If you were here
I'd tell you about the candle I made
how it changes colours on the inside.
I'd tell you about the idea I have for a present to my brother
and ask you if my plan isn't too much.

If you were here
I'd tell you that I have to call somewhere to change an apointement
You know how nervous I get around phones
You'd tell me to just do it
and it would be alright

If you were here I'd tell you about left and right brain hemispheres
because I heard a podcast about that today, and I like sounding smart to you.
I've also been thinking lately
about the relation between trust and facts, and what implications they have.

If you were here I'd tell you that I dreamed about green beans
so now I'm going to eat green beans, even though I hate them.
I also dreamed about my grandmother.
My sister said she's moving, if that's true she will be closer to me.

If you were here
I would tell you how worried I am
because there was an earthquake, and now my best friend won't come online
you're the person I'd share that with.

But I guess
I wouldn't say any of that, if you were here now.

Not before I'd hug you, very very tight.

The moment
one bullet
entered your back

a thousand
bullets
crushed my heart

If you were a flower
I'd press you in a book
dry you
save you in this moment

I could go back
forever
and you would still be
as perfect
as you are today

I could still smell you
enjoy your beauty
and be with you
just for now

If you were a flower, I'd save you and this moment forever
I could always pick up the book
start reading again
timetravel to the little time
you bloomed for me

but you're a snowflake
I can't hide you in a book about you
you'd melt within seconds
I will not be able to save you
I will never go back to knowing how it feels
to know you well

I don't even know you well
you're just a snowflake
and you will twirl in the wind
away

your mind
is a balloon

I only
let go
for half a second

The shadow shows herself to her
Her own lines
the words that hurt the most
He looks at her, and says:
You didn't hurt enough
Let's read this poem together
Let's live this poem together
feel the pain all over again

The shadow means well
He wants to understand
But she doesn't want to go back
She doesn't have to go back
She's still in that moment
she's still on that floor
she's still screaming from pain
Trying to reach her phone to reach an ambulance

The shadow wants to know her past
she wants it to know her
she wants to be known
But she doens't want to know
She has to look forward
or she'll stay in the past forever.

2 years, a month, and 9 days after I saw you last,
I found 'our song' on youtube.
Now I'm listening to it for the first time
since I'm not with you.

The words are still sweet,
but has the melody always been this sad?
And if it was, did we pick it, because we would always
know it wouldn't work?

I haven't seen you since august 3, 2014.
The morning that I got in an airplane.
The morning that I no other option but to leave you,
even though it felt like I was leaving my life behind.

You left yourself too.
Left your roommate to deal with the leftovers.
Your clothes, your laptop, even your both your passports.
Looking back, I have no idea which version was really you.

But when I left you,
I could have gone back.
I knew the airport, the bus, and the walk to your apartement,
forgiving you could have been my next mistake.

When you left you,
you left me too.
You left my backspace.
My loneliness had been finalized.

Even though we finished, it felt unfinished.
Weeks after I left you ceased to exist.
Your memory got hazy by my teary eyes,
and all the mist of your lies.

There are rumours,
you either became a boat refugee or got married.
You're supposed to be in both Greece and Germany.
And your real name, was even something else.

I suppose I stopped missing you, over time,
but maybe I never became whole again.
I left a part of me with you, and I will never know
where you are.

I don't remember much
my youth
the lake
fresh blood
his eyes

The pain
the scream that left me
and all the screams that stayed inside
his firm grip handcoffing my wrists
bruises

The fear
of not being in control
helplessness at a time I should
protect myself
guilt


The silence
twenty years of silence
of not dealing with a memory
ignoring facts until they dissapeared
living my life as an aftershock
waiting for those last moments between disaster and death

I don't know what happened
I refuse to remember, even now
but that was the day
the sun went out

All was going to be all right
we were fighting all day but
that was over now
I walked you to work
and we both thought that would be a good new tradition
you even offered to buy me chocolate
but the idea of you buying something on the Lord's day was still a bit too much for me
walking back to your house was my first time in your city alone outside
my skirt swirling in the wind
I had promised to marry you and was trying so hard to make myself believe that was the right step
that wasn't fair but I didn't want to

lose you

I came home to find your door locked
the password of your laptop changed
your best friend randomly came by, and it felt like checking
if I obeyed all your rules

