i'm a leaf
and my tree left me
some months ago
or: he set me free

there was
a lot of wind
so i'm taking my time
to reach to ground

i wake up
still falling
i go to sleep
still falling

i sit in a train
-falling-
and suddenly a song makes me cry
(tears falling)

i lie to friends
tell them i'm doing okay
i do not tell i'm actually skydiving
without a parachute

the wind, a twirl of emotions
plays with me
lifts me up just enough
so i can keep on falling

and i still haven't reached the ground

i'm still kind of alife

and everything i do is part of that movement called falling

will i ever reach the end?
yes!
and it will not be a crash
i will be catched
my fall is not unnoticed
my pain is not unseen

my Catcher
is watching me
knew i would fall before i knew there was a tree
and i can keep on falling
because i'll fall in His hand

The silence
between the lines we say is
as deafening
as the shouts of our last fight
the screams in the shower
the icecold water couldn't clean my face

you said you want me back, and yet you blame me
for every little thing you did wrong

i said i want you back, and yet i blame you
for every little thing you did wrong

Maybe i should take some of the blame - or the guilt - but when i try
i feel your angry hand around my wrist

i didn't mean to hurt you
i didn't mean to fly this far away from you
there are seas and continents between us now and skype cannot break this distance

what can you say when tears already flood from my eyes before you're starting
what can i say while i see your heart grow bitter and dark now that my light doesn't touch it

maybe this is nothing but us stopping pretending we can make someone happy
but maybe this is the beginning of the era where no star could ever shine and the sun fades away 'till a thin glow

i stopped crying, my love
one month without you, and my eyes are out of supply
my old life feels like a glove that never fitted
i don't believe you made my hands bigger

but my heart is smaller now
i still hear cracks of little pieces breaking
i still don't know where to go next

I look around
and i see you
but i'm not even
trying to connect

i have lost someone
did you too?
or didn't you have someone to loose to begin with?

i see your face, or your status
i wonder what is going on
but do i dare to ask you?

and if you try to
tell me your sorrows
would i listen?
would i dose of in my mind?

lonely people
i see you, but i don't
i hear your story like i hear background music
i cannot change your lonelyness

you see, i have lost someone
maybe you have too
but if i don't let you in
i will not lose you too

who would have known
a broken heart
was this hard
to carry?

who would have known
memories
could be this
heavy

who would have known
a heart
could be
screaming

who would have known
you
would let me
go?

I once told you if we would ever break up,
i would cry for at least 2 years

well, i don't know about that
but after 2,5 months, my tea still tastes salt
and my pillow is wet

but i know now
it's not about the crying
it's the bleeding
the bleeding inside

you should have just
broken my heart
left me dying
it would have been over by now

but you took a gap out of it
left it bleeding
left me screaming inside

do bleeding hearts dry?
will you one day be a forgotten scar?
and can you become
just another memory?

Love is but a dream
no, not all love, i'm no cynic
but our love

As a dream it's fading away
leaving memories that get more and more confusing
When it's over, you cannot see it clear

Like a dream it seems to have fit between the blink of an eye
though at the time, it was forever

as in a dream, it was perfect
you were perfect, i was just good at
overlooking errors until dawn

love is but a dream
and i beg the universe
if i can go back to sleep again
scream at my pillow to drown out reality
cause i don't want to be
awake
ever again

Go to sleep now
go to sleep
my angry boy

Go to sleep
forget how the world
treated you

Go to sleep now
don't let your anger
poison you

Go to sleep now
and dream
about forgiving

Go to sleep
put your head
on my lap
and sleep

And know
your girl
will always love you

something is broken
the mechanism holding back the tears
is taking a break

your name
your face
our memories
everything turns my face into salt waters

and i don't know why

i should be over you
i should have moved on by now
i don't even like you right now

but just thinking
of you
or thinking about
why my face is wet

and i just loose it
again

i don't know
where i am

i know where i'm supposed to be
i know what i'm supposed to do

i should be
in an airplane
having said goodbye to you in tears
going home but already
counting days until we meet

again

but i'm home already
took an early flight
there were no tears
at the airplane
there were tears
when i was alone

but there's no
date we will meet again

i don't know where you are
your roommate said you
moved along
but did you take me with you?

Is it a crime
to ****?

Is it a crime to ****
an idea?

Is it a crime to ****
an imaginary friend?

But i didn't **** you
He did

But he didn't **** you
you just ceased to exist

Is it a crime to **** your daughter before she is born?
Is it a crime to break her mother's heart?

