I saw a stranger today
i once loved him
he tried to march back in my life like nothing happened
acting like i matter to him
but it's too late
he's a stranger
it's irreversable

there's a ball of pain in my heart reaching all the way to my stomache
3 bars of chocolate were not enough to shush it
and i bit my lip so hard i can now hold parts of it in my hand but
what do i cry about? I couldn't even say
there's no way i could explain this self-pitious nightmarish makebelief
with problems that would probably dissapear if mentioned out loud but
no one to mention them to that would even remotely care and i
have no idea how i could end the (probably self-inflicted) agony if not with words sharing feelings
but the only fact i really shouldn't could not have to face is
the idea that i could make it all just dissapear if i was not
too freaking afraid to say how i feel

I don't want to move on (anymore)
time is ticking
every second increasing the distance
but i can't let you fade away
just because we're over
(and no - I don't want you back)
doesn't mean you should be leaving
every second farther away
don't fade yet love! I need you
i don't have you, but I need your
memories

i'm a leaf
and my tree left me
some months ago
or: he set me free

there was
a lot of wind
so i'm taking my time
to reach to ground

i wake up
still falling
i go to sleep
still falling

i sit in a train
-falling-
and suddenly a song makes me cry
(tears falling)

i lie to friends
tell them i'm doing okay
i do not tell i'm actually skydiving
without a parachute

the wind, a twirl of emotions
plays with me
lifts me up just enough
so i can keep on falling

and i still haven't reached the ground

i'm still kind of alife

and everything i do is part of that movement called falling

will i ever reach the end?
yes!
and it will not be a crash
i will be catched
my fall is not unnoticed
my pain is not unseen

my Catcher
is watching me
knew i would fall before i knew there was a tree
and i can keep on falling
because i'll fall in His hand

everday you'll say it gets better
though it only gets worse
tomorrow is always a promise of live getting better
but when today arives, you still feel sad and num, and find yourself thinking it's no use.

feeling sad
and every day a little bit sadder but you don't know why
this was going to be the most perfect year yet
your body is aching and you feel betrayed
your soul's aching and i feel...
horriefied

but then everything turns num again
and i just stare in the distance and wish it was night, and nothing else but sleep was intresting
but today is day, and i know there are things that need attention
ignorance builds a bigger hell.

my favorite poems don't cheer me up any more
sad songs are made of just words
and not your ten degree room, but your soul feels cold
and i wish i had a place to be homesick to.

I'm floating
not more feelings
no more doubt

a country
just sounds and lights
no meaning
no pain

Let me stay in this world
of nothingness
where nothing is possible
but no one seems to mind

I'm floating
my own life seems far away
i'm leaving
Leaving me behind

Don't
stop me
Don't tell me emotions are supposed to be real
don't tell me pain is usefull

Let me float
away
from my own
life

I don't know
how much I mean to you
just that you didn't even bother
to answer that question

But I also know
I care enough about you
to want you to be
the happiest boy alife

our time together was short
and maybe not even real
and now you're gone

But you were my best friend
those few weeks we had together
you were a shoulder i could cry on

Our time together is fading
already just a memory
but always real to me

All was going to be all right
we were fighting all day but
that was over now
I walked you to work
and we both thought that would be a good new tradition
you even offered to buy me chocolate
but the idea of you buying something on the Lord's day was still a bit too much for me
walking back to your house was my first time in your city alone outside
my skirt swirling in the wind
I had promised to marry you and was trying so hard to make myself believe that was the right step
that wasn't fair but I didn't want to

lose you

I came home to find your door locked
the password of your laptop changed
your best friend randomly came by, and it felt like checking
if I obeyed all your rules

I don't want to write down this story
I want to keep believing
our love was good enough
until the end

So close to the end I made small talk with your roommate
I would convince you later that was okay
You shouldn't have been jealous
We ended up bonding
Sharing African music
talked about the books I read
his strange views on religion

It was the one evening
I didn't feel alone
It was the one evening
I could be myself