I don't want to write down this story
I want to keep believing
our love was good enough
until the end

So close to the end I made small talk with your roommate
I would convince you later that was okay
You shouldn't have been jealous
We ended up bonding
Sharing African music
talked about the books I read
his strange views on religion

It was the one evening
I didn't feel alone
It was the one evening
I could be myself

I thought I could live with you
in the country you hated
in the house that was falling apart
I thought I could fight your anger
Replace it with my love
If I just had one friend

With your roommate, i didn't have to force myself
to not see almost everything
I could finally be myself again
he wasn't forcing me to change me
I liked my own version better

I still don't know
why you left work
was it to check on me?
or should I believe the petty excuse I don't remember
but you were there
an angry monster
my lover gone
the hate had finally taken over
I wonder what you saw
what is this evening like from your perspective?
Were you just as scared when you started to shout to me?
Do you also still feel the grip of your strong hands around my wrist?
Did you sense then, how close we were to domestic violence?
Do you know, that whenever i remember that moment
I'm really scared of you?

I don't remember what you said
you were done
would take me to the airport
but that was it
I wouldn't leave
my return ticket was booked for months from now
after we were supposed to get married
Was I really that young last year?

You told me, that if I didn't leave
you would
that crazy scheme to leave the country illegally we fighted about so often
was still possible
you'd leave me alone in a country so strange to me
I couldn't even catch a bus

Instantly, I knew for sure
your roommate would keep me safe
and I was way to smart to be completely helpless
but I also knew it wouldn't be fair to ask
or to impose

around 4 am
your anger was cooling down
enough to tell me I could stay
but by then
we were waiting for the first bus to the airport
I was finally smart enough to not go back
I was smart enough to leave you

but three airports later
my head got all confused in the skies
My highest phone bill ever
hour long long distance calls
I couldn't leave you yet

You left yourself
your city and your country
fled (again) from your own life
became nothing but a not-working phone number
and an awful lot of unprocessed memories

Laag na laag
verberg jij je
je verhult je
in fabels en verhalen
in halve waarheden
en stilzwijgend oneens zijn

Laag na laag
verhul jij je
totdat je zelf denkt
dat je een ui bent
pittig, maar stinkend
lekker, maar nooit om in de fruitschaal te doen

Laat jezelf zien
laag voor laag
onthul jezelf
laat zien wat jij te bieden hebt

Vouw je uit
laat eindelijk je kleuren zien
elke dag iets meer
en ruik
je eigen bloemengeur

Totdat jij eindelijk weet
dat je een roos bent
die in de mooiste vaas mag staan

A man died for his God today
took some others with him
decided their fate
and made the world
just a little more broken

A man stood before God today
His life is over
or just beginning
depending on what God says
He says I can't leave it like this

you caused pain
increased suffering
there's a world down there screaming for justice
He says I can't leave it like this

I see your heart
it's dark
but also broken
I know your pain
and how it came to this

A man died for his God today
he left a world behind
screaming for justice

but a God died for men some day
He died for this man
He died for this mess
He died for justice
but mostly for love

Echo's
is all there is left
we're fading
a small place in history
we're now
only
a memory
but I keep hearing
echo's
of the days
we were in love

For those who are sad
for whatever reason
There is a God
who will wipe your tears

For those who need
justice
which this earth will not provide:
God will give it

And for the hungry:
God will provide
food
each day

For those who miss
someone who loved them
and now have to face this world alone:
God is with you

Don't be afraid for lonelyness
Because if you know the Lord
you will never be alone

Ik neem
niet graag afscheid
iemand in mijn hart
blijft daar
voor altijd

Maar jij
zo hard en streng
deed altijd je best
niet te veel te voelen

Jij
sluit je hart
af
alsof het een deur is

ik ben niet meer nodig
dus jij
zonder een woord
verdwijnt
voorgoed

You never saw daylight
I kept you inside
safe
not for you

but for me
and the village and everything near me
and everything dear to me
and everything else

you never saw daylight
locked up in deep cellars
chained and held quiet
misunderstood

