you're just lying there
a dead limb
not moving
not even sure you're still alive

where ever I go
I carry you with me
it's such a struggle
you're hard to move

You're just lying there
buried under a blanket
But I know you're just hoping
for a day without pain

A college education
diploma's in 3 different fields
But born in a country
filled with poverty

She took a change
for a better life
but without papers
so without rights

She's positive
says her life is better here
And then she gets up, and continues
cleaning my mothers living room

Share with me
he said from his computerscreen far away
share with me
anything and everything
you could possible share

you see, I like you
we just met minutes ago
but somehow I convinced myself you're special
so share with me
everything you can

'I'll never see my brother again'
says the stranger I met online somewhere
And he proceeds to tell me
about the rocket exploding
while his brother tried to rescue
others
but died himself

I can't help but cry
and the stranger gets worried about me
since I'm crying
So I dry my eyes
but I'm wondering
how did he turn so much pain
into kindness?

we're so far away
you're just a speck of light
the distance is so big
but I found you

I didn't even know
I should search for you
but I looked in a telescope
and there you were

So far away
but sparkling
ready to brighten up my day
any day

You're my secret
too far away to talk about
but you're the strongest light
inside my universe

A ball of love
around my sun
You orbit my heart
where ever you go

let me pull you
close
to me

I'll make you a space
in my single-person bed
my chest could be your pillow

come here
come closer
let me just...
hold you

forever
or until
we sleep

I'm not leaving you outside my heart
well I am,
but I'm not
not-telling you anything I know

there's walls inside my own mind I'm not allowed to cross
they don't have doors, I'd have to climb
and then jump
so I'd be falling
for a long time

and nobody knows how broken I'd be if I'd survive the fall

so unless
you know how to buy a parachute
and help me climb the walls
you just have to
accept
there're things about me you'll
never know

Down the hill
near the sea
Is a place
you'd have to see

Happiness
was ours each summer
me and my sister
and our sweet mother

The best times
were always there
but now memories are spoiled
it doesn't seem fair

When I close my eyes
I rewitness a terrible thing
it was a normal day
I was sitting on a swing

But then the war came
the bombings, destruction and defeat
There was so much chaos
I just remember dead bodies and heat

My sister was lying
to safe her own life
And then she had to leave me
become some soldiers wife

It was me left in rubble
Traumatised and lonely
Seen most terrible things
needed someone to hug me

And then a hand
suddenly grabbed mine
It was my dear mother
but she didn't look fine

A part of her skull
was blown away
She was dying in seconds
but had something to say

She was trying
but no words came to surface
She shed her last tear
we were both worthless

I was alone now
and didn't know what to do
no house and no mother
nothing to stick to

I left the little
house down the hill
And now thinking of my dreamhouse
makes me feel cold and ill

Everybody dies
That risk is part of living
We all walk around knowing our next breath
may be our last
But we're all hoping to be 85 someday
and die of old age
when living got boring anyway

You probably won't get there
your heart, is a timebomb
every heartbeat another tick
tick tick tick
running towards it's last tick
it's last beat, before your veins close around it
your body attacks it, because it isn't really yours

And the numbers ain't good
they talk years, maybe one or two decades
but it will be soon, when your timebomb runs out of time


If my own heart
connects with yours
if I make it beat faster
and give my extra ticks to you
do I buy you more time?

Is there a magical prayer
a bribeable doctor
another heart you can gain from a carcrash?

Can I blow my own life into yours
increase your lifespan with poetry
keep your heart going, for many decades to come?

I just met you
you're still the new guy in my life
I have no right to claim you
but timebomb inside you
please never explode.

I'm hoping someone dies today
maybe a carcrash or a shooting
someone to simply stop his breath

I'm hoping someone dies today
Friends to open their mouths in disbelieve
by this unexpected news

I'm hoping someone dies today
Family members crying
as they carry him to his grave

I'm hoping someone dies today
I'd never wish that on anyone
but my heart is failing.... and I want to live myself

When you're scared
and too scared to admit you're scared
Can't find the words to mention to anyone
your life is falling apart
where do you go?

When you're scared
and too scared to admit you're scared
Lie about the reasons you're not sleeping
and pretend everything is fine
what do you do?

