We had nothing
only sun and heat
fights and love
a basement, in the hottest country
the only 2 people anyone knew that were still eating
it was Ramadan

We were strangers
poor and lonely
not familiar with their language
just relying on each other

We were eating
but the country loved us anyway
countless strangers
smiling at our non-arabic skin colours
every single person we met did everything to welcome us

It was my birthday, but also Eid al-Fitr
the strangers started eating
big smiles, and bigger hearts
a country I may never see again
gave me
and you
the best july I ever saw

A college education
diploma's in 3 different fields
But born in a country
filled with poverty

She took a change
for a better life
but without papers
so without rights

She's positive
says her life is better here
And then she gets up, and continues
cleaning my mothers living room

I almost outgrew my hate for soccer
because you loved it
and I wanted to love you
the best I could

but soccer still confuses me
and you confuse me even more
you're 3400 km and 7 months away
but also just a heartbeat

I never wrote
as little poems as
when we were together
so maybe it's good we are apart

But all I know
about soccer
is loving it wasn't enough
to stay inside your heart

how could you ever see the beauty that i have layed
so deep inside myself?

how will one ever know how i truely feel if i
keep lying?

you only saw my exocarp
would you've dig deep you'd find my mesotarp
how could you ever know that i
was talking 'bout my endocarp?

you don't even know these therms
thinking poems are but words
how could you ever care about
how i taste?

Within the shell is a single seed
open it in order to find me

plant it if you want to give me peace

The yellow streetlight
the skinny girl, fear in her eyes
the man who holds her,
the grip on her wrist

the silent sigh
the unsaid words
and then: a whisper
'i just tried to be myself...'

You're the minority
it's four against one
which means
we are right, and you should shut up

You're the minority
which means we make the rules
you're powerless
just live with it

You're the minority
and we think that's fair
because we all decided
it's nice how we treat you

at the other end of the gate, the first rainbow in years was right in front of me
it was whole, i could see both it's endings
totally ignoring the storm

i stopped and staired
rainbow, who are you?

i remember the story of Noah
and God telling: never this again

in my own storm, in which i somehow didn't die...
the rainbow was my light at the end of a tunnel
God reminding me he was still in charge
and every rainbow was a reminder of how He saved me

as time passed, the rainbow got a different meaning
it showed the universe approving of diversity
a single gay-parade marching down from heaven

and again, years passed
and a rainbow looking down on me from higher skies
reminding me of....
of what?

i'm probaly still gay
and God is still in charge
and Noah... he was still the last to see a total flood

and it just struck me
how even God sometimes needs a rainbow in order to forget His anger
how big the mess in earthly storms

the rainbow slowly disappeared into the dark
but some day it will be there
to remind me
of something else

she held her in her arms
two lesbians
finally excepting who they are
finally embracing the love of their lives

ignore the city
with it's angry mob just outside the door
their torches won't burn forever
it's gonna rain, you know

ignore their parents
not giving their daughters away
that just means:
more weddingcake for me

ignore their collegues
jokes aren't funny anyway
and who needs company
during lunch?

two lesbians
madly in love
ignoring the world
as their only option

The body is not an apology
I once sat on a bicycle, naked
with 3 medical students cheering at me
I don't believe I ever pedaled so hard
three strangers talking small talk while staring at my sweaty *****
And I was not even allowed to say anything back
but at least now I know I own a strong hard

The body is not an apology
I get uncomfortable just talking about nakedness
yet every week I make small talk with naked strangers
while fastly putting on my normal clothes
right over my sweaty body
I'm way too scared to take a shower like the rest of them

The body is not an apology
I didn't swim since I was fourteen
eleven years of excuses why I shouldn't swim, but honestly,
I just can't handle the image of myself in a bathing suit
I'm the fattest person I ever met
And I'm so tired
of trying to find apologies
for being what I am

The body is not an apology
and neither are eating disorder, depression or small budget
Neither is too tired to cook or genetics
my bones aren't any heavier than yours

The body is not an apology
But maybe my gym card is
and my food diary
and my salad for dinner
Maybe it is enough
that at least
today I tried

Elke keer
dat mijn hart beweegt
voel ik jouw liefde
want mijn hart is niet leeg

Elke hartslag
kom jij dichterbij
vergeet de afstand
tussen ons
te zijn

En als ik adem
zie ik je heel even staan
lang genoeg
om te weten
dat je nog steeds bij mij bent

'I'll never see my brother again'
says the stranger I met online somewhere
And he proceeds to tell me
about the rocket exploding
while his brother tried to rescue
others
but died himself

I can't help but cry
and the stranger gets worried about me
since I'm crying
So I dry my eyes
but I'm wondering
how did he turn so much pain
into kindness?

