A lover is no answer
A lover is a person &
Not a means to quell
The darkness
A lover is just a lover
A lover is no shining sun
(The SUN is the shining sun)
A lover is a puddle in which
To splash dry feet
But a lover – a sun?
A lover is just a lover.

I don't drink much, he
Liked that, that's cool
I poured back a ten pack whiskey
The next week, clarifying
"I don't drink OFTEN".

When I do drink, I shatter very quietly
I go off like a gun, he,
My makeshift silencer.
I tell him I "struggle" –
With what?

A life is no brazen leopard
(A life does not charge)
A life is no sad song
(A life does not comfort)
A life is a life (and
That's it)

Later, he
Fell into my arms stumbling
I told him a lover is no answer
He didn't like that
I wondered, is this it? (It was).
He kept searching
(Like a bloodhound
But a man is no bloodhound)

I stopped, still and sturdy,
A table's leg, to ask:
"Is this it?"

After all these
Years, I
Think so,
Yes.

The old dog barks backwards without getting up.
I can remember when he was a pup.

I know you're sick of hurting
Patience turned into abuse
I don't think that I'm done learning
My boundaries are coming loose

My father was a rigid man
Stern and didn't give a ****
I know that you're nothing like him
But still, it fills me to the brim

My mother is no sound of reason
She lets me push her till she cries
She never taught me boundaries
Or how to pay a price

I don't think my heart can handle
Ultimatums and goodbyes
But I can recognize
I've been crossing lines

No one else has cared
Enough to stay and try
I was so extremely scared,
I called my mom to cry

She came over and held me while
You were still asleep
I told her I just didn't know
What life has made of me

Uncanny is an understatement
I don't think I grew from three
But if you can tend my soil with patience,
I'll sprout up slowly like a tree

I don't mean reproach or blame,
I just can't take the cold goodbyes.
I see and understand your claims,
They travel through a troubled mind.
I need safety, release from pain,
Which comes out in crossing lines.

I read the words I said to you,
And most of them were lies.
I don't recognize myself,
I don't believe my troubled mind.
I know it's no excuse,
I know that it's not right.
I get caught up in such abuse
Convinced that otherwise I'll die.

(I've never seen myself like this –
A broken mirror I can't fix.)

Treat people like passengers,
Whether friendly or cold.
These varied guests don't matter
As much as your soul.

It's only fair – they'll treat you the same.
They'll take heapings before leaving
Just to smear your troubled name.

Dreams are nice, but unlikely;
Illusions will mislead you well.
You will think, 'Everyone is like me
And those who are not, I can tell.'

Indeed, beware illusions – they are passengers too,
Treat them as such.
Don't let them take over your home,
Sleep on your couch,
Or raid your fridge.

"Always fighting some demon
Always finding some reason
Not to off yourself
******* and get some proper help."

My therapist says I'm acting strange;
I'm in awe of her professional insight!
I'm rabid as a dog, deranged
But "all you need is sunlight!"

I know the things I have to do
Clean my room and body too
I just can't get it through my skull
What don't I comprehend?
You think me dull because you're full
Of **** and not my friend.

There is a
screaming
screeching pain
that is so raw.
It's like a
mouse caught in
a glue trap.
It must be locked
away for no one
to see or handle.

And sometimes
on moonless nights
when no one is
around, and the
owls have killed
their prey, and the
teardrops have been
bottled and sold on
the black market,
you may be tempted
to take that pain out,
like a slice of pie,
and taste it.
Be careful.
It may have
fermented and
developed a mind of
its own.

Having mistaken my bruised face for a sunset
With its bashful hues of yellow, purple, red
I went to touch it, for a moment
Then wished I'd touched the moon instead.

(I have a feeling like none other
A feeling which makes sense
When I raise my fist and cover
My body up with dents)

Beauty is somewhat subjective;
You cannot argue that.
I find this method most effective,
My body as a punching bag
Which never can fight back.