I thought I could live with you
in the country you hated
in the house that was falling apart
I thought I could fight your anger
Replace it with my love
If I just had one friend

With your roommate, i didn't have to force myself
to not see almost everything
I could finally be myself again
he wasn't forcing me to change me
I liked my own version better

I still don't know
why you left work
was it to check on me?
or should I believe the petty excuse I don't remember
but you were there
an angry monster
my lover gone
the hate had finally taken over
I wonder what you saw
what is this evening like from your perspective?
Were you just as scared when you started to shout to me?
Do you also still feel the grip of your strong hands around my wrist?
Did you sense then, how close we were to domestic violence?
Do you know, that whenever i remember that moment
I'm really scared of you?

I don't remember what you said
you were done
would take me to the airport
but that was it
I wouldn't leave
my return ticket was booked for months from now
after we were supposed to get married
Was I really that young last year?

You told me, that if I didn't leave
you would
that crazy scheme to leave the country illegally we fighted about so often
was still possible
you'd leave me alone in a country so strange to me
I couldn't even catch a bus

Instantly, I knew for sure
your roommate would keep me safe
and I was way to smart to be completely helpless
but I also knew it wouldn't be fair to ask
or to impose

around 4 am
your anger was cooling down
enough to tell me I could stay
but by then
we were waiting for the first bus to the airport
I was finally smart enough to not go back
I was smart enough to leave you

but three airports later
my head got all confused in the skies
My highest phone bill ever
hour long long distance calls
I couldn't leave you yet

You left yourself
your city and your country
fled (again) from your own life
became nothing but a not-working phone number
and an awful lot of unprocessed memories

sometimes you're here
as the ghost of what could have been
suddenly with me
i take my feet of the couch to make you room

we touch
may kiss
i hold you close to me for now
in this darkness, you seem real

ghost of what could have been
please, never visit me again
but also, never leave me
the real you is gone, so can your ghost atleast

stay?

after the fire she did not close her eyes for weeks
too afraid a sleeping moment would instantly **** her family
like it almost did last time
oh - only think what if she didn't wake up to puke because
she didn't eat bad sushi
or only what if, if she didn't have the audacity
to jump out the window while holding a baby

sleeping might be dead next time
who guarantees the flames are not just lingering in this new home
waiting around for the next peacefull moment
who guarantees sleeping is safe?

her eyelids keep blinking
eyes tearing like there's already smoke again
another cup of coffee should buy a few more minutes of being awake which means being safe for now

another few moments, another few minutes
blinking eyelids... have to.. kept open
fearful heart should... stay awake
safety.. family...
i know why... i shouldn't sleep

God is a coma patient
awareness His secret
no ability to communicate
with whatever outside His head

Imagination
is His only weapon against
centuries of nothing
that's how He became God


Imagine His boredom
lying in that bed all His life
wouldn't you als create 7 billion imaginary friends,
if you were smart enough to think them?

Imagine His brilliance
creating the universe
then somehow stepping inside
His own creation

Imagine
how great the real world must be
if one simple coma patient
can create Ours

I **** at living
imaginary weights pull me down
hold me prisoner
it's s hard to leave my own bed

I **** at leaving
it's like i'm standing at the station
watching trains go by
not knowing how to get in

I stuck at staying
my mind wanders of
creates enough distance to be
alone

It's really dark outside thise train
but there's a country
landscapes made by not God but humans
fresh water inside the former sea
where am I going?
what did I take along?
the darkness now surrounds me
not a single light outside this train

I'm always hoping to see it
small yet magnifient light
reaching my eyes from far away
filled with hopefull promises

I never know when it'll happen
I keep my eyes to the skies
hoping to see something green
A light with healing powers

It's allways a sign for me
Telling me you're close now
Reaching me from far away
And for a very little time

*we're together

Still, there are days
all the Andrea Gibson poems remind me of you
you were the one who made me love them
at first only because I loved you