the car still smells
like the one conversation
we had there

one of the five times
in a twenty year relationship
we actually talked

and i can't help thinking
who got traumatised more
during that one short conversation?

was it your truth, or was it mine
that was more revealing?
which was the worst to hear?

just as your life
and your words
your trauma was
far in the past

but just as my life
and my words
is my trauma:
still to come

You were born to dance
run free in the wind
don't tie yourself
you shouldn't get stuck in one place

This kite
is not a dancer
it barely noticed the wind
for many many years

The kite is stuck
******* on a lamp post
cold and lonely
but scared to let go

Kite, cut yourself free
let the next breeze
lift you high
and let you be you

Everybody dies
That risk is part of living
We all walk around knowing our next breath
may be our last
But we're all hoping to be 85 someday
and die of old age
when living got boring anyway

You probably won't get there
your heart, is a timebomb
every heartbeat another tick
tick tick tick
running towards it's last tick
it's last beat, before your veins close around it
your body attacks it, because it isn't really yours

And the numbers ain't good
they talk years, maybe one or two decades
but it will be soon, when your timebomb runs out of time


If my own heart
connects with yours
if I make it beat faster
and give my extra ticks to you
do I buy you more time?

Is there a magical prayer
a bribeable doctor
another heart you can gain from a carcrash?

Can I blow my own life into yours
increase your lifespan with poetry
keep your heart going, for many decades to come?

I just met you
you're still the new guy in my life
I have no right to claim you
but timebomb inside you
please never explode.

My pillow knows
My pillow is the only one who ever heared the echo's of the screams I never screamed because the unknowing are asleep
My pillow knows
My pillow is the first witness
to all my tossing and turning
my lies about having had an awesome dream
My pillow knows
My pillow knows I sometimes bite it
to stop my ******* tears

2 years, a month, and 9 days after I saw you last,
I found 'our song' on youtube.
Now I'm listening to it for the first time
since I'm not with you.

The words are still sweet,
but has the melody always been this sad?
And if it was, did we pick it, because we would always
know it wouldn't work?

I haven't seen you since august 3, 2014.
The morning that I got in an airplane.
The morning that I no other option but to leave you,
even though it felt like I was leaving my life behind.

You left yourself too.
Left your roommate to deal with the leftovers.
Your clothes, your laptop, even your both your passports.
Looking back, I have no idea which version was really you.

But when I left you,
I could have gone back.
I knew the airport, the bus, and the walk to your apartement,
forgiving you could have been my next mistake.

When you left you,
you left me too.
You left my backspace.
My loneliness had been finalized.

Even though we finished, it felt unfinished.
Weeks after I left you ceased to exist.
Your memory got hazy by my teary eyes,
and all the mist of your lies.

There are rumours,
you either became a boat refugee or got married.
You're supposed to be in both Greece and Germany.
And your real name, was even something else.

I suppose I stopped missing you, over time,
but maybe I never became whole again.
I left a part of me with you, and I will never know
where you are.

we're so far away
you're just a speck of light
the distance is so big
but I found you

I didn't even know
I should search for you
but I looked in a telescope
and there you were

So far away
but sparkling
ready to brighten up my day
any day

You're my secret
too far away to talk about
but you're the strongest light
inside my universe

A ball of love
around my sun
You orbit my heart
where ever you go

I said goodbye
today
to my wheelchair

My leg
is touching the ground
it has to carry me
it has to carry me
around

I said goodbye to my wheelchair today
from now on, nobody can push me
from now on,
I'll walk

i broke down 10 years ago
and i never lost the hope
of this world being
without me

i fell down a year ago
and i got to opportunity
of learning how to walk again
being adult

i got sick two months ago
and i got to see the world
time passing by
without me living it

i faced the truth only this week
my capability
of absolutely nothing

my whole world
slowly falling apart
very little pieces
even fighters
sometimes need a break

I always try to be perfect
and every day I fail
there's lists around my room and in my head
of things needed to be improved
and I wouldn't know where to start
or when

maybe life's not about being perfect
but I still think I should
at least try

i remember
the phonecalls
the screams on the other end of the line

the sirens
the doctors
the bad news
the hope

the phone
was ringing ringing ringing
no answer
why were you not there?

the doctor
trying to give me new hope
the machine breathing for my child

and after the nightmare
we went out
and ate pizza

oh, what a great pizza

The night the meteor left again
it left a crater at the place my world had been

i walked around it
staring at the cold emptyness
ruins of the things i used to love
now just cold remainders of villages and cities
dead bodies that have been buried there
memories now forgotten

it didn't feel like a lost at first
i had the meteor, it shared so much warmth
i knew for sure happy tidings were to come
and the meteor was going to stay forever

now i'm left with a big hole
inside my world, inside my feelings
i try to fill with sand or dirt or water
but it's just too big! I have not enough materials
i cannot make this hurt undone

everday you'll say it gets better
though it only gets worse
tomorrow is always a promise of live getting better
but when today arives, you still feel sad and num, and find yourself thinking it's no use.

