I pride myself into being honest
never tell lies - on the outside -
I never tell lies outisde the wall I guard myself with
Outside this wall, I'm the most honest person you'll ever meet

Inside this wall is something
That's doesn't need protection
this wall is imprisonment
This wall is hiding away a terrible monster

And every brick of the wall
protecting my secrets
is another ******* lie

every atom is filled with empty space
that's how i got lost
the open spaces in my mind are haunting me
and i forgot where i always used to hide

i'm floating in a sea of fake emotions
don't know if there's one i should trust
should i scream or just stay quiet?
who would find me if i did?

There's echo's and tears
and i'm thinking of flames
but you can't burn
nothing

i wish we had a song we shared together
so i could listen it over and over again
and then delete it

but all of my musics sounds like you
we shared our lifes together

from now on every time i'll hear a song
it will be ours
and i'll miss you
like hell

I was your
overly attached chatfriend

you were the guy to put Romance into friendships

I never knew you
another stranger I never met

But you kept me warm
for a few precious heartbeats

And once I told you how I felt

Perfect stranger
Overly attached chat
will we ever meet
again?

You only once
apologised to me
For something I didn't know of
and didn't know was wrong

Maybe it's good
that you tried to change things
but will you ever say sorry
for all the hurt that you caused?

Pain
is always
the worst
pain ever
right now

reality is
always
stronger than the past

I never see your pain
Knowing it must be there doesn't change that
You seem fine
I must seem un-caring to you

I heared your story
I never assumed it was over
but I've never asked about it since
afraid to steer-up this topic

So often I'm clueless about the pain I cause in others
Just by not focusing on them
Just by assuming they're okay
just because it's easier to not think about

I'm very sorry
and that won't change your pain

I always try to be perfect
and every day I fail
there's lists around my room and in my head
of things needed to be improved
and I wouldn't know where to start
or when

maybe life's not about being perfect
but I still think I should
at least try

we use poems to mask our silence
and then also speak about the poems
hé Daniël, I got
another thousand views on hellopoetry
like it would matter
like we would write less, if no one would ever read us

I would, anyway
and if no one would read me anymore
I might get honest
I might start to be vulnerable
I might open up

maybe one of these days
I'll find the curage
to tell you
about your name
and what it means
to me

the only flowers you ever gave me
were plastic
but i still smell them
they smell of plastic, candlewax, and maybe even a little of you

if you had given me flowers
the real kind
would i have sprayed them with something, or dried them?
i would
i would have tried to save them, just like i tried to save our love

it would have been fairer if the flowers you gave me were real
cause maybe i would have seen them die, slowely
despite my efforts
maybe it would have prepared me for the death of our love
maybe i would have realised, before it happened

and maybe, i wouldn't be staring at plastic flowers now

your mind
is a balloon

I only
let go
for half a second

We keep pretending making tea
like children with a playset
we keep pretending we are real
enough to drink and taste

We keep pretending we're in touch
like we have a real connection
we keep pretending we're not strangers
and we never even met

The best rain
Is the rain touching somebody
who's been stuck in bed for over a month
pouring through the open window

pouring right into her heart

at the other end of the gate, the first rainbow in years was right in front of me
it was whole, i could see both it's endings
totally ignoring the storm

i stopped and staired
rainbow, who are you?

i remember the story of Noah
and God telling: never this again

in my own storm, in which i somehow didn't die...
the rainbow was my light at the end of a tunnel
God reminding me he was still in charge
and every rainbow was a reminder of how He saved me

as time passed, the rainbow got a different meaning
it showed the universe approving of diversity
a single gay-parade marching down from heaven

and again, years passed
and a rainbow looking down on me from higher skies
reminding me of....
of what?

i'm probaly still gay
and God is still in charge
and Noah... he was still the last to see a total flood

and it just struck me
how even God sometimes needs a rainbow in order to forget His anger
how big the mess in earthly storms

the rainbow slowly disappeared into the dark
but some day it will be there
to remind me
of something else

We had nothing
only sun and heat
fights and love
a basement, in the hottest country
the only 2 people anyone knew that were still eating
it was Ramadan

We were strangers
poor and lonely
not familiar with their language
just relying on each other

We were eating
but the country loved us anyway
countless strangers
smiling at our non-arabic skin colours
every single person we met did everything to welcome us

It was my birthday, but also Eid al-Fitr
the strangers started eating
big smiles, and bigger hearts
a country I may never see again
gave me
and you
the best july I ever saw

Don't say my name
i'm not real, anyway
don't say my name
or acknowledge my existance

I never happened
i'm just the shadow of a dream
something from an ancient story
a bad movie, a sad song

don't say my name
what you won't put into words
will not get real
or even fiction

It never happened, i'm just a stranger
you heared of me but
you would not recognise me if i
sat next to you in the bus station

Don't say my name
you may let me exist in your memories
but never in your stories
and never in your words

Don't say my name
and i will leave you alone

or will I?

