I don't remember much
my youth
the lake
fresh blood
his eyes

The pain
the scream that left me
and all the screams that stayed inside
his firm grip handcoffing my wrists
bruises

The fear
of not being in control
helplessness at a time I should
protect myself
guilt


The silence
twenty years of silence
of not dealing with a memory
ignoring facts until they dissapeared
living my life as an aftershock
waiting for those last moments between disaster and death

I don't know what happened
I refuse to remember, even now
but that was the day
the sun went out

I was diagnosed with depression today
apperently doctors lie too
and it's not too hard to make them do that

I was diagnosed with depression today
allready i'm reshaping those words
turning them into something i will not believe, but use

I was diagnosed with depression today
So now, everything is not my fault
I hold my diagnose up like a shield
now find someone else, to blame

you want to know why i've been so unhappy? said the flower to the tree
the tree just nodded
he didn't understand the feeling
he could view the whole country,
his branches seemed to touch the sky
and he was always as strong as his own roots..

but the flower intrigued him
the flower that always seemed to be crying
but appeared to be so much smarter then him
the flower was the reason the tree sometimes worried his life wasn't as simple as he thought it was
but whenever he asked, the flower just looked at him
with such sad eyes the tree melted

the flower sighed once, but then stayed quiet
he knew he couldn't share its feelings
the intensity of the emotion would break the tree
he would tremble and then fall and probaly crush the flower while hitting the ground
the flower always knew that while it appeared otherwise, he was the strongest of the two
he was the only one to be able to bear the unbearable

and knowing this made him smile

you're safe inside me
said the house
no matter you're alone
i'm gonna take care of you

don't mind thunder or hail
rain or sunshine
wind or mist
i'll be around you

i trusted the house
and i figured
i was really safe
this time

but the storm said
i am angry enough to destroy something big
and if you're even kind of happy
i really can't stand you

so the storm blew
and the house tried
but wasn't strong enough
couldn't keep his promise

so i stand alone again
facing the left-overs of my house
and i can't stop wondering
was i wrong to trust it?

it wasn't in the middle ages
but in the era of technology
the knight wasn't a knight
but his heart was warm and loyal and honest
and he found a princess he needed to save

the princess lived in a castle
he couldn't get in without a visa
nor pay the money to fly to her tower
but it was the era of technology
princess and knight could meet online

'some day',  the knight thought
'some day, she'll be my princess
but at least today
she'll be the queen of my dreams'

if i'd ever paint a lake
i'd paint it cold
i'd paint it frozen
without flowers, without sun

if i'd ever paint a lake
i'd think about
how cold you made me
how i'll never again feel hope

if i'll ever paint a lake
i'll paint you
and everything you've done

I once believed in a fata morgana
it had your name

I once believed i would marry you
and flew to your country

I once believed if i didn't unpack
time would stop and save me

I wonder if you still have the letter you wrote me
the second of the two

if not, it's all
history

the crystal clear tear stared at me from the cheek it was sliding on
i said: why do you care?
the tear just stared, and slowly fell down

as the tear touched the floor
it already was forgotten
but the cheek still was wet
and the mirror a silence witness

The night the meteor left again
it left a crater at the place my world had been

i walked around it
staring at the cold emptyness
ruins of the things i used to love
now just cold remainders of villages and cities
dead bodies that have been buried there
memories now forgotten

it didn't feel like a lost at first
i had the meteor, it shared so much warmth
i knew for sure happy tidings were to come
and the meteor was going to stay forever

now i'm left with a big hole
inside my world, inside my feelings
i try to fill with sand or dirt or water
but it's just too big! I have not enough materials
i cannot make this hurt undone

the moon
is new
still empty

open
for every
possibility

i stand still
to look at my life
and the ways that let me
here

the moon
will be filled
with memories
thoughts and words
stories

my life
will go
a way i can't forsee
but i'm going
anyway

the moon
will shine
at it's brightest
at the middle
of it's cycle
and everything
will look
so nice

i will
figure myself out
and have a bright day
at some point

the moon will grow older
ripe like a cheese
filled
with memories
instead of possibilities

i may
look back at this
at some point
and wish
i made a different
decision

the moon will die
when it's time comes
not go out with a bang
but fade into nothingness

the moon
is a kite
and i'm the one
to fly it

after the moon dies
a new moon
comes along
to start
over

the princess
fell asleep
and dreamed about a prince
who saved her.

