you don't have to close your eyes to taste this
just breath
take in the scent
smell the odor
let it take you over

without seeing you will see it
the right colour of brown
pale haselnuts in the middle
just feel it on your tongue
the chocolate
haselnut structure
start chewing your empty mouth

be never so much satisfied by any food
enjoy the best flavout ever

I keep playing this game of hide and seek in which
i hide, nobody seeks
and none of the things i put deep inside my pain
is worth being found by strangers

which is all you all are, strangers
unable to connect with my most precious feelings
unable to even acknowledge this pain
unable to even wonder if there may be something wrong

but then i'll get a message, saying
'your poems sound depressed, are you okay'
and i lie my way out with honesty
and just have to find another place to hide the shame

and i'll just dig deeper
hide my madness farther away
and i'll even believe myself i don't know
why i'm not asleep

They say it's darkest, right before the light
but as long as you don't see a light
how do you know if it will get any darker?
how do you know life is worth sticking around?

the christmas lights are everywhere
little stars, little lightbulbs
kitsch trying to spread some warmth
but i'm not sure those lights represent hope anymore

i don't want christmas to fool me into believing
but i know i need something to keep me going
i know, i should
turn around and face the Light

it's okay to never listen to music because i'm oversensitive to sounds
i still have words. They can form stories or poetry
create worlds inside my head and
form orchestra's with sounds so bright i will never need my ears to hear them
just my sensitive heart

i'll go trough the world smiling in silence
while listening to the echo's of music that are still inside me after all these years
i'm never alone, and even when i have to stay quiet
my heart usually sings

You cannot hide from your own mind
the game of hide and seek may go on for a while but
sooner or later you'll find yourself at 3 am,
with nothing to do but staring at the ceiling
and you'll have to listen
let your mind point out every flaw and every little error
let it go on unmerciful about everything that hurts
and you'll have to listen
unless you want to flee on the internet
but in that case, you'll never sleep again

The night the meteor left again
it left a crater at the place my world had been

i walked around it
staring at the cold emptyness
ruins of the things i used to love
now just cold remainders of villages and cities
dead bodies that have been buried there
memories now forgotten

it didn't feel like a lost at first
i had the meteor, it shared so much warmth
i knew for sure happy tidings were to come
and the meteor was going to stay forever

now i'm left with a big hole
inside my world, inside my feelings
i try to fill with sand or dirt or water
but it's just too big! I have not enough materials
i cannot make this hurt undone

I'd spent all the money that i don't have
if it made me not tired for an entire day
i'd give up years of my life
to feel good for a while
but if i can never do that
and spent my whole life being weak
i'll still
write awesome stories

years ago,
we build a time capsule together
and said: this is the defenition of pain
for today, and for eternity

and floated apart we kept protecting our dig side
however much i do not want see you again
no way no, you will not dig up that pain
i would rather die than let you feel it again

but tonight i dug it up
and you were not there to stop me
probaly living in Sweden with your new love
like, the seventh since me?
why would you care about me digging up an old box?

Do you remember Pandora?
our pain has allways been like it
i opened it this evening
and forsake intire worlds

there are nails somewhere deep inside my skull
making my head bleed will stop me from screaming
which shouldn't make sense but it doesn't
it's 3 am, you shouldn't be
anything but sleeping unless you are dead but
biting the blanket will keep me from screaming another
few seconds, the blankets that cannot even
stop me from shivering, no one will know
i keep long nails for nights like forever
feels so long ago
nails make me bleeding 'cause
pain is better than pain
and tears will flow anyway

after the fire she did not close her eyes for weeks
too afraid a sleeping moment would instantly **** her family
like it almost did last time
oh - only think what if she didn't wake up to puke because
she didn't eat bad sushi
or only what if, if she didn't have the audacity
to jump out the window while holding a baby

sleeping might be dead next time
who guarantees the flames are not just lingering in this new home
waiting around for the next peacefull moment
who guarantees sleeping is safe?

