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 Oct 2014
Edna Sweetlove
The boy stood on the burning deck,
His ******* to the mast,
A very wise precaution
When Oscar Wilde went past.

But Oscar was a wily chap
And threw the lad a fritter;
And when he stooped to pick it up
Oscar ****** him up the *******.
 Oct 2014
Edna Sweetlove
The sun, a blazing circle of celestial fire
Hangs low upon the horizon,
Its fiery glory reflecting orangely
On the wind-whipped, blue-green sea.
  
The late afternoon sees my love and I,
Arms and legs entwined, ******* naked on the beach,
Rapt in appreciation of that blest moment
When sun and sea join in mystic communion.
  
And yet, all is not golden:
When one mentions the word "legs"
Once is certainly grammatically correct, yet
One does not convey the true situation to the reader.
  
You see, my lover is the sad possessor
Of a fifty percent deficit in the podial department,
Whilst I have a full double complement.
And thus to so-called act of generation
(Most times mis-named, for which I thank the gods)
Is a feat* requiring great dexterous equilibrium.
  
However, my love's club foot (speaking candidly,
An admitted visual defect most times)
Now comes to the rescue of Eros' urgent needs,
With the aid of a little mutual ingenuity.
  
Balancing carefully on my dear one's abbreviated podex,
Supported carefully by the discarded surgical boot,
A passable **** can usually be achieved.
Only the halitosis appears irremediable.
 Oct 2014
Edna Sweetlove
A life on the ocean wave, **!
In the olden days of sail
When pirate ships were proud and brave
And their crews were very male.

Captain **** stood upon his bridge
Looking smart and flash;
But below the decks, the orders were
*** and *** and the lash.

First Mate **** went to the **** deck,
His willie at the ready;
Initiation time had come
For trainee pirate Freddy.

"Thtwap him o'er that cannon, ladth!"
Roared the hirsute lisper,
"Gag hith mouth thecurely, ladth,
Thilenth hith evewy whithper."

The pirates did as he had bid -
Refuse and they'd be punished -
And they knew their turn would come
Once First Mate **** had finished.

The lisping brute went up the poor young lad
And soon was pumping away;
Poor little Fred looked rather pained -
As he wasn't really gay.

Then came the turn of the other men
And they joined in with a will;
Little Freddy could not say "no"
Until they'd had their fill.

What a life our pirates had,
Always singing shanties;
When men were men and big and butch
And the skipper wore silk *******.

The pirates' frigates ruled the waves -
Good sailors feared them coming;
If captured, they'd be condemned
To a life of seaborne bumming.
I weally think stanza four is pwobably the finest one here.
It'th vewwy nithe, weally.
 Oct 2014
Edna Sweetlove
Let's raise our glasses and propose a toast
To the the most drunken folks on earth;
Although 'tis immodest so to boast
Of the dear green land of our birth.

So I'll cry out Slainte at my top o' voice
And I'll shout it all around the town;
I'll raise my glass to the good old boys:
Oh Jeezus, I've just feckin' fallen down.
 Oct 2014
Edna Sweetlove
The fiery rumblings in my bloated belly
  mean I simply must blow off a smelly;
And, having just consumed a Vindaloo,
  I'm fearful of a major follow-through;
But it's one of those really lucky nights -
  I'm wearing my uncle's open-crotch tights.
 Oct 2014
Edna Sweetlove
Being overweight
Is no awful tragedy
So get used to it.

Obesity is
Not in the beholder's eye:
It's in your blubber.
 Oct 2014
Edna Sweetlove
A young man called Piotr Wislocki
Grew a HUGE boil on his botsky;
He took his sore crack
To a fat Polish quack
Who lanced it for three thousand zloty.
 Oct 2014
Edna Sweetlove
One day Professor George Knox
Sunbathed on some Greek rocks;
He saw something rude:
A girl swimming ****.
So he photographed Pandora's box.
There is a saucy double entendre here.
 Oct 2014
Edna Sweetlove
Have you heard about old Erik Satie?
He was quite slim and not un fatti;
Son père was a Frog, his Ma a wee ****
(which must have given quite a shock
to his musical chums at the Conservatoire
where he wrote "Trois morceaux en forme de poire").

While sitting 'au piano' one fine day
At his Honfleur home so bright and gay,
Our Erik felt himself come over queer,
(le résultat triste de beaucoup de bière).
He hadn't felt so odd since he didn't know when
(that's when he wrote his "Gnossiennes").

Now I don't want you to think Erik was bent
That certainly wasn't what I meant;
But there's no doubt he was a little odd
(indeed many called him an asexual sod);
For, although French, he loved not the ladies
(and he also wrote three nice "Gymnopédies").

Many piano pieces which Satie penned
Are rather silly and round the bend;
One was called "Prélude for a Dog"
(which he wrote whilst sur le bogue);
Perhaps his best known work is called "Parade"
Which some people think is quite avant-garde.

He was a bit ***** and collected umbrellas
Which set him apart from saner fellers;
He had lots of velvet suits to his name
(and for some reason, they all looked the same).
But he over-did it on the *****, was often ******,
Thus he died prematurely, and is sorely missed.
 Oct 2014
Edna Sweetlove
Spring is in the air and so is married love;
For marriage is a gift from up above.
Holy wedlock offers one unending joy
Which all the sands of time will ne'er alloy:
Once you're married both of you are free
To get stuck into some adultery.
From now on each new fornication
Will have an extra-marital relation.
So go and get your neighbours' tongues a-wagging:
With some adulterous randy ******* *******.
*Ah! que j'aime une nuitée chaude de fornication
(tellement, tellement mieux que la *******).
 Oct 2014
Edna Sweetlove
Badly played hymn tunes
from hungover unemployed miners
echoing down the slum streets
barely audible
over the sounds of Coronation Street
on 't telly
and the neighbours' uninhibited belching
post coitally.
 Oct 2014
Edna Sweetlove
O let us sing a song of gorgeous British food
Roast beef, fish 'n' chips and lovely Brummy balti;
Some of it is bad and some of it is good
(and yummy TV dinners...Mmmmm... they're really salty).
But the finest treats are Findus beef lasagne
(with its extra secret subtle basinful of horse),
And ne'er forget a burger a la espa-na-ya,
(made from minced-up donkeys' genitals of course).

Britain's Chinese restaurants are also velly nice-y
They serve food so tasty, and so low in fat,
(and no one cares if Sichuan Chicken, hot 'n' spicy,
includes some choice cuts from your neighbour's missing cat).
School and hospital canteens, the gourmet paradise,
Serving pigswill on the cheap - obese kids know it's very nice.

— The End —