Oh no, you weren't my
lullaby singer, my troubadour, but
in my darkest nights I
knew I could  count on you
                                                             ­                                           always.


Always there with your eager
words (eager hands), with your
incessant desire for more,
(always more) and that's when I
                                                               ­                                          knew


you were the one I needed.
The way you were crushing
on other meaningless girls was
                                                                ­                                       something


I could easily overlook.
You were here and it
was all that mattered to me.
And the sour feeling in my heart
                                                           ­                                              was


not important (right?) But then,
why are you the world to me, when
I am only one tiny star in the
constellation of your life? In my bed,
at night, (every night), I wish I am
                                                              ­                                          *wrong.

my idol, my heroine
my love, and addiction
you are so my guilty pleasure.
young you are not
but in the wisdom
of your experience
there is beauty.
possessed not of
those vacant eyes
seen too often
in today's youth.
i have grown fond
of just being with you.
words unnecessary
how is it we often know
what is on the other's mind.
I find myself
looking for you
whenever i fancy
a lark, a romp
a trip taken lightly.
teasing you
as i often do
i am amused
by your petulant smile.
the glint in our eye
your outlook
so light and frivolous.
you attack life
with a certain bent
an attitude
that I try to learn from.
bringing me out of my funk
with a word
a smile
just the sound
of your breath.
i look to you
for guidance
romance
discourse and
*******.
you are
my idol, my heroine
my love, and addiction

An addict for
Several years now
I find myself
Huffing ink
And snorting paper
Because in this
Economy
I can't afford
Those expensive highs
Anymore

So I turned to the pen
To the blue and black
Smudges on my hands
But the pen is
Just as dead as my ends

Just as dead as me

Technology has taken over
And I have friends across
The Atlantic
And I have emotions bleeding
Into pixels

This instability
Is slowly killing me
What will my next
Addiction be?

I am only human
The fact that I am fallible
Is quite inevitable

But maybe these are
Subtle excuses
For my relentless actions
And maybe there has
Been a decline
In my wits
And my brain has
Rusted over

Every addiction
Lives inside
Waiting to surface
As though they are all
Old poker buddies
Sitting around the
Heart shaped table
In my rib cage
Placing bets on
My mortality

There must
Be some way
To crawl into my
Computer screen
And flow through
Infinity

Because this reality
Can't be real

This girl with the bags
Under her eyes
With the bruises
On her arms
With the regret
In her smile

Can't possibly
Be me...

Natural decline, bringing about an age of being fallible,
The subtle shift from youth to middle age to being an elder,
Now using motion in economy, to prevent instability.
The vagaries of age, reducing confidence to hesitance,
as a step forward is an accomplishment once beneath notice.
Many rarely notice the shift in abilities of those close to them,
until sudden traumas occur, bringing them harshly to light.
But those living them daily, have learned to compensate as they can.
Either abhorring the day before them or embracing it as a challenge.
I pray as I move close to this eventuallity, that I see the challenge,
the possibilities for growth and learning in the subtleties of aging.

My phalanges shake under the
Blood red sunset
My heart beats rapidly
In my throat
My nerves consume
Every inch of my flesh

I'm sitting on that bench
Our bench
Outside that little store
Our store
And I'm thinking of you
Dreaming of you
And it's Autumn
And that song you played
Our song
It's stuck in my head
Because I don't think
It ever left

If only there was a way
To avoid this whole situation
Some way to circumvent
Around life

But there's not

And suddenly
I'm distracted by an
Angel
Or the closest thing to it
That I've ever seen
On Earth

Straight purple hair
Pierced septum
Thick black eyeliner
Cuts down her arms
Oceans in her eyes

It's cold
And I'm alone
And I'm waiting for you
And she's there
And my mind is spinning
And my heart drops
And my posterior goes numb

And I swear to God
If you don't hurry up
I'm going to follow her home

Because my mind is
Skidding off the fringes
Of sanity
And my emotions are
Twisting like pretzels
In a bakery

Confused and broken
The girl
That caught my mind
And stole my time
Walks by in slow
Motion

And the reason
That I'm so easily
Obsessed
With her
Is because she did
Something
No one ever
Could

For a few moments
She actually helped me

Forget about you

Sitting quietly at the table, held in place by rusted shackles,
Embracing my bone-like phalanges in death's grip.
At the fringes of my vision, I note a horrid little creature,
Attempting to circumvent the Master's desire to flay me to pieces.
Begging for my life, as he fears dark aloneness in this drear abode.
The septum wall of my heart barely containing my blood,
As it pounds through its chambers, racing to my extremities, only to return once more,
more slowly, to be reinvigorated with vital oxygen again.
Eyes glazing as the Master approaches, demanding why I should be spared,
When I have disobeyed him, sparing that family from death's harsh embrace.
Shaking in this stone cold chair, my posterior aching from hours of discomfort,
I can only beg mercy of a merciless creature, who's only need of me, is absolute obeyance.
My only ability to coax unsuspecting families to relinquish their souls for this foul creatures pleasure.
My heart recognizing how low I have become to continue with this wretched life.
And, finally with the only spark of humanity remaining to me, I scream my defiance,
And as I had hoped, received a final blow, releasing me from this plane.

I'm a *****
But there's a reason why I am this way
All those times he left me
Abandoned, feeling lost and betrayed

I'm a *****
Because I let him go get high
While I sat in the cold
Alone, with a baby kicking inside

I'm a *****
For loving him the way I did
I'm a *****
For never telling him that it was his kid

We met in the laundry room
No, no
Not a love interest
Or an awkward stranger
No, not this time

A little girl
Alone
Maybe seven years of age
With big bright blue eyes
That staked my heart
Long thin blond hair
And a halo floating
Just above her head

Are you lost?
I asked
Curious
Concerned

She gazed to the West
And thought for a bit
Taking her time
And she split my soul
With the words
**Isn't everyone?

Emerging from this makeshift shelter,
I look about at the wicked cold day,
Wondering how long I will survive in this bleak world.

I have tussled with my demons,
Made peace with myself,
And accepted my lot in life.

My ragged clothing, barely covering me,
Warmth only a dream,
Decent food a luxury,
Knowing my family as I am now,
An impossibility.

The shrill jeering of children as I pass by,
The looks from strangers,
Judging me in my degradation.
None realizing that I was once They.

I could justify feeling superior,
When I had a home, a family, a job.
A sense of security and a mind and body unbroken.

And now, watching from the other side,
I wonder why I had so little compassion,
So litte empathy, so little mercy.
Just as They do now.

Igniting my anger
Scarring my skin
Pulling my hair
Making a noose
With the
Strands

You drive me up a
Brick wall
Straight into
Insanity

Boiling blood
Red in the face
Screaming
Spitting
Rage

How can you
Justify our
"Friendship"

How can you
Say it's all been
"Forgotten"

My temperature
Rises
I glare at your
Ragged clothing
You live out of your
Piece-of-**** Jetta
Homeless and
Hopeless

Oh, how I despise you
Ex-lover
Ex-friend
Ex-human being

I shrill out in disgust
Just admit it
I mean nothing
To you
These days

That's not true
You retort
Getting off your
Makeshift stool
From fourth grade
Outside your old
Home

Your finger slams into me
Poking my soul
Just get the ****
Away from me
Already

Speechless
Full of emotion
Acting without
Thinking

I slapped your
Face
And we tussled
'Til dawn
'Til the problems
Were solved


But

I still despise you
Ex-lover
Of mine

And you still
**** me with
Every line