the prince
was asleep too
and dreamed about
saving a maiden

I want to run away
this is good for me
I want to hide somewhere
But it's good for me
I want to cancel the appointment
lie and say I'm sick
But I won't
because it's good for me

I know
my pain is real
when hours pass
and i get silent
then i finally hear
my heart
gasping for air

I know
when art is good
my heart whispers
lines of beauty
between breathing

I know beauty
when my heart
stops beating
until i take in what i watch or hear

and i know
suffering
doesn't seem to make sense
and i would do less of that
with a smaller heart
but my heart just won't stop growing

My heart allways says
and allways screams
and often cries
until i give it the pain
mine and yours
and even the pain of the people on the news
and sometimes even pain from fiction

And my heart gets heavy
so heavy i think
it can't beat anymore
my limps ain't strong enough
to carry around all this pain inside me
my muscles are screaming to close off my heart
stop entering pain because we just
can't take it anymore
But my heart keeps adding
my heart keeps going on
'you think this is pain?
just wait for the day you get cancer
or your mother dies.
Or nature finally finds it's way to your city
and show you what real pain is all about'

every time i feel like collapsing
(i may even consider to leave life
and search for a world without pain)
my heart beats
that single knock, really saying
'I am the one carrying oxygen
and life
to every vein and ever muscle
if you think you are alife,
that's just because I turn your pain into something else
every time you hear me beat
you feel me shaking inside you
that's the sound of me fighting your pain
I chop of it's head
create life, by turning it into something else
I TURN YOUR PAIN INTO LOVE

And yes, my heart get's heavy
i look at it
and lose all hope
i am just one person
how did i collect so much pain
and how can i bear this kind of suffering?

'don't look at the pain'
my heart says
'look not at what I take in
look at what I let out
look at every day I make you get out of your bed
look at the words I make you say
turning a smile on someone's face
look at all the small acts of kindness you will do
making life a little better'
my heart says 'it's all small steps
but every time I beat, I make this world better
every time I beat, I create a little love'

'and this is all just baby steps
I am still growing up
practising
I'm learning of what I am capable
I'm preparing myself
and when I'm done
I'll show you so much love
that you'll forget
what pain even looks like
don't even ask me why you're here, because
I am beating
until I have given

All my love'

my spine is bruised
with lonelyness
time and company will heal it

part of it will never go
it will allways be my sensitive spot
i will allways remember
who caused my pain

I created the sea
a thousand years of crying
of staring at the skies

Now I'm swimming
trying to learn
a way out of my pain

The shadow shows herself to her
Her own lines
the words that hurt the most
He looks at her, and says:
You didn't hurt enough
Let's read this poem together
Let's live this poem together
feel the pain all over again

The shadow means well
He wants to understand
But she doesn't want to go back
She doesn't have to go back
She's still in that moment
she's still on that floor
she's still screaming from pain
Trying to reach her phone to reach an ambulance

The shadow wants to know her past
she wants it to know her
she wants to be known
But she doens't want to know
She has to look forward
or she'll stay in the past forever.

when the world seems to be falling apart
turn to the creator of things
He's listening
He's loving

And He'll take care of you
no mather what

Everybody dies
That risk is part of living
We all walk around knowing our next breath
may be our last
But we're all hoping to be 85 someday
and die of old age
when living got boring anyway

You probably won't get there
your heart, is a timebomb
every heartbeat another tick
tick tick tick
running towards it's last tick
it's last beat, before your veins close around it
your body attacks it, because it isn't really yours

And the numbers ain't good
they talk years, maybe one or two decades
but it will be soon, when your timebomb runs out of time


If my own heart
connects with yours
if I make it beat faster
and give my extra ticks to you
do I buy you more time?