You never saw daylight
because if you would
you would fly over the world
spitting fire, wrecking everything

you'd be roaring and roaring
hurting and destroying
I don't trust your self-control
so I hide you inside

You're not a dragon
or a villain
you're much more dangerous
you're my own heart

I can't find a box big enough
Emotion
I'm not supposed to deal with
Words
that never form a line

I started running
the path
still visible
trackmarks of me
crawling
nowIi'm going the other way

forget Progress
forget Opening yourself up
forget
all
Hope

keep running
you didn't come far yet
it's easy
to reach me
the safe zone

here you don't need
to deny
anything
but you

I love you
I feel your pain, you're hurting
you're hurting
it hurts so much I might explode

I'm not with you
I can't break the distance between us
I can't inject happiness into your bloodstream
I can't even give you hope.

I'm with you
your tears are echoing on my face
We're both alone
and so so lonely

Please let me stay with you
so you can stay with me.

Dit is niet echt
je mag het vergeten
Wat niet hardop gezegd
nooit hardop gezegd
bestaat niet
een herinnering
naar iets wat je droomde
je mag het vergeten
jij bent de schrijver
dit is jouw leven
als het niet echt is
is het niet echt
gebeurd zonder gebeuren
je mag het ontkennen
maar dat hoeft net
want het is al niet echt
als jij het nooit
hardop
toegeeft
zal dit nooit
echt
zijn gebeurd

It's all coming
the world
responsibilities
it's full of it.

It's all coming
the pressure
your life
make something of it.

It's all coming
stress and worries
pain and fear
and it's okay.
You know you have to go through it.
You know there is no other way.
And it's worth it - you know that too.

It's all coming
but right now it's all still far away
right now you get to rest.
So hit the button
and snooze.

Strong girl,
you're not half as messed up
as you think

Strong girl,
you're a work in progress
but you're working
so that's fine

Strong girl
you'll figure out your problems at some point
but today
all you need
is to smile

Doe je zorgen weg
er is genoeg wind
blaas ze weg
en vergeet ze

Haal die last
van je schouders
en voel weer
*** licht het is

*** licht je bent
als je alleen jezelf
nog maar dragen moet
Vederlicht

3 days of silence
of hoping
fearing
what's going on?

Your name
is so big in my mind
your silence
has never been this long

All I know
is what you told me
the promise I now hope
you didn't keep

All I know is
they will not tell me
if my fears are true

Silence
will be my last answer

This is my monster
my biggest weakness
my achilles heel
my fatigue

it's a tiger
inside me
always awake
I always have to be careful
walk on tip toes around it

this is my monster
it keeps me captive on the couch
it blames me
whenever I did something
I blame me
whenever I didn't do something

we're always fighting
I'm tired
of always battling my fatigue

It's me
I came for a visit
hope that's okay

No, I know
you don't recognise me
A strange lady
I bet you don't even like

But you and I
we have a lot in common
I'm you
but it's twenty years later

And it's time
it's finally time
I want to ask you
how you feel

How are you coping
with school and at home
I know you have friends
but why do you feel
so lonely?

And what can I do to help?

It's been years
since I saw you
I try to focus on my future
I don't like to think too much about you

But you're still here
you're with me
affecting my choiches
affecting my mood

I know you are lonely
so let me be your friend now
we'll deal with our presents
and we'll never be alone

A part of me is still on that floor
lingering
where my body was
laying
I get cold when I think of the agony

A part of me is still over there
near my pc
desperately crawling
minutes going faster than meters
I couldn't stop myself from screaming

6 months later
injuries still healing
but a part of me
stayed down there
never got up

My phone was just too far

Don't lie
it's not raining
it never rains
inside

The emotion
you never try to feel
it's here

This is just
you
crying
about the past few months


Don't flee
don't add today to the pile off
undealt emotion
don't add to your own weight
with chocolate

