I know
my pain is real
when hours pass
and i get silent
then i finally hear
my heart
gasping for air

I know
when art is good
my heart whispers
lines of beauty
between breathing

I know beauty
when my heart
stops beating
until i take in what i watch or hear

and i know
suffering
doesn't seem to make sense
and i would do less of that
with a smaller heart
but my heart just won't stop growing

My heart allways says
and allways screams
and often cries
until i give it the pain
mine and yours
and even the pain of the people on the news
and sometimes even pain from fiction

And my heart gets heavy
so heavy i think
it can't beat anymore
my limps ain't strong enough
to carry around all this pain inside me
my muscles are screaming to close off my heart
stop entering pain because we just
can't take it anymore
But my heart keeps adding
my heart keeps going on
'you think this is pain?
just wait for the day you get cancer
or your mother dies.
Or nature finally finds it's way to your city
and show you what real pain is all about'

every time i feel like collapsing
(i may even consider to leave life
and search for a world without pain)
my heart beats
that single knock, really saying
'I am the one carrying oxygen
and life
to every vein and ever muscle
if you think you are alife,
that's just because I turn your pain into something else
every time you hear me beat
you feel me shaking inside you
that's the sound of me fighting your pain
I chop of it's head
create life, by turning it into something else
I TURN YOUR PAIN INTO LOVE

And yes, my heart get's heavy
i look at it
and lose all hope
i am just one person
how did i collect so much pain
and how can i bear this kind of suffering?

'don't look at the pain'
my heart says
'look not at what I take in
look at what I let out
look at every day I make you get out of your bed
look at the words I make you say
turning a smile on someone's face
look at all the small acts of kindness you will do
making life a little better'
my heart says 'it's all small steps
but every time I beat, I make this world better
every time I beat, I create a little love'

'and this is all just baby steps
I am still growing up
practising
I'm learning of what I am capable
I'm preparing myself
and when I'm done
I'll show you so much love
that you'll forget
what pain even looks like
don't even ask me why you're here, because
I am beating
until I have given

All my love'

Never fall in love with a cloud

I saw you in the skies,
and i started loving you

However short i had seen you, i thought you were going to rain
And all i had to do was go outside, and let you soak me

I could imagine us going on dates, and hitting it off, and one day getting married

You'd be all around me, and i inside you
Time would stand still, and we would be together for a short forever

but you're a cloud
you just floated away

and now you're gone

I've seen other clouds
but they didn't seem right
even weeks later, i'm still hoping for your rain

a leaf on it's way to the ground
is not searching for the meaning of life
it's just... falling
letting go it's one attachement

it's colours are not to amaze you
just a random biological process
stop looking for a reason
and just watch it blow in the wind

The only reason
your face stays dry
is: pillows can not cry.

When I was 12
I learned a hard lesson
killing oneself
doesn't just take a plan
it takes a lot of self-dicipline
to take that last step
to walk all the way
of the path that one started
to give oneself the final push

And when I was 12
or 25
I just wasn't good at
pulling trough

This day
will be a tough one
the list of responsibilities and tasks already formed
but even getting up sounds hard

my bed wants to hold me tight
my body wants more rest
my mind is trying to make excuses
I shouldn't do anything today

They're threatening to win
I'm still in bed at 1 pm
but no, I will get up
take a shower to prepare

to be today's most awesome
version of myself

I know the rules
i've played before
pawn to D4
let's do it

it goes fine for a while
but then i blink
and lose a bisshop
my horse walks right into a trap

i can't figure out
how i get here
but my whole life
looks like a mess
i've lost logic
did i have a plan at some point?

king hiding in the last save corner
queen fleeing for a pawn
i can't figure out
what my next move is
how do i deal with all this chaos in my life?

