I always know
I'll have to pay
so it's stupid
to come close
to you

but your melodies
always linger
my head keeps your music inside
And I just have to
go back to you
go back for more

I know your poison
you'll turn my head upside down
You'll make me weak, so weak
I won't know how to leave my bed
But despite all the pain you're causing
I'll be always
coming back for more

The moment
one bullet
entered your back

a thousand
bullets
crushed my heart

some day i will teach you dutch
and i will tell you everything
that ever was important to me
in my own language

but not today

some day i will teach you how to ride a bicycle
i will take you to all my favorite places
and i hope that you will
enjoy the wind as much as i do

but not today

some day you will take me to your country
you will show me your culture
and i will taste
your mum's best coffee

but not today

We spend our times just dreaming
dreaming, but being apart
and all the great things
stay in the future

we can't do them today

some day i will take you to the kitchen
and teach you how
to make the best chocolatecake ever
Let's do it today!

This is my monster
my biggest weakness
my achilles heel
my fatigue

it's a tiger
inside me
always awake
I always have to be careful
walk on tip toes around it

this is my monster
it keeps me captive on the couch
it blames me
whenever I did something
I blame me
whenever I didn't do something

we're always fighting
I'm tired
of always battling my fatigue

They all want sunshine
long summers on the beach
and think we're crazy
because we're longing for rain

But you and I
would take a walk in the rain
untill our skins are soaking
and we're one in with the storm

You and I
don't care about the cold
want the wind to touch us
blow our souls away

You and I
would walk through any storm
and when we hear the sound of thunder
we will feel so so warm

For those who are sad
for whatever reason
There is a God
who will wipe your tears

For those who need
justice
which this earth will not provide:
God will give it

And for the hungry:
God will provide
food
each day

For those who miss
someone who loved them
and now have to face this world alone:
God is with you

Don't be afraid for lonelyness
Because if you know the Lord
you will never be alone

There once was a field,
filled with flowers
and a little girl

Little girls are the only onces
interested in daisies
they turn them into jewelry
trying to share their beauty with the world

Little girls grow up
Forget about the beauty they once held
They were only unimportant
daisies

It was me in that field
Nobody considered me worth a second look
the little girls trying to **** me
at least knew I was there

apperently time didn't stop
it's winter soon
but not the winter we thought it would be
single instead of married
i think we're better of this way
you know, lovers are lyers
love likes to be blind
we didn't belong together
but we forgot to look for the things we didn't want to see
you tried to control me
was always angry
i tried to manipulate you
anything to not loose you
i'm thankful for the crazy way you broke up with me
at least now it is over
you'll never tell me again what not to do
i'll no longer believe anything you say
hé, whatever you say, i don't even hear it
i couldn't even reach you if i wanted to
i guess that's good
i'm starting to like being single again
every future is possible
everything but you!

my heart is aching
it beats your name
it's asking me to
talk about you
but I have nothing left to say

my heart is aching
it's been months since it saw you
it's hard to keep on going
hard to stay alife

my heart is aching
it wants your touch
your voice
your hope

my heart is aching
I need your love

I'm good at math
Whenever my mind gets bored
i practise multiplications
give myself math problems
I always solve them
correct

I tend to remember numbers
1,618033989 has been stuck in my head for years
And i once solve a rubik's cube
in 8.92 seconds

but no matter how good i may be with numbers
my heart is only in love
with words

3 days of silence
of hoping
fearing
what's going on?

Your name
is so big in my mind
your silence
has never been this long

All I know
is what you told me
the promise I now hope
you didn't keep

All I know is
they will not tell me
if my fears are true

Silence
will be my last answer

if i were a poet
what would i write about

you?

if i were a poet
what would i possibly say?

would i talk about your

eyes?
your hair?
the way you use your words?

i wouldn't
all i would say was
the way you made me feel

but i ain't a poet
can't put this into words
but i feel great.

