My heart was not broken
it was my sternum
it was never set back into place
the scar tissue surrounded the unattended bones
and now it will never mend
The two pieces forever shattered
with their shards cutting into muscles

I have never felt love
I do not know what it feels likes
but I know how it feels to love someone
and be disappointed.
confused
I never had a love of a mother
I never had a love of a father

And all I know how to feel is
hurt and pain
I am all alone.

I never felt like kissing another person like this
It is like I am searching
Searching for your warmth
Searching for the enclave that I can rest my body
I want to caccoon myself in your love
And I pray to God that my love radiates off of me and your skin will absorb it
I am crossing my fingers in hope that I finally found a good one
I want this love to be successful

2 years later . . . it was all a joke
I never loved him.
He loved to sit in his depression while he thought I was just a poor foreign girl- child.
**** THAT

There are two kinds of mentally ill people
people who get ******* high off of this sick ride
like it is some kind of beautiful
It is like they get off on being ****** up
like ******* over someone has some grace to it
your ******* sick; cut and dry
that is all that is your reality.

and  then there people who are holding on for dear life
just waiting
waiting to die- waiting for the ride to end
it is like life is one big breath being held
When will it end?
It will never end

Mental illness feels like a penny that is stuck in your ear
an eraser eternally stuck up your nose
and itch that needs to be scratched?
do you want me to go on?

I do not like waking up on the bathroom floor every weekend
I do not like being suicidal every other year
I do not like being an nuisance to my friends and family
I do not like

I wish I did not want feel this way
I wish I was  more in control
I wish I did not see the shadows in the corner of my eyes
I wish I did not cry as often
I wish I was strong
I wish

I feel like a schizophrenic who only gets solace in music
but I am not,
I am just a person who is sad all the ******* time
no matter what is going on in my life

I think I will sleep now,
I am too tired to sleep.

I went to China
to find independence
Instead I was reborn

But I don't know,
I have weird sensations
that I am struggling with the problems
Problems I already solved

Or maybe I am just trying to censor myself
While all I want to do is-- me.