her eyelids keep blinking
eyes tearing like there's already smoke again
another cup of coffee should buy a few more minutes of being awake which means being safe for now

another few moments, another few minutes
blinking eyelids... have to.. kept open
fearful heart should... stay awake
safety.. family...
i know why... i shouldn't sleep

there's a ball of pain in my heart reaching all the way to my stomache
3 bars of chocolate were not enough to shush it
and i bit my lip so hard i can now hold parts of it in my hand but
what do i cry about? I couldn't even say
there's no way i could explain this self-pitious nightmarish makebelief
with problems that would probably dissapear if mentioned out loud but
no one to mention them to that would even remotely care and i
have no idea how i could end the (probably self-inflicted) agony if not with words sharing feelings
but the only fact i really shouldn't could not have to face is
the idea that i could make it all just dissapear if i was not
too freaking afraid to say how i feel

the clock in my street is so happy about the passing time
every thirty minutes it stars singing a song full of joy
but only when there's people around
he's trying to share a message
he's trying to give us hope

I wrote you a story but my pen was out of ink
the words existed only when they were written
until i forgot them again
and the story never existed all at once
but it was still a story
and i wrote if for you
and God still knows every word

De sluiers van de slaap
verdwijnen, het licht
was hier weer eerder dan ik, vandaag
goedemorgen, morgen
vandaag weer, een dag om
wie zal ik pijn doen?

when you died it was like
the world stopped for a while
everybody grieved and was sad
they all loved you

they've moved on in the mean time
and you're never mentioned anymore
but you were the one woman
i would go to and talk about this

I build myself an island
and now i live on it
staring at the ocean
allways mistaking normal waves for storm

i remember my way back to light and warmth
it's not too hard to get there
but as long as i'm afraid of being honest
there's just no point in going back

Het is een stilte die je niet vertrouwen ****
nu stil, maar voor *** lang?
Wat is het volgende geluid, komt er een storm?

Het is een stilte die je overschreeuwen wilt
TV, muziek, misschien moet ik iemand bellen
alles klinkt beter dan wat er nu klinkt

Het is een stilte die bang maakt
dreiging, dichtbij of veraf
en niet weten hoelang

het nog stil zal zijn

I'm here
because i want to be
this life, full of pain
i choose it every day

i welcome the bad days
they'll make hope for the good ones
and appreciate them
i welcome
the pain part of life

i'm not supposed to live forever
and i can't wait, until it's time to leave
but life taught me patience
so for now, i'll just live

I saw a stranger today
i once loved him
he tried to march back in my life like nothing happened
acting like i matter to him
but it's too late
he's a stranger
it's irreversable

I always try to be perfect
and every day I fail
there's lists around my room and in my head
of things needed to be improved
and I wouldn't know where to start
or when

maybe life's not about being perfect
but I still think I should
at least try

I once believed in a fata morgana
it had your name

I once believed i would marry you
and flew to your country

I once believed if i didn't unpack
time would stop and save me

I wonder if you still have the letter you wrote me
the second of the two

if not, it's all
history

a leaf on it's way to the ground
is not searching for the meaning of life
it's just... falling
letting go it's one attachement

it's colours are not to amaze you
just a random biological process
stop looking for a reason
and just watch it blow in the wind

you keep talking word after word
and all i do is want to mute you
but instead i tell myself to
show consideration
let you know i care
and not let out the screaming
that tries to drawn out your sounds

this is your story
and you have the right to be heared
it's good you share your pain

but i can't share mine
i can't let you know i'm screaming
my secrets are not mine to tell
i guard an untold horror
so i have to sympathise
and comfort you
without telling that i really know
what it is you say

whisper your secrets to the wind
tell your stories to the trees
but do not ever
ever ever ever
tell anything important
to another human being

share your secrets with a stranger
far away on the internet
keep closeness on a distance
do not let them hurt you
you could always turn them off

share your secrets with the wind
tell your stories to the trees
but never tell another soul
about the things that keep you up
about the things that make you silent
unless you want to scream

apperently time didn't stop
it's winter soon
but not the winter we thought it would be
single instead of married
i think we're better of this way
you know, lovers are lyers
love likes to be blind
we didn't belong together
but we forgot to look for the things we didn't want to see
you tried to control me
was always angry
i tried to manipulate you
anything to not loose you
i'm thankful for the crazy way you broke up with me
at least now it is over
you'll never tell me again what not to do
i'll no longer believe anything you say
hé, whatever you say, i don't even hear it
i couldn't even reach you if i wanted to
i guess that's good
i'm starting to like being single again
every future is possible
everything but you!

Energy is important
i learned that the hard way
lights are out, and i'm tired
you can't reach the same brightness with candles.

