De sluiers van de slaap
verdwijnen, het licht
was hier weer eerder dan ik, vandaag
goedemorgen, morgen
vandaag weer, een dag om
wie zal ik pijn doen?

Flip the medal
flip, flip flip
one side
the other
then the first side again

intelligent
helpful
passionate
great cook

flip

obese
depressed
lonely
scared

flip

strong
loving
po­et
pretty awesome

flip

hurt
heartbroken
always complaining
never healthy

flip
flip, flip

i can show you
one side
and be awesome
and feel a cheater

or could show you
the other
and get you pity
or your hate

but i want you
to look at me
and see both sides
that's who i am

add a poem
share your story with the world
tell them your feelings
your sorrows
your hopes and your fears

add a poem
make it public
everyone can read how you feel

but one of these days
i'll have nothing
left to give

Always hiding
always a next truth
you don't want to face

Always running
Responsibilities can't catch you
If you leave them far enough behind

Did you create yet
the perfect dream
-world?
And are you happy?
Is Ignorance bliss?

There was a time i knew
exactly where i stood
God created life on earth
and everything was good

Just pray twice for every meal
read your bible without thinking
in case of questions: parents are right
and the church agrees with them

I want that back
i want to crawl inside my homophobic misogynistic childhood
stay there, not knowing i'll grow up to be a gay, powerful, woman
i never lost God while growing up
but i miss my faith in self righteousness

*It felt good, to know everything.

and there she is again
overdwelming,
roaring in my soul

i welcome her
as an old friend
someone once dearly loved

she knows our departions will never be forever
she moves in her place naturally,
as if we've never split

she takes my hand and leads me
to the darkest corners of my soul
she presents herself as light, although we both know

how deceiving
how perfect is your love, my love

it was not you that took me
it was me that gave myself away

i love you, my love
and yet i know you do not know that word

i know the word love is, for you as empty as my soul
is now to me

again you've taken everything
and you despite me for loving you for it

but it's so hard to keep my eyes dry
as you hurry away

and my now empty soul is screaming
for you to come back, and take some more

i remember
the last day i was still whole
not knowing
the terrible facts of life

i remember
picking daisies , smiling happy
and i didn't know
the curse on my own family

i remember
that evil day in june
and words changed everything that ever mattered
and words slowly made me strong

The shadow shows herself to her
Her own lines
the words that hurt the most
He looks at her, and says:
You didn't hurt enough
Let's read this poem together
Let's live this poem together
feel the pain all over again

The shadow means well
He wants to understand
But she doesn't want to go back
She doesn't have to go back
She's still in that moment
she's still on that floor
she's still screaming from pain
Trying to reach her phone to reach an ambulance

The shadow wants to know her past
she wants it to know her
she wants to be known
But she doens't want to know
She has to look forward
or she'll stay in the past forever.

Energy is important
i learned that the hard way
lights are out, and i'm tired
you can't reach the same brightness with candles.

My bed became my greatest friend
i couldn't even read
all my small achievements
start with electrons in a wire

Even dishes have to be done
by hand, in a dark kitchen
but i'm not sure if i will
find the strength to get up again

Even music became impossible
i got the art of silence
but once in a while i'll have a good day
and open my pc to some youtube

I'm supposed to be happy
today is the day that I got what I wanted
I got it right here in my hand
and it represents thousands of possible future's

then why do I want to crawl back in bed an cry for forever?

In a new house
You get to start over
a new beginning
isn't that what you wanted?

Just think of what is possible now
your biggest dream unraveling
a future
filled with rainbows

don't go to bed
don't cry forever
just because
you'll be alone

my biggest fan is off
gone somewhere
other people are cooler now

i see no longer
his turning blades
but this new silence makes me concentrate

i lost someone
but it's okay
a fan just moves air anyway

you don't have to close your eyes to taste this
just breath
take in the scent
smell the odor
let it take you over

without seeing you will see it
the right colour of brown
pale haselnuts in the middle
just feel it on your tongue
the chocolate
haselnut structure
start chewing your empty mouth

be never so much satisfied by any food
enjoy the best flavout ever

you

were an instand-seed
all it took was a little water
and then you bloomed

you tasted
like harp-music
you sounded
both purple and green

you
thoroughly romantic
talked about a girl - and the dream

i took a sip of you
in order to taste the purple and

green

i know why you tasted salt
it was my water -
it was my fault

you
the little seed
harptea
only bloomed once
only bleeded once

but now
it'll always be my fault

You're so hard to peel
layer after layer
and all make my eyes tear

It's okay
if that's just how you are
But I worry you're afraid
your inside
has just not enough to give

