Finding something on the road
And serving it for dinner
Buying dresses far too small
And thinking you look thinner
Solar powered submarines
Broken ribs or ruptured spleens
Driving cars and drinking beers
Lightbulb licking, bad ideas

Knowing where you shouldn't be
And being there despite
Going out in thunderstorms
To fly your iron kite
Sharing needles with a shark
Going to Mansfield after dark
Setting fire to someone's ears
Telemarketing, bad ideas

Not deploying gaffer-tape
When doing D.I.Y.
Believing the implausible
While branding truth a lie
Replying to Nigerian Princes
**** bleach and ******* rinses
Tabloid papers touting fears
Voting UKIP, bad ideas

Impersonating ******
Before nineteen forty-five
Catching a train on Sunday
And assuming you'll arrive
Turning lights on with your nose
Eating food that moves or glows
Listening to Britney Spears
Marmite Pringles, bad ideas

**

Why Yes, I DO realize...
I'm **** naked in the middle of the road
And NO Officer, I DON'T know how I got here
NOR the whereabouts of my clothes

The last thing I DO remember
I was heading to work and all was fine
Wait a minute...now that I think about it
There was this bright light?!

At the moment I was inserting my key
Into my heap that I sometimes call a ride
My friendly neighbor was waving to me
On the row of hedges from the other side

There was a strange humming sound from above
Both of us looked up in awe
Then I remember bright lights shooting down
That's the very last thing that I saw

NO, I HAVEN'T been drinking!
NO, I'm NOT insane!
It's only 9:30 in the morning!
Of course I have no idea what day?!

WHAT?
You want me to get in the back seat?
And tell the Judge what it is that I saw?
To tell the truth Officer, I'm not sure I can sit down
For some odd reason my butts a tad bit raw...

There's no reasonable explanation
To how this all went down
When the world woke up one morning
All made up as clowns

Not a single person in the world
Did this phenomenon not claim
With big red buttons on their chests
Spelling out new funny names

There was Patches and Petunia
Floppy and Cupcake
Winky and Bumper the Clown
Were just a few that they displayed

Everyone went about their business
Only now they all carpooled
You could see clowns piling out of cars everywhere
From businesses to stores to schools

Crime it did die down
Because all the guns that people have
Instead of shooting bullets
Shoot out brightly colored Big Bang Flags

Of course the circus lost its glamour
With an audience made up of clowns
It's hard to tell who's there enjoying
And who's entertaining all the crowds

People stopped taking each other seriously
Over anything they had to say
Pointing at each other and laughing
As they go about their day

Who knew a thing like this would happen
When the world went to bed last night
That the very next morning
They'd wake up clowns for life

Oh, I almost forgot the Politicians
Were the only ones to stay the same
It's already a simple known fact
*When your a clown you don't need to change

My New Found Fashion Trend

You know I never really understood
Why they wear their pants that way
Pull them down to their knees
And walk around all day

But they say it is the fashion
It's a new trend I should try
That underwear is very cool
And catches people's eyes

So I decided I should try it
I pulled my pants down way to far
Then to show the world how hip I was
I walked through Central Park

All the Children were excited
I saw them point my way
They even told their teacher
But she made them look the other way

Well then two cops they came running
I assumed to see my style
I thought my trend was catching on
But those cops they didn't smile

Those cops would start a new trend
One I didn't like as much
They put my hands behind my back
And slapped on silver cuffs

Now this jail cell seems so small
With this big man next to me
He says he'll be my best friend
And he likes just what he sees

So glad to see this courtroom
Filled with people from the streets
They yell rethink your fashion trend
If you're wearing a G-String

Well the Judge he was not happy
But he would not give me time
He said wear a G-String where you want
No one can take that right

You see the Judge he wore a G-String
Underneath his long black robe
Since he did not find me guilty
A free man I could go

So I walked outside that courtroom
As a free man once again
And became so very famous
For my New Found Fashion Trend

Carl Joseph Roberts

I'm creating a Lego alter-ego
Called Scarlet.
Her skin is flawless
Her face a fixed fierce determined smile
Her drawn on ******* will never sag
And she never has a hair out of place.

She has a pet monkey by her side
Poached from my brothers 1989 pirate set
After she duelled with Pegleg Pete
And made him walk the plastic plank.

She has lego lovers in high places
Batman has given her the code to his 6860 set batcave
And the white Knight from castle set 70404
Has lent her his trusty steed
And he drank from her cup.

She is fearless and has an interchangeable
Wipe clean wardrobe
She can be whatever she wants
She is **** yet robust
When placed on a high shelf
She may gather dust
But she is always ready
For fun and adventure
And she will never age or rust.