My bed became my greatest friend
i couldn't even read
all my small achievements
start with electrons in a wire

Even dishes have to be done
by hand, in a dark kitchen
but i'm not sure if i will
find the strength to get up again

Even music became impossible
i got the art of silence
but once in a while i'll have a good day
and open my pc to some youtube

There was a time i knew
exactly where i stood
God created life on earth
and everything was good

Just pray twice for every meal
read your bible without thinking
in case of questions: parents are right
and the church agrees with them

I want that back
i want to crawl inside my homophobic misogynistic childhood
stay there, not knowing i'll grow up to be a gay, powerful, woman
i never lost God while growing up
but i miss my faith in self righteousness

*It felt good, to know everything.

i stole your story
wrote poems about your heartbreak like it was mine
but somewhere in my self-afflicted agony
i forgot to ask how you are doing now

every atom is filled with empty space
that's how i got lost
the open spaces in my mind are haunting me
and i forgot where i always used to hide

i'm floating in a sea of fake emotions
don't know if there's one i should trust
should i scream or just stay quiet?
who would find me if i did?

There's echo's and tears
and i'm thinking of flames
but you can't burn
nothing

I always keep my nails long
long enough to don't need a knife
my skin is allways new and fresh
and not too far away from bleeding

I always write my dreams down
unless i have my nightmares
images i want to forget don't need words
they're burned on my mind forever

Sometimes when i chat
i do so, to not sell my soul
write words that make me likeable
pretend i am someone i wouldn't want to be

The things that never happened
are defining who i am
and even if i'd try to write them down they'd be boring
i wouldn't stay in your mind for a second
my story should remain untold

Don't say my name
i'm not real, anyway
don't say my name
or acknowledge my existance

I never happened
i'm just the shadow of a dream
something from an ancient story
a bad movie, a sad song

don't say my name
what you won't put into words
will not get real
or even fiction

It never happened, i'm just a stranger
you heared of me but
you would not recognise me if i
sat next to you in the bus station

Don't say my name
you may let me exist in your memories
but never in your stories
and never in your words

Don't say my name
and i will leave you alone

or will I?

perhaps i am a rose
meant to bloom up your living room
share beauty for a while
even if it means i'm dying

you threw the rose away
it would just remind you of how you got it
that's okay too
i'll share my beauty with the garbage

everything needs
to end
everything should stop
some day

but you didn't think
it would be this day
and you didn't think
it would be your life
ending
it always felt you
would live forever

but what if you were wrong all along?
this could be
your last day

what would you do next?

there's this small
evil part of me

hoping you will get a boyfriend
for you to be happy
make plans to get married

and then it all to fall apart

so i could visit you
and say
'i would have bought you
Ben and Jerry's
but you just don't seem

Sad enough'

I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping are you dreaming, if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe
you actually dumped me

I'm still calling you to see
to see what?
i don't know
but i keep calling
hoping for your voice

and maybe
next time you'll answer
tell me it's allright
and you will love me
forever
like you promised you would*

You stopped calling me to see
if i'm okay, when you're not around
Let me ask you if you love me
because i love the way you make it sound

I left my suitcase
unpacked for months
maybe i thought i could still fly back
you should be waiting for me somewhere

The world has lost it's way
it's so hard sometimes
I was in love with you
and you took that away

You should let me call you
tell me if you're okay when i'm not around
Asking if you love me
did i try to hard
to make you smile?

Never fall in love with a cloud

I saw you in the skies,
and i started loving you

However short i had seen you, i thought you were going to rain
And all i had to do was go outside, and let you soak me

I could imagine us going on dates, and hitting it off, and one day getting married

You'd be all around me, and i inside you
Time would stand still, and we would be together for a short forever

but you're a cloud
you just floated away

and now you're gone

I've seen other clouds
but they didn't seem right
even weeks later, i'm still hoping for your rain

I'm always hoping to see it
small yet magnifient light
reaching my eyes from far away
filled with hopefull promises

I never know when it'll happen
I keep my eyes to the skies
hoping to see something green
A light with healing powers

It's allways a sign for me
Telling me you're close now
Reaching me from far away
And for a very little time

