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Jan 27 · 285
this for me to muse on
cosmo naught Jan 27
of course I’m still in love.

many of them.

one with you,
one is yours.


and I look so warmly forward to you.


it is still you I speak to;
I hear when my mind is quiet.


and it’s you I purely cry for,
if anything I’ll ever do could be.


of course.
maybe always
Nov 2018 · 150
The process
cosmo naught Nov 2018
oh, it’s starting
oh it’s starting.
Oh it’s starting
Oh it’s starting!
Oh, it’s over
Oh it’s over
oh it’s over
oh it’s over
Oct 2018 · 552
as an object
cosmo naught Oct 2018
you are not more important than me.
Sep 2018 · 533
It comes in waves
cosmo naught Sep 2018
I know what you are like,
well.
and cannot breathe when you are with me.
for the scent I still spend
quiet time remembering
.
.
Jul 2018 · 266
Love the ones you love
cosmo naught Jul 2018
Regret turns me
into a wilting paper flower
Good for nothing
but to write down what I love there
for another
Jun 2018 · 165
Nightly affairs
cosmo naught Jun 2018
I had dreams that stuck with me
     They stuck with me.


I had a dream you love me
Lady, love me.
      Love me!
     love me,

H-h?hold and
You can touch me

Kiss me (lightly,
(Lovely (lovely)

Softly
        ugh

she’s all Complete and i
Could never get enough

(!) please
Put yourself above me

Lush and comely,
Lady lovely
May 2018 · 199
Apologies of sorts
cosmo naught May 2018
I know you think I know the truth.
all truth, or so you thought.
I think you think I am the truth.
or was (but I am not.)
And I know you think you know that,
but I left it all unsaid.
The truth is I'm holding a bird in my hand,
but the bird in my hand — it is dead.
May 2018 · 164
Fruit tree in the alleyway
cosmo naught May 2018



this morning, walk to work with you.
Better than ***.


I think that we've figured it out.
If we want it forever, then now we know how
.
cosmo naught Apr 2018

flowers for now,
ripeness for later.

Apr 2018 · 125
fragments i.
cosmo naught Apr 2018
we certainly got  to know
somethings about each other
but to know really  nothing
,maybe that's the thing
we have  in common,
and i think that's fine.
.
.
.
Mar 2018 · 104
love notes i.
cosmo naught Mar 2018
If I'm quick enough to smile
before you do
at me,

you straighten,
then relaxedly
soften
to touch.

I love you so much.
Feb 2018 · 651
spiral arms
cosmo naught Feb 2018
•••

*******

With our

Eyes Open,

on each Other.


Sweaty

foreheads

touching


(Sacral

Four heads

touching.)


the Vacuum

of our Eyes ~

two black Holes

that hold a mirror
Feb 2018 · 84
lol
cosmo naught Feb 2018
lol
Once

    for a few weeks

    a while ago

    I was creeped out,
    maybe sickened?
    
    by laughter.


It's really not something you can talk about with anyone.

Especially polite company.


I think it terrified me

to hear the laughter and its echoes
and realize,
    not one of us feels joy.
    Not here.
    Not where we are.
    Not who we are while we are here.


The laughter, all so innocent,
    from all of us so guilty.

    And in those rare moments we let ourselves feel,
it was usually shame.
As, just, like, a somewhat interesting aside, my boyfriend broke four ribs during this "weirded out by laughter" episode I had. If something funny happened, even truly enjoyable things, we both would have to suppress our laughter, which is it's own special variety of torture. I cried through MANY of these incidents, feeling horrible guilt for causing him additional pain when I couldn't stop laughing (which is very hard to do when it's real) (thereby prompting his continued laughter) like, it was miserable. It was a fascinating experience at the time, but totally miserable. Social behaviors, man
Feb 2018 · 398
rant
cosmo naught Feb 2018
I will break my own heart
just fine
thank you

I am a heartbreaker
don't
you
know that?


thousands of hearts
and each of them mine
every time

every night
I will break my own heart
now


maybe I should
break my own heart
now


I am the heartbreaker
Watch as I go
Feb 2018 · 341
you just know
cosmo naught Feb 2018
•••

half-illuminated day,

are you raining, i wonder



the blank space stretches

between the windowsill and me





even through the curtains,

when there is sun, it feels so sure.

why is its absence obvious

any less so?
cosmo naught Jan 2018
I want something to feel.
so bad.
I'm having
pizza guy fantasies.
Looking through the peep hole,
my hand on a crisp 20
Oct 2017 · 105
un comfortable
cosmo naught Oct 2017
I bought
my new maroon boots
with a light blue scuff on them
because it complemented,
they were cheap,
and you can't even see it
for the glare of the sun
at 2PM
in October,
which it is

My boyfriend
was put
into jail
for *******:
I am going insane

My light blue jeans
from the same
consignment store
were all I could afford.
Everyone seems to like them

But I don't think
any of us
could help you decide
what or why,
who was real
while all our brains were fried
Sep 2017 · 157
how difficult is that?
cosmo naught Sep 2017
you are difficult to love
in many ways the same
as it is difficult to love anyone
and many ways different
than those that make it
difficult to love me.

but it isn't hard.
it's just love.
cosmo naught Sep 2017
I know it's the last thing
that you want to hear
but he made me feel
like you make me feel.