Is there a magical prayer
a bribeable doctor
another heart you can gain from a carcrash?

Can I blow my own life into yours
increase your lifespan with poetry
keep your heart going, for many decades to come?

I just met you
you're still the new guy in my life
I have no right to claim you
but timebomb inside you
please never explode.

I wrote you a story but my pen was out of ink
the words existed only when they were written
until i forgot them again
and the story never existed all at once
but it was still a story
and i wrote if for you
and God still knows every word

I'm not leaving you outside my heart
well I am,
but I'm not
not-telling you anything I know

there's walls inside my own mind I'm not allowed to cross
they don't have doors, I'd have to climb
and then jump
so I'd be falling
for a long time

and nobody knows how broken I'd be if I'd survive the fall

so unless
you know how to buy a parachute
and help me climb the walls
you just have to
accept
there're things about me you'll
never know

He said: step out of your comfort zone
She said: fill out this questionaire
They said: get some help
We made up your mind, and you're not coping

The white dragon stares at me
mercyless, asking the next question
I could take your life, but I want to take the hard stuff
I want what you could never give

The white dragon
holds me with his eyes
forces me to dig around my soul
but the truth,

he'll never get

This body is too old to run
All it does today is sit
sit and stare to a world
who doesn't know yet how contemporary
time really is

This body is too old to fight
demons no longer treathened
partying on it's not immortal
soul

This body is too old to hide
Standing in the open
letting everyone
everything
every reason
getting inside

This body is too old to die
The life still burning
won't go out now
I may stick around
forever

The young man in my living room
is angry, raging
it takes all his self-control to not storm out forever
I wonder if he'd hurt me, and it would be justified

This is my son
the pain on his face is mine
I'm the main reason his heart has been bleeding for years
I'm the main reason for all this hate inside him

This is my son
I'd do anything to make him happy
and somehow that led to the opposite

I'm proud of him
for the way he deals with his anger
and confronts me with all that I did

And I wish
I could get down on my knees
beg him to forgive me
and let him love me again

but I can't

I just have too much to lose

whisper your secrets to the wind
tell your stories to the trees
but do not ever
ever ever ever
tell anything important
to another human being

share your secrets with a stranger
far away on the internet
keep closeness on a distance
do not let them hurt you
you could always turn them off

share your secrets with the wind
tell your stories to the trees
but never tell another soul
about the things that keep you up
about the things that make you silent
unless you want to scream

This day
will be a tough one
the list of responsibilities and tasks already formed
but even getting up sounds hard

my bed wants to hold me tight
my body wants more rest
my mind is trying to make excuses
I shouldn't do anything today

They're threatening to win
I'm still in bed at 1 pm
but no, I will get up
take a shower to prepare

to be today's most awesome
version of myself

some day i will teach you dutch
and i will tell you everything
that ever was important to me
in my own language

but not today

some day i will teach you how to ride a bicycle
i will take you to all my favorite places
and i hope that you will
enjoy the wind as much as i do

but not today

some day you will take me to your country
you will show me your culture
and i will taste
your mum's best coffee

but not today

We spend our times just dreaming
dreaming, but being apart
and all the great things
stay in the future

we can't do them today

some day i will take you to the kitchen
and teach you how
to make the best chocolatecake ever
Let's do it today!

I can't leave you
not even for a short while
you're always with me
very present in body and mind

I can't sleep because of you
all night long
you keep telling me
how much much pain you're in

I have to take you with me
but you're not giving any support
it's hard to take us
anywhere

I'll always stay with you
you've been such a big part of me
And for as long as you're in pain
we'll both work on

getting better

Time changes you
a memory, a story
my lips start to forget how you felt
my mind still repeats your phone number, but it doesn't work
you're unreachable now
a memory, a story

a boy i once loved
a man i shouldn't have trust
but i would give anything to see you again
or just to know
how you're doing
did you move on?
or are you also,
crying at midnight
begging the universe to turn back time
do you also crave for a moment with me?
are you trying to remember my smell?
the softness of my hair?