I was never good enough for you
an everlasting dissapointment in the corners of your life
A needy friend, never offering you support herself
while we all knew your life was harder

I was jealous of everyone who read your blog
and of every personal message on twitter (I only joined twiiter because you asked me too)
And lousy friend or not, you were always on my mind
I begged the world on a daily base to treat you better

But had no idea how to do that myself
I was so young, back then, and you so filled with wisdom
you taught me how to be myself, even when you weren't you yet

Years later,
you're still the person I loved the most
and I'd still die for you if you'd ask me
but we haven't been in touch for years
and your life went in all kind of directions I  could never go

Years later,
I still love you
and a big part of me knows
I always will



You're still with me every now and then
walking trough my head to remind me
of all our hour long conversations
I'm still convinced I was a fool for hurting you
and it's still too bad you're out my life

Your picture, in my wallet
8 years ago, you look so innocent
so different from how I remember you
but so peaceful I want to ask you to protect you

I often dream of meeting you again
But it wouldn't happen - you live in Sweden now
and it wouldn't work - I am no where near awesome enough for you

You and I became ancient history
but I'll be always greatful
for that day in the zoo, where we met.

If your happiness
causes so much pain
Why would you even want
to be happy?

you

were an instand-seed
all it took was a little water
and then you bloomed

you tasted
like harp-music
you sounded
both purple and green

you
thoroughly romantic
talked about a girl - and the dream

i took a sip of you
in order to taste the purple and

green

i know why you tasted salt
it was my water -
it was my fault

you
the little seed
harptea
only bloomed once
only bleeded once

but now
it'll always be my fault

Elke keer
dat mijn hart beweegt
voel ik jouw liefde
want mijn hart is niet leeg

Elke hartslag
kom jij dichterbij
vergeet de afstand
tussen ons
te zijn

En als ik adem
zie ik je heel even staan
lang genoeg
om te weten
dat je nog steeds bij mij bent

I carry my heart around
like a balloon
filled with rocks
and somehow... the rubber ain't breaking

and my heavy heart may slow me down
but it doesn't stop me
because i'm going to where they sell helium
and then i'm going to fly

add a poem
share your story with the world
tell them your feelings
your sorrows
your hopes and your fears

add a poem
make it public
everyone can read how you feel

but one of these days
i'll have nothing
left to give

and there she is again
overdwelming,
roaring in my soul

i welcome her
as an old friend
someone once dearly loved

she knows our departions will never be forever
she moves in her place naturally,
as if we've never split

she takes my hand and leads me
to the darkest corners of my soul
she presents herself as light, although we both know

how deceiving
how perfect is your love, my love

it was not you that took me
it was me that gave myself away

i love you, my love
and yet i know you do not know that word

i know the word love is, for you as empty as my soul
is now to me

again you've taken everything
and you despite me for loving you for it

but it's so hard to keep my eyes dry
as you hurry away

and my now empty soul is screaming
for you to come back, and take some more

hold me
i know you're just as gay as i am
and i know we're both so capable of extreme passion

but first
i need you to tell me it's not sin
i need God to be okay with us

and then please
tell my mother how great you are
and tell my church to still like me

i need you to do all that within the next 60 seconds
and then hold me
and never let go

words can be hallow
empty
you can take the essence away
Not every word means what it means
Not every song is music
Not every church is devoted to God

Kiss the floorboards
hug the curtains
be happy about the neighbour sounds

Lay on the couch
or take a shower
make your own **** tea

Kiss the windows
hug your table
read all the books you own at once

Turn on candles
make your own rules

because

you're finally

home

Ik zou honderd jaar in je ogen kunnen kijken
maar nooit zou ik weten
wat er in je omgaat

Ik zou niet honderd jaar in je ogen kunnen kijken
ik zou zoveel oneerlijkheid nooit verdragen
ik was de deur uit voor je een woord kon zeggen

Als ik honderd jaar in je ogen zou kijken
zou ik dan weten
zou ik dan voelen

het waarom?
en zou ik schuld zien?

