for a few weeks
a while ago
I was creeped out,
It's really not something you can talk about with anyone.
Especially polite company.
I think it terrified me
to hear the laughter and its echoes
not one of us feels joy.
Not where we are.
Not who we are while we are here.
The laughter, all so innocent,
from all of us so guilty.
And in those rare moments we let ourselves feel,
it was usually shame.
As, just, like, a somewhat interesting aside, my boyfriend broke four ribs during this "weirded out by laughter" episode I had. If something funny happened, even truly enjoyable things, we both would have to suppress our laughter, which is it's own special variety of torture. I cried through MANY of these incidents, feeling horrible guilt for causing him additional pain when I couldn't stop laughing (which is very hard to do when it's real) (thereby prompting his continued laughter) like, it was miserable. It was a fascinating experience at the time, but totally miserable. Social behaviors, man