when i lie in bed,
i dream you in my arms
i hold your head against my *******
and my voice finds the words to calm the storms inside you
because that's what i want most
forget everything you did, and just hold you
give you some hope and happyness
just hold you
inside my arms
hold you
make you happy
hold you
until you sleep

everything needs
to end
everything should stop
some day

but you didn't think
it would be this day
and you didn't think
it would be your life
ending
it always felt you
would live forever

but what if you were wrong all along?
this could be
your last day

what would you do next?

how to manipulate my past
i need you back
i have to change things
to make you never let me go

I know the rules
i've played before
pawn to D4
let's do it

it goes fine for a while
but then i blink
and lose a bisshop
my horse walks right into a trap

i can't figure out
how i get here
but my whole life
looks like a mess
i've lost logic
did i have a plan at some point?

king hiding in the last save corner
queen fleeing for a pawn
i can't figure out
what my next move is
how do i deal with all this chaos in my life?

't was years ago that i loved you
no, that's not true
i still love you
it's just years ago since i saw your pretty face

't was years ago that you broke me
you left me like broken pieces of a mirror when you cut me out of your life
that cut was hard, and it took me months to regain my shining

't was years ago that i heard from you
that doesn't mean i didn't check your twitter bi-monthly
and i remembered every detail of all the conversations we once had

't was years ago we talked
that one's is true
even though my heart-ache got less, i always kept missing you

today i found your letter
it doesn't matter you adressed it to the whole wide world
i still love you
and i will never see you again
but at least now i know that

you are really happy

she held her in her arms
two lesbians
finally excepting who they are
finally embracing the love of their lives

ignore the city
with it's angry mob just outside the door
their torches won't burn forever
it's gonna rain, you know

ignore their parents
not giving their daughters away
that just means:
more weddingcake for me

ignore their collegues
jokes aren't funny anyway
and who needs company
during lunch?

two lesbians
madly in love
ignoring the world
as their only option

Flip the medal
flip, flip flip
one side
the other
then the first side again

intelligent
helpful
passionate
great cook

flip

obese
depressed
lonely
scared

flip

strong
loving
po­et
pretty awesome

flip

hurt
heartbroken
always complaining
never healthy

flip
flip, flip

i can show you
one side
and be awesome
and feel a cheater

or could show you
the other
and get you pity
or your hate

but i want you
to look at me
and see both sides
that's who i am

yesterday
two years ago
i didn't know

then we met
i laughed when you told me you loved me
and i would love you too

but you were right
somehow you made me open my heart
to let you in

but i was always scared to lose you
until you promised you would never break up with me
which you didn't

until you did

yesterday two years ago i didn't know
about the boy  who'd steel my heart
just to break it
and let me fall apart

I'm not going to face you
I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not
going to ever admit you might be real

all my poems about you, were based on fiction
and you are not the unknown reason
my soul seems to be screaming
you're not why I don't want to be alive

I don't know the details
just know I shielded my mind from you
just know my heart breaks in two every time you're mentioned
only know, how much I want to run away

but you're not real!
this pain is based on fiction
I couldn't remember you if I wanted to
since you never even happened

and you have nothing to do
with all these sleepness nights

let me pull you
close
to me

I'll make you a space
in my single-person bed
my chest could be your pillow

come here
come closer
let me just...
hold you

forever
or until
we sleep

was it the lighntening in your eyes that hit me?
was it the lonelyness in me?
i started dreaming us together
and i've been dreaming ever since

was it the moon that brought us together?
was it written in the stars?
i started thinking us together
and i thought of it ever since

was it the lonelyness inside me?
was the moon just in my head?
i wanted us to be together
and i'll want us ever since

vlinder....
*** lang blijf jij nog
vleugellam?

vlinder...
weet je dat het lente is?
je zou nu weer moeten vliegen
bloemen en zon

vlinder...
ik weet dat het niet kan
maar zou het willen
het maakt me moe zo verslagen te zijn

vlinder...
je zult een tijdje moeten wachten
dit is jouw lente niet
en niet jouw jaar

vlinder,
wacht maar!
volgend jaar ben ik hier nog
en dan gaan jij en ik samen
vliegen!