I've been collecting ear wax
Since the belly button lint dust fire went bad
I lost all my dignity in that fiasco
So ear wax is all that I have left

Believe you me, it's not easy
Coming up with another scheme
After burning the whole town down to the ground
To get a single soul to look or even listen to me

But that fateful day that I dug deep
And pulled a replica of the Eiffel Tower out of my ear
I knew that fame and fortune lay before me
My time had arrived, my time was here

Who should I call first over my artful discovery
The Post?  The Enquirer?  The Times?
No I would call The Museum Of Modern Art in NYC
For the Art World would soon be mine

I knew I had to ratchet it up a notch
One piece of ear wax art might be a fluke
So I got out my brush...the Q-tip
And removed a portrait of John Wayne AKA The Duke

Since I live in a hippie commune in the woods
Little furry creatures would always stop by
To gaze upon the artful process
Squirrels can be the best of critics...no lie!

Which gave me the idea with all the left over ear wax
I sculptured a mini-amusement park with mini-arcades
And charged the woodland creatures nuts and berries
Which helped feed the hippies with whom I stay

It wasn't long after that I received the letter
Stating that art had a need for me
I've become known as The Andy Warhol of The Art World
With abstract ear wax being my specialty

Now I go to all the major "Who Does"
Where everybody knows my name
As I create masterpieces right before their eyes
Just don't hold it to close to the flame

Who would have ever thought that ear wax
Would be the perfect medium
To jet propel this Simpleton
To Art World stardom and beyond

I thought about this long and hard
In fact I thought about it all the time
What would happen to belly button lint
If you set the stuff on fire

I collected more than enough
Over the years to see this through
So I went and invited a few friends along
The word it spread and the crowd it grew

All the folk from the town came out
They'd been collecting belly button lint just like I had
Not quite as impressive a pile as mine
I guess I'm the biggest belly button lint dust collecting man
That's (B.B.B.L.D.C.M.) if you want to simplify who it is I am

You might think that's something to be proud of
And believe me when I say that I am
After I got through signing autographs
We proceeded with my grand plan

The crowd stepped up one by one
To toss their lint onto the pile
Coming close to blocking out the moon
As the pile grew ever higher

(Finally the time had come to light up
the famed belly button lint dust fire)

It was Frankie who spoke up first
And said he'd be honored to flick his bic
That was the very last time we saw any of him
Frankie and the lint lit up like a rocket ship

When the shock wore off I turned around
And saw the whole town up in flames
I've had a lot of great ideas before
I'm not quite sure this was one of them

I now live in a hippie commune in the woods
Since my towns no longer there
It's kind of lonely without Frankie around
Although there's still that lingering hint of burning hair

I no longer collect belly button lint these days
I sure learned my lesson with that
Haven't worked out the details of my next grand idea
But I can tell you it involves a big ball of my ear wax

In the middle of the night
With sleep still in my eyes
I stepped into my kitchen
And received quite a surprise

As I reached out my hand
And flicked the light on
There were balloons, confetti, party hats
With a banner that read -WELCOME HOME-

I'd caught thousands of roaches
In the middle of song
They all turned and looked at me strange
As if I'd done something wrong

I heard a scream from the crowd
A foreign language to me
The next thing I know
I'm knocked down to my knees

As I'm being dragged
Across the linoleum floor
I see a little red button
That opens up a trap door

I started getting real nervous
The deeper we went
If I was a cat with nine lives
I think eight I just spent

They took me before the king
King Ralph Roach was his name
I only knew that
Cause that's what his name tag displayed

I was assigned a public defender
But that did me no good
He spoke Roach, I spoke Human
Each other we never quite understood

"GUILTY!"  Came the verdict
I hollered what was my crime!
"Interrupting a roach in the middle of having a good time"
Came the judges reply

Squishing to be my death
The day after tomorrows last night
I said that doesn't make any sense?!
Hey, we're roaches....we're not known for our timely insight

So here I sit in my cell
Wishing I could take it all back
If I had just not gotten up
For that late midnight snack

Wait....is that a tap, tap, tap
(You didn't think this was the end did you?)
As my hours getting late
A roach we'll call Chester
For anonymity sake

Told me to stop all that blubbering
I've come to break you out of here
I stood and we hugged
Which would be strange if it wasn't so weird

We slipped past room after room
With all kinds of parties inside
One thing you can say about roaches
They know how to have a good time

When we reached the surface
All I saw was blessed heavenly light
I went straight in and packed my bags
And gave the house to my Ex-Wife
(Okay, now it's the end!)