The sunlight hides behind
Stubborn clouds
A few squirming
Beams
Make it through

My chest sinks
As my breath escapes
No words could truly
Describe
How amazing it feels to be
In my
Homeland
Again
New Jersey

Night falls
My feet criss-crossed in the
Street
**** squished onto the
Curb
Cigarette in hand
Filthy habit
Wonderful release

And you're next to me
Again

Like how it was
When we were
Kids

My teeth are
Chattering
Your hands are
Shaking

Here we go
Again

This story plays out
In my mind
For the hundredth
Time

And to tell you the
Truth
Even I'm sick of the poems
About you

Back in town
Back in my head
Back into circles
Again

I swear it never ends

But even in the
Dead of night
You stick a lily in my
Hair

And it makes everything
Bearable
For just a moment

Until you find
A new way to
Destroy me

Again

Sitting there yesterday at the football game,
Watching my son tackling the quarterback,
Feeling the warm sun and watching him earn respect,
From his teammates, made my heart proud.

Looking around, I saw the cheerleaders, 11 yrs old, too.
Yelling and flipping and shouting.
Then from nowhere, "My glitter is sweating off!"
Makes me laugh outloud.  

Little kids running everywhere,
Parents watching their kids, visiting,
It was a great scene!

Until I looked down in this sneezing little boys face,
And watched him scoop up some boogers
and have a snack.

Looking back I suppose it is only to be expected
as part of the scenery, and I can laugh now.
Just as watching the cheerleaders commenting,
And the poor kid who pulled a groin muscle,
Hobble off the field, is part of the scene.

All in all, a beautiful day, fun, family, and reality all at once.

Some people think that as an
Adult
I can be a tad rough
Rock solid skin
But as a
Child
I was exponentially
Worse

Kicked
Screamed
Cried
Teased
Scratched

A walking terror
My father deemed me
"Crab-Apple Lynn"


The neighbors would
Whisper
Of that horrid five-year-old
Girl
That would push and
Tackle
The boys down the street

And on the night
That I kicked my
Brother's friend in the
Groin
And he tumbled
Down the stairs
Word spread like
Wildfire
That Crab-Apple
Had struck again

Notorious bully
Walking with balled fists
Kicking over Lincoln Logs
Smashing Play-Doh sculptures
Sneezing purposefully
Spewing out green phlegm
And wiping the boogers
On fellow peers
Half-grinning
At their cries

Feared by all
But respect
Was the one thing
The miniature version of
Me
Could not earn

And despite my youth
Despite the over-sized chip on my shoulder
Tiny me
Found a way
To flip around
Turn a leaf
Turn a page
Turn a head

Completely change
Altogether

And suddenly
Crab-Apple disappeared
And Sarah grew in
View

It was as though
Somehow, someway
The little me knew that

Fear is worthless

Our hands frozen together
Black masks
Backpacks
Running from the flashing lights
Down the street

They'll never catch us
No
This is our time
Our night
This moment
This breath
Is us

Sneaking through bushes
Mechanical
Zombied
Black clothes
Hushed tones

Blood pumping
From the rush
A law breaking
High

Like drinking
A full *** of
Coffee
All at once

You swim through my
Veins
Like an adrenaline
Plague

Eggs
Toilet paper
Paint
Krazy glue
Peanut butter

Oh, the hell we'll
Bring

The moon is full to
Bursting
The air is stiff
Lifeless

You and I
Multitasking mischief
Together
Bonding over
Cracked shells
And pumpkin guts

Giggling through the
Stars
Almost caught
Almost lost
Almost...
In love?

No! Not that!
No emotions
No adult things
On this
Our one and only
Night of fun

The night meant for
The monster that lives

Under our skin

Together, you and I have been through,
More than I would ever like to admit to.
I haven't forgotten seventh grade, the gun,
Held to my head as some type of "fun,"
The look of horror in my youthful eyes,
As you swore it was just a sickening surprise.
I wish that was the only time you had,
Almost ended my life, without feeling bad.
But no, let's not forget the hood of your car,
As you sped down the road towards the bar,
And as I screamed, you slammed on the breaks,
I flew off, later having to patch up the scrapes.

And now people wonder if I'm blind, deaf, or dumb.
There are no answers to give, I'm simply numb.
How can we still be friends? They ask.
Well I have to tell you, it's no easy task,
But I know a side to you that no one's ever seen.
I know why you are so afraid of your dreams,
Your life of solitude and constant insomnia,
Those lonely weeks you spent in California.
I know it all baby, I've always paid attention,
But you're a monster now, or so they mention.
So I have no choice, I need know,
I ask you in a low tone, cold and slow,

Where are we going? I could never really tell,
You respond darkly. **If we're lucky? Straight to hell.

