hands which have touched so much
but have held onto none;
it is you that i'm asking forgiveness for.

i can hear his sigh in the hum of my ceiling fan
and i can taste him in my coffee.
this isn't depressing, this is love.
i just need to drink more.

his is drug withdrawal,
but with a boy.
he’s just sitting
on my bed side table
staring at me and i
keep cutting him
into lines,
but i can’t inhale him.

can’t inhale him cause
my nose is filled with blood
and if i tried,
i’d just be swallowing that.

i fell in love with death
and she apologized.
i asked why
but as i began to close my eyes,
i understood.

i understood
when i burned down
all the churches
because i was upset
your shoulders
weren’t framed
in a single one.

i spent the day with him.
i listened to him
talk about drugs for hours,
then let him **** me
till it hurt
to look at him.
i'm not in love,
i just lust for him
in a tired, quiet way.

we were on his porch
when i snuck away
for just a few minutes to
call you and say
to your voice mail:
"the sky's on fire.
it's orange, red and pink.
it's really something you should see."

and it's back to him
and his nicotine lips.
he's an old soul
he's a free spirit
he's creative and
he's slept with everyone i know.

i wish you were here.

i fell in love with you sober.
you were drunk.
i saw you at your worst;
open and raw
and flayed to the bone,
and i loved you.
you were honest--
too honest
and rude at times,
but i appreciated that.
you knew how to
have a good time.

in a perfect world,
we'd spend mornings in bed,
tracing each others limbs
with just the very tips of
our fingers.
we'd eat tons of food together
and steal cigarettes
from the neighbor,
like we used to.
i'd laugh at you
and smile about your face
again.

there was beauty, love, fire, stillness, and i gave it all to you
you put both of your hands around my neck
had a grip on me like your favorite coffee mug
mouths never moved, just trembled

when you went home, your "i love you" started sounding like an apology
now every car crash sounds like the last time i heard you say my name

on nights when you remember
can you feel my anger
through all of these years
and all of the miles?

everything that you touch
is luckier than i am

wouldn't it be useless
to ask you to take me back
after miles and miles of
missed phone calls
and 3 break ups

simply because i want you

it wouldn't work
because you just want a girlfriend
someone to hold when
the nights get too cold
and eyelids feel too heavy
you want comfort

i want all the pain
that is being yours