Don't hide
Accept that you are feeling
Accept that life is hard
stay in your emotions
and deal with them
today

If feel so lonely
the last time we didn't talk for 7 weeks
was before you learned
how to even talk

There's too many stories
I didn't tell you
Too many problems
I couldn't share

I made life changing decisions
without discussing them with you
So much is happening
but you have no idea

There's a wall between us
you told others to tell me
I shouldn't call anymore
I don't know
if that caused more anger
or pain

I can't reach you
I'm waiting for you
to give some signal
I cry every time
I miss our conversations

I can't break this wall
is it my stubbornness
or yours
telephones
versus what'sapp

If I could reach you
could I overcome my stubbornness
And tell you
how much I care

And if you
would try
to reach me
would I
pick up my phone?

Pain
is always
the worst
pain ever
right now

reality is
always
stronger than the past

self pity
should I let you in
self pity
perhaps today I deserve you
wasn't today hard enough?
can't I wallow in sadness
and beg my friends for attention?

self pity
for now I'll keep you on arm-lenght
because I want you
but I like you
a little too much

I'll sleep
trough your day
and you'll wake
in my night

Our words are
long distance
they travel
so fast

We talk
about hugging
but it's unlikely
we'll ever touch

Dear stranger
I just met you
so why do you feel
like a friend?

Dear stranger
I love you
this should
never end

Still, there are days
all the Andrea Gibson poems remind me of you
you were the one who made me love them
at first only because I loved you

I was never good enough for you
an everlasting dissapointment in the corners of your life
A needy friend, never offering you support herself
while we all knew your life was harder

I was jealous of everyone who read your blog
and of every personal message on twitter (I only joined twiiter because you asked me too)
And lousy friend or not, you were always on my mind
I begged the world on a daily base to treat you better

But had no idea how to do that myself
I was so young, back then, and you so filled with wisdom
you taught me how to be myself, even when you weren't you yet

Years later,
you're still the person I loved the most
and I'd still die for you if you'd ask me
but we haven't been in touch for years
and your life went in all kind of directions I  could never go

Years later,
I still love you
and a big part of me knows
I always will



You're still with me every now and then
walking trough my head to remind me
of all our hour long conversations
I'm still convinced I was a fool for hurting you
and it's still too bad you're out my life

Your picture, in my wallet
8 years ago, you look so innocent
so different from how I remember you
but so peaceful I want to ask you to protect you

I often dream of meeting you again
But it wouldn't happen - you live in Sweden now
and it wouldn't work - I am no where near awesome enough for you

You and I became ancient history
but I'll be always greatful
for that day in the zoo, where we met.

You were born to dance
run free in the wind
don't tie yourself
you shouldn't get stuck in one place

This kite
is not a dancer
it barely noticed the wind
for many many years

The kite is stuck
******* on a lamp post
cold and lonely
but scared to let go

Kite, cut yourself free
let the next breeze
lift you high
and let you be you

I want to love you like
you
loves cigarettes

Whatever they give you
you mix it with the air
you're sending down to your longs
you must at least suspect they're poisonous
that doesn't seem to matter
they're going right into
your mouth

and that
is how much
I want to love
you

Fill your heart with black and white
It's looks
sophisticated
like you're a grown up

stay clear of grey
that would suggest you
are trying to change yourself

forget bright lights
ever existed
and keep the colours from your mind

It's both too early
and
too late

but you didn't tell me
anything

left me to guess
is your history a landmine?
Did the world hurt you just as bad
as it hurted me?