Ik zal eens honderd jaar in je ogen kijken
op onze lange reis hebben we hetzelfde doel

Maybe we are doing it wrong
every time we start talking
you ask me how i am
and i have to face that impossible choice
lie, and make you happy?
or use honesty to tell you how ****** up i am

'how are you?'
'well, i'm good.
I still cry myself to sleep but at least
i haven't be tempted to cut myself today.
I'm doing fine.
It's just the case my heart feels so heavy i fear my body may collaps.
And then an awkward smile, and us trying to get back to normal conversation.

Next time, we meet,
don't ask me.
Let me ask you instead.
'How am i?'
and you just tell me what you said today:
'you're okay.'
Because in a way, i am.
And if you repeat it to me every day,
i will start to believe that.

I love you
I feel your pain, you're hurting
you're hurting
it hurts so much I might explode

I'm not with you
I can't break the distance between us
I can't inject happiness into your bloodstream
I can't even give you hope.

I'm with you
your tears are echoing on my face
We're both alone
and so so lonely

Please let me stay with you
so you can stay with me.

The yellow streetlight
the skinny girl, fear in her eyes
the man who holds her,
the grip on her wrist

the silent sigh
the unsaid words
and then: a whisper
'i just tried to be myself...'

i don't know
where i am

i know where i'm supposed to be
i know what i'm supposed to do

i should be
in an airplane
having said goodbye to you in tears
going home but already
counting days until we meet

again

but i'm home already
took an early flight
there were no tears
at the airplane
there were tears
when i was alone

but there's no
date we will meet again

i don't know where you are
your roommate said you
moved along
but did you take me with you?

If feel so lonely
the last time we didn't talk for 7 weeks
was before you learned
how to even talk

There's too many stories
I didn't tell you
Too many problems
I couldn't share

I made life changing decisions
without discussing them with you
So much is happening
but you have no idea

There's a wall between us
you told others to tell me
I shouldn't call anymore
I don't know
if that caused more anger
or pain

I can't reach you
I'm waiting for you
to give some signal
I cry every time
I miss our conversations

I can't break this wall
is it my stubbornness
or yours
telephones
versus what'sapp

If I could reach you
could I overcome my stubbornness
And tell you
how much I care

And if you
would try
to reach me
would I
pick up my phone?

if i were a poet
what would i write about

you?

if i were a poet
what would i possibly say?

would i talk about your

eyes?
your hair?
the way you use your words?

i wouldn't
all i would say was
the way you made me feel

but i ain't a poet
can't put this into words
but i feel great.

I haven't been able to sleep since the day i met you
that could have been a real problem
if only i met you

if only i could have stared into your eyes
without two webcams between us
or if i knew
how i felt
when our hands would accidentely touch

if only
i meet you
i'm sure i could sleep again

we're so far away
you're just a speck of light
the distance is so big
but I found you

I didn't even know
I should search for you
but I looked in a telescope
and there you were

So far away
but sparkling
ready to brighten up my day
any day

You're my secret
too far away to talk about
but you're the strongest light
inside my universe

A ball of love
around my sun
You orbit my heart
where ever you go

If you were here
I'd tell you about the candle I made
how it changes colours on the inside.
I'd tell you about the idea I have for a present to my brother
and ask you if my plan isn't too much.

If you were here
I'd tell you that I have to call somewhere to change an apointement
You know how nervous I get around phones
You'd tell me to just do it
and it would be alright

If you were here I'd tell you about left and right brain hemispheres
because I heard a podcast about that today, and I like sounding smart to you.
I've also been thinking lately
about the relation between trust and facts, and what implications they have.

If you were here I'd tell you that I dreamed about green beans
so now I'm going to eat green beans, even though I hate them.
I also dreamed about my grandmother.
My sister said she's moving, if that's true she will be closer to me.

If you were here
I would tell you how worried I am
because there was an earthquake, and now my best friend won't come online
you're the person I'd share that with.