I was diagnosed with depression today
apperently doctors lie too
and it's not too hard to make them do that

I was diagnosed with depression today
allready i'm reshaping those words
turning them into something i will not believe, but use

I was diagnosed with depression today
So now, everything is not my fault
I hold my diagnose up like a shield
now find someone else, to blame

Sanity is gone, as well as the light
and all we have now, is a room full of phantoms
and a soul that won't stop
screaming

I'm a raving lunatic
writing words like they're the opposite
of what I need:
salvation

i wish we had a song we shared together
so i could listen it over and over again
and then delete it

but all of my musics sounds like you
we shared our lifes together

from now on every time i'll hear a song
it will be ours
and i'll miss you
like hell

Share with me
he said from his computerscreen far away
share with me
anything and everything
you could possible share

you see, I like you
we just met minutes ago
but somehow I convinced myself you're special
so share with me
everything you can

Walk down the stairs
keep walking
walking
walking
lower and lower
inside a well

No rest
for days on end just walking
downstairs, a step at the time
As long as numbness
still reigns your body
you're not low enough
to feel

Maybe gravity will crush you one day
or maybe
you'll even start crying

years ago,
we build a time capsule together
and said: this is the defenition of pain
for today, and for eternity

and floated apart we kept protecting our dig side
however much i do not want see you again
no way no, you will not dig up that pain
i would rather die than let you feel it again

but tonight i dug it up
and you were not there to stop me
probaly living in Sweden with your new love
like, the seventh since me?
why would you care about me digging up an old box?

Do you remember Pandora?
our pain has allways been like it
i opened it this evening
and forsake intire worlds

there are 24 hours in a day
no, that's not true
not since i know you

there are some hours in which i sleep
but while awake
there's only one hour
that counts as real

'cause i'm always waiting
from the moment i wake up
until the moment, it's almost time to sleep again
this hour finally appears

and in this hour
i'm begging time to stop
i want to stretch this one hour
until my whole life fits

but it's only 60 lousy minutes
60 wonderful, extacing minutes
and they're going really really fast

And when they're past
i'm left here, waiting
waiting for another day
which has the same short combined moments of time
in which my love
is finally online

Jesus performed a miracle today
said the alcoholist
explaining why drinking wine during a lecture

But the miracle wasn't that
the miracle is
us all
being alive

Maybe I like this
like one of those habits we all have
we know we should quit
I go down
into my own soul
walk trough
the darkest corners
bathe myself
in pain from long
and short ago
I dance
with thoughts of dead
feelings of rejection
I keep an inner knife around
just to open up my own gut

But there's just one door
I'd never open again

It's so funny
how I always run from you
trying to convince myself I'm better off
trying to believe I could be
happy

It's so funny
how hard it is to convince myself
I'm not ******* depressed
How do I keep telling myself I have reasons to
live?

It's so funny
how hard I work to leave you behind
How hard I try to believe you're history
And try to forget I'm running from my own
shadow

You never saw daylight
I kept you inside
safe
not for you

but for me
and the village and everything near me
and everything dear to me
and everything else

you never saw daylight
locked up in deep cellars
chained and held quiet
misunderstood

You never saw daylight
because if you would
you would fly over the world
spitting fire, wrecking everything

you'd be roaring and roaring
hurting and destroying
I don't trust your self-control
so I hide you inside

You're not a dragon
or a villain
you're much more dangerous
you're my own heart

I saw a stranger today
i once loved him
he tried to march back in my life like nothing happened
acting like i matter to him
but it's too late
he's a stranger
it's irreversable

I haven't been able to sleep since the day i met you
that could have been a real problem
if only i met you

if only i could have stared into your eyes
without two webcams between us
or if i knew
how i felt
when our hands would accidentely touch

if only
i meet you
i'm sure i could sleep again

It's me
I came for a visit
hope that's okay

No, I know
you don't recognise me
A strange lady
I bet you don't even like

But you and I
we have a lot in common
I'm you
but it's twenty years later

And it's time
it's finally time
I want to ask you
how you feel

How are you coping
with school and at home
I know you have friends
but why do you feel
so lonely?

And what can I do to help?