Is it a crime
to change the future
and make it all
just a dream?

i tend to believe what i dream
while knowing it's irrational
when i'm awake again
i stare wide opened eyes into life
waiting for a sign that proves the stories of the night
right - or wrong
depending what i saw last night
i beg the world to make it true, or prove it all a lie

I need to know my love is real
you are not a simulation
not a frigment of imagination
you're just a boy that loves me
but i tend to not believe that

for 23 years i dreamed about you
i dreamed about a future where i would be together
with a dreamy guy that worships me
of course i don't believe this to be real

you know how many worlds my mind created while i was sleeping
there're several each night
and i am brilliant enough to make most of them wonderful
but never as wonderful as reality which you

and that's why i need you to tell me
to touch me - to kiss me
use every way possible to tell me you are real
because i know - i'm smart enough to have created you
and i don't want you to be
just another dream

Elke keer
dat mijn hart beweegt
voel ik jouw liefde
want mijn hart is niet leeg

Elke hartslag
kom jij dichterbij
vergeet de afstand
tussen ons
te zijn

En als ik adem
zie ik je heel even staan
lang genoeg
om te weten
dat je nog steeds bij mij bent

words

just empty
crazy words

are coming from your mouth
they're filling up the room

words

they're only stupid words

not telling anyone
how you really feel

i remember
the phonecalls
the screams on the other end of the line

the sirens
the doctors
the bad news
the hope

the phone
was ringing ringing ringing
no answer
why were you not there?

the doctor
trying to give me new hope
the machine breathing for my child

and after the nightmare
we went out
and ate pizza

oh, what a great pizza

some day i will teach you dutch
and i will tell you everything
that ever was important to me
in my own language

but not today

some day i will teach you how to ride a bicycle
i will take you to all my favorite places
and i hope that you will
enjoy the wind as much as i do

but not today

some day you will take me to your country
you will show me your culture
and i will taste
your mum's best coffee

but not today

We spend our times just dreaming
dreaming, but being apart
and all the great things
stay in the future

we can't do them today

some day i will take you to the kitchen
and teach you how
to make the best chocolatecake ever
Let's do it today!

say my name
no
say your name
your name sounds better
like music

say it slowly
i want to taste both syllables
i want to hear the word
'lov'

there are 24 hours in a day
no, that's not true
not since i know you

there are some hours in which i sleep
but while awake
there's only one hour
that counts as real

'cause i'm always waiting
from the moment i wake up
until the moment, it's almost time to sleep again
this hour finally appears

and in this hour
i'm begging time to stop
i want to stretch this one hour
until my whole life fits

but it's only 60 lousy minutes
60 wonderful, extacing minutes
and they're going really really fast

And when they're past
i'm left here, waiting
waiting for another day
which has the same short combined moments of time
in which my love
is finally online

Do you ever think that maybe
I am just a product of your fantasy?

Your imagination
Creating someone
almost perfect

almost close enough to touch you
almost sweet enough to kiss.

Do you ever imagine
that i am not real
but only product of your imagination?

And i envy your mind
being able to create me
and still having the patience
of only almost to meet

I haven't been able to sleep since the day i met you
that could have been a real problem
if only i met you

if only i could have stared into your eyes
without two webcams between us
or if i knew
how i felt
when our hands would accidentely touch

if only
i meet you
i'm sure i could sleep again

when the world seems to be falling apart
turn to the creator of things
He's listening
He's loving

And He'll take care of you
no mather what

i broke down 10 years ago
and i never lost the hope
of this world being
without me

i fell down a year ago
and i got to opportunity
of learning how to walk again
being adult

i got sick two months ago
and i got to see the world
time passing by
without me living it

i faced the truth only this week
my capability
of absolutely nothing

my whole world
slowly falling apart
very little pieces
even fighters
sometimes need a break

the black pain inside my bones keeps screaming
and i have nowehere left to hide

the consequence
of failing

of seeing your life
falling slowly apart

and i don't know why
the constant agony
the madness
the fear inside my longs

and i don't know why
i never asked
this question before

and i don't know how
i can stop asking

i don't know why
it's here at all

but what will happen if
i'll never get better?

you'll know already that you apologise tomorrow
for the things you'll do tonight
for the thing you'll say
for the things you won't say
for the things you cannot do

you're so broken
so tired
so much pain is hiding
in the inside of your bones

listen to my soundless screaming
listen to my verbless words
did you ever
experience this much hurt before?

and you know you'll apologise tomorrow
but tonight you'll scream inside
maybe hard enough to forget the pain
for just one
freaking second

't was years ago that i loved you
no, that's not true
i still love you
it's just years ago since i saw your pretty face

't was years ago that you broke me
you left me like broken pieces of a mirror when you cut me out of your life
that cut was hard, and it took me months to regain my shining

't was years ago that i heard from you
that doesn't mean i didn't check your twitter bi-monthly
and i remembered every detail of all the conversations we once had