you keep talking word after word
and all i do is want to mute you
but instead i tell myself to
show consideration
let you know i care
and not let out the screaming
that tries to drawn out your sounds

this is your story
and you have the right to be heared
it's good you share your pain

but i can't share mine
i can't let you know i'm screaming
my secrets are not mine to tell
i guard an untold horror
so i have to sympathise
and comfort you
without telling that i really know
what it is you say

I want to love you like
you
loves cigarettes

Whatever they give you
you mix it with the air
you're sending down to your longs
you must at least suspect they're poisonous
that doesn't seem to matter
they're going right into
your mouth

and that
is how much
I want to love
you

long nights
short stories
dreams don't last long
hours, slowely passing
just a room, a bed, and me
lying still, but also lost
not going to admit how scared I am
not going to admit I'm still lonely
not going to sleep until I do
Some vivid dreams followed
by more hours of being awake
then daytime
which is even worse
than trying to fall asleep

it's okay to never listen to music because i'm oversensitive to sounds
i still have words. They can form stories or poetry
create worlds inside my head and
form orchestra's with sounds so bright i will never need my ears to hear them
just my sensitive heart

i'll go trough the world smiling in silence
while listening to the echo's of music that are still inside me after all these years
i'm never alone, and even when i have to stay quiet
my heart usually sings

A part of me is still on that floor
lingering
where my body was
laying
I get cold when I think of the agony

A part of me is still over there
near my pc
desperately crawling
minutes going faster than meters
I couldn't stop myself from screaming

6 months later
injuries still healing
but a part of me
stayed down there
never got up

My phone was just too far

the moon
is new
still empty

open
for every
possibility

i stand still
to look at my life
and the ways that let me
here

the moon
will be filled
with memories
thoughts and words
stories

my life
will go
a way i can't forsee
but i'm going
anyway

the moon
will shine
at it's brightest
at the middle
of it's cycle
and everything
will look
so nice

i will
figure myself out
and have a bright day
at some point

the moon will grow older
ripe like a cheese
filled
with memories
instead of possibilities

i may
look back at this
at some point
and wish
i made a different
decision

the moon will die
when it's time comes
not go out with a bang
but fade into nothingness

the moon
is a kite
and i'm the one
to fly it

after the moon dies
a new moon
comes along
to start
over

Do not open your eyes
convince yourself it's night
just stay in bed
don't think too much
keep the world at distance
you can't be blamed for being asleep

If you need someone
to help you fix your closet
I'll be here
anytime

I'll put a matrass inside it
bring you food if you let me
I'd do anything
to help you hide who you are

Maybe we are doing it wrong
every time we start talking
you ask me how i am
and i have to face that impossible choice
lie, and make you happy?
or use honesty to tell you how ****** up i am

'how are you?'
'well, i'm good.
I still cry myself to sleep but at least
i haven't be tempted to cut myself today.
I'm doing fine.
It's just the case my heart feels so heavy i fear my body may collaps.
And then an awkward smile, and us trying to get back to normal conversation.

Next time, we meet,
don't ask me.
Let me ask you instead.
'How am i?'
and you just tell me what you said today:
'you're okay.'
Because in a way, i am.
And if you repeat it to me every day,
i will start to believe that.

there's this small
evil part of me

hoping you will get a boyfriend
for you to be happy
make plans to get married

and then it all to fall apart

so i could visit you
and say
'i would have bought you
Ben and Jerry's
but you just don't seem

Sad enough'

Now matter how much darkness takes over my heart
and no matter how depressed or lonely i may get
a little light keeps burning
the little light of everlasting joy

Even if i may not feel it
even when i'm lost in mazes filled with pain
sooner or later, i'll see it's glow
and know it's still there

and no matter how many tears i pour over it
it never died so far
and sometimes i try to bury it under my problems
but it burns right trough them

sometimes the light gets weak, and my heart grows cold
but there's allways enough to remind me
of the fires that will burn some day

i don't know
where i am

i know where i'm supposed to be
i know what i'm supposed to do

i should be
in an airplane
having said goodbye to you in tears
going home but already
counting days until we meet

again

but i'm home already
took an early flight
there were no tears
at the airplane
there were tears
when i was alone

but there's no
date we will meet again

i don't know where you are
your roommate said you
moved along
but did you take me with you?

