'm asking
Dec 2018 · 1.4k
croob Dec 2018
you said on facebook you hate cops
so i put a pig's head in your bed.
the deputy said, before i killed him dead:
"i have a wife,
i have a wife!"
with a sigh,
i grinned, replied,
a glimmer in
impassive eyes:
"so will i,"
and then i took the *******'s life;
swung my axe until he died.

you wanna get married?
**** knows what this is
Nov 2018 · 112
a pantheist perspective
croob Nov 2018
god is not a man in robes,
god is not at beck and call;
god is not your telephone.

god is i, me, you, and all,
god is everyone you meet;
god is winter, summer, fall,

god is snowfall, blizzard, sleet,
god is love and war and famine,
god is scorching desert heat.

god is in your fish, your salmon,
god is the meat between your teeth;
god is in the sea he swam in.
Nov 2018 · 973
croob Nov 2018
i lay stargazing
silent as the absent sun
gravity grounds me
like the touch of my woman
like the very thought of her
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