It's been years
since I saw you
I try to focus on my future
I don't like to think too much about you

But you're still here
you're with me
affecting my choiches
affecting my mood

I know you are lonely
so let me be your friend now
we'll deal with our presents
and we'll never be alone

I pride myself into being honest
never tell lies - on the outside -
I never tell lies outisde the wall I guard myself with
Outside this wall, I'm the most honest person you'll ever meet

Inside this wall is something
That's doesn't need protection
this wall is imprisonment
This wall is hiding away a terrible monster

And every brick of the wall
protecting my secrets
is another ******* lie

I once believed in a fata morgana
it had your name

I once believed i would marry you
and flew to your country

I once believed if i didn't unpack
time would stop and save me

I wonder if you still have the letter you wrote me
the second of the two

if not, it's all
history

say my name
no
say your name
your name sounds better
like music

say it slowly
i want to taste both syllables
i want to hear the word
'lov'

Do you ever think that maybe
I am just a product of your fantasy?

Your imagination
Creating someone
almost perfect

almost close enough to touch you
almost sweet enough to kiss.

Do you ever imagine
that i am not real
but only product of your imagination?

And i envy your mind
being able to create me
and still having the patience
of only almost to meet

i like you for being
you
for being someone that's not me
for being somebody totally different

you say things i'd never say
you'd do things i'll never do
you'll dream things i've never dreamed of

i could never have imagined you
i could never make someone like you in my mind
your actions can surprise me
your words may intrigue me
your mind will amaze me
the totallity of you overawes me

I can never be you
unless i change the perspective
and make you look at me
i can be your you
just as much as you are mine

let's form a unity
and be you, and me
together

i tend to believe what i dream
while knowing it's irrational
when i'm awake again
i stare wide opened eyes into life
waiting for a sign that proves the stories of the night
right - or wrong
depending what i saw last night
i beg the world to make it true, or prove it all a lie

I need to know my love is real
you are not a simulation
not a frigment of imagination
you're just a boy that loves me
but i tend to not believe that

for 23 years i dreamed about you
i dreamed about a future where i would be together
with a dreamy guy that worships me
of course i don't believe this to be real

you know how many worlds my mind created while i was sleeping
there're several each night
and i am brilliant enough to make most of them wonderful
but never as wonderful as reality which you

and that's why i need you to tell me
to touch me - to kiss me
use every way possible to tell me you are real
because i know - i'm smart enough to have created you
and i don't want you to be
just another dream

I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping are you dreaming, if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe
you actually dumped me

I'm still calling you to see
to see what?
i don't know
but i keep calling
hoping for your voice

and maybe
next time you'll answer
tell me it's allright
and you will love me
forever
like you promised you would*

You stopped calling me to see
if i'm okay, when you're not around
Let me ask you if you love me
because i love the way you make it sound

I left my suitcase
unpacked for months
maybe i thought i could still fly back
you should be waiting for me somewhere

The world has lost it's way
it's so hard sometimes
I was in love with you
and you took that away

You should let me call you
tell me if you're okay when i'm not around
Asking if you love me
did i try to hard
to make you smile?

I keep looking for people to pray to
Someone around whenever i need help
Someone to help me trough the tough days
the tough days, when i cannot carry my own shoulders
and can't even face the weight on them

I keep searching for people that have inner lights
bright enough to sunlight my dark days
with a love so strong i could cling to
and a consience clean enough to be praised

But i haven't found a person yet i could turn into my god
i keep looking in all the wrong places
shouldn't there be someone around strong enough
to help me trough my life?

I keep looking at all the wrong places
people aren't God, and have no sacret power
if i ask them to pull me up, they'll allways let me down
so i should move around my horizon,
and finally ask the only Person strong enough
to change my life forever

there are nails somewhere deep inside my skull
making my head bleed will stop me from screaming
which shouldn't make sense but it doesn't
it's 3 am, you shouldn't be
anything but sleeping unless you are dead but
biting the blanket will keep me from screaming another
few seconds, the blankets that cannot even
stop me from shivering, no one will know
i keep long nails for nights like forever
feels so long ago
nails make me bleeding 'cause
pain is better than pain
and tears will flow anyway

I can't leave you
not even for a short while
you're always with me
very present in body and mind

I can't sleep because of you
all night long
you keep telling me
how much much pain you're in

I have to take you with me
but you're not giving any support
it's hard to take us
anywhere

I'll always stay with you
you've been such a big part of me
And for as long as you're in pain
we'll both work on

getting better

our time together was short
and maybe not even real
and now you're gone

But you were my best friend
those few weeks we had together
you were a shoulder i could cry on