They all want sunshine
long summers on the beach
and think we're crazy
because we're longing for rain

But you and I
would take a walk in the rain
untill our skins are soaking
and we're one in with the storm

You and I
don't care about the cold
want the wind to touch us
blow our souls away

You and I
would walk through any storm
and when we hear the sound of thunder
we will feel so so warm

years ago,
we build a time capsule together
and said: this is the defenition of pain
for today, and for eternity

and floated apart we kept protecting our dig side
however much i do not want see you again
no way no, you will not dig up that pain
i would rather die than let you feel it again

but tonight i dug it up
and you were not there to stop me
probaly living in Sweden with your new love
like, the seventh since me?
why would you care about me digging up an old box?

Do you remember Pandora?
our pain has allways been like it
i opened it this evening
and forsake intire worlds

I can't find a box big enough
Emotion
I'm not supposed to deal with
Words
that never form a line

I started running
the path
still visible
trackmarks of me
crawling
nowIi'm going the other way

forget Progress
forget Opening yourself up
forget
all
Hope

keep running
you didn't come far yet
it's easy
to reach me
the safe zone

here you don't need
to deny
anything
but you

the old man
looks tired
of balancing
the stones
on his shoulders

the old man
would like to
sit down
and rest a bit

that he can't do
what would be easy with a big rock
is impossible,
if you carry pebbles

Romance
without love
awesome?
or tragic
confusing
or just
another way of doing things?

perhaps i am a rose
meant to bloom up your living room
share beauty for a while
even if it means i'm dying

you threw the rose away
it would just remind you of how you got it
that's okay too
i'll share my beauty with the garbage

rots
water
zee

langzaam
word ik afgebrokkeld
de zee vecht

ik kan alleen maar

blijven staan

you don't have to close your eyes to taste this
just breath
take in the scent
smell the odor
let it take you over

without seeing you will see it
the right colour of brown
pale haselnuts in the middle
just feel it on your tongue
the chocolate
haselnut structure
start chewing your empty mouth

be never so much satisfied by any food
enjoy the best flavout ever

self pity
should I let you in
self pity
perhaps today I deserve you
wasn't today hard enough?
can't I wallow in sadness
and beg my friends for attention?

self pity
for now I'll keep you on arm-lenght
because I want you
but I like you
a little too much

There was a time i knew
exactly where i stood
God created life on earth
and everything was good

Just pray twice for every meal
read your bible without thinking
in case of questions: parents are right
and the church agrees with them

I want that back
i want to crawl inside my homophobic misogynistic childhood
stay there, not knowing i'll grow up to be a gay, powerful, woman
i never lost God while growing up
but i miss my faith in self righteousness

*It felt good, to know everything.

Share with me
he said from his computerscreen far away
share with me
anything and everything
you could possible share

you see, I like you
we just met minutes ago
but somehow I convinced myself you're special
so share with me
everything you can

I like a little company
there's moments i am home alone
and too sick to leave my room
but there's internet
it helps me trough
i connect with a random stranger
share a few kind words
or get to know them
i made a few kind friends this way
people to look forward to 'seeing' again
or so i thought
and then,  suddenly
right at the center of my screen
an image i'll have to erase later
make my mind clean again
but can never be unseen
my mind exploding in anger
while in the same loosing a potential friend
you wouldn't walk naked on the streets
so please, keep your pants on too on the internet
(or at least the tiny part of internet that involvs me)
i really do not want to see any ******
would it be too hard to respect me?