Wandering
inside my heart
I must be careful
after every corner may be something
I don't want to know about

Don't go there
it hurts
I can't have myself thinking about this
Lock the door
of this particular section
But my heart is so heavy with locks

I wipe my own memory
Every day
just do I don't remember lying
about almost everything
that could have been real

Time has always felt random
the moon, often a surprise
but it happens
at some point
and I welcome the beast-me with open arms

A raging lunatic
rambling trough the forests at night
looking for something to
hurt
stick my nails in
I need do draw blood
at the very least

I am a werewolf
a nice girl
living for the moment moon returns
never knowing
when I'll go crazy

Always hoping
I won't survive

I said goodbye
today
to my wheelchair

My leg
is touching the ground
it has to carry me
it has to carry me
around

I said goodbye to my wheelchair today
from now on, nobody can push me
from now on,
I'll walk

It's summer
whenever I close my eyes
and you and I
are together
somewhere
drinking tea
looking at
each other

Happy
Because we're together
it's hard to believe we can actually...
touch
smell
and even kiss each other
after all this time

We're quiet
smiling and crying
because we're trying to comprehend
this miracle
of you and me
meeting
face to face

I keep looking for people to pray to
Someone around whenever i need help
Someone to help me trough the tough days
the tough days, when i cannot carry my own shoulders
and can't even face the weight on them

I keep searching for people that have inner lights
bright enough to sunlight my dark days
with a love so strong i could cling to
and a consience clean enough to be praised

But i haven't found a person yet i could turn into my god
i keep looking in all the wrong places
shouldn't there be someone around strong enough
to help me trough my life?

I keep looking at all the wrong places
people aren't God, and have no sacret power
if i ask them to pull me up, they'll allways let me down
so i should move around my horizon,
and finally ask the only Person strong enough
to change my life forever

When you're scared
and too scared to admit you're scared
Can't find the words to mention to anyone
your life is falling apart
where do you go?

When you're scared
and too scared to admit you're scared
Lie about the reasons you're not sleeping
and pretend everything is fine
what do you do?

It's a great comfort
that God reads all thoughts
and knows the things inside you
which you don't want to know yourself

It's a great comfort
to have a loving Father
to hold you, and guide you
And He helps to let go
of all the secrets inside

who would have known
a broken heart
was this hard
to carry?

who would have known
memories
could be this
heavy

who would have known
a heart
could be
screaming

who would have known
you
would let me
go?

The girl with green eyes
is always running
don't try to catch her
don't even try

she has a wild side
pure animal
to hunt her down
would be close to ******

that doesn't mean you should leave her alone
in this world, wildlife
needs protection

Jesus performed a miracle today
said the alcoholist
explaining why drinking wine during a lecture

But the miracle wasn't that
the miracle is
us all
being alive

winter

i didn't have to write those poems
cause you and i already knew what...
yet you and i both lived

as i'm reading your story
as you tear your violin

you broke my heart so many times
that now i'm used to the sound of shredding glass

Cleansing rain
is not yet falling
you still hold me in your grip

yet i know that
you don't know who you are
you don't know how much you hurted

winter, i beg you
build your shadows into wings
change the past into some closure
modify feelings into dreams

winter, i hate you
winter, i love you
winter, i despite you
winter, i understand you
winter, do you have any idea how,

how freakisly hard you froze the lake.

Winter, i will not forget that
if means only if.
denying facts will give me closure
denying you may give me peace.

It's me
I came for a visit
hope that's okay

No, I know
you don't recognise me
A strange lady
I bet you don't even like

But you and I
we have a lot in common
I'm you
but it's twenty years later

And it's time
it's finally time
I want to ask you
how you feel

How are you coping
with school and at home
I know you have friends
but why do you feel
so lonely?

And what can I do to help?

It's been years
since I saw you
I try to focus on my future
I don't like to think too much about you

But you're still here
you're with me
affecting my choiches
affecting my mood

I know you are lonely
so let me be your friend now
we'll deal with our presents
and we'll never be alone