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Oct 20 · 633
purpose
cosmo naught Oct 20
my very favorite thyme plant,
it never went to seed.
Well hey, maybe me either dude
let’s just enjoy the leaves
cosmo naught Oct 17
The world is very vicious
violent
cold, and quite alone.

And so to find something so gentle —
that gentleness, I think, is bliss.


Not sure.

I’ll let you know.
Oct 12 · 101
illusion
cosmo naught Oct 12
incredible,
incapable:
a feeling that's unshakable
like Fate, you know
(it’s make-believe.
Sensational
like seeing things)
So gratefully and
hateful, I am
stirring in my sleep.

so Crucial.
incandescent—
I'm a piece of work
progressing I'm
unsynthesized,
incessant
I’m a Wreck:
an honest blessing.

no illusion,
there‘s no losing
so my pain is
of my choosing
in the end but
Not for now,
if I could soothe
myself somehow,

like to rebreak so to reset it;
Forgive so to forget, I cannot say
I understand
but, ever woefully
I get it.
Aug 5 · 155
peace-seeking
cosmo naught Aug 5
closer to god out here
butterin bread while the
sweat bees do sambas
all over my legs
just as quick to forget
as i am to recall
that i do sure the most
doin nothin at all
Aug 4 · 38
tapped out
cosmo naught Aug 4
drill
. deep,
. drip
slow.

sweet,
. distilled &
. crystalline
flow.

outdid yourself, truly,
politely with neatness.
it’s yours now,
. the sweetness,
. please take it and go.


dark &
delicate.
deliberate,
. divine.

tapped some pure purpose
right out of my spine!

like sugarcane grasses,
from sorghum,
molasses;
congrats man,
. you did it —
it’s yours now, not mine.
Aug 1 · 124
not a haiku, addended
cosmo naught Aug 1
wanna make you food and baby you
is that too much to wanna do
yes.
Jul 31 · 190
not a haiku
cosmo naught Jul 31
i wanna make you food and baby you—
is that too much to wanna do?
(without you, yes; it does take two)
Jul 28 · 190
iso: ?
cosmo naught Jul 28


I want to feel love for myself
like I look for in someone else,

I’m good, enough—
I’m brave, I’m tough!
Courageous, rough and
dangerly, abrasive
when I’m made to be;
(at least I’m not afraid to be.)
I’m “always, always”: faithfully
and double-downing loyally,
allegiant as if royalty
— You Are to me:
who'll ever be,
so already, I weep.


I want to love all women
like my mother never did
and I want to love the children
like I wanted as a kid
and could give or take a man for now
I‘m focused — have a plan, but if
you tap my love like sap just know,
it’s sweetest from my hands.


I want to love, just want to love—
a gift and curse from hell above
caught in this vessel I am wrestling
so I get all tangled up.

Imperfect love, but that’s enough;
I’m purely love and that is something.
My intention keeps me bumbling while
I figure out what’s what.
Jul 27 · 68
conditioning
cosmo naught Jul 27
hold my hands above my head
— a fun workout
make me wish that i was dead
— a fun workout
empty pencils of their lead
— a fun workout
deeply dig but lightly tread
— a fun workout
Jul 27 · 251
carbon-dating
cosmo naught Jul 27
full to bursting —
all I want, and just as quick
as can receive it.

...and truly, can’t conceive of
but believe you-me it’s real,
life of late a lucid dream: all
déjà vu and vivid greens of
lush and sparkling everything,
there is a future slate so clean atop of
fossils pressed between,
and other treasures altogether
measure depths of dated things.


millennia many,
lifetimes aplenty
I’m blundering nirvana-toward.
transforming and crushed
back to life, back to dust
one thing’s certain:
I’ve never been bored.
full disclosure:
the original journal entry starts
“I wish I could shake the dread
& just feel lucky
I am so lucky
I’m getting everything I want
as quickly as I can
possibly receive it

hands full”

...I was not getting what I wanted.
but some of those things can still be true.
Jun 11 · 222
garden journal entry 2
cosmo naught Jun 11
the plants trust that rain will come next
and whatever comes next’s what it is
that they need
and the ants seem to hide just in time
from the rain;

suppose I fill a niche, situating myself
on the top step, front row and imbibing—
yellow sky of a fog rolling under the storm,
empty bottle for capturing lightning.
Jun 7 · 90
alright
cosmo naught Jun 7
stumbling, stumbling
but standing back up.
doing things better but
having worse luck.
the ground moves me forward
while time races back,
and one-thousand diverge
from a singular track.
I am stumbling, onward;
my frame growing strong.
I am stumbling inward
though that shouldn’t last long
and from clumsily running
I will arrive stunningly
just in time, loving;
alright from all wrong.
May 29 · 68
generating energy
cosmo naught May 29
work hard play hard, summer of dreams
sleep in the evening and smoke in between
up in the treetops and down in the dregs
let's spin ourselves silly
let's break both our legs
this miraculous, -tacular summer of dust
and swells of lush smells both are holy and lust
cover me, bumbling
stumblin in fumbling,
mumbling something
but laughing so much.

