I can be whatever you'd like,
Just tell me who it is that you want to be "me,"
Give me a face, paint me a mask,
Select my personality…

And for today, that's who I'll be.

My sky is blue
Broken-china-blue
Today

Not as yours or his or anyone’s
Not robin’s egg happy-hue
Or hopeful cornflower-color
Not rolling-ocean-peace
No endless expanse
Over a world full of possibility

But my sky is blue
Crying-eye- blue
Today

I don’t remember
The exact color of the car
That took you away
But in my mind’s eye
It should be this blue
My blue

Because my sky was blue
Teardrop-truth-blue
That day

Such a contrived color,
Overused metaphor:
Sad-blue, dead-blue
Burning-blue-gray like my hate
For all the words
We’ll never share
For desperation
For lost beginnings
Estranged from happy endings
And foregone conclusions
And decisions made
By a woman whose pasty face
Is still burned as

A blue-print in my mind
Of the person I
Never want to become

The woman who
Unknowingly
Painted my world
In red-fury and
Burnt-orange-bitter goodbyes
Thoughtless paintbrush
Strokes making sure

That my sky was blue
Crisp-autumn-cloudless blue
That day

When you and I
Were both too young
For understanding
Just
Children caught up
In the real world
For the first time

Yes, my sky is blue
Snapdragon-fire-blue
Today

When seven years later
I think I’m
Still not old enough
To comprehend

Why my sky is blue
Bittersweet-baby-blue
Today

Because they
Took you away
Because you’ll never
Know my name

Even though I’ll
Remember yours
For the rest of my life

It starts
In the pit of my stomach

Roiling raging roaring

Noxious
Overtaking thought-stragglers
Forgotten words
And half-remembered smiles
That stumbled too slowly
Down the road to Rational
And It swallowed them whole
Before slithering forward
Searching for prey

It feeds
In the depths of my conscious

Eclipsing encircling engorging

Bittersweet
Splish-splash-splattering
Viscous globules of poison
And turning the knobs beneath
My television-eyes
Until everything around her
Is of the deepest green

It beats
A pulse beneath every word I speak

Replaying recreating reminding

Me
Of every word and move
She makes
Her hands on his shoulder
Her voice in his ear

It paints
Her

In shades of
Emerald-forest-field
Until her skin
Matches It

And to me
She is the color of the
Lime-green curtains
In our window and
I cannot see her
Through the verdant haze
Or speak because
My voice gives me away
Every time

As

It consumes
My thoughts

Instigating infuriating

Little red ant
Crawls over my heart
Hiding from
Rationality
In a cloud of olive-dust

Little blood-spark

Sticking stabbing stinging

My bitten tongue

Longs to be set free
From Rational
Longs to be controlled
By It
Longs to ask her
Why exactly she’s

Playing performing pretending

Not to know
When she should
That he’s

Not hers...


He’s mine.

Tear drop
Fall down
Stare at
The ground

Broken mirror
Wavering
Expectation
Quavering

Shattered reflection
In your eyes
Such disappointment
Isn’t wise

Forgotten dream
Lost in the light
Another day
Another fight

They watch so rapt
With empty eyes
Shards of bright hope
So many lies

Are you so blind?
Can you not see?

Be on your way
You don’t know me

dear
Little Thing
nestled between
two hearts
mine and his
Little Leech
latched on tight in
a valiant effort to exist

a white stick told me
You weren’t here
but Dearest
I can’t help but wonder
after three more weeks
if I’ve been lied to
again

dear Little Thing
I don’t believe
in bibles or gods
of any sort
but
I pray every night
because

I hope You aren’t here
hope the thought of You
is nothing but
the thought of an
imaginary fear
hope that You’re still caught
somewhere between
the sharp smell
of this winter air
and lullaby
and the desperate fantasy
of a happy pair
who dreams of Your coming
and awaits You with delight
and open arms

dear Little Thing,
if You can hear me…
my arms are strong
but not enough for
both of us
__

dearest Little Thing,
if You exist
somewhere cocooned
between heartbeats
and ribcage bones
and the magnetism pulling
two bodies together
please
Dearest
please know
I love You more
than anything else
already but

I love You enough to know
I cannot give you what you need

I love You enough to know
You’re better off anywhere but here

please
dear
Little Thing,
please find some way
to disappear

and reemerge
inside someone who could
want You
more than me

laid out so neatly
an artist’s palette
colors
a puddle under a tiny brush
with pencils to match
clatter-chatter on the bureau-top
they ask
“who will you be today?”

ready to paint
on fresh canvas
a face
a painted mask
no flaws
outlined reflection
of vanity
Perfection
no flaws
no spots or scratches
or missed patches
in this portrait
of youth and beauty

eyes outlined and
smiles and frowns
stained red with Desire
pleading
Screaming
Look at me
I am perfect
Look at me
no flaws
no
a painted mask
to hide behind
Look at me
my painted mask
flawless
hiding
a calculated smear
of pigment covers up
what you don’t need to see

but
don’t meet my eyes
unpainted
they cannot hide
behind my mask
Look away
but look at me
Look at my mask
not the eyes
Please

don’t look at me
Look at my mask
perfection
Look at my lies
no flaws
Look at my mask
hiding

Please

you can stare
at what I want
you to see
but
don’t look at me
at who I am…

don’t look at the mess
that I’ve become

Flutter flatter flit flip flap
Clap chat chapped lips
Leaking secrets
Speaking softly
As the world whirls by
And faded faces blur together
On panes of plate-glass windows
Strolling silent streets and
Dreaming of anywhere but here

Pitter patter pretend
We’re on the
Tip top of everything
Taping together
Our own reality
Far removed from truths that
Could tear it tear us apart

Flash frame freeze forget
Flit flap free-bird fly away

Fast fly far from
Tick-tock towers
Click-clack-clocked lives
Empires encircling
Pretty-please prepackaged people
Dipper dapper dressed-up doves
With withered windless wings
Locked-up longing lost
And just
Looking for anywhere but here

And their

Haunted hollow heartbeats
Wind between our whispered words
Weaving these tangled tapestries
Tying together all the
Maybes memories melodies
That we carry
All the struggles and scars and
Shatter-glass shiny bits of
Hope-light heart-love

That we call a human soul