So,
I've got a few little words
I've saved just for you
You better listen close
**I'm not a toy
I'm not some play thing
I'm not someone you can mess around
I'm a person
I do have feelings
And I'm sick of all your crap
So forget me
Cause it's over
And I'm never coming back

For a minute
I actually thought I was okay
And then
I heard that song
The one we danced to
In the moonlight
Under the stars
At midnight

With tired eyes
I reach for you
Only to be met
Not by the warmth of your face
But by harsh glass
And pixels that blur when you move

For a moment
I forgot
For a moment
I forgot
For a moment
I forgot

That you are miles away
In a different city
Living a different life
In a place I cannot reach
At least not physically
With so much space between us

I left
and now you've cut me out
You're moving on
making more friends

It seems as though you've forgotten me

I once was you're best friend
the girl in all those photos
Smiling, laughing, pouting

But I've been replaced
by some other girl
Who's prettier and smarter
better than me in every single way

I can't figure it out
what did I do wrong?
What was the mistake I made?

Maybe you just changed
maybe I did too
Our lives aren't connected anymore
we'll just go our separate ways

I think you did forget me

But just so you know
I forgive you for all you've done
For all the pain and tears

You don't know it yet
But I forgive you

You are forgiven

Sure
Go ahead
Trample all over me
Do whatever the hell you want
Its fine
Really
Its not like I matter
Or have feelings anyway

few predicted a golden autumn pause
and
the return of a great irony
showed a in a life overlooked

if life longs for a charming
but
parasitic lifestyle,
unsustainable and damaging,
the planet will not mitigate the small things

growth will be put into deep freeze
to fight another day
and
a glimpse of existence will shake overnight

He's been staring at the page
For hours now
Unsure of what to write
Or how to write it
The words are a mess
Jumbled inside his head
None of them making sense
The tears keep falling
The pain keeps building
But he don't know how to express
Everything he's feeling

She's been staring into the dark
For hours now
Unsure of how to breathe
Her head is a mess
A jumble of feelings and thoughts
All the pain, the hurt
All the anger and regret
She's wary of treading this path
But still ready to dive in headfirst
Straight to the bottom
To forget what she's feeling

The pills are cold in his hands
The wind is coarse in her ears
He swallows, she jumps
And suddenly the pain is gone
The darkness swallows them up
Their bodies go still
No more breath, no more life
To pass through their lips
They are gone
They are *gone, gone, gone...

Being happy is a rare thing these days
And when I am it's like the sun has stop hiding
My smile is a relief from all the pain
And the world seems to be shining
I am grateful to those few people
Who can brighten up my miserable days
Lift up my spirit and state of mind
And turn the grey skies to blue
You have no idea how much you mean
In every single way possible
I just want to thank you and say that
*I am so, so grateful

I can't help but hate myself
For who I am
I wish I was prettier or smarter
But I'm not
I'm nothing that you want me to be
I'm useless and pathetic
And all I see in the mirror
Is a dead reflection
I can't help it
So don't try to fix me
I'm broken beyond repair
And nothing you do can change
The hatred I feel for myself

Your hello whispers across my skin
as you greet me in the cold
Your goodbye bites my bitter cheeks
as you disappear out of my life

He no longer h a n g s
On her every word
And for that she is thankful
He no longer p i n e s
For her presence
And for that she marvels
He no longer w a i t s
With bated breath
And for that she is pleased
He no longer l o v e s
Her wounded soul
And for that she is grateful

Her words sound detached
     distant, far away
     as though he is listening
     without the telephone
Her voice seems lost
     lonely, afraid
     as though she is isolated
     from the world
Her soul seems faded
     worn, ripped
     as though she's fought hard
     but never won
Her eyes looks dim
     weary, tired
     as though what she's seen
     broke her apart

Turns out
I'm not as fine
As I let you believe
I hide behind
The walls of stone
I've built high
I run from everything
My emotions
My fears
My pain
I can't seem
To handle the things
I pretend to
Turns out
I'm falling
Into despair
And I'm hiding
The truth
Behind lies..

I know you're out there
somewhere
Waiting for me
Just like I'm waiting for you
Maybe your around the corner
Or in full view
Just don't lose hope
Like I have begun to
Hold on for me
Hold on for us
please please please
I need you to believe
For both of us
Because I don't know
How much longer I can last

Sweetheart hold your breath
Nobody can hear you
Close your eyes and pray
For another chance
Darling hold it all in
Nobody is listening
Stand by and hope for a new beginning
Watch as life flashes by

*hold your breath

i've got no one to call home

How do I stop the voices swirling around in my head?