Our time together is fading
already just a memory
but always real to me

You were there on my worst moment
probably the only one ever
to hear me scream being adult
To see me lose control
so hard
I broke every one of Gods laws

you heard me scream
you saw me cry
my trying to maintain some
dignity
was a farce and we both know it

My screams must have left an echo
because you keep proving
I'm still inside your head

I'm not allowed to call my own brother a boy
got angry looks all over the christmas dinner
'you shouldn't encurage her' my mom said
'she's just crazy' said my father

and i'm not allowed to call him by his 'boys name'
they won't give him the phone to him until i say 'Tamara'
just say they don't know anyone that goes by his name
and claim they just raised daughters

He has to live with them
every day the same battle
i can't even imagine how hard it must be
to have to fight to be your own gender

my parents may never accept this, but
i have a little brother
and he's awesome
because he dares to be

Himself

They left their dishes around like something that could slap me
'just look Corina, this was our weekend
just smell the plates, imagine how much we enjoyed it
imagine all the fun we created
by not inviting you'

It's really dark outside thise train
but there's a country
landscapes made by not God but humans
fresh water inside the former sea
where am I going?
what did I take along?
the darkness now surrounds me
not a single light outside this train

Pain
is always
the worst
pain ever
right now

reality is
always
stronger than the past

I always keep my nails long
long enough to don't need a knife
my skin is allways new and fresh
and not too far away from bleeding

I always write my dreams down
unless i have my nightmares
images i want to forget don't need words
they're burned on my mind forever

Sometimes when i chat
i do so, to not sell my soul
write words that make me likeable
pretend i am someone i wouldn't want to be

The things that never happened
are defining who i am
and even if i'd try to write them down they'd be boring
i wouldn't stay in your mind for a second
my story should remain untold

I keep ending things too early
like conversations
and friendships

I don't know what to say
and don't want to admit i am scared, so
Why not just leave it

Close the door behind me
take a long walk instead

But why is it só hard
To admit I want to go back?

I look around
and i see you
but i'm not even
trying to connect

i have lost someone
did you too?
or didn't you have someone to loose to begin with?

i see your face, or your status
i wonder what is going on
but do i dare to ask you?

and if you try to
tell me your sorrows
would i listen?
would i dose of in my mind?

lonely people
i see you, but i don't
i hear your story like i hear background music
i cannot change your lonelyness

you see, i have lost someone
maybe you have too
but if i don't let you in
i will not lose you too

I welcome you
other half of me
best friend
Why did I
Leave you again?

Your lingering presence
always convincing me
to come with you
you build me a place
out of dark clouds

my dark mirror
why do I love you so much?
It's never hard to forget why
I should be fighting you
and you always
let me straight back in

Never far away
Right under my breath
My evil part
never leaves me
no matter how hard
I may sometimes fight

You
my darkest nightmare
and best friend
half my personality
and me
giving you control again

I don't know
how much I mean to you
just that you didn't even bother
to answer that question

But I also know
I care enough about you
to want you to be
the happiest boy alife

the only flowers you ever gave me
were plastic
but i still smell them
they smell of plastic, candlewax, and maybe even a little of you

if you had given me flowers
the real kind
would i have sprayed them with something, or dried them?
i would
i would have tried to save them, just like i tried to save our love

it would have been fairer if the flowers you gave me were real
cause maybe i would have seen them die, slowely
despite my efforts
maybe it would have prepared me for the death of our love
maybe i would have realised, before it happened

and maybe, i wouldn't be staring at plastic flowers now

Echo's
is all there is left
we're fading
a small place in history
we're now
only
a memory
but I keep hearing
echo's
of the days
we were in love

it's not your room anymore
people took it over
changed everthing except walls and floor
but I swear I can still smell you
here
the clock is still a few minutes ahead
you once told me it was running too fast
and you often had to take a few minutes back
I wonder who took over that task
here
your desk is gone
as well as your tea collection and books
no plants and not even languïstic decorations
now it's just neutral territory
here
But you're still here!
your photo on the wall supports my memory
(that wasn't there when you still lived)
and from this day on
your name is on the door