I'm not going to face you
I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not
going to ever admit you might be real

all my poems about you, were based on fiction
and you are not the unknown reason
my soul seems to be screaming
you're not why I don't want to be alive

I don't know the details
just know I shielded my mind from you
just know my heart breaks in two every time you're mentioned
only know, how much I want to run away

but you're not real!
this pain is based on fiction
I couldn't remember you if I wanted to
since you never even happened

and you have nothing to do
with all these sleepness nights

Wandering
inside my heart
I must be careful
after every corner may be something
I don't want to know about

Don't go there
it hurts
I can't have myself thinking about this
Lock the door
of this particular section
But my heart is so heavy with locks

I wipe my own memory
Every day
just do I don't remember lying
about almost everything
that could have been real

you're safe inside me
said the house
no matter you're alone
i'm gonna take care of you

don't mind thunder or hail
rain or sunshine
wind or mist
i'll be around you

i trusted the house
and i figured
i was really safe
this time

but the storm said
i am angry enough to destroy something big
and if you're even kind of happy
i really can't stand you

so the storm blew
and the house tried
but wasn't strong enough
couldn't keep his promise

so i stand alone again
facing the left-overs of my house
and i can't stop wondering
was i wrong to trust it?

The girl with green eyes
is always running
don't try to catch her
don't even try

she has a wild side
pure animal
to hunt her down
would be close to ******

that doesn't mean you should leave her alone
in this world, wildlife
needs protection

Little sister
teach me how to write poems
I write with words, but you make my heart jump
I suddenly want to believe in Lily's

Little sibling
I keep reading you over and over
I thought I had talent, but compared to you
I barely exist

Little sister
I often feel the younger one
you seem to be so much further
in figuring out Life

Little sibling
I often worry
I wish I had the hope
I feel I need to give you

Little brother
you're the man of my dreams
and if you'll ever get your own world
please take me along!

I never see your pain
Knowing it must be there doesn't change that
You seem fine
I must seem un-caring to you

I heared your story
I never assumed it was over
but I've never asked about it since
afraid to steer-up this topic

So often I'm clueless about the pain I cause in others
Just by not focusing on them
Just by assuming they're okay
just because it's easier to not think about

I'm very sorry
and that won't change your pain

The poet
doesn't want to feel
is that an oxymoron?

The vegetarian eats meat
again

the once beloved house
abandoned
because I hated it so long

The future
wide open
too wide

I'm scared

The poet
abandoning her words
needs to learn how to

feel

Kiss the floorboards
hug the curtains
be happy about the neighbour sounds

Lay on the couch
or take a shower
make your own **** tea

Kiss the windows
hug your table
read all the books you own at once

Turn on candles
make your own rules

because

you're finally

home

perhaps i am a rose
meant to bloom up your living room
share beauty for a while
even if it means i'm dying

you threw the rose away
it would just remind you of how you got it
that's okay too
i'll share my beauty with the garbage

when the world seems to be falling apart
turn to the creator of things
He's listening
He's loving

And He'll take care of you
no mather what

Is it a crime
to ****?

Is it a crime to ****
an idea?

Is it a crime to ****
an imaginary friend?

But i didn't **** you
He did

But he didn't **** you
you just ceased to exist

Is it a crime to **** your daughter before she is born?
Is it a crime to break her mother's heart?