't was years ago we talked
that one's is true
even though my heart-ache got less, i always kept missing you

today i found your letter
it doesn't matter you adressed it to the whole wide world
i still love you
and i will never see you again
but at least now i know that

you are really happy

the car still smells
like the one conversation
we had there

one of the five times
in a twenty year relationship
we actually talked

and i can't help thinking
who got traumatised more
during that one short conversation?

was it your truth, or was it mine
that was more revealing?
which was the worst to hear?

just as your life
and your words
your trauma was
far in the past

but just as my life
and my words
is my trauma:
still to come

i remember
the last day i was still whole
not knowing
the terrible facts of life

i remember
picking daisies , smiling happy
and i didn't know
the curse on my own family

i remember
that evil day in june
and words changed everything that ever mattered
and words slowly made me strong

the crystal clear tear stared at me from the cheek it was sliding on
i said: why do you care?
the tear just stared, and slowly fell down

as the tear touched the floor
it already was forgotten
but the cheek still was wet
and the mirror a silence witness

at the other end of the gate, the first rainbow in years was right in front of me
it was whole, i could see both it's endings
totally ignoring the storm

i stopped and staired
rainbow, who are you?

i remember the story of Noah
and God telling: never this again

in my own storm, in which i somehow didn't die...
the rainbow was my light at the end of a tunnel
God reminding me he was still in charge
and every rainbow was a reminder of how He saved me

as time passed, the rainbow got a different meaning
it showed the universe approving of diversity
a single gay-parade marching down from heaven

and again, years passed
and a rainbow looking down on me from higher skies
reminding me of....
of what?

i'm probaly still gay
and God is still in charge
and Noah... he was still the last to see a total flood

and it just struck me
how even God sometimes needs a rainbow in order to forget His anger
how big the mess in earthly storms

the rainbow slowly disappeared into the dark
but some day it will be there
to remind me
of something else

you're safe inside me
said the house
no matter you're alone
i'm gonna take care of you

don't mind thunder or hail
rain or sunshine
wind or mist
i'll be around you

i trusted the house
and i figured
i was really safe
this time

but the storm said
i am angry enough to destroy something big
and if you're even kind of happy
i really can't stand you

so the storm blew
and the house tried
but wasn't strong enough
couldn't keep his promise

so i stand alone again
facing the left-overs of my house
and i can't stop wondering
was i wrong to trust it?

the princess
fell asleep
and dreamed about a prince
who saved her.

the prince
was asleep too
and dreamed about
saving a maiden

hold me
i know you're just as gay as i am
and i know we're both so capable of extreme passion

but first
i need you to tell me it's not sin
i need God to be okay with us

and then please
tell my mother how great you are
and tell my church to still like me

i need you to do all that within the next 60 seconds
and then hold me
and never let go

one word
to describe
everything inside me

one word
to show you my heart

how could i ever?
what word would i use?

secret

desire

lonely

poetic

heartbeating

alife

but all these things i'm not
and all these words are just
denying who i am

friend
my dearest
did you ever know
i was in love with you?

friend
my dearest
i never told you
about my desire

friend
my dearest
you never know
*** much i needed you

friend
my dearest
i'm very glad
we are just friends

beautiful
imperfect
i can list a thousand things
that i've done wrong

beautiful
so guilty
there's blackness inside
my heart

beautiful
so tired
strugling to stay alife

beautiful
forgiven
today Christ makes a new start with me

she held her in her arms
two lesbians
finally excepting who they are
finally embracing the love of their lives

ignore the city
with it's angry mob just outside the door
their torches won't burn forever
it's gonna rain, you know

ignore their parents
not giving their daughters away
that just means:
more weddingcake for me

ignore their collegues
jokes aren't funny anyway
and who needs company
during lunch?

two lesbians
madly in love
ignoring the world
as their only option

The yellow streetlight
the skinny girl, fear in her eyes
the man who holds her,
the grip on her wrist

the silent sigh
the unsaid words
and then: a whisper
'i just tried to be myself...'

you want to know why i've been so unhappy? said the flower to the tree
the tree just nodded
he didn't understand the feeling
he could view the whole country,
his branches seemed to touch the sky
and he was always as strong as his own roots..

but the flower intrigued him
the flower that always seemed to be crying
but appeared to be so much smarter then him
the flower was the reason the tree sometimes worried his life wasn't as simple as he thought it was
but whenever he asked, the flower just looked at him
with such sad eyes the tree melted

the flower sighed once, but then stayed quiet
he knew he couldn't share its feelings
the intensity of the emotion would break the tree
he would tremble and then fall and probaly crush the flower while hitting the ground
the flower always knew that while it appeared otherwise, he was the strongest of the two
he was the only one to be able to bear the unbearable

and knowing this made him smile

vlinder....
*** lang blijf jij nog
vleugellam?