It's not that I'm trying
to hurt you, I fear
though, that he made me feel
like you make me feel.

I need to know
what I'm feeling is real
so, "Get out of here,
do not bring yourself near me."

(I'd rather stay quiet
and cry myself out
if I'd otherwise cry out
while no one could hear me.)
Sep 2017 · 144
Losing Strike
cosmo naught Sep 2017
I   measure    the     weeks

in        the   number       of      Tuesdays

I use   to water   the  Beautiful  orchid

from    the   Most  Beautiful,  Graceful

of   women.   I bet there is something

to    be    said         about      the    very

particular     care           of    such      a

Beautiful, Graceful   flower.   Not  her

it   seems,   as   she's   taken   so freely

to   me.      A   reminder  and  a gift,  a

                                          Beautiful  gi­ft.



Three.          Technically

I forgot once.

and that Wednesday (4)

is  a bright orange tally

on  the  chalkboard  in

my mind.

        Everything is fine.




Three   or   four   weeks

and it's almost Tuesday.
Sep 2017 · 333
Density
cosmo naught Sep 2017
The heart is more
like bone.
Weight-bearing.

With more impact,
fissures show
the tiny ways
a heart can break.

Scarring over.
Growing older
makes a heavy heart.
Aug 2017 · 298
out for coffee
cosmo naught Aug 2017
it looks like it is raining
where i'm walking.
i'll know before i get there
but i'm going
out for coffee
for a triple maple latte
at the bakery,

out for coffee
i no longer buy on credit,

a triple maple latte
because i'm learning
when i ask
for what i want
is when i get it.
next must surely be
learning what it is to ask for,

but i am getting better,
so today i'll have
a latte
and
could give or take
the rain.
(made for me
by the truly friendly Mack
who asks my name
a dozenth time
because she,
very courteously,
forgets and recollects it with me)
(a fabulous barista)
Aug 2017 · 240
shower thoughts
cosmo naught Aug 2017
I asked myself Who are you when you get caught in the rain and I thought of myself (and only myself) and the time I was running to work when it started to rain and I dashed from tree, to magnolia tree, until I was able to pop in the convenience store.
And I remembered just exactly how many people stared, and the look on their (sheltered) faces, making it that much harder to be that person caught in the rain.

Here I am walking exactly as fast as this raincloud
and my eyes are puffy but my belly is full
and I have forty dollars more
than I'm used to.
I have forty-two dollars.
Plenty!
And at least I can see,
because I am looking.
It's just a mailman.
And some of those big scarlet bundles on big tall green bushes.
And maybe I've smoked my last cigarette?
I have some more so it's OK if I didn't, but maybe I did.
I am walking my feet in the ground, just as fast as this raincloud.
I am walking my feet to destruction and my mind to distraction
as fast as this raincloud goes, home, and the long way.
And maybe I shouldn't speed up or slow down.
I took my first deep breath next to a trash can.
It's not going to **** me.
The first sight I saw was only a mailman
but I'm making my way to the park
where it's green by the fountain
and all I can be sure is I'm counting the leaves when I get there.
cosmo naught Jul 2017
you thought it all was real
like we were,
didn't you?
now the world's a bad trip—
like a page from your
sick hero's handbook,
without the lie—
and no connection.
you thought it all was real.
what's worse is i did too.
Jul 2017 · 270
Out Walking
cosmo naught Jul 2017
Of your flowery features,
I am student and teacher.
I am learning to love you
like deep-breathing ether.

You pick me a peony
and cite similarities—
colors and frills,
and pretty, apparently.
You tell me,
regarding
its duo
of shades,
what tempted your fingers
and called out my name:

The lighter of petals,
the curl
of your lip.
The dark, all your freckles
and dots.
I have fallen
in love
with your features
just like those
of flowers—
Please forget
me not.
cosmo naught Jun 2017
We convince ourselves
it isn't sadness
for a long, long time.

and it is an easy mistake.


It is also okay.
The first time you see it
just under your skin
To really see
and to feel it,
you are healing.