Is it a crime
to change the future
and make it all
just a dream?

blink the light back
make your eyes strong enough
to never see again

the dreams
easily forgotten
always lived

you never knew why
you never knew why
you never knew

you never knew

i know
and therefor i'm forsaken

i knew
and therefor dreamed

I'm not leaving you outside my heart
well I am,
but I'm not
not-telling you anything I know

there's walls inside my own mind I'm not allowed to cross
they don't have doors, I'd have to climb
and then jump
so I'd be falling
for a long time

and nobody knows how broken I'd be if I'd survive the fall

so unless
you know how to buy a parachute
and help me climb the walls
you just have to
accept
there're things about me you'll
never know

Find some new walls
paint them white

hang up fresh curtains
find a fitting washing machine

Buy second hand furniture
convince friends to get them upstairs

Decorate your kitchen
Build a bedroom in your closet

Flowers on the table

It doesn't change things
You know this ain't a new begin

because there's still

you

When you're scared
and too scared to admit you're scared
Can't find the words to mention to anyone
your life is falling apart
where do you go?

When you're scared
and too scared to admit you're scared
Lie about the reasons you're not sleeping
and pretend everything is fine
what do you do?

It's a great comfort
that God reads all thoughts
and knows the things inside you
which you don't want to know yourself

It's a great comfort
to have a loving Father
to hold you, and guide you
And He helps to let go
of all the secrets inside

All was going to be all right
we were fighting all day but
that was over now
I walked you to work
and we both thought that would be a good new tradition
you even offered to buy me chocolate
but the idea of you buying something on the Lord's day was still a bit too much for me
walking back to your house was my first time in your city alone outside
my skirt swirling in the wind
I had promised to marry you and was trying so hard to make myself believe that was the right step
that wasn't fair but I didn't want to

lose you

I came home to find your door locked
the password of your laptop changed
your best friend randomly came by, and it felt like checking
if I obeyed all your rules

I don't want to write down this story
I want to keep believing
our love was good enough
until the end

So close to the end I made small talk with your roommate
I would convince you later that was okay
You shouldn't have been jealous
We ended up bonding
Sharing African music
talked about the books I read
his strange views on religion

It was the one evening
I didn't feel alone
It was the one evening
I could be myself

I thought I could live with you
in the country you hated
in the house that was falling apart
I thought I could fight your anger
Replace it with my love
If I just had one friend

With your roommate, i didn't have to force myself
to not see almost everything
I could finally be myself again
he wasn't forcing me to change me
I liked my own version better

I still don't know
why you left work
was it to check on me?
or should I believe the petty excuse I don't remember
but you were there
an angry monster
my lover gone
the hate had finally taken over
I wonder what you saw
what is this evening like from your perspective?
Were you just as scared when you started to shout to me?
Do you also still feel the grip of your strong hands around my wrist?
Did you sense then, how close we were to domestic violence?
Do you know, that whenever i remember that moment
I'm really scared of you?

I don't remember what you said
you were done
would take me to the airport
but that was it
I wouldn't leave
my return ticket was booked for months from now
after we were supposed to get married
Was I really that young last year?

You told me, that if I didn't leave
you would
that crazy scheme to leave the country illegally we fighted about so often
was still possible
you'd leave me alone in a country so strange to me
I couldn't even catch a bus

Instantly, I knew for sure
your roommate would keep me safe
and I was way to smart to be completely helpless
but I also knew it wouldn't be fair to ask
or to impose

around 4 am
your anger was cooling down
enough to tell me I could stay
but by then
we were waiting for the first bus to the airport
I was finally smart enough to not go back
I was smart enough to leave you

but three airports later
my head got all confused in the skies
My highest phone bill ever
hour long long distance calls
I couldn't leave you yet

You left yourself
your city and your country
fled (again) from your own life
became nothing but a not-working phone number
and an awful lot of unprocessed memories

every atom is filled with empty space
that's how i got lost
the open spaces in my mind are haunting me
and i forgot where i always used to hide

i'm floating in a sea of fake emotions
don't know if there's one i should trust
should i scream or just stay quiet?
who would find me if i did?

There's echo's and tears
and i'm thinking of flames
but you can't burn
nothing

If you were here
I'd tell you about the candle I made
how it changes colours on the inside.
I'd tell you about the idea I have for a present to my brother
and ask you if my plan isn't too much.