It's so hard
to keep on going
when life seems to laugh
or punches you in the face
Shoulders pulled down
by invisible, but real, weights
Sleep interrupted by
the nightmares of the awake

But I think
it's still okay
to be here
how hard going may be
I haven't left yet
Facing storm, after storm
always so tired
I can barely make it another day

But Life
is still appealing
I'm not going to leave
any time soon

God
became human
allmighty
helpless baby

and i will never
write a poem
or find the right words
to thank Him enough

I must be delussional
people keep telling me the love of my life isn't real
and yet I talk to you
like every detail of my being
belongs to you

I must be insane
they tell me you've killed millions of innocents
and doomed even more
but I start smiling
whenever I think of you

They fill my head with arguments
reasons you couldn't be real
But my heart tells me
You're the one keeping it beating
You're the reason I'm alife

I must be delussional
believing a fairy tale?
But I wouldn't know
what to do
without
You

the old man
looks tired
of balancing
the stones
on his shoulders

the old man
would like to
sit down
and rest a bit

that he can't do
what would be easy with a big rock
is impossible,
if you carry pebbles

let me pull you
close
to me

I'll make you a space
in my single-person bed
my chest could be your pillow

come here
come closer
let me just...
hold you

forever
or until
we sleep

The young man in my living room
is angry, raging
it takes all his self-control to not storm out forever
I wonder if he'd hurt me, and it would be justified

This is my son
the pain on his face is mine
I'm the main reason his heart has been bleeding for years
I'm the main reason for all this hate inside him

This is my son
I'd do anything to make him happy
and somehow that led to the opposite

I'm proud of him
for the way he deals with his anger
and confronts me with all that I did

And I wish
I could get down on my knees
beg him to forgive me
and let him love me again

but I can't

I just have too much to lose

sunday morning
finally some time of
and even the king
gets to slack of on the internet

I don't want to move on (anymore)
time is ticking
every second increasing the distance
but i can't let you fade away
just because we're over
(and no - I don't want you back)
doesn't mean you should be leaving
every second farther away
don't fade yet love! I need you
i don't have you, but I need your
memories

I want a moment
a few minutes of your time
I'm not asking - I'm demanding
you'll have to listen to my gun
perhaps I'm crazy
psychotic - insane
but I'm sincere
you have to listen
I need to tell you you're in danger
you'll be protected by my gun

I'm here
because i want to be
this life, full of pain
i choose it every day

i welcome the bad days
they'll make hope for the good ones
and appreciate them
i welcome
the pain part of life

i'm not supposed to live forever
and i can't wait, until it's time to leave
but life taught me patience
so for now, i'll just live

take another breath
it's poison
and you know it
but every day
you let it win
cause long-term doesn't matter
if right now it's happiness
let it in

everything needs
to end
everything should stop
some day

but you didn't think
it would be this day
and you didn't think
it would be your life
ending
it always felt you
would live forever

but what if you were wrong all along?
this could be
your last day

what would you do next?

who would have known
a broken heart
was this hard
to carry?

who would have known
memories
could be this
heavy

who would have known
a heart
could be
screaming

who would have known
you
would let me
go?

I **** at living
imaginary weights pull me down
hold me prisoner
it's s hard to leave my own bed

I **** at leaving
it's like i'm standing at the station
watching trains go by
not knowing how to get in

I stuck at staying
my mind wanders of
creates enough distance to be
alone

words can be hallow
empty
you can take the essence away
Not every word means what it means
Not every song is music
Not every church is devoted to God

the poems
I inspire
are much better than
the poems
I write
Thank goodness

Love is but a dream
no, not all love, i'm no cynic
but our love

As a dream it's fading away
leaving memories that get more and more confusing
When it's over, you cannot see it clear