Kiss your own hand
Hold it against your own face
Back of hand to forehead
Palm to full of cheek
And breathe so deep
It cracks your spine
From the years of
progressively
shallower
breathing
Protecting our idea
your and my idea
of perfect form
(Full-chested,
waistless)
No
Place your hands on your tummy
beautiful ripe belly
and breathe into yourself
man woman
human
Connect to you,
(us it I we now)

You will find that substance
sustenance
solace
life,
that blossom
unfurling
nature
of your nature
in your touch

The glimpse of reason,
I have seen it.
It is the fundamental trust.
cosmo naught Jun 2017
the angel on my shoulder
picked up smoking,
the devil on the other
took up yoga—

they don't know
how much they have
in common.
Jan 2017 · 340
Too Trusting Anonymous
cosmo naught Jan 2017
Hello and welcome
to Too Trusting Anonymous!
(My name is Elice)
Dec 2016 · 275
date night plans
cosmo naught Dec 2016
******* later,
sing Caligulove slow
at the foot of your bed
Nov 2016 · 330
trustworth
cosmo naught Nov 2016
i understand an evil urge,
you can talk to me

i understand a binge and purge
of all of kinds of things

i'll do my best to soften words
hard to believe

i promise if you want that
you can talk to me
Nov 2016 · 574
the scorpion & the frog
cosmo naught Nov 2016
I wish that I
had thought to ask
what the frog had
to say back.
Oct 2016 · 765
It's a really nice pen
cosmo naught Oct 2016
I bought a pack of pens
The nice ones
But I'm anxious so
I only look at them
I bought the pens yesterday
I've opened them
The nice pens
But I'm anxious so
I haven't used them
Even though I
Am very curious
About the ink
And if it
Flows fluidly
Or paints itself
In the depression
Of the pressure
From my hand
There is one sitting in front of me
A nice pen
I'd like to know how it writes
But I'm anxious so
I can't pick it up
It sits
I have so much to say
But I am anxious so
Maybe later
I'll have forgotten
What it was
I ever wanted
To write
With the nice pen
In the first place
Oct 2016 · 258
pop visions
cosmo naught Oct 2016
pop visions,
ever-present
pop visions
cloud my dreams and nightmares,
follow us into the bathroom mirrors
where we powder our noses,
vibrant and tired.

energy, channeled
from the TV channels,
transmitting waves of hate
below perception.
Speak in subtle undertones,
control all of the animals.

pervasive, invasive
pop visions
warp my form and leave me
listing
for something so
familiar and foreign.
my best friend and most
threatening enemy.
And though I denounce it,
what would I be without it?

it seems there's no escape.
things have always been this way.

even in rejection,
all too fitting a reflection—
all consuming,
all consumed by
pop visions.
Written for a local multimedia showcase by the same name
Aug 2016 · 645
delta waves (ii)
cosmo naught Aug 2016
If you think no one can change
then you believe this of yourself
and if you think this of yourself
then this is why.
Don't listen to the parts of you
that don't tell you the truth
should they benefit
if you believe the lie.
Aug 2016 · 634
milling about
cosmo naught Aug 2016
a brand new
atmosphere
to breathe in
made of
whispers
from my dreams
lifts my heavy
heart to light
new stardust
decorates
the night

brand new
air to
fill my lungs with
scent of nectar
to collect
and lubricate
our twisted
tongues with

brand new
sweetness
like a wholly
different
world bloomed
to become it
Aug 2016 · 717
sunflowers' heads
cosmo naught Aug 2016
The sunflowers' heads
hang heavy with beauty—
it would mean nothing to me
but I seeded the dirt.
I can stake them and tie them
and they will comply,
smile and greet passersby,
but I know how they hurt.
Jul 2016 · 359
Dad's Birthday
cosmo naught Jul 2016
My parents have been together for just shy of twenty-five years—just shy of how long I've been alive. A favorite photo of mine is their wedding party.  My dad is stepping forward, smiling, and instructing a pause. I am cradled in the next photo.

They're still together in a relationship that's not at all like storybook love, but they downright could not function without the other. Where one goes, the other annoyedly follows. My mom puts out the fires and my dad takes out the trash.

Being the ******* child that tied them together is funny. As soon as I learned how it is that they love, I realized just how much they love me. But to watch them fight is so funny. Being half of each of them is so funny. To see and feel solutions and to internally diffuse their clamor before explaining how or why is so funny a feeling. I think they are surprised when I know things about them that they don't realize or share. After twenty-five years I am surprised that there are things that they don't know about each other or themselves. They bred it, and it's me. Then again, I am surprised each time I learn a thing about myself I did not know. But it's dad's birthday so stop being difficult and let's go to Red Lobster.
May 2016 · 333
a waiting (ii)
cosmo naught May 2016
I am so impatient
but I practice
while awaiting
your 'I love you'.

I wait
and wait
and wait
but, here, today,
there's not one for me.