If you were here
I'd tell you that I have to call somewhere to change an apointement
You know how nervous I get around phones
You'd tell me to just do it
and it would be alright

If you were here I'd tell you about left and right brain hemispheres
because I heard a podcast about that today, and I like sounding smart to you.
I've also been thinking lately
about the relation between trust and facts, and what implications they have.

If you were here I'd tell you that I dreamed about green beans
so now I'm going to eat green beans, even though I hate them.
I also dreamed about my grandmother.
My sister said she's moving, if that's true she will be closer to me.

If you were here
I would tell you how worried I am
because there was an earthquake, and now my best friend won't come online
you're the person I'd share that with.

But I guess
I wouldn't say any of that, if you were here now.

Not before I'd hug you, very very tight.

as i say this by myself
i know i mean it
but it's not just the appeciation of myself
i say it as a promise
there's more in my heart than love for people i know
and lingering feelings for those of the past
i say 'I love you' as a promise
an expectation of future love
i can feel my broken heart healing inside me
it's opening again
ready for new people
getting ready to let them in
my heart is beating on the capability of love
and someone will come around
to let me make him happy

I wrote you a story but my pen was out of ink
the words existed only when they were written
until i forgot them again
and the story never existed all at once
but it was still a story
and i wrote if for you
and God still knows every word

this daycare
a world
all children abandoned by fathers
does he come back?

a phoneline
we keep talking
what we hear back is static
what we believe is love

does He come back?
did God just leave us for a while?
are we orphans?
did our father ever exist?

this world's
a daycare
and we're trying so hard to keep believing
we'll be picked up at the end of the day

Still, there are days
all the Andrea Gibson poems remind me of you
you were the one who made me love them
at first only because I loved you

I was never good enough for you
an everlasting dissapointment in the corners of your life
A needy friend, never offering you support herself
while we all knew your life was harder

I was jealous of everyone who read your blog
and of every personal message on twitter (I only joined twiiter because you asked me too)
And lousy friend or not, you were always on my mind
I begged the world on a daily base to treat you better

But had no idea how to do that myself
I was so young, back then, and you so filled with wisdom
you taught me how to be myself, even when you weren't you yet

Years later,
you're still the person I loved the most
and I'd still die for you if you'd ask me
but we haven't been in touch for years
and your life went in all kind of directions I  could never go

Years later,
I still love you
and a big part of me knows
I always will



You're still with me every now and then
walking trough my head to remind me
of all our hour long conversations
I'm still convinced I was a fool for hurting you
and it's still too bad you're out my life

Your picture, in my wallet
8 years ago, you look so innocent
so different from how I remember you
but so peaceful I want to ask you to protect you

I often dream of meeting you again
But it wouldn't happen - you live in Sweden now
and it wouldn't work - I am no where near awesome enough for you

You and I became ancient history
but I'll be always greatful
for that day in the zoo, where we met.

I don't want
a temple of mirrors
but what if I am
all alone
spirituality
could be just a part of me lying
arguments
could be misleading
reason
doesn't seem to make sense

I don't want
a temple of mirrors
I can't be all alone out there
not Good enough
to be a God

I don't want
a temple made of mirrors
I need
a window to look trough
and an almight God

and I don't want
to run
from the Truth

after the fire she did not close her eyes for weeks
too afraid a sleeping moment would instantly **** her family
like it almost did last time
oh - only think what if she didn't wake up to puke because
she didn't eat bad sushi
or only what if, if she didn't have the audacity
to jump out the window while holding a baby

sleeping might be dead next time
who guarantees the flames are not just lingering in this new home
waiting around for the next peacefull moment
who guarantees sleeping is safe?

her eyelids keep blinking
eyes tearing like there's already smoke again
another cup of coffee should buy a few more minutes of being awake which means being safe for now

another few moments, another few minutes
blinking eyelids... have to.. kept open
fearful heart should... stay awake
safety.. family...
i know why... i shouldn't sleep

Don't lie
it's not raining
it never rains
inside

The emotion
you never try to feel
it's here

This is just
you
crying
about the past few months


Don't flee
don't add today to the pile off
undealt emotion
don't add to your own weight
with chocolate