feeling sad
and every day a little bit sadder but you don't know why
this was going to be the most perfect year yet
your body is aching and you feel betrayed
your soul's aching and i feel...
horriefied

but then everything turns num again
and i just stare in the distance and wish it was night, and nothing else but sleep was intresting
but today is day, and i know there are things that need attention
ignorance builds a bigger hell.

my favorite poems don't cheer me up any more
sad songs are made of just words
and not your ten degree room, but your soul feels cold
and i wish i had a place to be homesick to.

sometimes you're here
as the ghost of what could have been
suddenly with me
i take my feet of the couch to make you room

we touch
may kiss
i hold you close to me for now
in this darkness, you seem real

ghost of what could have been
please, never visit me again
but also, never leave me
the real you is gone, so can your ghost atleast

stay?

A man died for his God today
took some others with him
decided their fate
and made the world
just a little more broken

A man stood before God today
His life is over
or just beginning
depending on what God says
He says I can't leave it like this

you caused pain
increased suffering
there's a world down there screaming for justice
He says I can't leave it like this

I see your heart
it's dark
but also broken
I know your pain
and how it came to this

A man died for his God today
he left a world behind
screaming for justice

but a God died for men some day
He died for this man
He died for this mess
He died for justice
but mostly for love

Don't say my name
i'm not real, anyway
don't say my name
or acknowledge my existance

I never happened
i'm just the shadow of a dream
something from an ancient story
a bad movie, a sad song

don't say my name
what you won't put into words
will not get real
or even fiction

It never happened, i'm just a stranger
you heared of me but
you would not recognise me if i
sat next to you in the bus station

Don't say my name
you may let me exist in your memories
but never in your stories
and never in your words

Don't say my name
and i will leave you alone

or will I?

my spine is bruised
with lonelyness
time and company will heal it

part of it will never go
it will allways be my sensitive spot
i will allways remember
who caused my pain

i wish you missed me too

i know you don't
only so little time has passes

i know you don't
you'd be here if you did

and i'd wish
-oh, how can i know what i wish?
i've never seen a place more confusing then my heart

i wish you missed me too

but more then that
i wish i didn't miss you

Time has always felt random
the moon, often a surprise
but it happens
at some point
and I welcome the beast-me with open arms

A raging lunatic
rambling trough the forests at night
looking for something to
hurt
stick my nails in
I need do draw blood
at the very least

I am a werewolf
a nice girl
living for the moment moon returns
never knowing
when I'll go crazy

Always hoping
I won't survive

vlinder....
*** lang blijf jij nog
vleugellam?

vlinder...
weet je dat het lente is?
je zou nu weer moeten vliegen
bloemen en zon

vlinder...
ik weet dat het niet kan
maar zou het willen
het maakt me moe zo verslagen te zijn

vlinder...
je zult een tijdje moeten wachten
dit is jouw lente niet
en niet jouw jaar

vlinder,
wacht maar!
volgend jaar ben ik hier nog
en dan gaan jij en ik samen
vliegen!

Ik zou honderd jaar in je ogen kunnen kijken
maar nooit zou ik weten
wat er in je omgaat

Ik zou niet honderd jaar in je ogen kunnen kijken
ik zou zoveel oneerlijkheid nooit verdragen
ik was de deur uit voor je een woord kon zeggen

Als ik honderd jaar in je ogen zou kijken
zou ik dan weten
zou ik dan voelen

het waarom?
en zou ik schuld zien?

Ik zal eens honderd jaar in je ogen kijken
op onze lange reis hebben we hetzelfde doel

I carry my heart around
like a balloon
filled with rocks
and somehow... the rubber ain't breaking

and my heavy heart may slow me down
but it doesn't stop me
because i'm going to where they sell helium
and then i'm going to fly

God is a coma patient
awareness His secret
no ability to communicate
with whatever outside His head

Imagination
is His only weapon against
centuries of nothing
that's how He became God


Imagine His boredom
lying in that bed all His life
wouldn't you als create 7 billion imaginary friends,
if you were smart enough to think them?