The only reason
your face stays dry
is: pillows can not cry.

it's hard to tell your story
life needs to make at least some sense
to be put into words
words are usually on my side
but in this case
my words are forests where my emotions can hide
in this case
silence
is my only sound

it's hard to open to a stranger
the words
the stories
things happened long ago
how do you tell them?
and what lights do you use

do you want to shine on your own role like
a victor
a victim
a bystander
what's my part of my life?

i answered the answer of why my life is falling apart
with silence
i have nothing to say
but silence masking my pain

Sometimes I wish I was still allowed to call you sister
because it's  the most powerfull word I know
But no matter what the world does to you
and no matter how much you'll change
to become somebody nobody would call a sister
I will be here
and I will be your sister

And if life sometimes makes you so tired
you consider sleeping forever instead
please let me stand next to you
please let me keep talking until the morning
If the world hates you
let me be your world instead
And let me fight at your side
changing the world one stubborn person at a time
I promise we'll get there
I promise they will all love you some day

let me be your God until you find Him back
let me be your life boat in the storm
let me be your water bottle in a dessert
let me be your Lily in the valley of death
let me be anything that keeps you alife

I'll be your willow if you need someone to cry for you
I'll be your car if you want to get somewhere fast
I'll be a poem when you need music
I'll be a mirror, if you want to know if you're still beautiful
(because you are, with or without *******)
let me be your pillow when you're sleepy
and your cup of coffee in the morning
let me be something... anything
because I'd be anyting for you
and I'd do everything

because when my world seems too dark to keep on going
and I need something to hold
you're always the rope to pull me trough
and you're the light that keeps my heart light enough to carry it
I consider it an honour when you sleep on my spare matrass
It's a privelege to be on the other side of the line
when you're on the phone for three hours
I love how neither of us ever hangs up until our mother forces you to go to sleep
I love how you love my stuffed animals more than I do
I love how you never complain about my ***** room
I love how you can spontanously kiss my... toe
I love how you bought and cooked my favorite food when I left you my wallet
I love how you dare to be vulnerable enough to fight to be yourself
I love how you love me so much, I dare to be myself
Happyness is having a hard time keeping up with your awesomeness
Please never doubt it will catch up with us soon

And if you don't want to be my sister anymore
that's okay
you can be my brother or my sibling or anything you'd want to become
because I know nothing more powerful
than my love for you

take another breath
it's poison
and you know it
but every day
you let it win
cause long-term doesn't matter
if right now it's happiness
let it in

It's all coming
the world
responsibilities
it's full of it.

It's all coming
the pressure
your life
make something of it.

It's all coming
stress and worries
pain and fear
and it's okay.
You know you have to go through it.
You know there is no other way.
And it's worth it - you know that too.

It's all coming
but right now it's all still far away
right now you get to rest.
So hit the button
and snooze.

I almost outgrew my hate for soccer
because you loved it
and I wanted to love you
the best I could

but soccer still confuses me
and you confuse me even more
you're 3400 km and 7 months away
but also just a heartbeat

I never wrote
as little poems as
when we were together
so maybe it's good we are apart

But all I know
about soccer
is loving it wasn't enough
to stay inside your heart

A college education
diploma's in 3 different fields
But born in a country
filled with poverty

She took a change
for a better life
but without papers
so without rights

She's positive
says her life is better here
And then she gets up, and continues
cleaning my mothers living room

I need to stab myself
get my blood flowing
red warmth to promise me I'm still alife

I need to stab myself
open up my heart
tonight, madness is better than feeling nothing

I need to stab myself
to get the juice of life pass my own borders
My heart's a prison, I need to be free

I've built walls
Thousands
years of therapy won't break them down
I've muted my feelings
Along with hopes and dreams

I need to stab myself
just in need to feel something
even when it's only pain I'm letting in

Find some new walls
paint them white

hang up fresh curtains
find a fitting washing machine

Buy second hand furniture
convince friends to get them upstairs

Decorate your kitchen
Build a bedroom in your closet

Flowers on the table

It doesn't change things
You know this ain't a new begin

because there's still

you

please don't dissapear
i want you to be here tomorrow
i want to wake up
and see your smile

every day

Het is een stilte die je niet vertrouwen ****
nu stil, maar voor *** lang?
Wat is het volgende geluid, komt er een storm?