Like a dream it seems to have fit between the blink of an eye
though at the time, it was forever

as in a dream, it was perfect
you were perfect, i was just good at
overlooking errors until dawn

love is but a dream
and i beg the universe
if i can go back to sleep again
scream at my pillow to drown out reality
cause i don't want to be
awake
ever again

I once told you if we would ever break up,
i would cry for at least 2 years

well, i don't know about that
but after 2,5 months, my tea still tastes salt
and my pillow is wet

but i know now
it's not about the crying
it's the bleeding
the bleeding inside

you should have just
broken my heart
left me dying
it would have been over by now

but you took a gap out of it
left it bleeding
left me screaming inside

do bleeding hearts dry?
will you one day be a forgotten scar?
and can you become
just another memory?

If your happiness
causes so much pain
Why would you even want
to be happy?

Romance
without love
awesome?
or tragic
confusing
or just
another way of doing things?

words

just empty
crazy words

are coming from your mouth
they're filling up the room

words

they're only stupid words

not telling anyone
how you really feel

I want to run away
this is good for me
I want to hide somewhere
But it's good for me
I want to cancel the appointment
lie and say I'm sick
But I won't
because it's good for me

The sound of rain wakes me up in the middle of the night
it makes me want to open my window
and i don't even care my bed gets soaking wet

It's still raining when i wake up in the morning
I've never been this cold, but i also feel refreshed
It feels like the rain has gone inside me

I ditch the bus, and decide to walk today
The water is still pouring
There's no dry piece of street where i could place my foot

The rain embraces me, and makes me cold enough to have my body shaking
It makes me wanting to scream out of poor joy
I want to sing and dance and embrace the entire world

I can't remember being this happy, or this wet
and i can only hope it will never stop
raining

You cannot hide from your own mind
the game of hide and seek may go on for a while but
sooner or later you'll find yourself at 3 am,
with nothing to do but staring at the ceiling
and you'll have to listen
let your mind point out every flaw and every little error
let it go on unmerciful about everything that hurts
and you'll have to listen
unless you want to flee on the internet
but in that case, you'll never sleep again

when you died it was like
the world stopped for a while
everybody grieved and was sad
they all loved you

they've moved on in the mean time
and you're never mentioned anymore
but you were the one woman
i would go to and talk about this

I created the sea
a thousand years of crying
of staring at the skies

Now I'm swimming
trying to learn
a way out of my pain

The moment i left you my eyes started washing my face
why not, since you are not here to show my strength
since you are that part of me far away again
i'm left to face my own life alone
and i didn't even have the curage to tell you i am scared
I didn't have the right words to tell you how much i'm hurting
And how i don't even feel at home inside my own heart

Maybe i gave you currage
or you have a power source i cannot reach
but every day i watched you
you look the world right in the eyes, and tell it who you are
But when you're tired of explaining yourself, it's my shoulder your head feels save
So how could i tell you i need some of your strength
So how can i tell your save haven is an ocean drowing within itself
the salt of it's waves reaches beyond my skin, i bet even my heart tastes salty from all my tears

But when my eyes get hazy, and i don't see the world
i'll picture you
And as long as you face another day
I'll be there.
I'll be there, and help you trough

There's a sea inside my heart
Tidal waves keep my eyes wet
That's only because of the moon
Even when invisible she pulls at me
So hard
I'm overflowing both grief and joy

something is broken
the mechanism holding back the tears
is taking a break

your name
your face
our memories
everything turns my face into salt waters

and i don't know why

i should be over you
i should have moved on by now
i don't even like you right now

but just thinking
of you
or thinking about
why my face is wet

and i just loose it
again

please don't dissapear
i want you to be here tomorrow
i want to wake up
and see your smile

every day

I build myself an island
and now i live on it
staring at the ocean
allways mistaking normal waves for storm

i remember my way back to light and warmth
it's not too hard to get there
but as long as i'm afraid of being honest
there's just no point in going back