How is it that when ever I'm mad
You can make me smile
How is it when I'm feeling down
You can make me giggle
How is it when I'm so upset, so depressed
You can make a light come shining through

How is it when my world has turned
You can flip it right around
How is it when I'm always frowning
You can pick me up off the ground
How come its only you
No one else gets through the way you do

*how

How do I tell you all those difficult things?
How am I to let you know?
The words don't come
And the phrases are hard
They get stuck in my throat
How do I say we can't be together?
How do I get the words out?
My thoughts are lost
And hard to find
They evade my every grasp
How do I not break your heart?
How am I to know?
I always seem
To let you down
And cause you so much pain

How do you say goodbye
To all the things you love
How do you leave
All of it behind
Do you whisper
The words
As quiet as you can
As soft as a breeze
How do you say goodbye
To everything you have
How do you turn away
And never look back
Do you walk
As slow as possible
Or do you run
So quick you're invisible
*how do you say goodbye

I can barely look at you
Without thinking back to that night
Your fingers laced through mine
A dress far too tight
Make-up on your suit
Your smell lingering near
The warmth you provided
Your slicked back hair

But before I can forget
It all comes crashing down
You were only holding me
To stop me from falling to the ground
The make-up on your back
Was from an unforeseen collision
And yes I did notice
That when we touched, you stiffened

Although every time I see you
My heart breaks again
I can't help myself from wanting
The things that cause me pain
You laughed and said "not ever"
I giggled along as well
But now I can't breathe
And this life, it hurts like hell

It's not been a good afternoon
I feel like I'm going to burst
I just need to say something to anyone
To get rid of some pressure

I am a balloon
That's been blown to the max
And if anything else happens
I will explode

Don't come to close with a pin
Or anything sharp at all
Words, lies, truth
It doesn't matter
Just leave me alone to deflate by myself

I'm a balloon floating away
Living in the clouds
Leave me there to come down in my own
Don't force me or try to coax me down
Just leave me be

I am a balloon

I'm tired of watching and waiting for someone to catch the meaning behind my words. But they only see what they want to. No one sees the truth. They don't feel the pain behind every carefully crafted word I've printed on the page. No one sees the tears or the sadness I've hidden behind a smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes. They can't see past their self-consumed lives, to realize how much others are hurting. I'm hurting. I'm slowly drowning in my invisible tears. My insecurities are choking me and forcing me to fall. I can't stand this anymore.

I can't stop myself from loving you
I can't stop myself from feeling this way
I can't stop myself from needing you
Oh baby
I can't stop myself in anyway

I caught myself today
Picking daisies
And making bouquets
Playing silly little games
Like ' He loves me
He loves me not'
I strolled through meadows
And lay in the long grass
Dreamed and hoped

That one day it could be me
In the arms of one I love
Living a life of dreams
and happily ever afters
I hope one day it could be me

I caught myself today
Staring at the sky
For imaginary stars
That seem to float by
Wishing on the ones
The shoot past
Sparks in the night
Prayers gone so fast

*i caught myself today

I don't know how much longer
I can live in this world
A world where I can't breathe
I don't know how much longer
I can pretend I am alive
When all I am is a ghost
I don't know how much longer
I can carry on in this life
When I have faded from so much
I don't know how much longer
I can live in this world
A world where I do not seem to exist

I don't mean to not reply
It's just that when I see your name
I freeze and stop
My heart pounding fast
I wonder if you truly want to talk
Or if your just another person to use me
Do you like me
Or just tolerate my presence
Like everyone else
I don't mean to leave you hanging
It's just that I read too deep
That hey to you means hi
But to me so much more
I can't tell if it's a hey i just want to talk
or hey can you do this, this and this for me?
I don't mean to hurt you
I'm just scared of being hurt
I really don't mean to not reply

I exist because of you
Not for you
I was born into this world because of you
Not for you
I am alive because of you
Not for you

My life is for no one but myself
You have no claim over me or my choices
You do not get to decide what I do, who I love, who I am
There is no piece of me that is obligated to do anything for you

I will not sit with knees shut and ankles crossed
I will not speak with a quiet voice
I will not bow to those who decide they have more power
I will not do anything just because you want me to

I will sit how I please
I will go where I want
I will take up space
I will scream and cry and make noise
You cannot stop me
You cannot force me down
You cannot make me play by your rules

Because I do not exist for you
I exist for me

I know I said just friends
and that is what you want too
but I can't help my feelings
even though they don't 'exist'

i.just.can't.help.it.

I want to lock up my heart
and throw away the key
to never feel again
at least not right now

I long to be loved
The way only
A true gentleman can
To be held
Like I am precious
And prized
I long for the touch
Of a caressing hand
The brush of gentle lips
To be told
Again and again
That I am beautiful
I long for the words
Of passion and devotion
Meant only for me
To be breathed in
As though I am
The air needed to live
I long to be dreamed of
Day and night
Every waking moment
To be the last thing
Seen at night
And the first in the morning
I long to be seen
With caring, warm eyes
Which see my bare soul
To be whispered to
In the crowds
So only I can hear
**I long
Oh, I truly long
I long to be loved

I look out at the moon
And wonder if you're looking at it too
Do you see the stars
The way I do?
Do you just see ***** of fire
Burning billions of miles away?
Or do you see wishes and dreams
Hopes for each new day?
I look out at the moon
And wonder if you're looking at it too......

I'm here
Waiting
Hoping
Wishing
I'm here
Dreaming
Longing
Wanting
I'm here
Believing
Accepting
Belonging
I'm here
Caring
Watching
Loving
I'm here
I'm here
*I'm here

I'm just so tired of living
Of breathing and moving and trying
I'm just so tired of always pretending
That I am alright

I'm so tired of believing
That everything will get better
I'm so tired of being disappointed
When everything falls apart

I'm just so tired of everything
People, places, words
And I'm just so tired of being me
When I feel like I'm all wrong

*I'm just so tired

i'm so, so, so sorry
it's not your fault
it never was
please believe me
i'm so, so, so sorry