*we're together

add a poem
share your story with the world
tell them your feelings
your sorrows
your hopes and your fears

add a poem
make it public
everyone can read how you feel

but one of these days
i'll have nothing
left to give

i'll walk away now
leave you behind
if you give it time
i'll just be one of your stories

i'll walk away now
no longer part
of the life we were living
it's all yours now

i'm walking
look at me
as i'm fading
from your view

the moon
is new
still empty

open
for every
possibility

i stand still
to look at my life
and the ways that let me
here

the moon
will be filled
with memories
thoughts and words
stories

my life
will go
a way i can't forsee
but i'm going
anyway

the moon
will shine
at it's brightest
at the middle
of it's cycle
and everything
will look
so nice

i will
figure myself out
and have a bright day
at some point

the moon will grow older
ripe like a cheese
filled
with memories
instead of possibilities

i may
look back at this
at some point
and wish
i made a different
decision

the moon will die
when it's time comes
not go out with a bang
but fade into nothingness

the moon
is a kite
and i'm the one
to fly it

after the moon dies
a new moon
comes along
to start
over

please don't dissapear
i want you to be here tomorrow
i want to wake up
and see your smile

every day

The sound of rain wakes me up in the middle of the night
it makes me want to open my window
and i don't even care my bed gets soaking wet

It's still raining when i wake up in the morning
I've never been this cold, but i also feel refreshed
It feels like the rain has gone inside me

I ditch the bus, and decide to walk today
The water is still pouring
There's no dry piece of street where i could place my foot

The rain embraces me, and makes me cold enough to have my body shaking
It makes me wanting to scream out of poor joy
I want to sing and dance and embrace the entire world

I can't remember being this happy, or this wet
and i can only hope it will never stop
raining

as i say this by myself
i know i mean it
but it's not just the appeciation of myself
i say it as a promise
there's more in my heart than love for people i know
and lingering feelings for those of the past
i say 'I love you' as a promise
an expectation of future love
i can feel my broken heart healing inside me
it's opening again
ready for new people
getting ready to let them in
my heart is beating on the capability of love
and someone will come around
to let me make him happy

i like you for being
you
for being someone that's not me
for being somebody totally different

you say things i'd never say
you'd do things i'll never do
you'll dream things i've never dreamed of

i could never have imagined you
i could never make someone like you in my mind
your actions can surprise me
your words may intrigue me
your mind will amaze me
the totallity of you overawes me

I can never be you
unless i change the perspective
and make you look at me
i can be your you
just as much as you are mine

let's form a unity
and be you, and me
together

Flip the medal
flip, flip flip
one side
the other
then the first side again

intelligent
helpful
passionate
great cook

flip

obese
depressed
lonely
scared

flip

strong
loving
po­et
pretty awesome

flip

hurt
heartbroken
always complaining
never healthy

flip
flip, flip

i can show you
one side
and be awesome
and feel a cheater

or could show you
the other
and get you pity
or your hate

but i want you
to look at me
and see both sides
that's who i am

I'm floating
not more feelings
no more doubt

a country
just sounds and lights
no meaning
no pain

Let me stay in this world
of nothingness
where nothing is possible
but no one seems to mind

I'm floating
my own life seems far away
i'm leaving
Leaving me behind

Don't
stop me
Don't tell me emotions are supposed to be real
don't tell me pain is usefull

Let me float
away
from my own
life

I want to write poems like scented candles
and turn the entire room into something else
I want to be able to move you to tears
just by what i'm saying

I want to describe a flower in a way you can see it
and smell or touch it if you please
I want you to be able to read your misery or heart desires
into the words about mine

I want to fill you with my emotions
Be happy, be sad, think that the world's incredible!
Wonder about my life for a while
And never stop reading my words

our time together was short
and maybe not even real
and now you're gone

But you were my best friend
those few weeks we had together
you were a shoulder i could cry on

Our time together is fading
already just a memory
but always real to me

I was diagnosed with depression today
apperently doctors lie too
and it's not too hard to make them do that

I was diagnosed with depression today
allready i'm reshaping those words
turning them into something i will not believe, but use

I was diagnosed with depression today
So now, everything is not my fault
I hold my diagnose up like a shield
now find someone else, to blame

i just have to believe what you say, stranger
because your words are all i've got

i just have to believe your name
though there were no results in facebook or google

i'm just believing that you like me
and that you really would analyse my handwriting
and that you live in the place you're living

but i will never know
if you'll come online
again