4:17 A.M
   He gazed in my direction
   That awkward, gawky,
   Painter

4:18 A.M
   I blurted out my
   Greeting
   Uhm, hello..
   It was late
   I was nervous
   He was angelic

   Hey there
   His smile sliced
   Into me
   Inadvertently

4:19 A.M
    I sank into
    His eyes
    Blue as the sea
    His teeth
    Were an astonishing white
    Like foggy ice
    

4:22 A.M
    He had gone
    Out the door
    Swiftly vanished

4:25 A.M
    Calmed down
    Slowed my heart

    He was there

    Outside
    Cancer stick in hand
    Shivering in Winter
      
    Nervous again
    Cold tonight
    Smooth

4:26 A.M
    Blinking
    Sluggish
    He responded

    Cold every night
    When you're alone
    In this swarming
    City

4:27 A.M
    He stepped on his
    Cigarette

    And walked out
    Of my life

And we did.
     I swear we did.
          I showered in your scent this morning while you
              read to me my own work telling me I was foolish to
                 write such dark poetry. That you would love only me
                                                                ­                                                                 ­        forever




And we did.
   We made love and had long dialogues
       like grown-ups. Talking about politics and
           global warming and my left big toe and your
              fantastic way of explaining what our romance
                                                         ­                                                                    means




God, we did. I could  
    ******* swear we did.
                   .but.
        My body is naked from the knees upwards
            and my imagination runs wild, even faster than
               your thrusting hips and your spanking hand and
                      ugly words. My soul is drunk tonight and I wish it
                                                                ­                                         sobered up        
                                                      ­                                                                 ­                                       *never

My mind was once entangled
In a twisted romance
Stuck in the complex webs of
L o v e

It was almost as though a
Lightening bolt had struck
My ever changing
S o u l

My eyes shifted upwards
When he walked through me
Using dialogue that could
K i l l

"I know that we've never met
But I have to tell you
Your fantastic eyes practically
B e a m"

Flattered and confused
My brain and heart lost connection
Unable to tell how hard I would
F a l l

I sank immediately into his skin
Becoming obsessed with his being
And I didn't even know his
N a m e

And suddenly it occurred to me
That falling in love with a stranger
Was nothing more than loving an
I d e a

So I let the only man
That ever captured my full attention
Turn around and walk
A w a y

Shades of gray will reveal pivotal chains
Mute those parted ways
Self has gone and took the pouring rain
Washed into a futile day

Spinning visions of decadence turn and wear
Those wheels in your mind
Bending and freely waving yet never tear
Their yearning urges yet to find

Transcendental lines are written in rhyme
Understood only by you
Read once before in your other time
Found somehow to be true

Place your silent voice under a hidden rock
Your frivolous wishes upon a star
What once was open has now been locked
Can you still reach that far?

A glow shining from the inside out
As beautiful as the purple magnolias of Asia
Yet as rare as a bright orange Alaskan sunset
So long separated by time and distance
I almost do not recognize the vision set before me
Reality with the ability to transform
Distrusting my eyes
Afraid they may conspire to betray me
To lead me to the path of blunder
Surrendering me to lies and ruin
Outward perception distorted by fear
Is it the meadow of flowers I paint in my dreams?
A winsome smile forces my lips to part
Thoughts of pleasant changes captured within me
I am unable to free them but doubt still lingers
Apprehensive of the mendacious nature of my heart
She unwittingly deceives
Loves without regard to reciprocation
She dominates
I am no match for her strength
I am subject to her will
Mental chains of steel I use to restrain
But the arrows of cupid still calls
The beauty of two beings intertwined beckons
A longing to live in the painted canvas
Perfect hues, perfect shades

Sometimes is seems as though it's easy for us to just walk by
Nonexistent are the pictures of them
Moving, living, breathing
Them, societies refuse
Thrown away and discarded by life
We are no longer our brother’s keeper
Human beings rendered worthless; useless
We move amongst them as a breeze blowing by
Uncaring for all in its path
Rushing to its destination
Our selfish needs to hold on to the little we have
And keep it from those who have none
Not even our "little"
Quickly it has become forgotten
At any moment any of us can be overtaken by hunger
Sweeping over us as garbage in the street
Leaving us bare, empty, hungry
We too can be eluded by shelter
With no one to care
No hands reaching out to help
We too can become a fracture in humanity
I see them peering at me from behind broken spectacles
Shoeless feet in the winter
Suffering in the bitter cold, nowhere to go
Sound the alarm
Our fellow humans are dying!
Not perishing to wounds in battle
Senseless crimes, illness & disease
They're dying of hunger
Exposure to extreme weather
Tantrums of Mother Nature
Sometimes we're afraid
Afraid of the side effects of being homeless
Some become as a Gemini having dual personalities
The person they once were
And the person being homeless
Fighting for every breath of air has made them
The side effect, the other twin
The homeless twin with nowhere to sleep
Our underrated simplicity of going to bed
Let us keep our brothers
In keeping our brothers, it is ourselves that we keep
Safe, fed, protected, secured, sheltered
The right of every human being