It's a great comfort
that God reads all thoughts
and knows the things inside you
which you don't want to know yourself

It's a great comfort
to have a loving Father
to hold you, and guide you
And He helps to let go
of all the secrets inside

You're the minority
it's four against one
which means
we are right, and you should shut up

You're the minority
which means we make the rules
you're powerless
just live with it

You're the minority
and we think that's fair
because we all decided
it's nice how we treat you

This day
will be a tough one
the list of responsibilities and tasks already formed
but even getting up sounds hard

my bed wants to hold me tight
my body wants more rest
my mind is trying to make excuses
I shouldn't do anything today

They're threatening to win
I'm still in bed at 1 pm
but no, I will get up
take a shower to prepare

to be today's most awesome
version of myself

The young man in my living room
is angry, raging
it takes all his self-control to not storm out forever
I wonder if he'd hurt me, and it would be justified

This is my son
the pain on his face is mine
I'm the main reason his heart has been bleeding for years
I'm the main reason for all this hate inside him

This is my son
I'd do anything to make him happy
and somehow that led to the opposite

I'm proud of him
for the way he deals with his anger
and confronts me with all that I did

And I wish
I could get down on my knees
beg him to forgive me
and let him love me again

but I can't

I just have too much to lose

We keep pretending making tea
like children with a playset
we keep pretending we are real
enough to drink and taste

We keep pretending we're in touch
like we have a real connection
we keep pretending we're not strangers
and we never even met

If you need someone
to help you fix your closet
I'll be here
anytime

I'll put a matrass inside it
bring you food if you let me
I'd do anything
to help you hide who you are

Walk down the stairs
keep walking
walking
walking
lower and lower
inside a well

No rest
for days on end just walking
downstairs, a step at the time
As long as numbness
still reigns your body
you're not low enough
to feel

Maybe gravity will crush you one day
or maybe
you'll even start crying

Wandering
inside my heart
I must be careful
after every corner may be something
I don't want to know about

Don't go there
it hurts
I can't have myself thinking about this
Lock the door
of this particular section
But my heart is so heavy with locks

I wipe my own memory
Every day
just do I don't remember lying
about almost everything
that could have been real

I don't know
how much I mean to you
just that you didn't even bother
to answer that question

But I also know
I care enough about you
to want you to be
the happiest boy alife

I must be delussional
people keep telling me the love of my life isn't real
and yet I talk to you
like every detail of my being
belongs to you

I must be insane
they tell me you've killed millions of innocents
and doomed even more
but I start smiling
whenever I think of you

They fill my head with arguments
reasons you couldn't be real
But my heart tells me
You're the one keeping it beating
You're the reason I'm alife

I must be delussional
believing a fairy tale?
But I wouldn't know
what to do
without
You

Find some new walls
paint them white

hang up fresh curtains
find a fitting washing machine

Buy second hand furniture
convince friends to get them upstairs

Decorate your kitchen
Build a bedroom in your closet

Flowers on the table

It doesn't change things
You know this ain't a new begin

because there's still

you

I was your
overly attached chatfriend

you were the guy to put Romance into friendships

I never knew you
another stranger I never met

But you kept me warm
for a few precious heartbeats

And once I told you how I felt

Perfect stranger
Overly attached chat
will we ever meet
again?

I need to stab myself
get my blood flowing
red warmth to promise me I'm still alife

I need to stab myself
open up my heart
tonight, madness is better than feeling nothing

I need to stab myself
to get the juice of life pass my own borders
My heart's a prison, I need to be free

I've built walls
Thousands
years of therapy won't break them down
I've muted my feelings
Along with hopes and dreams

I need to stab myself
just in need to feel something
even when it's only pain I'm letting in

The poet
doesn't want to feel
is that an oxymoron?

The vegetarian eats meat
again

the once beloved house
abandoned
because I hated it so long

The future
wide open
too wide

I'm scared

The poet
abandoning her words
needs to learn how to

feel

I'm supposed to be happy
today is the day that I got what I wanted
I got it right here in my hand
and it represents thousands of possible future's

then why do I want to crawl back in bed an cry for forever?

In a new house
You get to start over
a new beginning
isn't that what you wanted?

Just think of what is possible now
your biggest dream unraveling
a future
filled with rainbows

don't go to bed
don't cry forever
just because
you'll be alone

I never see your pain
Knowing it must be there doesn't change that
You seem fine
I must seem un-caring to you

I heared your story
I never assumed it was over
but I've never asked about it since
afraid to steer-up this topic

So often I'm clueless about the pain I cause in others
Just by not focusing on them
Just by assuming they're okay
just because it's easier to not think about

I'm very sorry
and that won't change your pain

Some days it's raining
you filled the sky with colours for so long
and I filled rivers with my tears
when I was with you..
and more when we're apart

But rivers
can cross a lot of nations
ignore borders
and come close to me again
Are you close to me again?