vlinder...
weet je dat het lente is?
je zou nu weer moeten vliegen
bloemen en zon

vlinder...
ik weet dat het niet kan
maar zou het willen
het maakt me moe zo verslagen te zijn

vlinder...
je zult een tijdje moeten wachten
dit is jouw lente niet
en niet jouw jaar

vlinder,
wacht maar!
volgend jaar ben ik hier nog
en dan gaan jij en ik samen
vliegen!

we held our thumbs up to the moon
looked at stars during daylight

the planets that you fotographed
the passion that we shared

you used to write and i used to listen
i used to write, to hear you say how i was briliant

we were both teenagers
thinking rainbows could have mercy

thinking you and i
might work



we did work
as long as we kept believing it did

as long as we made up our own rainbow
and painted intire skies

starend naar een grijze muur
behalve leegte, alleen maar leegte

starend naar de regen
niets natter dan mijn ogen

starend naar de lege fles
niemand ooit zo nuchter

starend naar de muur
zoveel leegte
zoveel hoop

if i were a poet
what would i write about

you?

if i were a poet
what would i possibly say?

would i talk about your

eyes?
your hair?
the way you use your words?

i wouldn't
all i would say was
the way you made me feel

but i ain't a poet
can't put this into words
but i feel great.

if i'd ever paint a lake
i'd paint it cold
i'd paint it frozen
without flowers, without sun

if i'd ever paint a lake
i'd think about
how cold you made me
how i'll never again feel hope

if i'll ever paint a lake
i'll paint you
and everything you've done

i wish we had a song we shared together
so i could listen it over and over again
and then delete it

but all of my musics sounds like you
we shared our lifes together

from now on every time i'll hear a song
it will be ours
and i'll miss you
like hell

i've been listening sad lovesongs all to long
and i'd gave them all to make things right
and i'd gave more
if i knew it still could change things

saying i love you won't be enough
saying i love you won't make it right
it won't be right again

i've been the biggest fool ever
having you in my arms and didn't even care
but the hard part is
i deserve this

and suddenly it all became this mess
i wish i could stop your leaving
i wish you left something behind

i'll never take you for granted again
i promise
i'll never not try my very best again
i promise

but promising isn't enough this time
and if you don't believe me, i can't blame you
i can't blame
it's all my fault

i wish i could take back
all

was it the lighntening in your eyes that hit me?
was it the lonelyness in me?
i started dreaming us together
and i've been dreaming ever since

was it the moon that brought us together?
was it written in the stars?
i started thinking us together
and i thought of it ever since

was it the lonelyness inside me?
was the moon just in my head?
i wanted us to be together
and i'll want us ever since

everday you'll say it gets better
though it only gets worse
tomorrow is always a promise of live getting better
but when today arives, you still feel sad and num, and find yourself thinking it's no use.

feeling sad
and every day a little bit sadder but you don't know why
this was going to be the most perfect year yet
your body is aching and you feel betrayed
your soul's aching and i feel...
horriefied

but then everything turns num again
and i just stare in the distance and wish it was night, and nothing else but sleep was intresting
but today is day, and i know there are things that need attention
ignorance builds a bigger hell.

my favorite poems don't cheer me up any more
sad songs are made of just words
and not your ten degree room, but your soul feels cold
and i wish i had a place to be homesick to.

and there she is again
overdwelming,
roaring in my soul

i welcome her
as an old friend
someone once dearly loved

she knows our departions will never be forever
she moves in her place naturally,
as if we've never split

she takes my hand and leads me
to the darkest corners of my soul
she presents herself as light, although we both know

how deceiving
how perfect is your love, my love

it was not you that took me
it was me that gave myself away

i love you, my love
and yet i know you do not know that word

i know the word love is, for you as empty as my soul
is now to me

again you've taken everything
and you despite me for loving you for it

but it's so hard to keep my eyes dry
as you hurry away

and my now empty soul is screaming
for you to come back, and take some more

rots
water
zee

langzaam
word ik afgebrokkeld
de zee vecht

ik kan alleen maar

blijven staan

i wish you missed me too

i know you don't
only so little time has passes

i know you don't
you'd be here if you did

and i'd wish
-oh, how can i know what i wish?
i've never seen a place more confusing then my heart

i wish you missed me too

but more then that
i wish i didn't miss you

she
watched him
as he did the breakfast-dishes
walked out the door
not noticing her face

she
went out
looking everywhere
for a peace of hope on a face

he
riding his car
did not know
what the word 'love'
meant

me
seeing her face
not noticing the meaning
of the things that didn't change

he
coming home
only asks what she made for dinner

she
watching him eat
couldn't explain
why her food turned cold

evening
even colder then the day before
and she
embraced
her nothingness