Don't hide
Accept that you are feeling
Accept that life is hard
stay in your emotions
and deal with them
today

i've been listening sad lovesongs all to long
and i'd gave them all to make things right
and i'd gave more
if i knew it still could change things

saying i love you won't be enough
saying i love you won't make it right
it won't be right again

i've been the biggest fool ever
having you in my arms and didn't even care
but the hard part is
i deserve this

and suddenly it all became this mess
i wish i could stop your leaving
i wish you left something behind

i'll never take you for granted again
i promise
i'll never not try my very best again
i promise

but promising isn't enough this time
and if you don't believe me, i can't blame you
i can't blame
it's all my fault

i wish i could take back
all

I hardly ever give anyone a piece of my mind
I want to keep it
I grew up believing smartness was all I had
and all I have to give

I'm learning about my heart the hard way
carried it around like a lump inside me
not understanding why it was so heavy
and not using it's capabilities

It had a room for love
but no one told me how that works
I put hate and grief in it instead
until it was so heavy I wore myself down

I have a big heart
and the stuff I put in wasn't light
but I'm cleaning up now
not planning on keeping it empty

I'm planning on learning how to love
and I'll share my love with everyone
so my heart
will never overflow

He said: step out of your comfort zone
She said: fill out this questionaire
They said: get some help
We made up your mind, and you're not coping

The white dragon stares at me
mercyless, asking the next question
I could take your life, but I want to take the hard stuff
I want what you could never give

The white dragon
holds me with his eyes
forces me to dig around my soul
but the truth,

he'll never get

I build me a rocket
and flew to the moon
took enough oxygen to last a while
and i brought wifi, to stay in touch

There's no clouds here
i can allways see the earth
i brought my telescope
keep it pointed to your house

I could cover you with my thumb
but i hold you in my hands
and i'll protect you
i watch you, so i'm safe

Fill your heart with black and white
It's looks
sophisticated
like you're a grown up

stay clear of grey
that would suggest you
are trying to change yourself

forget bright lights
ever existed
and keep the colours from your mind

there's a ball of pain in my heart reaching all the way to my stomache
3 bars of chocolate were not enough to shush it
and i bit my lip so hard i can now hold parts of it in my hand but
what do i cry about? I couldn't even say
there's no way i could explain this self-pitious nightmarish makebelief
with problems that would probably dissapear if mentioned out loud but
no one to mention them to that would even remotely care and i
have no idea how i could end the (probably self-inflicted) agony if not with words sharing feelings
but the only fact i really shouldn't could not have to face is
the idea that i could make it all just dissapear if i was not
too freaking afraid to say how i feel

English is not the language of love
My heart often got lost in translation
My heart often fell off a plane while
trying to place itself in another country

How many times
didn't I confuse my lovers
with language new to them?

And how many times did they
not get to transfer a message
because the words were too hard to translate?

English is not the language of love
our hearts aren't native speakers
the translations
keep us too far apart

I'll sleep
trough your day
and you'll wake
in my night

Our words are
long distance
they travel
so fast

We talk
about hugging
but it's unlikely
we'll ever touch

Dear stranger
I just met you
so why do you feel
like a friend?

Dear stranger
I love you
this should
never end

English is not the language of love
the reason my boyfriend left me
is still trying to win my heart
'can love if i'm' are his broken words

life forced him to learn too many languages
when he was fleeing from country to country
from the people who murdered his family

I wish I could let him flee into my heart
but it's not a safe place
I am warground
grenades of trauma's and lost love still wound me
Don't try to come inside my heart
I closed my borders
don't give asylum

I'm not safe
It wouldn't be fair to you
to let you in
for I would wound you
like 'he' wounded me
while you saw us
breaking up

I can't find a box big enough
Emotion
I'm not supposed to deal with
Words
that never form a line

I started running
the path
still visible
trackmarks of me
crawling
nowIi'm going the other way

forget Progress
forget Opening yourself up
forget
all
Hope

keep running
you didn't come far yet
it's easy
to reach me
the safe zone

here you don't need
to deny
anything
but you