rest hard think hard, summer supreme
the honest most promise that i've ever seen.
grumbling humbly i
took quite a tumbling—
made new things of nothing:
from anguish, serene.
May 27 · 152
interview-ready
cosmo naught May 27
there has simply got to be  a freckle factory
hidden somewhere 'hind your ears  i swear
& when i find those smokestacks breathing
sunshine 'cross your sweet & every smile i
will apply to work there.
May 21 · 54
turbulence
cosmo naught May 21
I am alright.
I have a face mask
nicotine stick
& a heating pad

I have lavender, in epsom salts
and healthy food & ****
and I am lucky
lucky
lucky,
I should tell myself I’m
lucky

I’m alright,
I will be fine
(and I am, guess,
most the time
besides
I am not going to die
and still have quite yet
so much time.
May 12 · 55
how does this all end
cosmo naught May 12
-


...i hear it,
even when it makes no sound.
it is so deeply hollow,
even Empty echoes 'round.

(and i'm so sure of all of this
because i hear it now.)



it is a disembodied pleading—
a guttural, deep shrieking. mercy
calls you from your being
as it all becomes too much.
i recall i, cold and lifeless,
watched (beside myself, despite this)
as i clumsily engaged in an
attempt to wake you up.



enough time dissociated,
we begin to wonder when
exactly, where exactly:
how does this all end?
-


one of two ways
May 3 · 63
presence of mind
cosmo naught May 3
ain't it so hard to find sometimes
May 3 · 287
sunday morning, spring
cosmo naught May 3
-
one day the sun will blink out
and i won't be there.


:
my god is right now.
my hell is control.
my joy is devotion
and my grief is an absence;
maybe the hands of a clock,
quickly ticking
and unwilling to repeat itself.

;
my purpose is god,
desire is hell,
my love is my joy,
and that sun blinking out
without me is my grief.
Apr 26 · 65
aimless with spirit
cosmo naught Apr 26
like a meadow at dusk
(I walked into such luck.
kiss me once, twice, a million:
Oh my God, you are Brilliant!)
and how fireflies ignite,
I catch tidbits & delight
underlidtop my heart
(Never so far apart.)
Apr 23 · 75
forecast looks good
cosmo naught Apr 23
-

imagine my surprise to see
a golden road, unfold, before me

where no path had been,
less had it leapt

with my every once-ashamed
and trepidatious
baby-step.



there are trees in the distance.


country-wide on either side.



and it's suddenly so bright? I adjust to the light,
blues and greens, to be sure; that is,
if I could see,
for the tears that could, might
source a new, fertile stream.


so I will start it, crawling;
grateful.
and I will take off running,
soon.
Apr 23 · 995
i.
cosmo naught Apr 23
i.
to wonder is simple and human and fine;
but it is to relinquish control that’s divine.
Apr 18 · 53
excitable!
cosmo naught Apr 18
-

i am tinder, i am kindling:

i'll hold your fire
if you've got a match
with naught but a couple of strings attached
(— also flammable)


i am quick and light and airy,
take on more than i can carry.


you, like reliable firewood:
must be.
you'll have to be sturdy,
or you will not trust me
that i could inspire,
for all to admire,
a fire: to light up the dark.

and though i have no doubt
you don't need my help,
perhaps it's not something
you want by yourself...


so imagine.
a night
with the dew fallen down.
if your light is low, too
while no one is around
then remember your kindling,
— i could warm you up?
i will give you some more
if at first's not enough.
if you'd want, we'd be roaring,
a knowing so well;
we'd reach up to touch heaven,
the envy of hell.
i will give myself freely,
keep you blazing on
until sparks in the air
become ashes at dawn.


ah, we could rest then.
(get a good breakfast in.
cannot wait but i will—
burn all over again.)
Apr 16 · 12
nature abhors a vacuum
cosmo naught Apr 16
burning all my candles
completely at both ends
to be as close to you again
as quickly as i can
pre quarantine
Apr 15 · 228
love
cosmo naught Apr 15
i miss you sweet, soft women
with the knowing i know, too,
and you remind.

