See, I'm not allowed to go back to the welcome mat called home
Merely because of a boy with green lungs

Bedtime story mouths say you're heading down a path of destruction
But how am I supposed to sit back and let that happen?

Because a way of living they don't approve of,
I am force fed hypocritical helping hands
Moonlit hearts and guilty rules

That palpation in your heart called pain
Does not escape in the form of smoke, blood, or tears.

Listen to me
let my words sit in the crevices of your brain just this once

This is not good for me
Its eating me from the inside out
Leaving the memory of you behind

My heart is reproducing arms
And they are reaching out my chest
Stretching out for miles
Just trying to find you

I've allowed mud drenched tennis shoes to step on my fingers
And FDA approved thoughts paint over mine
Going along with the idea that this is better
but once again, I'm wrong

On a scale from 1-10 I don’t believe this is happening  
You can't put your hands in my pockets and control my direction
You can't take love away until its mixed feelings
What kind of love is that?

I said you can't change me into your perfect daughter
You can't make my feet follow your footsteps
You can't live in fear that ill find more peace in talking to razors than to you
Apparently your doing something wrong

I rather fry my brain cells
Than you pick at them trying to change their makeup
I rather burn holes in my lungs
Than have your negative comments each at my heart

Shouldn't you know from past experiences that kids will be kids?
Stop wasting your anxiety and my depression on this
Give me back my happiness rather than trying to conjure up me a new one

How am I too young to know what love is
when my heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest
and been misplaced
the moment it has been taken away from its home?

Stop telling me
everything I do wrong
because I assure you... I am highly aware
just by the look of your disappointed eyes and steady moving mouth

Stop telling me
my thoughts are "ridiculous" and "stupid"
quit making excuses of how "ungrateful" I am
respect does not come on a scale of seniority

Stop telling me
you understand
Because if you did,
wouldn't I be "happy"
kind of like you've been reciting how want me to be

Hello? Can you here me?
you hate to see me choke on my tears
you hate to see me fall asleep writing black negativity

But then you sit back and take all the happiness from my fingertips
and leave me to dig holes around your helping hands
just to be slapped in the face again

Empty silent screaming
surrounded by abdomen aching laughter
you're missing something
a big piece of something

Because your empty heart is heavy
from the word "missing" smashing down on it
and from a weight of all the words not yet written

Silent screaming
like the weight is trying to make its way out of your chest
but it doesn't because it feels more comfortable
crawling in and out of your rib cage

Screaming
but nobody can hear you
because their ears aren't open for you
they think you're merely tired- and they're partially right
but its not because of sleep deprivation

I've been having vivid day dreams of your lips
And my heart feels like its drowning in my fluid filled lungs
Why is it hard to breathe at the thought of u?

I have been told so many times that I am wrong
Wrong for having a C in English class
Wrong for finding happiness in razors and red wrists
and Wrong for loving you

if you look in each one of your curls
You can see every time my heart ached for your
hands
are contentment when they clutch mine

But now
I can only find contentment in the hazelnut coffee you used to drink
In the tie die shirt you left behind
And in the kind of cigarettes you smoke

Repetitive complaining spoilage
Asking for help but pushing away anyone who tries
The way people help isn't the way I want it

I want you
I don’t get to see you when I want to
Because sometimes I need to hold your hand
And I'm punished for needing help

I don’t know if my problem is this depression doc prescribed me with
Or the idea that running away from problems is the path most travelled by
They said that when you held my hand, you brought me down the wrong path
And they said your hands were filthy

But you promised me that you would wash them
Clean them of the sleepless nights
And the assumptions of your life
Prove them wrong

But don’t change who you are
Don’t rinse your hands in bleach like they want you to
Rinse them in the forgiveness those people need while reciting your ABC's
And don’t forget to wash in between our mistakes

How do they expect me to hold foreign hands?
Without a razor in my own
How do they expect me to find sanity?
When they’ve taken everything

Transporting me into the hands of others
Am I too much to handle?
But they didn't even stamp "handle with care" on my crate
Carrying surprises of disappointment

It’s been shipwrecked stormy seas
Seeing familiar faces
Explaining myself over and over again
Monotone and white lies

Of all these 16 years they didn’t even know me
Now pursuing every secret
And every locked door

I don’t hold the key to my own body anymore
It’s in the freckled hands of lullabies
Strings attached
I'm their puppet

Dreading to open sad eyes
to step tired feet out of bed
forced to be who she isn't
and to live in a world of crISIS

a line of love miles away
cut off by cradled arms of family members
like a grand opening to this new life

hollow body
covered in crimson cracks
help the bleeding
let her fall asleep with dreams of blood stained metal

or wake up next to the curly haired boy
that still carries her heart in his back pocket
everyday another piece of her is put in a jar

like saving up for a concert
except my jar is filled with pieces of my skin for every time I didn't get to tell you "I miss you"

How do I continue to stand with such a hollow body?
mostly filled with black tar and green smoke

your last kisses still sting my lips
even from three months ago

I don't know if I want the fairytale stings to stay or to leave
I don't know if I want to stay or to leave

All I know is that  have indentions of where your arms used to be
burn holes where your eyes used to stare
and frozen hands from not being held

I thought my heart was left behind with you
but maybe you only took half

Because I still feel the sorrow flow through the holes in my heart
being pricked with pins and needles like a voodoo doll
your a black magic master

Fill my heart again with daisies
hold my hands and thaw them out

Patch up the holes in my skin with pieces of your band t-shirts
give a new meaning to "forever"

Fear shuddered heart
beating 266 times a minute
finding comfort on the bathroom floor
in puddles of rose tinted water

Rushing the "best" times of my life
just to find peace
to escape the names resulting from disappointment and anger
please

don't do this just because of a level of seniority
understand
in the literally meaning
walk in these broken in converse

and pass a day in this plaid catholic school skirt
or walk barefoot on gray gravel rocks
under guest room bed sheets
suffocating

spend your time in silver lining rooms
under sterilized lights
sleep in little green pill bottles
then be blamed for swallowing them wrong