Het is een stilte die je overschreeuwen wilt
TV, muziek, misschien moet ik iemand bellen
alles klinkt beter dan wat er nu klinkt

Het is een stilte die bang maakt
dreiging, dichtbij of veraf
en niet weten hoelang

het nog stil zal zijn

'I'll never see my brother again'
says the stranger I met online somewhere
And he proceeds to tell me
about the rocket exploding
while his brother tried to rescue
others
but died himself

I can't help but cry
and the stranger gets worried about me
since I'm crying
So I dry my eyes
but I'm wondering
how did he turn so much pain
into kindness?

i just have to believe what you say, stranger
because your words are all i've got

i just have to believe your name
though there were no results in facebook or google

i'm just believing that you like me
and that you really would analyse my handwriting
and that you live in the place you're living

but i will never know
if you'll come online
again

Strong girl,
you're not half as messed up
as you think

Strong girl,
you're a work in progress
but you're working
so that's fine

Strong girl
you'll figure out your problems at some point
but today
all you need
is to smile

Down the hill
near the sea
Is a place
you'd have to see

Happiness
was ours each summer
me and my sister
and our sweet mother

The best times
were always there
but now memories are spoiled
it doesn't seem fair

When I close my eyes
I rewitness a terrible thing
it was a normal day
I was sitting on a swing

But then the war came
the bombings, destruction and defeat
There was so much chaos
I just remember dead bodies and heat

My sister was lying
to safe her own life
And then she had to leave me
become some soldiers wife

It was me left in rubble
Traumatised and lonely
Seen most terrible things
needed someone to hug me

And then a hand
suddenly grabbed mine
It was my dear mother
but she didn't look fine

A part of her skull
was blown away
She was dying in seconds
but had something to say

She was trying
but no words came to surface
She shed her last tear
we were both worthless

I was alone now
and didn't know what to do
no house and no mother
nothing to stick to

I left the little
house down the hill
And now thinking of my dreamhouse
makes me feel cold and ill

sunday morning
finally some time of
and even the king
gets to slack of on the internet

I'm not allowed to call my own brother a boy
got angry looks all over the christmas dinner
'you shouldn't encurage her' my mom said
'she's just crazy' said my father

and i'm not allowed to call him by his 'boys name'
they won't give him the phone to him until i say 'Tamara'
just say they don't know anyone that goes by his name
and claim they just raised daughters

He has to live with them
every day the same battle
i can't even imagine how hard it must be
to have to fight to be your own gender

my parents may never accept this, but
i have a little brother
and he's awesome
because he dares to be

Himself

you'll know already that you apologise tomorrow
for the things you'll do tonight
for the thing you'll say
for the things you won't say
for the things you cannot do

you're so broken
so tired
so much pain is hiding
in the inside of your bones

listen to my soundless screaming
listen to my verbless words
did you ever
experience this much hurt before?

and you know you'll apologise tomorrow
but tonight you'll scream inside
maybe hard enough to forget the pain
for just one
freaking second

The body is not an apology
I once sat on a bicycle, naked
with 3 medical students cheering at me
I don't believe I ever pedaled so hard
three strangers talking small talk while staring at my sweaty *****
And I was not even allowed to say anything back
but at least now I know I own a strong hard

The body is not an apology
I get uncomfortable just talking about nakedness
yet every week I make small talk with naked strangers
while fastly putting on my normal clothes
right over my sweaty body
I'm way too scared to take a shower like the rest of them

The body is not an apology
I didn't swim since I was fourteen
eleven years of excuses why I shouldn't swim, but honestly,
I just can't handle the image of myself in a bathing suit
I'm the fattest person I ever met
And I'm so tired
of trying to find apologies
for being what I am

The body is not an apology
and neither are eating disorder, depression or small budget
Neither is too tired to cook or genetics
my bones aren't any heavier than yours

The body is not an apology
But maybe my gym card is
and my food diary
and my salad for dinner
Maybe it is enough
that at least
today I tried

the car still smells
like the one conversation
we had there

one of the five times
in a twenty year relationship
we actually talked

and i can't help thinking
who got traumatised more
during that one short conversation?

was it your truth, or was it mine
that was more revealing?
which was the worst to hear?

just as your life
and your words
your trauma was
far in the past

but just as my life
and my words
is my trauma:
still to come

we held our thumbs up to the moon
looked at stars during daylight

the planets that you fotographed
the passion that we shared

you used to write and i used to listen
i used to write, to hear you say how i was briliant

we were both teenagers
thinking rainbows could have mercy

thinking you and i
might work



we did work
as long as we kept believing it did

as long as we made up our own rainbow
and painted intire skies

this daycare
a world
all children abandoned by fathers
does he come back?

a phoneline
we keep talking
what we hear back is static
what we believe is love

does He come back?
did God just leave us for a while?
are we orphans?
did our father ever exist?

this world's
a daycare
and we're trying so hard to keep believing
we'll be picked up at the end of the day