Imagine His brilliance
creating the universe
then somehow stepping inside
His own creation

Imagine
how great the real world must be
if one simple coma patient
can create Ours

We keep pretending making tea
like children with a playset
we keep pretending we are real
enough to drink and taste

We keep pretending we're in touch
like we have a real connection
we keep pretending we're not strangers
and we never even met

you
you're not a poet
and no matter how hard you try, you'll never be one
but what you are, is even better
you're a poem

everytime i look in your eyes
i see new lines, freshly written

when i touch your face
echo's of ancient words are heared deep inside my soul

i haven't made love to you yet, and i can't even imagine
the poetry i will feel that day

so even when you will never be a poet
you'll be the only poem i ever want to read

I need to stab myself
get my blood flowing
red warmth to promise me I'm still alife

I need to stab myself
open up my heart
tonight, madness is better than feeling nothing

I need to stab myself
to get the juice of life pass my own borders
My heart's a prison, I need to be free

I've built walls
Thousands
years of therapy won't break them down
I've muted my feelings
Along with hopes and dreams

I need to stab myself
just in need to feel something
even when it's only pain I'm letting in

self pity
should I let you in
self pity
perhaps today I deserve you
wasn't today hard enough?
can't I wallow in sadness
and beg my friends for attention?

self pity
for now I'll keep you on arm-lenght
because I want you
but I like you
a little too much

how could you say

******,

******, ******, ******,

******, ******,

******, ******, ******,

and still forget her name?

the black pain inside my bones keeps screaming
and i have nowehere left to hide

the consequence
of failing

of seeing your life
falling slowly apart

and i don't know why
the constant agony
the madness
the fear inside my longs

and i don't know why
i never asked
this question before

and i don't know how
i can stop asking

i don't know why
it's here at all

but what will happen if
i'll never get better?

Strong girl,
you're not half as messed up
as you think

Strong girl,
you're a work in progress
but you're working
so that's fine

Strong girl
you'll figure out your problems at some point
but today
all you need
is to smile

you'll know already that you apologise tomorrow
for the things you'll do tonight
for the thing you'll say
for the things you won't say
for the things you cannot do

you're so broken
so tired
so much pain is hiding
in the inside of your bones

listen to my soundless screaming
listen to my verbless words
did you ever
experience this much hurt before?

and you know you'll apologise tomorrow
but tonight you'll scream inside
maybe hard enough to forget the pain
for just one
freaking second

starend naar een grijze muur
behalve leegte, alleen maar leegte

starend naar de regen
niets natter dan mijn ogen

starend naar de lege fles
niemand ooit zo nuchter

starend naar de muur
zoveel leegte
zoveel hoop

it's hard to tell your story
life needs to make at least some sense
to be put into words
words are usually on my side
but in this case
my words are forests where my emotions can hide
in this case
silence
is my only sound

it's hard to open to a stranger
the words
the stories
things happened long ago
how do you tell them?
and what lights do you use

do you want to shine on your own role like
a victor
a victim
a bystander
what's my part of my life?

i answered the answer of why my life is falling apart
with silence
i have nothing to say
but silence masking my pain

I love you
I feel your pain, you're hurting
you're hurting
it hurts so much I might explode

I'm not with you
I can't break the distance between us
I can't inject happiness into your bloodstream
I can't even give you hope.

I'm with you
your tears are echoing on my face
We're both alone
and so so lonely

Please let me stay with you
so you can stay with me.

I was your
overly attached chatfriend

you were the guy to put Romance into friendships

I never knew you
another stranger I never met

But you kept me warm
for a few precious heartbeats

And once I told you how I felt

Perfect stranger
Overly attached chat
will we ever meet
again?

I'm hoping someone dies today
maybe a carcrash or a shooting
someone to simply stop his breath

I'm hoping someone dies today
Friends to open their mouths in disbelieve
by this unexpected news

I'm hoping someone dies today
Family members crying
as they carry him to his grave

I'm hoping someone dies today
I'd never wish that on anyone
but my heart is failing.... and I want to live myself

friend
my dearest
did you ever know
i was in love with you?

friend
my dearest
i never told you
about my desire

friend
my dearest
you never know
*** much i needed you

friend
my dearest
i'm very glad
we are just friends

If you were a flower
I'd press you in a book
dry you
save you in this moment

I could go back
forever
and you would still be
as perfect
as you are today

I could still smell you
enjoy your beauty
and be with you
just for now

If you were a flower, I'd save you and this moment forever
I could always pick up the book
start reading again
timetravel to the little time
you bloomed for me

but you're a snowflake
I can't hide you in a book about you
you'd melt within seconds
I will not be able to save you
I will never go back to knowing how it feels
to know you well

I don't even know you well
you're just a snowflake
and you will twirl in the wind
away

if i'd ever paint a lake
i'd paint it cold
i'd paint it frozen
without flowers, without sun

if i'd ever paint a lake
i'd think about
how cold you made me
how i'll never again feel hope

if i'll ever paint a lake
i'll paint you
and everything you've done

In reality
my dream prince didn't have a horse
couldn't even ride a bicycle
had no money for a car

His eyes weren't blue
or dreamy
But even browner
than his skin

And happily ever after
lasted only until
he kicked me out