You didn't say

All you said was
it's both early and late

and kept the rest
a mystery

You're so hard to peel
layer after layer
and all make my eyes tear

It's okay
if that's just how you are
But I worry you're afraid
your inside
has just not enough to give

I hardly ever give anyone a piece of my mind
I want to keep it
I grew up believing smartness was all I had
and all I have to give

I'm learning about my heart the hard way
carried it around like a lump inside me
not understanding why it was so heavy
and not using it's capabilities

It had a room for love
but no one told me how that works
I put hate and grief in it instead
until it was so heavy I wore myself down

I have a big heart
and the stuff I put in wasn't light
but I'm cleaning up now
not planning on keeping it empty

I'm planning on learning how to love
and I'll share my love with everyone
so my heart
will never overflow

Just a few more meters
she tells herself, she has to
no one else will tell her what to do
this time, it's just her, lying on the floor

Just a few more meters
her leg immobolised
she has to lift it with her arms
but she has to get there soon

Just a few more meters
but every centimeter hurts
her tiny appartement suddenly grows
her phone is a thousand miles away

Just a few more centimeters
stretching as far as she can
her phone just out of reach
but she has to reach it soon

Just a few more minutes
when she reaches the table
and finally grabs her phone
the ambulance will finally
be here very soon

I said goodbye
today
to my wheelchair

My leg
is touching the ground
it has to carry me
it has to carry me
around

I said goodbye to my wheelchair today
from now on, nobody can push me
from now on,
I'll walk

We had nothing
only sun and heat
fights and love
a basement, in the hottest country
the only 2 people anyone knew that were still eating
it was Ramadan

We were strangers
poor and lonely
not familiar with their language
just relying on each other

We were eating
but the country loved us anyway
countless strangers
smiling at our non-arabic skin colours
every single person we met did everything to welcome us

It was my birthday, but also Eid al-Fitr
the strangers started eating
big smiles, and bigger hearts
a country I may never see again
gave me
and you
the best july I ever saw

Kiss the floorboards
hug the curtains
be happy about the neighbour sounds

Lay on the couch
or take a shower
make your own **** tea

Kiss the windows
hug your table
read all the books you own at once

Turn on candles
make your own rules

because

you're finally

home

Hoog daarboven
het vliegtuig
neemt mij niet mee

Ik blijf achter
staar in de verte
reis een jaar terug in mijn hoofd

Toen vlak voor me
een vliegtuig
want nieuw leven
begon vandaag

Time has always felt random
the moon, often a surprise
but it happens
at some point
and I welcome the beast-me with open arms

A raging lunatic
rambling trough the forests at night
looking for something to
hurt
stick my nails in
I need do draw blood
at the very least

I am a werewolf
a nice girl
living for the moment moon returns
never knowing
when I'll go crazy

Always hoping
I won't survive

They all want sunshine
long summers on the beach
and think we're crazy
because we're longing for rain

But you and I
would take a walk in the rain
untill our skins are soaking
and we're one in with the storm

You and I
don't care about the cold
want the wind to touch us
blow our souls away

You and I
would walk through any storm
and when we hear the sound of thunder
we will feel so so warm

it wasn't in the middle ages
but in the era of technology
the knight wasn't a knight
but his heart was warm and loyal and honest
and he found a princess he needed to save

the princess lived in a castle
he couldn't get in without a visa
nor pay the money to fly to her tower
but it was the era of technology
princess and knight could meet online

'some day',  the knight thought
'some day, she'll be my princess
but at least today
she'll be the queen of my dreams'

The best rain
Is the rain touching somebody
who's been stuck in bed for over a month
pouring through the open window

pouring right into her heart

I can't leave you
not even for a short while
you're always with me
very present in body and mind

I can't sleep because of you
all night long
you keep telling me
how much much pain you're in

I have to take you with me
but you're not giving any support
it's hard to take us
anywhere

I'll always stay with you
you've been such a big part of me
And for as long as you're in pain
we'll both work on

getting better

The only reason
your face stays dry
is: pillows can not cry.

I always know
I'll have to pay
so it's stupid
to come close
to you

but your melodies
always linger
my head keeps your music inside
And I just have to
go back to you
go back for more

I know your poison
you'll turn my head upside down
You'll make me weak, so weak
I won't know how to leave my bed
But despite all the pain you're causing
I'll be always
coming back for more

It's summer
whenever I close my eyes
and you and I
are together
somewhere
drinking tea
looking at
each other

Happy
Because we're together
it's hard to believe we can actually...
touch
smell
and even kiss each other
after all this time

We're quiet
smiling and crying
because we're trying to comprehend
this miracle
of you and me
meeting
face to face