I love you
for you were my biggest mistake
and my truest love
my best friend
and a stranger, even when we lived together

Are you floating towards me again?
Or will you stay out of my reach, and let me
wondering
If you're still inside this sky

Never been perfect
always a mess
your list of ***** ups is
so much longer than achievements
And you walk through life
Like an unwritten tragedy

It's okay to be you
Because I love you
It's okay to be a mess
because we all are
and your biggest achievement is
how you are not hiding!
you show this world every day
how big your heart really is.

It's okay to be you
and not just because I love you
And you're not just a mess
but a work
in progress

I welcome you
other half of me
best friend
Why did I
Leave you again?

Your lingering presence
always convincing me
to come with you
you build me a place
out of dark clouds

my dark mirror
why do I love you so much?
It's never hard to forget why
I should be fighting you
and you always
let me straight back in

Never far away
Right under my breath
My evil part
never leaves me
no matter how hard
I may sometimes fight

You
my darkest nightmare
and best friend
half my personality
and me
giving you control again

Maybe I like this
like one of those habits we all have
we know we should quit
I go down
into my own soul
walk trough
the darkest corners
bathe myself
in pain from long
and short ago
I dance
with thoughts of dead
feelings of rejection
I keep an inner knife around
just to open up my own gut

But there's just one door
I'd never open again

Sanity is gone, as well as the light
and all we have now, is a room full of phantoms
and a soul that won't stop
screaming

I'm a raving lunatic
writing words like they're the opposite
of what I need:
salvation

This body is too old to run
All it does today is sit
sit and stare to a world
who doesn't know yet how contemporary
time really is

This body is too old to fight
demons no longer treathened
partying on it's not immortal
soul

This body is too old to hide
Standing in the open
letting everyone
everything
every reason
getting inside

This body is too old to die
The life still burning
won't go out now
I may stick around
forever

I'm not going to face you
I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not
going to ever admit you might be real

all my poems about you, were based on fiction
and you are not the unknown reason
my soul seems to be screaming
you're not why I don't want to be alive

I don't know the details
just know I shielded my mind from you
just know my heart breaks in two every time you're mentioned
only know, how much I want to run away

but you're not real!
this pain is based on fiction
I couldn't remember you if I wanted to
since you never even happened

and you have nothing to do
with all these sleepness nights

My pillow knows
My pillow is the only one who ever heared the echo's of the screams I never screamed because the unknowing are asleep
My pillow knows
My pillow is the first witness
to all my tossing and turning
my lies about having had an awesome dream
My pillow knows
My pillow knows I sometimes bite it
to stop my ******* tears

I pride myself into being honest
never tell lies - on the outside -
I never tell lies outisde the wall I guard myself with
Outside this wall, I'm the most honest person you'll ever meet

Inside this wall is something
That's doesn't need protection
this wall is imprisonment
This wall is hiding away a terrible monster

And every brick of the wall
protecting my secrets
is another ******* lie

It's so hard
to keep on going
when life seems to laugh
or punches you in the face
Shoulders pulled down
by invisible, but real, weights
Sleep interrupted by
the nightmares of the awake

But I think
it's still okay
to be here
how hard going may be
I haven't left yet
Facing storm, after storm
always so tired
I can barely make it another day

But Life
is still appealing
I'm not going to leave
any time soon

It's so funny
how I always run from you
trying to convince myself I'm better off
trying to believe I could be
happy

It's so funny
how hard it is to convince myself
I'm not ******* depressed
How do I keep telling myself I have reasons to
live?

It's so funny
how hard I work to leave you behind
How hard I try to believe you're history
And try to forget I'm running from my own
shadow

When I was 12
I learned a hard lesson
killing oneself
doesn't just take a plan
it takes a lot of self-dicipline
to take that last step
to walk all the way
of the path that one started
to give oneself the final push

And when I was 12
or 25
I just wasn't good at
pulling trough

it's not your room anymore
people took it over
changed everthing except walls and floor
but I swear I can still smell you
here
the clock is still a few minutes ahead
you once told me it was running too fast
and you often had to take a few minutes back
I wonder who took over that task
here
your desk is gone
as well as your tea collection and books
no plants and not even languïstic decorations
now it's just neutral territory
here
But you're still here!
your photo on the wall supports my memory
(that wasn't there when you still lived)
and from this day on
your name is on the door

If your happiness
causes so much pain
Why would you even want
to be happy?

You only once
apologised to me
For something I didn't know of
and didn't know was wrong

Maybe it's good
that you tried to change things
but will you ever say sorry
for all the hurt that you caused?