sweet, strong women
— who can carry me,
(or drag me from behind.)

mean & dancing women,
deep romancing women,
rough & fancy women—

: I miss you all so greatly,
I'll wait patient for Our Time.
Apr 12 · 128
garden journaling
cosmo naught Apr 12
Don’t move the dirt from offtop of the sprout;
there is something it’s gotta work out
for itself.
and then don’t be so quick to help it squirm from its shell,
thinking that’s just as well;
it may not need your help.
Clip what‘s been desperate
for love and attention;
there is energy, then,
to bloom out from the core.
and feel free to mourn,
losing those that you’ve borne;
a reflection of you!
(for they do not keep score.)
Apr 11 · 68
date idea
cosmo naught Apr 11
Let me relax into you,
seep into all your cracks as you
breathe very
deeply
into
me:
(I will, completely, set you free.)
.
.
.
cosmo naught Apr 9
do you feel like
you have gazed
to eyes of God,
or do you not.


do you feel like
every ray of sun that shines
has now surround you?


do you long for it
in heavy,
quiet dark;

and do you weep?


and if you do: because you Know it,
or is it because you don't?
Apr 5 · 330
feedback
cosmo naught Apr 5
Earlier, my brain bumped into itself.
and I mean, it was clearly an accident;
I saw the whole thing happen.
Still, none of us knew what to say!
Feb 29 · 51
Forrest, the hard way
cosmo naught Feb 29
I still think of you from time to time.
and how I, damning but hilariously, always mistook that we met in a university re-education class. The one I was prescribed when I got busted with ****.

...we were lab partners. I guess. I couldn’t recall. You insist. But we did that dance five or six times til I finally remembered.
and you laughed because, ****.

but from sixteen til I met you, Forrest,
I was with a young man who would treat me in ways I’d much like to forget.
so when I could, I did and, with that, forgot the context of you: the boy that I shouldn’t be talking to —
let alone enjoy time with, in the lab you insist we were in. I believe you.

What I could be sure of, were the eyes you’d let me practice looking in while, handsome, I had fun with you, and easy. Though I was clearly unfamiliar with the intimacy.
and that was ever that and that was fine, but I remember.

Oh, and later. I’d meet another guy, and that guy would teach me some things the hard way, but, and this is what I think of, Forrest:

I think of the time I found Bones in an alley, and I learned you lived right around the corner with your friends and dog Bones. I returned him, not without noticing the dampness of your shirt and your... carelessness. But without knowing even to look, for the fullness of the iris of those eyes I couldn’t look in this time. I left abruptly, uncomfortable, and misunderstanding.

Then, always next is the time that we waved and you ran up to meet me. Your body had changed. The dampness, and this time I knew with what, the hard way. The pinpoint of light allowed into your eyes. I wonder why I felt bewildered. When I think of you, from time to time, I think of that crush — the one you knew that I had, and that day when you, sweating, asked me out on that date I declined.

I think how I wish I could tell you I liked you — I like you. I wish that I would have done more. I think of that time and that girl who‘d have loved you and wonder if you would still be here, or if you were always ill-fated, to taking the hard way out.
Feb 21 · 231
two trains
cosmo naught Feb 21
Please don’t leave those bruises on my thighs,
for me to look on fondly when you’re gone.
Feb 13 · 325
Reunions
cosmo naught Feb 13
I kissed you;
I mean kissed you.

and the rain between the buildings
loudly lauded with applause.
Dec 2019 · 164
Nich
cosmo naught Dec 2019
it’s all static if I can’t hear you.
all the same volume, meaningless

I am looking all over to grasp you,
— tell the others I found you

my only-ever prayer
to you, I love
forever.
(amen)
what I couldn’t say in the parking lot.
Dec 2019 · 21
dream dream dream
cosmo naught Dec 2019
I had a dream about you,
so intense it had a score.

hours and hours on end
building and blending
and smiling at me
and for once,
I know how it ended.
“tell me who are you crazy to”
Dec 2019 · 516
notes on the fallout
cosmo naught Dec 2019
there’s a half-life to our interacting.
and I am a scientist, scrutinizing it.

a certain proximity, and I
am irradiated, by you, anew,
every time.

I am burned up.
frayed,
and right here, on display.
taking diligent notes on the fallout
today, in this wasteland.


I search the ground
with my hand and
an eyeglass.