But I guess
I wouldn't say any of that, if you were here now.

Not before I'd hug you, very very tight.

Always hiding
always a next truth
you don't want to face

Always running
Responsibilities can't catch you
If you leave them far enough behind

Did you create yet
the perfect dream
-world?
And are you happy?
Is Ignorance bliss?

i'll walk away now
leave you behind
if you give it time
i'll just be one of your stories

i'll walk away now
no longer part
of the life we were living
it's all yours now

i'm walking
look at me
as i'm fading
from your view

as i say this by myself
i know i mean it
but it's not just the appeciation of myself
i say it as a promise
there's more in my heart than love for people i know
and lingering feelings for those of the past
i say 'I love you' as a promise
an expectation of future love
i can feel my broken heart healing inside me
it's opening again
ready for new people
getting ready to let them in
my heart is beating on the capability of love
and someone will come around
to let me make him happy

I'm hoping someone dies today
maybe a carcrash or a shooting
someone to simply stop his breath

I'm hoping someone dies today
Friends to open their mouths in disbelieve
by this unexpected news

I'm hoping someone dies today
Family members crying
as they carry him to his grave

I'm hoping someone dies today
I'd never wish that on anyone
but my heart is failing.... and I want to live myself

i stole your story
wrote poems about your heartbreak like it was mine
but somewhere in my self-afflicted agony
i forgot to ask how you are doing now

It's so hard
to keep on going
when life seems to laugh
or punches you in the face
Shoulders pulled down
by invisible, but real, weights
Sleep interrupted by
the nightmares of the awake

But I think
it's still okay
to be here
how hard going may be
I haven't left yet
Facing storm, after storm
always so tired
I can barely make it another day

But Life
is still appealing
I'm not going to leave
any time soon

you're just lying there
a dead limb
not moving
not even sure you're still alive

where ever I go
I carry you with me
it's such a struggle
you're hard to move

You're just lying there
buried under a blanket
But I know you're just hoping
for a day without pain

If you need someone
to help you fix your closet
I'll be here
anytime

I'll put a matrass inside it
bring you food if you let me
I'd do anything
to help you hide who you are

Maybe I like this
like one of those habits we all have
we know we should quit
I go down
into my own soul
walk trough
the darkest corners
bathe myself
in pain from long
and short ago
I dance
with thoughts of dead
feelings of rejection
I keep an inner knife around
just to open up my own gut

But there's just one door
I'd never open again

I do not speak much

well, okay I do, but I also don't
I can tell you about the weather
engage you with a story

but this

is me trying to say something real
this is me screaming inside my years of silence
realising I need the world to know I'm here
if I want it to change for me
if I want it to change me

this is me screaming
inside my silence
trying to break it
I just need real words

I build myself an island
and now i live on it
staring at the ocean
allways mistaking normal waves for storm

i remember my way back to light and warmth
it's not too hard to get there
but as long as i'm afraid of being honest
there's just no point in going back

long nights
short stories
dreams don't last long
hours, slowely passing
just a room, a bed, and me
lying still, but also lost
not going to admit how scared I am
not going to admit I'm still lonely
not going to sleep until I do
Some vivid dreams followed
by more hours of being awake
then daytime
which is even worse
than trying to fall asleep

the poems
I inspire
are much better than
the poems
I write
Thank goodness

I welcome you
other half of me
best friend
Why did I
Leave you again?

Your lingering presence
always convincing me
to come with you
you build me a place
out of dark clouds

my dark mirror
why do I love you so much?
It's never hard to forget why
I should be fighting you
and you always
let me straight back in

Never far away
Right under my breath
My evil part
never leaves me
no matter how hard
I may sometimes fight

You
my darkest nightmare
and best friend
half my personality
and me
giving you control again

i remember
the last day i was still whole
not knowing
the terrible facts of life

i remember
picking daisies , smiling happy
and i didn't know
the curse on my own family

i remember
that evil day in june
and words changed everything that ever mattered
and words slowly made me strong