Your words are all but hollow,
almost like another name—
you tell me,
'I'll be here tomorrow'
and it almost feels the same.
May 2016 · 629
a musing (i)
cosmo naught May 2016
I daydream briefly
and I think about
the softened, muted features
of a female, screaming silently
and tearing at her shoulder blades.
(who is she, who could she be)

the softened, muted features
of an abandoned cardinal mother,
screeching at the loss of scarlet lover.
(where is he, or could he be)

the softened, muted features
of myself alone and sleeping,
finger tucked inside a book
I haven't read about self-love
that I just like to tuck my fingers in.
(how am I, how could I be)

*I don't know why
I want to tell you
but I do,
I really do.
I think my heart
is in an okay place
and think that
yours is too.
May 2016 · 709
crime and punishment
cosmo naught May 2016
I finally washed my bed sheets.

But on Mondays,
I still water that ******* orchid.

That beautiful blue *******
blooms a new hue every week.

And every week, I am forced to remember
(how could I forget)
how I watered and waited
for a new you to bloom—

not one more beautiful,
not one more suave,
or more handsome, or clever—

but the one you assured me was ripening, quiet
like the beautiful ******* before me.
The one that would love me,
despite being lifeless
for giving you all that supports me.



I thought about throwing it out

but every week,
the orchid keeps its promise.




"Crime and punishment grow out of one stem. Punishment is a fruit that, unsuspected, ripens with the flower of the pleasure that concealed it."
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
cosmo naught May 2016
I'm done
convincing boys
to pay attention to me.
Apr 2016 · 380
An Open Ending
cosmo naught Apr 2016
Am I myself deluded?
No—I am myself, diluted.
Filtered,
faded
to occlusion
and remade
of dissolution
here, the farthest
in the future
I'd imagined
myself
being—

and I still want to love you
but I want to love me better.
Apr 2016 · 559
lovely but lonely
cosmo naught Apr 2016
I first fell
in love
on my head
with a boy who
was not
ready yet
(That's my type.)
and I left,
and I left
words unsaid
and I reddened
the face
of the boy
in my bed
for a boy who
was greedy,
could tell I
was needy,
could help stop
the bleed, but
was not
ready yet.
next was the boy
that I won
(No one won.)
he's the boy
who said "likewise"
and smiled
like the sun.
like a vision,
my dreams,
beautiful
make-believe,
so it was
and would be
about every
six weeks.
then, oh,
was the guy
who would hold me
real late
while we watched
pbs
and we tried
not to date
but he loved me,
we did,
and he made
me feel pretty
on my period
(he was ready
for me,
I did not
deserve him.)
in between
was the guy
who lived
inside my brain;
we drove ourselves
mad
and each other
insane.
I don't know
where his
band's playing
or how to spell
his kid's name
(Yes I do.
And he's cute.
I don't know
what I'm saying.)
next and last
but not least
was a boy
I would meet,
young and blonde
and could sing
and so
in love with me.
he wrote songs,
melodies,
composed small
symphonies—
but what I thought
of him
he did not think
of me.

it's been lovely
but lonely
when those
who would hold me
have told me
they loved me
but not
really known me.
Apr 2016 · 310
Problem Solved
cosmo naught Apr 2016
I don't know what to do with it:
the way everything's making me sick.
I want some semblance of control
and not its dark-matter twin.

It all makes me sick,
to my heart and my stomach.
I can't seem to quit
and I can't overcome it.
So self-inflicted,
(or maybe it wasn't?)
The thought makes me sick
so I'll think nothing of it.
cosmo naught Mar 2016
On grandchildren
(by accident)
I told my mother
and my father:

I'd not force
another life
without asking
its permission first.


I almost took it back
to tell them
it's okay and that
I know
I was an accident.
Mar 2016 · 810
precognitions (ii)
cosmo naught Mar 2016
i've neglected to notice—
may as well say 'ignored'

only ivory nails
scratching emery, bored

but then every-so-often
it catches my ear

and it says the one thing
but with two things to hear
Feb 2016 · 303
Working Theory
cosmo naught Feb 2016
Don't get me wrong:
It's wrong of me
to sell as Strength
what is a
distinct
marker
of Weakness—
I know it,
don't I know it.
Hypercritical hypocrite,
eaten up by the selfishness
it takes me to be selfless.
Refurbished goods
at best,
at the very best,
and I wouldn't even call it that.
Feb 2016 · 233
Ancestral
cosmo naught Feb 2016
We love ourselves so much
we program children.
The while, each day
we watch as we
become our mother,
mother's mother,
mother's mother's mother,
Feb 2016 · 610
first person limited
cosmo naught Feb 2016
.
.
.
Do you feel
at home
in your body?

.
.
.
If I did
then
I wouldn't
have asked
second-person
.
.
.
Feb 2016 · 873
Tell-Tale
cosmo naught Feb 2016
Let me see your sadness

Let me play with
the shades of
your mind

Swirling
like paints
on a palette knife


You think of it excess
I find it divine

You can show me your sadness
It reminds me of mine
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