I shouldn’t like what I find.
Jan 2019 · 349
this for me to muse on
cosmo naught Jan 2019
of course I’m still in love.

many of them.

one with you,
one is yours.


and I look so warmly forward to you.


it is still you I speak to;
I hear when my mind is quiet.


and it’s you I purely cry for,
if anything I’ll ever do could be.


of course.
maybe always
Nov 2018 · 210
The process
cosmo naught Nov 2018
oh, it’s starting
oh it’s starting.
Oh it’s starting
Oh it’s starting!
Oh, it’s over
Oh it’s over
oh it’s over
oh it’s over
Oct 2018 · 339
while you were gone
cosmo naught Oct 2018



it is good that i was lying next to you
as you sounded your alarm.
quick and shallow hiccups
tiny gasping
shook the bed.
i swatted you
— 2:30 am


even more alarming when it stopped,
i crashed to life
half up-above you.

a nightmarish apparition of myself
a screeching, darkening
premonition of death.


your eyes rolled
your head
heavy ragdoll
I begged you
to wake up;
struck you,
screamed your name

and I focused intently
as, vivid surreal,
the reds and the blues,
streams and islets,
turned up violets
at some deltas
of the reds and the blues
of your face
and so i never even felt for your heartbeat.


much like in throes of passion,
the attempts to force
any inspiration
were my frantic lips
still breathing your name
against yours
cool, moist, and soft,
yet, this time,
unreceptive
to my pleading.
and i heard my disembodied voice
somewhere inside my hollow head
call help


This part hasn’t ended yet
Sep 2018 · 602
It comes in waves
cosmo naught Sep 2018
I know what you are like,
well.
and cannot breathe when you are with me.
for the scent I still spend
quiet time remembering
.
.
Jul 2018 · 335
Love the ones you love
cosmo naught Jul 2018
Regret turns me
into a wilting paper flower
Good for nothing
but to write down what I love there
for another
Jun 2018 · 240
Nightly affairs
cosmo naught Jun 2018
I had dreams that stuck with me
     They stuck with me.


I had a dream you love me
Lady, love me.
      Love me!
     love me,

H-h?hold and
You can touch me

Kiss me (lightly,
(Lovely (lovely)

Softly
        ugh

she’s all Complete and i
Could never get enough

(!) please
Put yourself above me

Lush and comely,
Lady lovely
May 2018 · 278
Apologies of sorts
cosmo naught May 2018
I know you think I know the truth.
all truth, or so you thought.
I think you think I am the truth.
or was (but I am not.)
And I know you think I know that,
but I left it all unsaid.
The truth is I'm holding a bird in my hand,
but the bird in my hand — it is dead.
May 2018 · 219
Fruit tree in the alleyway
cosmo naught May 2018



this morning, walk to work with you.
Better than ***.


I think that we've figured it out.
If we want it forever, then now we know how
.
cosmo naught Apr 2018

flowers for now,
ripeness for later.

Apr 2018 · 183
fragments i.
cosmo naught Apr 2018
we certainly got  to know
somethings about each other
but to know really  nothing
,maybe that's the thing
we have  in common,
and i think that's fine.
.
.
.
Mar 2018 · 158
love notes i.
cosmo naught Mar 2018
If I'm quick enough to smile
before you do
at me,

you straighten,
then relaxedly
soften
to touch.

I love you so much.
Feb 2018 · 120
just wondering
cosmo naught Feb 2018
Is it possible

I could tell you,

when my mind is

a mess,

it is still you

I think to

?
The answer is no.
Feb 2018 · 493
rant
cosmo naught Feb 2018
I will break my own heart
just fine
thank you

I am a heartbreaker
don't
you
know that?


thousands of hearts
and each of them mine
every time

every night
I will break my own heart
now


maybe I should
break my own heart
now


I am the heartbreaker
Watch as I go
Feb 2018 · 385
you just know
cosmo naught Feb 2018
•••

half-illuminated day,

are you raining, i wonder



the blank space stretches

between the windowsill and me





even through the curtains,

when there is sun, it feels so sure.

why is its absence obvious

any less so?
cosmo naught Jan 2018
I want something to feel.
so bad.
I'm having
pizza guy fantasies.
Looking through the peep hole,
my hand on a crisp 20
Sep 2017 · 187
how difficult is that?
cosmo naught Sep 2017
you are difficult to love
in many ways the same
as it is difficult to love anyone
and many ways different
than those that make it
difficult to love me.

but it isn't hard.
it's just love.
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