I'm good at math
Whenever my mind gets bored
i practise multiplications
give myself math problems
I always solve them
correct

I tend to remember numbers
1,618033989 has been stuck in my head for years
And i once solve a rubik's cube
in 8.92 seconds

but no matter how good i may be with numbers
my heart is only in love
with words

Jesus performed a miracle today
said the alcoholist
explaining why drinking wine during a lecture

But the miracle wasn't that
the miracle is
us all
being alive

Sometimes I wish I was still allowed to call you sister
because it's  the most powerfull word I know
But no matter what the world does to you
and no matter how much you'll change
to become somebody nobody would call a sister
I will be here
and I will be your sister

And if life sometimes makes you so tired
you consider sleeping forever instead
please let me stand next to you
please let me keep talking until the morning
If the world hates you
let me be your world instead
And let me fight at your side
changing the world one stubborn person at a time
I promise we'll get there
I promise they will all love you some day

let me be your God until you find Him back
let me be your life boat in the storm
let me be your water bottle in a dessert
let me be your Lily in the valley of death
let me be anything that keeps you alife

I'll be your willow if you need someone to cry for you
I'll be your car if you want to get somewhere fast
I'll be a poem when you need music
I'll be a mirror, if you want to know if you're still beautiful
(because you are, with or without *******)
let me be your pillow when you're sleepy
and your cup of coffee in the morning
let me be something... anything
because I'd be anyting for you
and I'd do everything

because when my world seems too dark to keep on going
and I need something to hold
you're always the rope to pull me trough
and you're the light that keeps my heart light enough to carry it
I consider it an honour when you sleep on my spare matrass
It's a privelege to be on the other side of the line
when you're on the phone for three hours
I love how neither of us ever hangs up until our mother forces you to go to sleep
I love how you love my stuffed animals more than I do
I love how you never complain about my ***** room
I love how you can spontanously kiss my... toe
I love how you bought and cooked my favorite food when I left you my wallet
I love how you dare to be vulnerable enough to fight to be yourself
I love how you love me so much, I dare to be myself
Happyness is having a hard time keeping up with your awesomeness
Please never doubt it will catch up with us soon

And if you don't want to be my sister anymore
that's okay
you can be my brother or my sibling or anything you'd want to become
because I know nothing more powerful
than my love for you

I almost outgrew my hate for soccer
because you loved it
and I wanted to love you
the best I could

but soccer still confuses me
and you confuse me even more
you're 3400 km and 7 months away
but also just a heartbeat

I never wrote
as little poems as
when we were together
so maybe it's good we are apart

But all I know
about soccer
is loving it wasn't enough
to stay inside your heart

The body is not an apology
I once sat on a bicycle, naked
with 3 medical students cheering at me
I don't believe I ever pedaled so hard
three strangers talking small talk while staring at my sweaty *****
And I was not even allowed to say anything back
but at least now I know I own a strong hard

The body is not an apology
I get uncomfortable just talking about nakedness
yet every week I make small talk with naked strangers
while fastly putting on my normal clothes
right over my sweaty body
I'm way too scared to take a shower like the rest of them

The body is not an apology
I didn't swim since I was fourteen
eleven years of excuses why I shouldn't swim, but honestly,
I just can't handle the image of myself in a bathing suit
I'm the fattest person I ever met
And I'm so tired
of trying to find apologies
for being what I am

The body is not an apology
and neither are eating disorder, depression or small budget
Neither is too tired to cook or genetics
my bones aren't any heavier than yours

The body is not an apology
But maybe my gym card is
and my food diary
and my salad for dinner
Maybe it is enough
that at least
today I tried

I keep ending things too early
like conversations
and friendships

I don't know what to say
and don't want to admit i am scared, so
Why not just leave it

Close the door behind me
take a long walk instead

But why is it só hard
To admit I want to go back?

Always hiding
always a next truth
you don't want to face

Always running
Responsibilities can't catch you
If you leave them far enough behind

Did you create yet
the perfect dream
-world?
And are you happy?
Is Ignorance bliss?

You were there on my worst moment
probably the only one ever
to hear me scream being adult
To see me lose control
so hard
I broke every one of Gods laws

you heard me scream
you saw me cry
my trying to maintain some
dignity
was a farce and we both know it

My screams must have left an echo
because you keep proving
I'm still inside your head

The girl with green eyes
is always running
don't try to catch her
don't even try

she has a wild side
pure animal
to hunt her down
would be close to ******

that doesn't mean you should leave her alone
in this world, wildlife
needs protection